Some Challenges in Marriage Can Be Overwhelming

I bless the Lord for the grace to see another month. It can only be God who has helped us this far and we trust Him to see us through to the end, believing that He who began a good work in us is faithful to complete it in Jesus name.

I got a message concerning a wife in a troubled marriage and was asked to advice on how she can handle those challenges in her marriage. I am actually sharing this on the blog because I have read a similar story on a social media group that I belong to and I think it’s a situation that we can learn from. This is not a situation peculiar to just one person and for those facing similar challenges I pray you find strength for victory.

Ma, I keep seeing my mum’s elder sister in the dream. My husband told me that I am fighting a blood battle and that they are willing to kill or destroy who tries to help me. He says he can help me, though he does not want to help me because he is not ready to go or pray extra-mile to help me. He said he can’t sacrifice that. He also said if not that he likes me he would have sent me packing a long time ago because he doesn't want problems because of me. He said he cannot tell me all that it entails but I have to cut off everybody in my family except my twin brother that we are to fight the battle together. He said I have made a covenant unknowingly. He said there are lots of things he sees and knows but can’t tell me that they are deep. My husband’s mother knows everything about it and was encouraging her son not to do anything with me because the prophet told them that the only solution for them is to send me packing, so if they frustrate my life I will leave. They told my husband not to pray with me. All these things my mother-in-law knows that is why she changed her attitude towards me. He tells his mum everything he does. The prophet told his mum that unless he divorces me there is no solution and that is why he is behaving that way to me. But I know that I will conquer because there is nothing God can’t do. Ma, please in this situation, what can I do? Now I can’t sit in his car or stay around him. He is running from me because his prophet told him if he wants his life he should avoid everything about me. All these things his mum is aware of because she is the one reporting the messages to him and they also go together while the prophet tells them all sorts of negative things about me. Ma, my husband and his family are running from me.

I wasn’t in the position to meet the lady with this issue in person, but the one to counsel her wanted us to discuss this together first. But like I mentioned earlier this is a situation not in isolation, there are a lot of marriages that have either been ruined or on the verge of being ruined not by the fault of the wife or even the husband but as a result of external influences that have been given room to dominate the marriage which they have absolutely no business with.

When God instituted marriage at the beginning in Genesis 2:24 the word of God says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” So the first problem I see in this narration is that rather than the husband leaving father and mother and cleaving to his wife, he has left his wife to cleave to his mother. In whatever way we walk against the divine pattern of God we are invariably walking into trouble. When God said a man should leave father and mother and cleave to his wife, the Lord was not dumb neither was He foolish. The wisdom of the Almighty God is matchless. When you follow stupidly the pattern of God you are walking into victory and success no matter how foolish the world sees you.

The father and mother have the assignment of their own marriage to work on daily till death do them part. If for any reason they begin to dominate the marriage of their children rather than just play advisory roles, then they have shifted focus from what should be paramount to them which is their own marriage, to things that do not concern them. They are operating outside the boundaries of their assignment while leaving their primary assignment unattended to.

But I sense something fishy in this narration; this wife says that her husband has been advised not to pray with her any longer and what that tells me is that unlike what she has been made to believe in this situation that she is the victim, I am of the belief that the husband is actually the victim. It is the husband that is the target for destruction in this situation whereas the wife is the hindrance in making the evil plan against him possible. And in ignorance the man is foolishly dancing into the gallery. 

Ecclesiastes 4:12 says “Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” But I like the way it is put in the NLT Bible translation, it says, “A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” So what these adversaries of your husband are trying to achieve is to ensure that he is standing alone when they strike, because when he is alone he can easily be defeated. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no-one to help him." So what this prophet has convinced the husband to do is to erode himself of help that he will need when he falls. Note that the Bible didn't say that if one falls his mother or father can help him up, but that his friend, that suitable helper whom the Lord has provided for him ahead of any fall, can help him up when he falls. So when a prophet tells you to stay away from your wife and not to pray with her, what he is doing to you is removing that God given help from your life who has been positioned strategically in your life to help you when you fall. 

Doesn't it bother you that they say he should not even pray with you? It because they know that with God you have formed a triple-braided cord which is even better and cannot easily be broken. All those ugly tales you have been told about having to fight a blood battle and entering into a covenant unknowingly are just stories to make you loss focus from the main battle. Any prophet that tells you that divorce is the only solution to the challenge of your life is a false prophet. He is not of God. Jesus said in Matthew 19:5 that “So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” God was not on vacation when you and your husband got married to each other. His presence was there bearing witness to the covenant being entered into by you and your husband as an everlasting covenant till death do you two part. Would a prophet now say that God made a mistake by permitting that marriage to take place such that He now had to change his mind to permit a divorce?

Heaven and earth will pass, but the word of God never changes and that word of God in Malachi 2:16 reads, “‘I hate divorce,’ says the Lord God of Israel, ‘and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,’ says the Lord Almighty.” A true prophet of God will not tell a man that to divorce his wife is the only solution to his problem when in truth God says He hates divorce.

So now that we have been able to identify some underlining issues in this situation and you have an idea of the truth about your challenges, I will advise wives going through this sort of challenge in their marriage to begin to pray. They will align with God in battle through prayer. They will not see their husbands as their enemy but as a man needing help whom the Lord has assigned to help as wife and suitable helper. They will wage war against the true enemy of their husband, their peace and their marriage.

In this warfare, know that the Bible says in Ephesians 6:12 that our struggle (warfare) is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. So your warfare is not physical but spiritual. Not against your husband or even your mother-in-law, but against the forces of evil who are against your peace in marriage. And the weapons you are fighting with is not your tongue, as a matter of fact those weapons are not of this world. The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 10:4 says, these weapons have divine power to demolish strongholds. That is your weapon of prayers. The kind of weapon you fight with when you put on the whole armor of God as stated in Ephesians 6:13-19.

While at war with the true enemy of your marriage, you need to be of good behavior in your home. Perform your wifely duties with all diligence. Prayerfully submit to your husband as unto the Lord, reverence and respect him while you still pray. Do not be harsh to your mother-in-law. Battles are not won in hatred but in love. You owe her respect and honor as your mother-in-law so pray for grace from God to pay that which you owe. Remember God said we should honor our father and mother, and your mother-in-law fails within that category since you are one with your husband in flesh and spirit. But you need to call on God to keep her busy so she doesn't have spare time to interfere with your marriage which is truth is not a business. Obey the word of God for your marriage and let God handle the rest on your behalf. It is well with you in Jesus name.   

Fights Never Get the Job Done

I hope that I am not having to keep you waiting for too long to hear from me. By the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, I will resume fully soon and we can keep enjoying each other’s company.

I got this interesting message that I want to share. On this marriage issue, we are all learning and I believe we can learn big from this hilarious marriage story too.

SHE WROTE::: Good day ma. Thanks for being there for me. I will appreciate if you can share my experience on the group. I promise myself to share if the drama works. This is just to fulfill my promise ma

 VC asked me to act sick end of April. She said I should get Cardigan, aboliki (Chinese Balm), anti-malaria, panadol and scarf as my costume. I couldn't do as she advised because my boss didn't allow me go on leave as planned till end of May. Fast forward to first week in June, I didn't tell my hubby I was on leave. I only told him I was down with fever and won't be going to work. He forced me to eat breakfast and I removed first dose of anti-malaria, flushed it in the toilet and went back to sleep. It was on a Friday, hubby left for work, kids left for school and I began to watch TV, ate good food till around 7p.m when I carry my costume begin dey sleep again like person wey truly get malaria. I told him I won't be able to go to the market to shop for food stuff + grocery as the malaria still dey worry me. He left for the market Saturday morning with the list I gave him. He came back complaining that things are too expensive. Did I tell you he used to give me 35k as monthly feeding allowance for family of 5? Yes, that was my cross, we would fight, insult each other still he refused to add to the money. I got tired of fighting and decided to get EGS involved. That is how this drama tin start o. I watched my husband complaining bitterly about yam and tomatoes. He kept warning our first child not to waste food. My daughter told him milk has finished just 3 days after he bought 400g can. Hubby started shouting 'is this how these children eat?' I just sit down on the bed in my Cardigan watching them. I responded 'that is why I begged you to increase the feeding allowance but you think I wanted to pocket your money, you never say thank you when I told you I spent about 100k on feeding every month' He said, ha! I can never imagine tomato is now #80 per one, 5 balls for #400. 

I acted sick for one week. It wasn't easy but I just had to do it to get my freedom. Only God knows how much he spent taking care of the home front in that one week. He credited my account with 50k and gave me 70k for the month of July. The most interesting part is, he gave me the money with so much humility. He said 'my dear, please manage this 70k, I will keep adding to it by God's grace,’ to be submissive is no longer hard for me. I love him better and no more fight. I also appreciate how Arewas always come out en masse to talk sense into whoever needs it. I truly appreciate EGS. What I tried to achieve for years with so much bitterness is now a thing of the past.

This message didn’t originate from me, and so there are a lot of acronyms there that I don’t really know its full meaning, like EGS and VC. But I sincerely find this as a very hilarious and practical way of getting issues resolved between a wife and her husband on the finances of their home. I am so glad this woman was able to apply this approach that didn’t entail force, fighting or quarreling. I just wish women will understand that force and fighting really don’t get the job done.

In as much as I don’t encourage deceit in marriage, but I am trying to understand how much of fights this woman must have had to put up with before being introduced to this wise approach that has fetched for her in marriage what the many fights could not fetch.

Just before settling down to write this piece, I called one of my friends who rushed to me some months back to seek help on her troubled marriage. She had read my story on my blog and she desperately wanted to talk to me. We sat down to talk and one of the truths that I shared with her was the fact that fights don’t solve the problem. They never do. Today when I called her to wish her a belated Happy Birthday, she was telling me how things are turning around in her marriage. She sounded happy and hopeful. That was not the case some months back when we first spoke, but now the story is changing. She is not fighting anymore, she is doing other things that are yielding better results for her. It's called godly wisdom

I know that not all can apply the method of this woman whose story is shared above successfully. Not every husband can react the way the husband in the story above reacted. It's not a stereotyped approach and men are different and should be handled differently. But when you truthfully seek God’s intervention in your marriage He will show you that method that will work for your peculiar situation in marriage. God never runs out of ideas that work, but fights never get the job done.  

Don't Seek The Demon in Your Wife

Hello people, it’s been about a month since I posted on this blog. I haven’t been anywhere, just occupied with writing books. Once done with the book in which I compiled previous marriage posts from this blog, I began writing another. In due season, you will have them to read in Jesus name.

I got this from my younger sister. She knows that I am very passionate about marriage and she often pops up some marriage puzzles for me to solve and most of them I have shared on this blog in form of true life stories because those puzzles are always true life situations that we can learn from. So we have this puzzle again to look into and by the grace of God share some lessons from.

The man in this story says he loves his wife but she acts like a zombie. Some other men have hyperactive wives and its also a problem, because with time you won’t know who is the boss in the home between the wife and the husband, and we begin to talk of domestic violence when the wife gets too outspoken.

First I give my 100% respect to this wife; to do what her husband says she does really takes a lot of humility and effort. No matter how down and low a woman is, for her to know that her husband is cheating on her and still apologizes, tells me such a woman has something up her sleeves. We woman would tolerate about anything from a man, but that our husbands are not faithful to us and we will still smile and accept it, is almost impossible except there is something else attached to the situation.

If a man cheated on his wife once or in the past and he is repentant and sober with signs to show that he is truly sober, then forgiving is very possible and easy. But when a woman knows that her husband is cheating on her and is still not reacting, I will say that the husband is more of a fool than he thinks he is. That wife of his wouldn’t be so humble in that circumstance if there is nothing making her so humble. By the time her bottled up resentment explodes, the husband would wish by his life that he never meddled with her emotions ever.

But what if this woman was a praying wife; a godly wife who is so submissive not because her husband is so nice and faithful, but because she is doing so in obedience to the word of God, like I have always preached on this blog. What this woman is doing in essence is that she is heaping coals of fire on her husband’s head as we read in Romans 12:17-20. This woman loves her peace more than anything else in the world, much more than the foolishness and drama of her unwise husband, recognizing that she would be worse off retaliating or avenging the wrongs her husband is doing to her and this husband is foolish enough not to know it.

No matter how this wife wants to avenge what her husband is doing to her, she cannot beat God to it. What God will do on her behalf far exceeds what she would do by herself and this is what the husband needs to be afraid of rather than make a boast of his stupidity.

I have always asked woman who have complained to me about their husbands infidelity or maltreatment how the financial state of their family/husband is, and the general answer that I get is that, it’s not as good as it was when love and peace was reigning in their marriage. Nothing drains wealth and value in a man’s life more than adultery and maltreating of a wife by her husband.

We learnt in Proverbs 18:22 that a man who finds a wife has found what is good and obtained favor from God. So to say that a wife is favor personified in the life of a man. Proverbs 31:11 also teaches us that a man who is married to a wife of noble character has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. So we can correctly conclude that a wife of noble character pours value into the life of her husband.

Now picture that you have been blessed with a wife such as the one described by her husband in the snap shot above, you automatically have what the Bible calls a wife of noble character who pours value into her husband's life; a wife who is favor personified in the life of her husband; a wife who works for the peace of her home. Then you will rightly conclude with me that not giving this wife the honor, love, esteem and respect that is due to her is like shortchanging her for her hard work and you would be answerable to God for that. So rather than appreciate the goodness in his wife, this man seeks a wolf he is most likely unable to tame when it turns up. So I seek the permission of my readers to call this man foolish. In no time this man would receive the reward of his foolishness.

I mentioned earlier that nothing drains wealth and prosperity from the life of a man who is married more than adultery and maltreatment of his wife and family. The Bible tells us in Luke 16:10 that “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.” Now consider this very carefully: if God has blessed and prospered you and rather than take care of the wife and family that God has entrusted to your care, you spend God’s wealth in your possession on careless living and adultery you have just proven to God that you cannot be trusted with very little. That blessing in your hands that looks so much to you, yet the Bible calls it very little, will be withdrawn because God does not waste His resources. There are so many people still seeking the resources which you waste. When your finances aren’t looking like it used to, before calling your wife a witch and the bad luck in your life, check how you have managed what was entrusted to you by God. 

God said in Malachi 2:13-14 that you flood the Lord’s altar with tears, you weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands simply because you have broken faith with the wife of your youth. A man from whom God has withdrawn His attention is a man from whom God has withdrawn His blessings. So when you break faith with the wife of your youth, you have God’s attention and blessings withdrawn from you. Your wife is not the witch or bad luck, you are simply the architect of your own misfortune.

Proverbs 3:9-10 says, “Honour the Lord with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops; then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim over with new wine.” When you give the firstfruits of your income, you pay that into the house of God, but when you honor God with your wealth, you spend your blessings in a manner that pleases God. If the Lord has asked a man to provide for his relatives, especially his immediately family (1 Timothy 5:8), and a man does just that, he honors the Lord with his wealth. For such a man, his barns will be filled to overflowing and his vats will always brim with new wine. That man is proving to God that he is faithful with very little and as much shows God his readiness for bigger blessings.

From all of these scriptural revelations that we have, we can see and understand the foolishness of a man who stands to disdain the honor and respect his wife shows him by saying sorry at all times and to all things. This woman that seems to be foolish in the sight of the world is rather wise in the things of God and her reward will not be delayed.

It is okay to seek a vibrant wife, but never seek the demon in your wife because when that demon is unleashed you won’t be able to curtail it. When you want the best from your wife, give her the best. Engage your wife in constructive discussions and you will be amazed at her level of intelligence. When you want to know what your wife is capable of, give her task to handle and I can assure you she will surpass your imagination. It is only in love that you can get the best from the gift of favor that the Lord has placed in your life in the person of your wife.    

Rape & Marriage

Lately I have read some articles about sex in marriage on my social media timeline and sincerely I have learned quite a lot from them. But I also came across a post where a young woman was asking for help on the note that she was raped by her husband. I had waited a while to see if someone would comment on that particular post cause it was on a group forum, but when none was forthcoming I decided to drop my thought. That same thought is what I will be sharing with you on today’s post by the special grace of God.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5

The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayers. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of lack of self-control. 

My first thought to this grave allegation of this wonderful wife is, what is her definition of rape? From what the dictionary says, rape is simply defined as "unlawful sexual intercourse." Can one then say that because a man who makes love or has sexual intercourse with his lawfully wedded wife without her consent has raped her? This is an issue that can be debated, but here is my own line of argument on it.

From what I have read in the scripture above, a man’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife, and in the same manner, a woman’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. Now for a man taking hold of his wife’s body which also belongs to him as her lawfully wedded husband without her consent, can we then call that rape based on the revelation of the word of God in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. Now, is it possible to steal what you own because rape can actually be likened to theft. This is one of my reasons for questioning this woman’s grievous allegation from a wife to a husband and others like it.

Then we find again in 1 Corinthian 7:3-5 that a wife should not deprive her husband; neither should a husband deprive his wife except for mutual consent. From my own understanding of the word of God, what the Bible says requires consent is the abstinence from sex between a husband and his wife and not a wife requiring consent before she can have sex with her husband or a husband requiring consent in order to have sex with his wife. So this allegation is a bit ambiguous for me to accept. The Bible says a spouse must seek consent before abstinence of sex and the world system says a spouse must seek consent before sex takes place. If this issue of consent before sex is required between two adults that are not married then I will agree with it in totality. But when they are married, its a different ball game entirely going by the discovery made in the Bible. We should bear in mind that sex outside of marriage is forbidden by God. 

Now some of the comments that came after I posted my comment, argued contrary to my opinion, and the general consensus was that a man who loves his wife would not rape her or forcefully have sex with her. There are a lot of write ups posted from other websites that showed that marital rape is actually possible and it was also associated with domestic violence, and to men who lack respect and regard for women.

I don’t disagree with whatever ideology and logic given to the explanation of domestic rape, but I have based all of my life on the Bible approach and God’s interpretation has made more sense to me than anything else. A man who longs to have sex with his wife is a man who loves his wife enough to share his body with her and likewise a woman who seeks sex with her husband must love him enough to want to share her body with him unreservedly. It is when love is lacking that a man or woman will require consent from their spouse before they can engage in sex with them.  This man or woman could as well have shared his/her body with another woman/man outside of the marriage but choose his wife or her husband above all and I believe this gesture should appreciated and reciprocated. And going by what I am reading in the Bible a man or woman does not need the consent of their spouses for sex to take place. I do not mean to sound cruel, but this is what the Bible says.

But I need to add more to this so we can have a better understanding of the matter. Sex should be a show of love between married couples. Sex is the physical expression of the emotion of love between a husband and his wife. But sex is also a duty for married couples as we can understand from scripture above. So as a husband or wife you should to be up to your duty on all issues in your union including sex, in obedience to the will of God for your marriage. When you lack interest in this aspect of your duty or you lack motivation, it’s a thing worth praying to God about.

I was once in that phase in my marriage where I detested sex. But the moment I read the scripture in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 and realized that sex is a duty I owed my husband and lacked motivation in, I began to pray. I asked God for help and in His faithfulness God heard me and helped me and that aspect of my marital life is not lacking anymore. Because I made up my mind to always please my husband not because he deserved it or not, but because pleasing my husband means pleasing God who has asked me to submit to my husband as unto the Lord. Now I have overcome my dislike for sex. 

I appreciate that sometimes a woman or man may be stressed up either physically or emotionally and as such might not be inclined to sex at that time. But this should be for just a short period of time. The body needs rest in truth but its still not an excuse based on the Bible to abstain from sex. But if both agree to a short break to overcome fatigue, I believe there is nothing wrong with that.

But it is ungodly for a woman or man to use sex as a punitive tool in marriage. Prolonged abstinence from sex in marriage as a means to punish each other or for any other reason at all is not godly. For a woman or man to say that because he/she is upset or angry with her/his spouse and so they won’t make love with each other is absolutely wrong. Deal with your anger, pray that the Lord would help you manage your anger and then get together with your spouse. Jesus said you should not allow dawn to meet you angry with anyone at all least of all your spouse.
At the moment of sexual pleasure between married couples, all negative emotions are eroded; anger and hatred fades away at the point of intimacy and God in His wisdom says you two should not deprive one another that opportunity of reconciliation without verbal apology. He knows how sex can help your marriage grow, He put it there for a purpose and so He says do not deprive one another.    

Some others have put forward the fact that marital rape is associated with domestic violence. I have always maintained that domestic violence is an avoidable phenomenon in a marriage where God and wisdom is allowed to have free-play in. When a woman is submitting to her husband as unto the Lord in obedience to the word of God, she pleases God and pleases her husband too (and that is the hidden truth). By pleasing her husband she is attracting her husband’s love and when she is attracting her husband’s love, he will make her a priority in his life. When she is a priority in his life, he is caring for her and loving her and so he is pleasing her in return. When this is what plays out in your marriage, then domestic violence has no business in your union. Rape and disrespect for your woman dignity will have no place in your union. These are simple things that we have made so complicated due to pride of life, ignorance, lack of contentment, greed and hardness of heart. Otherwise this should not be. 

The Wife in Hannah

In today’s discovery on marriage, I am trusting God to help us consider the marriage story of Hannah as found in 1 Samuel chapter 1. In this scripture we will notice some interesting things that happened in that marriage. First it was a polygamous marriage setting with one wife having many children and the other one having none.

The second thing to note is that Hannah who was the barren wife was the one loved by the husband (1 Samuel 1:5). So we see a wife loved by her husband, preferred to her rival in marriage but she appears to be the godly one.

What has endeared me to Hannah of the Bible is the calm and humble way with which she handled her situation. Though she was in great distress and wouldn’t eat over the challenging situation she was faced with, yet she didn’t throw any tantrums neither was she involved in the blame game. She didn’t attempt to fight back because her husband’s other wife continually provoked her to irritation.

A lot of women would agree to the fact that it’s enough heart ache that you have to share your husband with another woman, but that this other woman would continually provoke you to irritation and mock you because of your challenges was more than enough reason to fight back. But rather than Hannah do anything irrational, she cried to God. The Bible tells us in 1 Samuel 1:10 that in bitterness of heart, Hannah prayed her heart out to God in Shiloh. Hannah so prayed that the prophet of the sanctuary thought she was drunk.  

In faithfulness the Bible tells us that God answered her prayers and the Shiloh visit for the following year meet her with a bouncing baby boy which she dedicated to God in fulfillment of her covenant with God. That baby boy born as a result of bitter prayers became one of the greatest prophets of Bible times. Kings reverend him and regarded his words as words directly from the Lord. But the mention of Peninnah and that of her children didn’t go beyond the first chapter of the book of 1 Samuel.

This is a very different story from that of Rachel the loved wife of Jacob in Genesis 29:14-31:55. Both Hannah and Rachel had their wombs closed by the Lord yet they were loved by their husbands. Rachel made so much fuse about her situation and would always hold her husband responsible for her challenge. But Hannah recognized her problem, and though she was depressed about it, yet she had the wisdom and temperament to run to God and cry to God who was able to take away her misery.

Peninnah provoked Hannah with the intention to irritate her, but Rachel on the other hand was jealous of her sister. So we see two women faced with exactly the same predicament yet they handled it differently. Hannah gave birth to a prophet and lived happily ever after with her loving husband but Rachel died at childbirth. Hannah justified the love her husband had for her, but Rachel was a disgrace in the life of her husband.

Situations similar to this are still happening in our world today. I know of a woman whose husband abandoned her for another woman, but rather than do the needful and run to God with a pure heart, she disdained her husband. As of the last I heard of this woman’s story, her husband is with the third wife and she is still nursing the grudge and abhorring hatred for him. This hatred has not changed the situation for her or brought her husband back to him, rather it’s making it worse by the day.

We’ve all had painful experiences about marriage and I have shared my own story on this blog more than once. But the outcomes of those experiences are determined by the way we handle them. When you allow your emotions to rule your reactions to trying situations in your marriage a favorable outcome is not guaranteed. But when in wisdom you submit your situation to God and allow him lead you on what to do and how to do it, you will enjoy peace, joy, love and harmony in your marriage. Unfortunately the end always justifies the means.   

Our book "The Marriage Handbook" is now available in print on Createpsace online book store. You can just check it out on this click.
This is a 565page book that will make a huge impact on your marriage. It's a compilation of blog messages from my blog on marriage issues. You don't want to do without one in your collection of inspirational materials. 

Helping Each Other Grow

14/6/2017

On bended knees, I apologize for another long break in posting something for you to read and learn from. But I feel your prayers and with me rounding up with what I have to do, I pray that I will be able to give myself wholly to reaching out to you again.

My pastor preached a message about two Sundays ago in church and what really ministered to me in that message was in the theme Bible passage that he preached on.

Ephesians 4:14-16 (NLT)

 Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.  

This Bible passage cannot be more fitting for today’s marriage world and just as my pastor was preaching and making continual reference to this passage the one thing that kept coming to my mind was today’s marriage.

Quite a number of times I have noticed that speaking to women on marriage issues, the first thing that comes as a response is that if the women have to do so much in and for their marriages, what do the men have to contribute in and for their marriages. It always appear that the women have to do it all. And the men have concluded that women are the most difficult and complicated living creature to live with. And each time I hear or read stuff like this, my heart bleeds.

Every day the women claim they feel deprived in the world, they want equality with the men and they have practically left their own special work undone while preying into what the man should do and how the man and woman were created equal and should be regarded as such. And the men have become laid back. They have told themselves that women are so difficult and so should just be abandoned. You hear things like “if you show her love there is a problem, if you don’t show her love there is also a problem. So just let go and enjoy your life.” So a man would leave the wife that God has asked him to love and care for and spends more time with his friends in the name of hang outs. So the man has also left his special work undone.

Every time you hear vocal women encourage other women not to let themselves get repressed by the men. They push for gender equality. They tell the woman she is to be respected and all these they do in the name of helping the woman build her self esteem and have a voice and a say in the scheme of things. And so they pumped up the women folk. These pumped up women go home and begin to act strange and start to demand respect and claim equality with their husbands. Sooner than later their marriages are in trouble. In no time the once peaceful home is heading for a divorce in the name of irreconcilable differences. Every day the numbers of failed marriages are growing at an alarming rate.

These so called women encouragers are those Paul says we should be weary of; their message is so clever that they sound like the truth, but they are pack of lies. They are sweet to the ears but have its destroying effects on the heart. When you hear messages like this, try measure them with the truth of the Bible. If God says a wife should submit to her husband as unto God, that alone should let you know that the wife and husband are not equal in the hierarchy of the home. Anybody attempting to teach you equality between the husband and the wife is sowing a seed of destruction in your home. Such a person should not be entertained.
If a woman is claiming equality with another man outside of the marriage setting I might not condemn that; if the man you say you are equal to irrespective of gender is not your husband, then its okay. But this doctrine should not be introduced into the marriage setting. When it comes to the marriage, the husband is the head over his wife as Christ is the head over the husband (Ephesians 5:22-23, 1 Corinthians 11:3). In marriage and in the home, the husband and wife are not equal. The husband is the head of the wife. 

One important truth about marriage that is taught in the theme scripture for this is post is that when you do your own special work in your marriage, you help your spouse to grow. The more you improve on yourself in doing your own special work in that marriage the more you lift your spouse up to grow and own up to his/her own special work and with diligence at work your marriage is healthy, growing and full of love. You do not need to bother much about the performance of your spouse in doing his/her special work, but the more you get yourself better in doing your own special work the more you make room for growth even in the life of your spouse and the more you create an enabling environment for your spouse to do his/her special work too. No wonder Peter said in 1 Peter 3 that a woman will win her unbelieving husband to the Lord through the purity and reverence of her life shinning through her submission to her husband. 

A husband whose wife is yet to be the ideal wife he wants her to be, can only help his wife to grow into what he wants her to be by loving her unconditionally like Christ loves the church. The more he loves his wife the more he helps her grow. And when he loves and keeps loving, it will get to a point the Lord will touch her heart and create in her the will she needs to want to reciprocate the love her husband is showering on her which in turn makes her want to do only those things that are pleasing to her loving husband. In no time the marriage has grown and the home is full of love.

In the same manner, a wife who wants to bring out the good in her husband would do so effectively by submitting to him as unto the Lord. The more you submit to your husband, the more you please him; and the more you please your husband, the more he loves you. In no time you would have drawn out the love of your husband for you. You would have earned his love and helped him to grow. The more your husband loves you, the more he cares for you and pours generously into your life. The more he pours into your life the more God pours into his own life too.

This is God’s way of bringing about positive changes in the lives of His people. For marriage to thrive, those in it should be totally selfless, patient and willing to help the other grow. The more of your special work that you do diligently, the more growth you bring about in the life of your spouse and the more your marriage grows and then the more your home is filled with love. 

Think about it.  

The Tiny Spark

It’s no gain saying that many people have entered into grievous trouble simply by the words of their mouth and in the same manner, quite a number of people have received huge favors for their lives simply by the fruit of their mouth. A man looking for a job will either get employed or turned down by the product of his mouth. What he says at the job interview before the panel will determine whether he gets the job or not. In the same manner, the life and death of a marriage is closely tied to the product of our mouths. There are a lot of times that a spouse will be going through domestic violence in marriage not as a result of physical abuse, but as a result of emotional abuse resulting from the product of the mouth. As a matter of fact a lot of physical abuse in marriage originated from verbal abuse which also is the product of the mouth and so the Bible says that the power of life and death is in the tongue and those who love it will eat its fruit (Proverbs 18:21).

Proverbs 16:24

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Proverbs 18:6, 7

A fool’s lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating.

A fool’s mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul.

Proverbs 18:21

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat it’s fruit.

James3:2, 5-6, 9-10

We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body.

Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.

If I don’t write anything more asides these Bible passages, I am sure the message would have been passed, but so that we really appreciate the impact of our tongue on the outcome of our marriages I will try to put in some explanation.

Marriage is like a venture that you invest in, what you put into it, is what you get out of it in multiple folds whether you are the husband or the wife. Now we are learning from Proverbs 16:24 that pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones; the more you want to harvest the fruits of pleasant words from your marriage, the more you invest pleasant words into that marriage. But you will only be on a mission of self deceit if you believe that when you invest cruel words in your marriage, pleasant words will come back to you. Do not be fooled.

Then another angle to look at this issue from is that when fire is burning, it is put off with water. Fire is hot and water is cold. For a man who wants to do the will of God and succeed, you don’t repay cruelty or cruel words with another cruel word or cruel action. Rather than such a marriage to thrive, it burns out and dies. When your spouse hits you with cruel words and you respond with pleasant word, you get a pleasant reward from God for the wisdom you have applied while your spouse gets a reward fitting for his/her cruel words from God Who is a constant witness and judge over your marriage. The continuous pour of your own pleasant words into that marriage erodes the cruel words of your spouse and soon you see in him/her a changed person whose cruelty has been killed by your kindness and love and he/she also learns to speak pleasantly. Your pleasant words will then be yielding for you pleasant words even from your spouse.

The volume of water you require to quench a fire depends on the magnitude of the fire. Small fire would require small amount of water and huge fire would require large volumes of water. So the pleasant words you require to quench the cruelty of words from your spouse depends on how cruel he/she is. The more the cruelty, the more the pleasant words that should come from you to him/her. Don’t wait for your spouse to tender an apology; you, who know to seek the peace and prosperity of your home and marriage should work for it more. Over time, the apologies will come pouring in.

Then one thing we need to understand is that what we say with our mouths, good or bad, carry a lot of weight. Remember the power of life and death is in the tongue. What you confess with your mouth over the life of your spouse will find a means of manifestation in his/her life. You cannot call your spouse a fool and still expect him/her to act wisely. If you have called him/her a fool then you should expect only foolish acts from him/her. Even if he/she will act wisely to everyone else, when it comes to you, he will be a fool because that is what you have called him/her. In the same manner, if you call your spouse lazy, wicked, mean, these words will always find a means to manifest and so it is important that we are guide the words of our mouth in marriage. When your spouse is not fulfilling his/her responsibility in marriage, pray for such a spouse. Hand him/her over to God who is able to do in the life your spouse what you or your negative out-pour over his/her life can do. And with faith in God, it won't be long before you start to see the changes you desire manifest in the life of your spouse with God at work and with your cooperation intact. 

When you bless your spouse with the words that you speak to him/her and over his/her life, you will see blessings manifest in his/her life and indeed you will be a part-taker of that same blessing because you and your spouse are one in flesh and spirit before God. And in the same manner when all that comes out of your mouth to your spouse are curses, you will also part-take of the curse because you and your spouse are one in flesh and spirit before God.

The Bible says we are allowed to be angry, but in our anger we should avoid sin. The tongue has the power of life and death and those who love it eat its fruit. What fruits are you eating from the produce of your tongue? Are they sweet fruits like the honeycomb, or bitter/soar fruits? Whatever it is, you need to know that what you put in is what comes out for you. You can build your marriage on the foundation of pleasant and encouraging words, and you can kill it and pull it down by cruel and cursed words. If you want sweetness, sow sweetness, beginning with pleasant words.  

It's important that you get this book brought to you in very good shape, and so the link to the book has been withdrawn just to dot some Is and cross some Ts. But by the grace of God we are still working. And "The Marriage Handbook" is truly worth waiting for.