Why do couples fight? Let’s deal with it.

One of the most common causes of divorce in marriage is tagged as irreconcilable differences. The first thing I would love to unpack in that phrase is the word “differences.” When you term something as different, that means they are not the same. The beautiful thing about marriage is that two different people in appearance, thoughts, and physical composition come together to complement each other and form a single entity.

The fact that there is a difference is the beauty of coming together in marriage. Where the strength of one fails, it may be where the power of the other resides. Each partner is to fill in for the weakness of the other. So, the problem is not the difference portion of that phrase, but the irreconcilable portion of it.

Marriage is the coming together and alignment of two different people, two different viewpoints, two different characteristics to make up a whole, without one viewpoint in competition with the other or overriding the other. The problem is not in the difference, but in the misalignment.

So, the problem when there are disputes in marriages is that there is a point where there is no alignment of two different points of view, two different traditions, norms, and beliefs.  Amos 3:3 asks an important question, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?”

I always love to liken marriage to the call of God on Abraham. Marriage is a journey to the unknown, just like the call of God on Abraham. It is a call to separation where a man would leave his father and mother, just like Abraham was called to leave his father’s household, on a journey to the unknown, and his only companion on this journey was his wife. But can two walk together except they are agreed?

The cause of disputes in marriage is not an irreconcilable difference, as it is commonly termed; it is a lack of agreement, because there is no difference that cannot be reconciled if the willpower to do so exists. Lack of agreement originates from pride and tradition. When you build your marriage on the foundation of tradition, that foundation is not just shaky but also drowning.

The first question I would love to ask is, “What is the root of the tradition on which you have founded your marriage?” Is that foundation not based on human frailty and limitations? Is it not based on human ideas with boundaries and limits? There is a need to understand and know that anything that does not originate from God is not perfect, with a certain probability of eventual collapse.

Human traditions that are not rooted in the word of God are not perfect, and building on a foundation that is not perfect tells of one truth: it only needs the test of time and adversity for it to crumble and fall. So, when your marriage is built on tradition coming from two imperfect sources, they become irreconcilable differences that is destined to fail and fall.

The differences that are irreconcilable are not God ordained differences designed to complement each other in a godly marriage. But these are differences in two faulty foundations that are never perfect from the beginning and will not agree or align in the long run because their sources aren’t God.

One other vice that originates from tradition is pride. That is when you allow the norms that you’ve known and the tradition you are accustomed to, to blind you in a sense that it is too big for the service that is required to build a successful marriage, when you have loaded yourself with pride and have become too bloated to render the service required for marriage to thrive and be successful.

From Ephesians 5:22-end, there are two simple instructions that are required for a successful marriage. These instructions are LOVE and SUBMISSION; every other ingredient for a successful marriage builds on these two codes of conduct.

The husband is to love his wife unconditionally in the pattern in which Christ loves the church, and gave himself up for her. And the wife is supposed to submit to her husband just as she would submit to God. Any deviation from these codes of conduct is what degenerates into irreconcilable differences.

I call these codes of conduct in marriage simple because the only things that prevent us from obeying them are pride, tradition, and unforgiveness. When you think so highly of yourself and consider your partner as not good enough for you to render the service of love and submission to, or when your tradition has taught you that men are always so bad that submitting to them is slavery, and as a powerful woman, you are on the same hierarchy as your husband so there should be nothing like submission in the picture, then you are deviating from the codes of conduct in marriage.

Continually reliving the past hurt done to you by your spouse, which you have yet to forgive them for, or probably you believe you have forgiven but just cannot let go, are some of the issues that will lead to more quarrels and eventually irreconcilable differences.

Comparing your marriage with other marriages is also a red flag that stems from a lack of contentment and can also be a source of problems in your marriage. Every individual was created by God uniquely. No matter how similar two scenarios may be, they will still be unique to those involved in the situation. So, never compare your marriage with any other marriage.

This explains why Jesus teaches in Matthew 19:8 that Moses permitted divorce because of the hardness of our hearts. The issues we have discussed so far, that is, unhealthy tradition, unforgiveness, and pride, are all vices that result in hardness of heart. Taking away these three vices, and what we will get with the help of the Holy Spirit is a beautiful marriage.

The codes of conduct in marriage are simple, but the grace to follow these simple codes requires the enormous help of the Holy Spirit. The wisdom to unlearn the faulty and unhealthy traditional values that have been part of our lives, and the ability to receive grace to allow God to lead us in abiding by His rules of engagement in marriage, is worth praying for.

Marriage is beautiful. Living by God’s instructions for marriage is a guaranteed recipe for its success. To build a marriage that will last the test of time, each couple must be ready to dismantle and unlearn every faulty tradition that stands to attack their marriage, do away with pride, and be willing to get vulnerable with each other without fear of being judged. They need to trust God recklessly to lead the way as they walk in agreement with each other on the journey of marriage, which is a journey to divine fulfilment and prosperity.

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