Investing Money in Your Husband: Is it Wrong?

It's another beautiful day and another glorious opportunity to learn a thing or two from today’s blog. I pray that by the power of the living God, today’s blog post will impact your life positively in Jesus name.

Last weekend I was invited to give a talk on the issue of marriage in a Church’s Men’s Convention and the wives were invited. I was invited to talk about marriage from a wife’s point of view. During the question and answer session, one of the questions that were asked inspired me to write a message on it. The question is this, “What about wives who have tried several times to give their husbands huge sums of money to start up a business in order to assist him in his responsibility as a breadwinner and all he has done is to squander the money with nothing to show for it. In this case what should or can the wife do again.”  

As a wife we are the suitable helper to our husbands, that is a God-given assignment and we will give account to God on how well we have performed. But in fulfilling this assignment we need wisdom from God and we need to connect with the Spirit of God always in everything we do. Proverbs 16:9 says, “In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” Before you plan to or actually give your husband money to start off any business, did you pray about it first? Did ask God if that was the right thing to do or the God-approved way to help your husband?

This is where we miss the mark; it is very correct that we as wives are God’s suitable helper to our husbands, but where to help and how to help is a matter we need to constantly seek the face of God for, so we don’t run a fruitless race on the issue of marriage. A lot of times we need to put our emotions on hold and seek the face of God before we act. When you decide to pump money into the life of your husband without prior seeking God to know if it’s the right step to take, you do what you do on your own wisdom which is limited, and the end result of such action is not guaranteed.

I am a very big advocate of a wife financially assisting her husband when the need arises, but it is important that you put the matter before the Lord first and seek His direction on how to go about it before taking the step. Unless your husband demands your help on financial matters and as a wife under submission you are compelled by the Spirit of God in you in obedience to the word of God to submit to your husband and obey his instruction and release funds to him, you should not on your thoughts begin to pump money into the life of your husband without first seeking God’s thought on the matter.

As a wife, there are a lot of areas where you should and must help your husband be better than you met him that has little or nothing to do with money. The success of your marriage should not have money as a catalyst or a prerequisite factor. And so, as a wife, you should not assume in your mind that your husband will love you more or be a better husband to you because you lavish him with money. If that is what you think and work with, frustration may await you at the end of the day. When you don’t have money as you used to, then the marriage dies a natural death.

Let me tell a personal story at this point. About 11years ago the financial life of both my husband and I was in a very terrible state. When we got married I was earning more and so I had more to put in the family wallet, and shortly after we got married I lost my job. And then I began to pray. One of my prayer points for my husband was that God should provide him with all that he needs to be a good husband to me and a good father to our children. So the wisdom he needs, the financial resources, the moral-upstanding and whatever else I could think of to mention in my prayer and those I didn't have the knowledge to mention, I asked the Lord to provide all for my husband.

Some years later, my husband saw a job advert in the newspaper and he wrote an application for the job and brought it home to me to help him post in the post-office. Before leaving for the post-office I prayed on the application and entered into a covenant with God over that application that I want to give a testimony on it. My husband never knew that I prayed, neither did he know that I made a covenant with God concerning the application letter he gave me to post.

Two weeks after I posted the application letter he was called for an interview and then after another week, he was called for a second interview and then a week after that he was called for a third interview and wage negotiation and he indeed got the job to the glory of God. Now, I helped my husband as his suitable helper because all through the course of the series of interviews, I never stopped praying and when he came back home with not-to-good stories of how the interview went, I didn’t let it shake my faith. Today, 10years later, he is the head of the factory of the company. He has grown through the ranks, I didn’t help him with money, I didn’t have to try to set him up in a business of any kind, but I helped him on my knees with prayers. What he has attained with my prayers no amount of money that I could give him could have enabled him to attain such. In fact, the kind of money he has is what I am still trusting God for in my account (lol).

So, I conclude with this, don’t bother to play God in the life of your husband in the name of helping him. Giving him money to start a business or for him to get on his feet and stand as a man as the society understands it to be, may not be the solution to the problem. But when you pray always for your husband and seek direction from God on the way to go about helping him you will achieve more as his suitable helper than you can ever think or dare to achieve with your limited wisdom or even enormous wealth.

The very first ever Couple’s Clinic is happening on the 1^st of December 2018 and it going to be breathtaking. So much to learn in ensuring that your marriage is a beautiful success. Mr. Deji Irawo is a male mentor like no other. When I listened to him speak I realized I was still a learner when it comes to men’s issues and he is part of the couple’s clinic team. You can’t afford to miss this. But we have very limited space and so you will need to register to be a part of this. It is absolutely FREE for attendance, but you will have to book a seat by sending a message with your name, telephone number and email address to 08030467047. Or you register at https://thewordthatsuits.com/couples-clinic-registration/    

Unity in Marriage - A Big Lesson (4)

Genesis 2:24

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Malachi 2:15

Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

Matthew 19:4-6

“Haven’t you read” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’, and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

We have looked at and considered several dimensions of unity in marriage, and in truth, we cannot overemphasize its importance. And so, in the Bible passages above we see one fundamental truth spoken by God and not by any man. The Lord God Almighty says “He who made them male and female has declared that the man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and from then on, they are no longer two but one.” They are in fact one both in flesh and in spirit. So what marriage makes happen is to unite the man to his wife whereby they stop to be two different entities, but they then become one.

Within this one people comprising of the male husband and female wife joined as one entity, whatever they plan shall not be impossible for them (Genesis 11:6), and they will have good returns for their labor (Ecclesiastes 4:9) and when they agree concerning anything that they have asked God for, it will be done for them by our Father in heaven, the God of our Lord Jesus Christ (Matthew 18:19).

But this unity does not come cheap, the fact that you are united as one in marriage does not mean you will remain united as one if you are not careful to guide and guard that unity. Because the devil knows the abundant blessings that are enveloped in the unity of marriage, he will do everything within his power to ensure that the unity of the husband and his wife does not hold. So you cannot afford to be careless or carefree with the unity of your marriage.

Now the devil won’t come to you and say, I want to take the unity of your marriage away. No-one has ever seen the devil even though we hold him responsible for everything that goes wrong in our lives. But the unity of our marriage is stolen in disguise. It starts with a very minute misunderstanding or disagreement. And in some cases, it graduates to lack of trust and then to marital unfaithfulness. And I can go on with so many reasons why the husband and the wife don’t agree. But one secret that we are not always mindful of is that Matthew 18:19 requires that they agree first before asking and then it is crowned up with receiving what they have asked for. And so, ensuring agreement should be a continuous deliberate act.

We cannot eliminate misunderstandings and disagreements in marriages, but it is important that we suffocate it out of our marital lives whenever it raises its ugly head. Sometimes it’s necessary to play the fool and be quiet and tolerant on issues with your spouse in marriage, not because you are actually a fool but because you want peace to reign in your marriage and you hold the unity of your marriage sacrosanct.

Ecclesiastes 3:7 says, “a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak”, the second part of this scripture is so very important in marriage. There is a time to be silent and a time to speak. When you are mindful of the unity of your marriage, you will understand and appreciate that there is a time to be silent and a time to speak. Now, note the order, the silent time comes before the speaking time.

You don’t respond to everything your spouse does that hurts you, not because you can’t or that they don’t hurt, but because you are working for the unity of your marriage. When your spouse hurts you and you keep quiet more often than you kick-back and react, you are respected and when you eventually speak up, it’s weightier. But when you are always reacting to everything your spouse does to you, first you wash away the unity of your marriage, you erode the respect your spouse should have for you and eventually you become irritating and categorized as a nagging personality. So, there is more dignity in holding back and praying, than in speaking up and fighting all the time.  

I am not saying that you bottle-up so much in you till you grow resentful towards your spouse, but I say that you pray more for your spouse when he/she hurts you and seek the peace of God within you to forgive and let go. In marriage, there is the need to master your emotions and be the lord and boss over your feeling than to let your feeling and emotions rule you.

I totally agree that you will need to voice out sometimes, but you need to let those sometimes be less times than more. And then when you have to let your spouse know that you are hurting by his/her actions or inactions, the manner in which you air your grievances is also very important. I would always say this about communication in life and especially in marriage; three things are most important: What you say, how you say it and when you say it. All these factors put together will say a lot about the reaction of your spouse to what you have complained about. These three factors will determine whether he/she will be sober and repent or whether he/she will kick-up and react negatively or aggressively. So, your words, your timing and your body language and tone of voice play a big role in the effectiveness of what you have to communicate with your spouse.  

Now, the focus of all of these is to ensure the unity of your marriage which is prerequisite to loads of blessings from the Lord for your marriage and individual lives. Remember it’s "if two of you agree concerning anything they ask for." Note that a house that is divided in itself cannot stand. A company or an establishment in which its owners are divided on more issues than they are united, is heading towards a collapse and same goes for any marriage institution. We if we have not been working hard towards the unity of our marriages, now is the time to start.  

The very first Couple's Clinic is happening on the 1st of December 2018. It's a free attendance program but we have very limited sitting capacity. Plan to be there and book your sit by registering for the program. Details of the program will be provided very soon

Unity in Marriage - A Big Lesson (3)

So, continuing from my last post, the second thing I learned when I ran back to God concerning the frustrating situation in my marriage and the truth that stared me in the face that I could no longer handle the financial situation of my marriage was the importance of deliberately maintaining a flow of communication in my marriage and upholding the unity of my home.

Everything I was going through was such that I saw my husband as wicked and insensitive. I stopped telling him things about myself and the happenings in the home and he didn’t bother to ask. When there was a situation in my home I would look for a means of resolving it first before telling my husband about it and that is if I ever told him. And he also had the mindset that since I was trying to take up his role, he wouldn’t stop me since it was making life easier for him after all.

So, after praying and trusting God, I learned the importance of submission and how it would help me overcome my current challenge, stripe me off my current burden and transfer the responsibility of headship back to my husband. But one other important revelation that came to me was the importance of unity. The importance of "agreement" in my marriage in order to have good success.

So, as I began to submit to my husband, I began to marry my opinions and ideas with his. I learned to submit my ideas to the authority of my husband’s ideas. No matter how much I was convinced that I was right, and he was wrong, I would go by his way. I was able to do this because I always prayed to God that if He demanded that I submit to my husband as unto the Lord as found in Ephesians 5:22-24, then He should fill my husband with His presence such that whatever step or decision my husband takes, it will be God’s decision for the family. And even when it looks so wrong I will still follow and pray that God turns that so wrong decision into a so right decision for our family.

Since I have begun this process we have enjoyed good progress in my family. And because I am constantly on the altar of prayer in my heart, a lot of the decisions that my husband has made has ultimately been for the progress of our family. I will own up to the fact that we still have arguments on very rare occasions but in all, I am enjoying my marriage. 
And then one other thing this has brought to my family is Unity. When I deliberately let my husband be the head while I be the suitable helper, unity began to grow. We were able to agree on a lot of issues and those agreements formed the basis of our prayers to God. So, it wasn’t that my husband was praying for A item while I was busy praying for B which is in direct contrast of what my husband was praying for. With that sorted answers to our prayers were coming fast.

Because my husband noticed and appreciated my efforts in making the marriage a success and he had noticed that I submitted to him, understanding that I wasn’t doing it because I had no ideas or will of my own, but because I recognized him as my husband and head of my family and esteemed him so, he communicated with me more. It was easier for him to open up his mind and thought to me and whatever he told me was a prayer point for me. Even when he told me things I thought might not work well with the family, rather than voice my disagreement, I would pray that God would redirect him to do the right thing. And because I belong to the living God who answers prayers the story always ends in praise.

My husband and I have achieved more as a unit of one people speaking with one voice more than we could ever achieve individually. Jesus says that a house that is divided in itself cannot stand. And so you need to be very deliberate about ensuring and maintaining the unity of your marriage and your home. Never let anything disturb the unity of your marriage, you need to be intentional about it and prayerfully sustain it too and you will achieve good success to the glory of God alone. 

The very first Couple's Clinic from The Word That Suits comes up on the 1st of December 2018 at Chevron Recreational Center. I encourage you to keep the date. I will be speaking and so will a very powerful male mentor Mr. Deji Irawo. It promises to be a for rebuilding marriages and homes. 

Unity in Marriage - A Big Lesson (2)

A very good old friend of mine came to see me this past week, we had worked together in a telecommunications company some twelve years ago but kept in touch. We spent several hours discussing the various life’s challenges we have faced in the past twelve years. While I can say that I am overcoming my own challenges, she was still trusting God for respite on her own issues. We spoke about her marriage and then we agreed on some of the reasons why she might still be having issues in some areas of her life and areas she needs to work on.

For her, as it is with a lot of other marriages of God-fearing people with issues in marriage so much damage is caused by the break down in communication. She lost her job at about the time her husband lost his job. She plunged herself into finding a means to financially provide for the family and the husband just stayed back and looked on not that its all his fault. Like many women, my friend felt her husband was taking the issue a little less serious and she decided to bypass him and he just let her be. 
With time they both began to draw apart, and the husband was becoming frustrated and he would show it. So, from finding a way to make ends meet, my friend also had the burden of coping with a frustrated husband. Her husband never says much in the house and everything she does whether good or bad was fine by him since she had assumed the boss role.

My friend on her own part was too busy running to do every and any work her hands finds to do just to ensure that the family is running fine and the financial strain isn’t obvious for the world to see. But this goes with a lot of cold and silent wars in her marriage and she has decided to choose the wellbeing of her family above the naggings of her husband. I am sure a lot of women would do the same. I did the same thing too when faced with such a challenge until I had a divine revelation from God.  

The first thing that I noticed was that I was carrying the responsibilities of my husband. I was supposed to support him in his responsibility as the head of the home and not to carry his responsibility as my own. My husband is the head of the home and even in meeting with the needs of the home and carrying on the financial burden of the home, he is still the head. But my passion for wanting everything to work well made me begin to carry on his responsibilities as my own as I considered he was not moving fast enough and not showing enough passion for our needs as a family as I thought he should.

So, I began to do what he was supposed to be doing and he was just looking at me and not complaining. Waiting until I weary myself with a burden that shouldn’t be mine. With no concrete source of income and with my life savings gone and all my gold pieces of jewelry all sold in order to make ends meet in the come I began to get frustrated. More so the fact that my husband wasn’t helping much and not showing enough care. Communication between us was at level zero. And I held on to my only lifeline. I ran back to God, prayed and then listened for answers.

These are the lessons I learned:

1). I was supposed to be a suitable helper to my husband and not the primary burden bearer. So, carrying up the responsibilities of the home and expecting my husband to help, was in direct opposition to God’s order of things. So first, I need reverse that order to align with God's order and put my emotions under check.

Now, how do I make my husband take up his responsibilities of providing for the needs of the family like he should? I couldn’t force him, I couldn’t even tell him to do what he is meant to do. No amount of telling him will make any difference, it will only result in quarrels, fights and any other form of resistance. I am sure a lot of people are experiencing that kind of resistance and fights now.

So, I began to pray. It was only God that could do in this matter what I or any other wife in the same situation as I was then cannot do. In every situation that I prayed to God about in my marriage, all I heard from Him was and still is submission. So, in making my husband responsible for his responsibilities, I needed to submit to him. It sounds very absurd an approach. By human reasoning, there is no correlation between submission and making a man be the man of the house and provide for his family like he should.

Here is the analysis that most of us don't give a thought to. Well practically speaking, submitting to your husband makes him own the responsibility. When you obey your husband, you speak to him in actions and not words that whatever he tells you to do and you do, he is responsible for the outcome of your action or inaction and not you, since you are just doing as he says, you are obeying him, you are submitting to him. When you do this and pray, you act and support your actions with prayers. So while your actions are playing a role in the situation, God is working on his conscience through your prayers. When there is a situation in the home and you allow your husband take the call he understands that whatever call he takes, he is responsible for it, whatever the outcome is. And if he takes no call at all that does not amount to him not being responsible for his inactions. And as a wife, it is my duty to support him and pray for him to make the right decisions all the time noting that my own opinion on the matter might not necessarily be the right opinion.  
Little wonder from the Bible why God never queries the wives/mothers over faults in any family situation. The man is the head as far as God is concerned. So, as a wife, rather than take matters into your hands because you think the situation needs fast attention, keep a hold on your emotions, pray to God and let your husband take the call. Continually doing this tells him over and over again that he is head and he is responsible for the situations in the home.

But as a wife, you need to do this and keep doing it prayerfully. You are not just letting go of responsibility, but you are prayerfully handing it over to your husband who ideally owns the responsibility and burdens that you carry on yourself unnecessarily.

I am always amazed at how much we as wives can achieve through submission. And when I say submission, it does not speak of weakling wives as most people want to believe. It is the powerful tool used by wise and godly women to achieve so much in their marriage that makes them models for others to copy. Submission is strength in itself. Submission in marriage should not be a symbol of intimidation but of strength and power of godly wives who prayerful submit to their husbands in accordance to the will of God for their lives and marriages. 

Unity In Marriage - A Big Lesson (1)

It’s been a long time that I shared a blog and I am beginning to need you (who read this and enjoy it) to help me pray for strength. I won’t make too much promises, but I just pray the Lord will give me grace and strength to improve on my performance in Jesus name.

There is a date I will encourage you to keep in your calendar, and that date is the 1^st of December 2018. For the first time, we are having to go beyond just the blog to a live audience. Let’s discuss this marriage issue life and there is a very blessed male speaker on board to discuss with us the ills of marriage from a masculine perspective and with the Holy Spirit as our very first lead. And with that said, let's go into the discussion for this post.

There is a divine revelation that we still don’t have when it comes to the issue of marriage. Marriage is not just for the provision of material things, marriage is not just for companionship, it’s a little beyond that. Marriage is not just for reproduction or the desire for physical needs, its bigger than all of these that I have just mentioned. What I have discovered marriage to be, is two people coming together to work together to achieve success in life. When you have a divine revelation of this one important focus in marriage, you will take the unity of your marriage a little bit more seriously.

Genesis 11:6

The Lord said, “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.

Matthew 18:19

Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.

Ecclesiastes 4:19

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:

Above are passages to show the very important fiber of your marriage. The very important reason among many other reasons why God instituted marriage and that import fiber, is the power of agreement. The power of unity. Unity in marriage breaks the barrier of impossibility. And no matter how successful you think you are alone, you can get better than that when there is unity of purpose and goal with your spouse and when you run that race with the one whom the Lord has designated to your life as your destiny helper.

People would always pray for destiny helpers to come their way, interestingly for those who are married the destiny helper is that one person they are married to. They have the answer to their prayers, yet they do not know it. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord”, and then Proverbs 19:14 says, “Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.” If God does not lie and the Bible is true, then the one to help your destiny the most is the one you call husband or wife.

Now let’s analyze this together; Amos 3:3 says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” And then we read in Matthew 18:19 that if two agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for them by God in heaven (His Father and our Father). That tells me that the issue of agreement in marriage must be intentional and deliberate. The agreement won’t just happen, those involved would have to intentionally make it happen. This is because there is a goal to be achieved, success needs to be the focus of the union.

Unity in marriage just does not appear, we work for it. We get intentional about it, we make it happen. And this we do because we know that we are each other’s destiny helpers. The agreement of the husband and the wife brings about all-around success, not just in the marriage, but in every area of their lives including their financial lives. Because when they agree together speaking as one people, nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them to do. God said it, it is true, there is no doubt about it. I have tried this in my marriage and I have found it to be very true.

In the very early days of my marriage, like two months into the marriage, my husband and I draw up a list of what we wanted to have as a couple. Furnishings for our house, electronic gadgets and all. We wrote them down somewhere and hoped to thick off as we accomplish each one. About twelve years into the marriage I stumbled on that list as I was cleaning the house. We had moved houses twice in between the time the list was written and the time I eventually saw it and someway somehow, the list was moving everywhere with us and we didn’t even realize it. So I showed my husband the list in excitement when I saw it, we had accomplished all that was on the list and even grown beyond it. I was so thanking God for his faithfulness to us. But my husband wasn’t as excited as I was. In fact, he was not excited at all and I wondered why. He told me yes, we accomplished all, but did I consider the time factor? It took way longer than we anticipated. That dampened my spirit and got me thinking. But the answer was not farfetched. The Holy Spirit was quick to remind me that the years of our disagreement, those years we were married but living like separate individuals didn’t count at all. We delayed our breakthrough, it had nothing to do with God, but everything to do with us. If we agreed to make a request and then disagreed afterward before receiving our answer, who will God give the answer to? So He waits till we agree again and then He blesses us because our request was made in agreement and answer will be received in agreement.

There is so much more to discuss on this topic and so throughout this week, we will focus on the importance of unity in marriage. So until tomorrow, stay blessed. 

A Story to Learn From

Hello great people doing great things, I believe that we are all doing great to the glory of God. So, in today’s blog post, I will share a story that I believe we can all learn from. And it’s all about been wise and protective of your marriage.

A lady in her thirties got married to a young man she loved. Her husband was not rich, and he didn’t have a regular paying job. He was a disc junky (those they refer to as DJ). I don’t know about his educational background and I can’t tell anything about the possibility of him getting a regular paying job or what we call the white-collar job. But nonetheless, he was earning a little here and there from what he does.

Before the lady got married, the mother had complained about the financial status of her prospective husband and in fact, objected to their union on the grounds that she preserved the man her daughter was intending to marry was not buoyant enough to take care of her child.

But love prevailed, and the daughter and her fiancé won the fierce battle of emotions and words between her and her mother. Towards the end of last year, the lady got married to the man of her heart, for poorer and richer, in health and sickness, for better and for worse. But before I go further, I need to say that this young lady was brought up with little or no training in home management. She graduated from a good university but only had primary education in kitchen matters and home caring matters. So, I will say that she was not completely trained for the marriage she was gunning for. She was already in her early thirties but was still a baby in the kitchen and home caring stuff.

So that we have a balanced view of the story, I need to also say that the husband helped the wife secure a teaching job in a reputable school as she was unable to get a job years after graduation.

So, they got married and reality set in, the flaws of lack of home management skill began to raise its ugly head, and the lack of finance on the husband’s part was becoming an issue for the wife. They began to quarrel over no-money issues and you can't cook or clean the house complains.

Whenever there was a misunderstanding between them, the wife would run back to her mother’s house to report her husband to her mum, and the mother would give her the things she needed. She would stay back with her mother until her husband comes to beg. And these went on a couple of times. In the midst of these, the wife was pregnant.

At some point, she fell ill from pregnancy complications (which had absolutely nothing to do with her marriage) and went to stay with her mother for proper care. She had her baby premature and was operated on to birth the baby. The tiny baby was put in the incubator and all hands were on deck for the safe recovery of baby and mother. Mother, husband, sister, and brother all helped to ensure that everything went well. To the glory of God, the recovery was smooth. And the wife had to stay a little longer with her mother for proper monitoring and care of her and the baby as the mother could not follow her to her husband's house to assist because of the nature of the mother's job.

In total, the wife stayed six months with her mother in her house and then fight began. When the baby was strong enough and the wife was well enough to resume as a wife to her husband, the mother refused to let her go. She said the husband maltreated her in the first two months of their marriage and was not providing money for her upkeep, so she was calling off the marriage.

The lady was devasted, she would cry and beg her mother that she wanted to go back to her husband but the mother said No. Days ran into weeks and then into months and still, the mother refused to let her go. The husband came around to beg his mother-in-law, but she walked him out of her house. And then the husband got angry and told his wife she can remain with her mother and keep the child as he was tired of always going to beg all the time. He also told the wife that he would stop sending money to her if she remains in her mother’s house.

It was at this point that the wife ran to me for help. You would have thought that why was it difficult for the wife to pack her things to return to her home whether or not her mother approved of it or not, at least she is officially and legally married. Well, I thought so too, but because I know the mother well enough as a very tough and strong-willed woman, I understood the fear that was walking through the lady. I advised her to pray and commit the situation into God’s hands and I left it at that. But that wasn’t going to do.

On another occasion she came to see me in tears, she had had a quarrel with her mum and I could tell her continued stay in her mother’s house was frustrating her badly. I then went to see the mum in order to beg her to release her daughter to go back to her husband's house. And the mother told me all the stories of how her daughter’s husband had been unfair to her daughter and that he was not financially capable to taking care of her daughter let alone an addition of a baby in their home. The mother had threatened the lady with a curse if she returned to the husband's house without her consent.

I thought through all that the mother had told me and called the lady for a deep heart-to-heart talk. I asked the lady if truly the husband had been unfair to her and does not provide money for her upkeep and she told me her husband provides for her. At least he gives her a thousand to two thousand Naira daily depending on how buoyant he was at the time. And so, it was wrong for her mother to say that her husband was not providing for her.  

Now, in the course of our talk, I realized that all the times the wife would have a quarrel with her husband and run to her mother to report were what the mother had gathered as an excuse to stop and break the marriage of her daughter. If the wife had not exposed her husband's inadequacies to her mother, the mother would have no ground to say that her daughter was not taken care of. The interesting thing is that the wife shot herself on the foot. She had her flaws and her husband understood and loved her all the same. But she could not help cover her husband up when he needed her to do so.

After so much begging and pleading, the mother finally lets her daughter return to her matrimonial home but not without the lady learning in a very hard way to keep her marriage issues within the marriage. Now she knows that her husband’s flaws are not a matter for her mother to handle but for God to handle.

So many marriages have been broken solely because of external influence. We always make mistakes of thinking that when we have problems with our marriages our siblings, parents, and relatives are the people we should open up to. That is a very big error because 90% of them will not be objective in dealing with the situation, they will only tell you what you want to hear and join you in going to war against your husband thereby destroying the situation rather than mending it.

If you have a problem in your marriage the first thing you should ever think of doing is to pray and ask for the leading of the Holy Spirit on how to handle the situation to a successful end. We are all God’s children and so you can be sure God will be objective enough to help you heal your marriage in a manner that everyone wins, and no one loses. And if you must open up and seek help which can be necessary in most cases, then seek help from someone you are sure will be able to help you. Seek help from someone who has been through what you are going through and has a testimony to tell. Look for a role model marriage and seek help there. Get experience from those who have the experience that will help you succeed.

I hope we have learned a thing or two from this story. To the glory of God, this lady got her marriage back, for some they never did. I am not encouraging that you be quiet when you should be seeking help, but it’s important to seek help from the right source. In most cases, your relatives are not the right source for objective marriage counseling. 

Who do you let into your marriage? Those who you think should be your closest confidant when it comes to the issue of your marriage might be the ones to help you tear it apart. Learn from this young newly married lady who confided in her mother and it backfired so badly. 

Why Did You Marry

There is one question every married person needs to consciously ask him/herself at some point in the lifetime of his/her marriage. The best thing is to ask this question at the onset of the marriage, or even before the marriage begins. And that question is “Why Did I Marry?” This question gives you a mission in that marriage. It defines the purpose and goal of that union and then you can score yourself based on the goals you have identified as the purpose for going into the union.

In life, you don’t engage in activities without a reason. You go to school to learn for a reason, you eat for a reason, you work for a reason, you smile for a reason and in the same manner, you marry for a reason. There are a million and one reasons why people decide to get married to each other, but one of the common reasons why people decide to marry is TRADITION. It’s either everybody around you seem to be getting married and you feel left out, or that there is pressure from the family; either parents or guardians and you just decide to marry to get them off your back. In some cases, there is even the forced marriage between the children of two families just to cement family ties. Some even marry for political reasons. So, lastly and the most common are those who marry for love.

For many people, love has been the underlying reason why they went into marriage. It’s a situation of loving someone so much you want to own the one you love permanently. You don’t want to imagine having to share that which you love with someone else and so they go into marriage with a possession mentality. The desire to possess that which they love is the reason why they went into marriage. Then when there is a change in the composition of that which they love, they stop loving and then want to let go. They become tired of possessing what they have stopped loving and want to do away with him/her. And that is why we have the so many cases of divorce that we see today.

And if we must get this marriage thing right then we must get the reason for the marriage right and then set the right goals for the marriage. It doesn’t matter at what level your marriage is, the important is that you understand the reason you are in the union, the goal of the union, the things you need to put in the union and the expected returns from the union. And so, we will do a little of search in today’s post to get our marriages in proper perspective.

Genesis 2:18, 20-22

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

Now, the very first purpose of God in instituting marriage is that the wife should be a suitable helper to her husband. In making that happen God didn’t just form a woman as a separate entity from the man, He made her from the extracted bone he took from the man and so the suitable helper that God formed for the man was taken from the man.

This initial purpose of God for marriage should also be our first purpose for marriage. That a man would seek a helper and find one in his wife, and that a wife should enter into marriage with the first purpose of being a suitable helper to her husband.

The goal of any marriage should be that the two couples make up their minds to help each other excel exceedingly and have a fulfilled life against all odds and despite all challenges. Ecclesiastes 4:9 says “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work,” even common knowledge teaches that productivity is increased with division of labor. This same principle works well with marriage. When the husband and wife work together for and with each other positive things happen.

Whatever reason you had before now that made you marry your spouse, if it’s not in line with the purpose of God for your marriage, then it’s important you start to realign that purpose or reason to be in line with the purpose and will of God for your marriage. God placed you in that marriage to be His instrument in improving the life of the person you are married to. A wife is a suitable helper in the life of her husband. What helpers do is to improve the situation at hand. Helpers make things better than they met it. That is what God has called the wife to do in the life of her husband. That should be your purpose and goal in that marriage. If it was not so before now, then it should start to be so from now.

Somethings this may be hard if the marriage has not met your expectations, but there is a kind of fulfillment that one gets when you know that you made a positive impact in a situation and because of you the situation has improved. Your spouse is that situation, you are the positive situation changer and God is the power behind what you do. 

You don't go into business with the intent to fail, but rather to make income and make a beautiful living. The odds might not be favorable and in fact, they are not always favorable but when you beat the odds and triumph people will start to come to seek you for advice on how you managed to succeed. In the same way, you need to get determined concerning the success of your marriage. Everything will not be presented to you favorably but you need to work at it with a success mentality.

And the husband is called to love his wife as himself. When you appreciate the helper in your life, you make room in her to be readily available to help you all the time. A man who works for the good of his helper helps himself in the long run. When you make effort to pour your best into the life of your wife and improve her, she becomes an improved helper in your life. It's always a win-win situation at the end of the day.   

If you didn’t know why you got into that marriage until today, then it’s important that you understand that you are called into that marriage to make the life of your spouse better than you met it. That is why the wife is called a suitable helper to her husband and the man is mandated to love his wife as himself. No man would live and not want to improve himself, and so if you work continually to improve yourself and then you are called to love your wife as yourself, then you are called to improve your wife just in the way you wish to improve yourself.

If then you understand this as the purpose of marriage and you then embrace it as your purpose for marriage above the love you thought was the reason for your marriage, above the traditional norm that you thought was the reason for your marriage, above the family pressure that initially put you in that marriage, then you begin to have a renewed goal for your marriage that leads to a glorious end. With this as your purpose for marriage, you then start to have a renewed determination to make your marriage work and make the best of it. In no time at all your will start to enjoy a beautiful marriage that is the envy of all.