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Thursday, 3 September 2020

The Advice You Need to Hear

In those days when I was having my issues in marriage, I had a close relative of my husband that I felt comfortable confiding in. I told her about my problems and sought her advice on my marital issues. She was my husband’s relative and I had assumed that getting advice from her and implementing same should help resolve my woes in marriage. Interestingly, she told me all the things I wanted to hear. She told me how foolish I was to have tolerated so much nonsense from my husband. She spoke to me so convincingly that I was so sure I had been a fool for too long and needed to free myself from the slavery called marriage. She told me she could not tolerate half the things I was tolerating from my husband. She said she was the breadwinner of her family and she had made it clear to her husband that she can’t be the one making the money for the family and at the same time be doing the house chores. So, since the husband could not provide money for the family, he should make himself useful by managing the home.
As it were, the husband happens to be a homely man, he was very interested in the development of his children, to the point of helping them with their homework, giving them their medications when they were sick and even helping to fold in the clothes once they are dried, so it was easy to believe all the tales that my husband’s relative who happens to be my confidant and adviser told me.
As stupid as I was, whenever I visited this counselor of mine and she feeds me with all the trash that killed my marriage rather than build it, I will go back home to pick quarrels with my husband in the bid to liberate myself from the slavery of marriage. What I had learned was that I needed to claim my freedom and equality as it won’t be given to me if I didn’t demand it.
Then one faithful evening, I visited my counselor, she was just returning from work and was in the kitchen making dinner for her family. The husband who had also just returned from work was relaxing in their bedroom. I joined my counselor in the kitchen as I watched on while she cooked. She was teaching me an easy way of making pounded yam. A thing I knew before but just feigned ignorance so as not to injure her ego. When she was done with the cooking, she called out to her husband to know whether to serve him his dinner on the dining table or if he would rather want her to take his food to him in the bedroom where he was resting.
At this I was shocked, this was a very big contradiction to all the bragging she had made to me. Rather than the husband cooking and serving her food as she claimed, she was the one serving him food. So, she was doing things to preserve her marriage and was teaching me to destroy mine. The first awakening I got after that visit was that she didn’t come to me to advise me, I went to her, and after seeing that big difference between what she advised me to do and what she was practicing in her home, I realized how stupid I had been. And I made up my mind to stop going there of advice.
I am not the only one with this kind of experience, but I don’t know how many are wise enough to realize their mistakes before it's too late. Some wives have fallen prey to terrible marital advice from people who are even close to them. It's not strange to find mothers supporting their daughters to kill their marriages in the wake of troubles in the marriage. This advice coming from someone so close cannot be ignored or overlooked yet it’s the very wrong advice to get.
When seeking and accepting advice on your marital issues and any other issue you might have, you need to be careful. It's not as good for people to advise you based on what you want to hear as much as it is perfect for people to tell you what you need to hear. The truth they say is very bitter, but in the long run, it leads to a glorious end. No matter how emotionally drained you may be, it is important that you seek advice and be ready and objective enough to hear and accept what you need to hear far above what you want to hear. And whatever advice you are given by whoever it may be that is in direct contrast from the truth of the Bible or does not sound morally right, then you can be sure you are being told what you want to hear far and above what you need to hear. What you need to hear might not be sweet to the ears but it’s the painful truth that leads to a glorious end.
Getting advice on marriage issues from your parents or immediate family members sometimes (there are exceptions to this though) does not help in getting the issues resolved, most especially in extreme cases of maybe abuse in marriage or serious disagreements between spouses. This is so because emotions are brought to play. Your mother loves you dearly and would not want to see you hurt or broken in any way, so her objectivity in the matter is eroded by the emotions she feels. When emotions are attached to advise it diminishes the level of objectivity and bitter truth that should come from such advice. Again, I will insist that you cross-check all advice given to you as a means to help you surmount your marital challenge against the truth of the Bible. If there is a contradiction, don’t try to rationalize God, rather obey the word of God blindly. Doing that, you can never go wrong.
I will say this, when you seek advice from anyone concerning your marriage and other personal issues, be alert enough to check the life of the one giving you the advice. What they are asking you to do, are they doing the same themselves? And if they are doing the same themselves, in what way has it benefited them? Are you seeing the results of their advice in their own lives such that you think it's worthy to copy the same and apply in your own life?
After that one encounter, I did a detour and decided I would rather pray and read my Bible than to seek advice from anyone over my challenges. I thank God I had the time and space to do that at that time, today I am happy I made the right choice. You should too. 



Thursday, 20 August 2020

Things Happen When We Pray

I intend to make this post a short read as I just would love to share an experience I had a couple of weeks ago with you but I write as I am inspired by God, and so it might just extend a little if the Lord wants it so.
On Father’s Day of this year, I woke up in the morning and realized my husband was already out of bed. I walked to the sitting room to look for him and found him there. I attempted to give him a hug and greet him good morning and he playfully pushed me away saying I didn’t wish him happy Father’s Day and that the children also didn’t greet him happy Father’s Day even though the children were still in bed.
In all honesty I didn’t realize it was Father’s Day until he made the accusation. I felt really bad and tried to make amends but I wasn't making any headway. I wondered how I didn’t remember that it was Father’s Day and what I could do immediately to make up for the mistake. I scrambled my head to think of what I could do to make the morning a special one. If my husband had complained then it meant Father’s Day meant something to him and he wants it acknowledged.
I went into my closet to think hard but nothing came to mind. I couldn’t afford to buy him a gift because I was broke. But then I did what I normally would do in crisis mode and in fact all the time in my life. I quickly prayed. I ran to God for ideas on what I could do in the light that I couldn’t get a befitting gift and the need to redeem the situation and make my husband feel special so he doesn’t carry on the thought that we take him for granted in his home.
Guess what the Lord told me to do? He told me to write a special message with my husband’s pictures and put it on my WhatsApp status. In my wildest dream, I couldn’t have imagined doing that. I am too busy for social media, and I only see it as a tool for showcasing my business and most importantly reaching people with "The Marriage Blog Today".
Well I was quick to run to do what God had put in my mind and I wrote a heartfelt message for my husband put it as my WhatsApp status and put so many pictures of him on my status and even got our children to do the same. I made them pen a message as they felt it in their heart to their father and put on their WhatsApp status too for that day until WhatsApp itself disabled the status update.
Did this work? O yes, it did. My husband saw all our messages and that made him feel like a worthy father. And then I began to think, what if I didn’t pray. How on earth could I think that putting up a message for my husband on my WhatsApp status would actually improve my husband’s state of mind on Father’s Day? Every time I think of this, I can’t help but wonder about the awesomeness of God. He brings big things out of very little things. God helped me solve what could have turned out to be a big issue in my marriage using absolutely nothing. And please don't wonder too long on why I am saying a big issue. You just can't imagine the level of damage the devil is capable of doing with this simple issue if not handled properly. I didn’t have to spend the money that I didn’t have and yet I got the desired results.
I write this to encourage someone today, there is absolutely nothing too irrelevant to pray about. The tiny issues of our marriages which we ordinarily would look down on are the things the devil would try to hold onto to destabilize our homes and try to fulfill his evil agenda in our marriages. A little prayer at the right time is all that is needed. From the very big issues of your life to the very tiny ones, trust God with them. Don’t bother to try to figure it out yourself, just practice the act of hearing from God as you pray, He has the ideas to resolve those issues far more than you can imagine. God does the work and you get the accolades when you learn to pray and trust Him. 



The book "God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage" is a life-changing book authored by me in partnership with the Holy-Spirit. This book changed my marital life for the best. Though I wrote the book, in truth, I learned from it more. To share the goodies of this book with me you can buy a copy of the eBook for as little as N1600. To learn more about the book and how you can download the eBook, please click on this link



Wednesday, 5 August 2020

Give Her Wings and Let Her Fly

I facilitated a marriage seminar sometime back, and I was to speak alongside another male speaker so we could have a holistic view and presentation about marriage to our audience. It was at that seminar that I had a better understanding of the social anatomy of a man. From what the male speaker taught us, men are wired to be driven by achievements, and the narrative tagged “You have to be a man” erodes the emotional side of a man which is growing to become a great dysfunction in the male gender. This was what I learned from the seminar, and my big takeaway from that program and giving it a deep thought, it is looking to be more true than false.
If this is true, then the husbands who are driven by achievements, and have been well baptized into the “You have to be a man” narrative sees competition in everything including their relationships with their wives. So, for such men they will do everything to be a man in the home which includes submerging their wives under them. "They must achieve far more than their wives" will be their driving force and any sign of their wives achieving anything they perceive to be beyond their own achievement or at par with their own achievements will be resisted by them and even though they do not say it out, they think about it and attempt to distort such growth.
Some men who lack maturity have given reasons such as their wives becoming non-submissive to them when she becomes successful in life as a reason for preventing her from becoming successful in the first instance. But why die before death comes? Why not let her become successful first before making a judgment?
I agree that some women get uncontrollable in their marriages once they become successful but that is an issue that God can adequately take care of when you hand over the situation to Him. He is the giver of success anyway so what is beyond Him. He disciplines and chastises as He deems fit, He is God. As a husband, do you pray? And do you trust God to answer when you pray? Have you developed your listening ear to hear from God? If your answer to all these questions is Yes, then give your wives wings and let them fly and go the extra mile by being the wind beneath their wings.

Your wife’s success is your back up plan. It is your fall back option when things go wrong because she is God’s assigned helper for your life. In Genesis 2:18-30, we see that God created your wife for you as your suitable helper. Proverbs 18:22 shows us that “he who finds a wife finds what is good and obtains favor from God” and so your wife is the container carry God’s favor for your life. When the container of your favor is full, you are an all-round blessed man. Do not destroy your support base just because you lack understanding. Do not imbibe a destructive mentality and inhibit the growth of your support base because you think your base will be bigger than you. No matter how big your base is, it will forever remain your support base.

 




Here is an eBook authored by me titled "God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage". It's a wonderful guide to glorious marriage. You can get a copy of the book from my online bookshop by clicking on this link https://wp.me/P9Dn6p-1I0

Friday, 24 July 2020

The Silent Treatment Theory



I learned a big lesson from the book of proverbs on what I want to call the silent treatment. Unlike what we are accustomed to on the need to express ourselves and how we feel, what I learned from Proverbs 17:28 and Proverbs 18:2 speaks more on the gains of keeping silent rather than expressing one’s self most especially when the timing is wrong. The inability to keep silent at the right time has led to a lot of abuse in marriages and even deaths in marriages.
Surprisingly, Proverbs 18:6 (NIV) says the mouth of a fool invites beatings, and the NKJV version of Proverbs 18:6 says the mouth of a fool calls for blows. I am sure a lot of people don’t know that this scripture exists in the Bible but the truth is that it does. So, you need to then ask yourself, what is your mouth inviting? We then read in Proverbs 17:28 that even a fool is thought to be wise when he keeps silent and discerning when he holds his tongue. So contrary to the perception that you must express yourself, keeping silent might actually do more good than speaking out at the wrong time.
In the face of arguments with your spouse would you rather air your views, express yourself, or hold your peace. Is the need to be right greater for you than the need to have a happy and loving marriage? Are you aware that your silence speaks more than your voice? I learned all of these in the midst of turbulence in my marriage and it solved for me more problems than I could ever imagine. And truth be told no-one can quote silence, yet it speaks greater than words.
A lot of women, including men though, find it hard to be silent when they have issues burning in their hearts. I am included in that category and we are all learning together. But I have learned to overlook a lot of things in my marriage for the singular reason of maintaining the peace of my home and because I hold my marriage in greater esteem than the will to be right. I have learned to pray hard before I speak if I have to speak at all. So, if those burning issues come, that I am struggling to overlook, I pray first and when I have prayed and still feel the urge to speak, I then ask God to speak through me and give me words to say. Proverbs 16:24 teaches us that pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Your words count for something in your marriage. They can either heal it or tear it down. When you are angry, pause, and pray.
You will agree with me that it is quite difficult to not express oneself most especially when angry or hurt. I was in that position too, a long time ago, but I began to practice this silent treatment theory until it became me. Now I keep silent effortlessly and overlook issues easily now more than before because I have done it for many years.
It is also true that the grace of God played a big role for me and some people are of the opinion that some people have more grace to cope than others. The truth is that the grace of God is like a river that flows unending. When you go to the river to fetch water, the quantity of water you draw from the river is determined by the size of the container you go to the river to draw water with. A person who goes with a 50cl container will not draw the same quantity of water as the person who goes with a 15ltrs container or a 50ltrs container. In the same vein, the capacity of God’s grace that you receive is determined by your brokenness and willingness to allow God to fill you up with His grace. As long as you keep feeling you can handle it yourself you shut yourself up to God’s help. So, when it appears that some receive more grace than you do, it's not really so. It is that some have given God more room to act in them and through them than you have.
In closing I will say that I have achieved far more with my silent treatment theory than I could ever imagine. I have earned my husband’s love and respect by holding my tongue and allowing God who can speak louder than I can ever speak, speak through my silence on my behalf. I have seen positive results and I can’t trade this for anything else.
Mind you, I still speak when I have too. But I get to pray before speaking and I allow God to guide my words. And yes, I still slip sometimes and speak out of anger, but that happens so very infrequently. So, you might not slip into the silent treatment mode so easily but keep practicing it, keep being broken, and willing to let God do the talking on your behalf and never stop praying.




Here is an eBook authored by me titled "God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage". It's a wonderful guide to glorious marriage. You can get a copy of the book from my online bookshop by clicking here


Monday, 13 July 2020

How to Solve the Problem

I was speaking with a friend one afternoon and she told me about another friend of hers (whom I do not know in person) that was having a serious marital issue. It appears the husband is having extra-marital affairs and she is totally broken by it (who won't be), and at a complete loss as to how to handle it. Though the husband is rich and gives her everything she needs and wants but he is not giving her the love and attention of a husband to his wife. She in turn nags a lot, monitors his movements, checks his phones but still, nothing has changed. Rather than the situation getting better, it’s getting worse and the husband can leave the home for days once they engage in their bout of quarrels which was getting a little too often. When I asked my friend to advise the woman to start to pray, she told me that the situation has degenerated to a point where the wife says she can’t find herself praying for her husband again.
The last statement of the previous paragraph is the main focus of my marriage blog today. Never allow your emotions to drive you to the point where you cannot seek the face of God for a change in your marital situation. I dare to say that there is nothing the lady above can do by herself that can bring her husband back home to her without the divine intervention of God. I say this with every sense of conviction because I know what it feels like to watch your marriage gradually slipping away from your grasp. It’s not your beauty, nor your ability to cook good meals, nor your expert knowledge in home-keeping or sex that can deliver you from such a situation such as this except the divine leading of the Holy Spirit on what to do to orchestrate the change you seek.
I have written in several of my blog posts that when you pray for God’s intervention in your marriage, He wouldn’t come and do magic on your husband, and then the next morning you wake up to see a brand new version of your husband lying in bed with you. That is not how God works. Rather when you pray, you learn to listen to God and He will teach you what to do and what steps to take that will bring about a change in your husband that you desire. The biggest part of the change starts with you and then your change brings about a change in your husband.
When I was trusting God and praying for His visitation in my marriage, He did visit and all I kept hearing from Him was to submit to my husband as unto the Lord. It felt awkward at that time as I had considered myself perfect in all my ways and that my husband was all the problem. But little did I know that even though I respected my husband so much, I didn’t obey him until the Lord showed me my fault and helped me make the necessary adjustment that resulted in the glorious change in my marital situation. From then to date I haven’t stopped going to God for every step I have to take, every direction I need to follow and I thank God that I am enjoying my marriage today.
The greatest undoing a wife can do to herself is to stop praying for her husband because what you want to get from him can only be gotten by divine wisdom that comes from God through prayers. Great ideas for a successful marriage comes from God, a wife who seeks a beautiful marriage must be a wife who seeks God first and get inspirations from God to run successfully her marital race.

Here is an eBook from me titled God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage. You can get a copy of it from my online book store by clicking this link https://thewordthatsuits.com/shop/gods-rules-of-engagement-in-marriage-ebook/


Tuesday, 7 July 2020

Pray the Changes You Want in Your Marriage into Existence

I had planned to give up on the marriage blog, first and foremost because of the time constraint that I was beginning to suffer from, and also because the pageviews for the marriage blog was beginning to dwindle and I just assumed that people are beginning to outgrow what is shared on the blog. But a purpose will always remain a purpose and because of the joy I feel knowing that lives and marriages are been impacted by what is shared on the blog even if it's just a few people still reading it, it's still worth my resolve that it’s not a wise decision to just give it up. I sincerely seek the grace of God to help me continue and remain consistent in this assignment amidst the so many important things needing attention in my life.
Quite a lot of issues have come to mind that requires discussing on the marriage blog regarding issues of marriage. I was speaking to a young friend of mine who is yet to marry and she told me that "Aunty, you need to understand that men of your generation are quite different from the men of our generation," and that the men of their generation are such that they are quite complacent with doing nothing while they allow their wives to carry the bulk of the marital load.
I am in my mid-forties, while she is in her early thirties and I cannot agree or disagree with her point of view, but that reminds me of a speaking engagement I was invited to sometime in 2018. It was supposed to be the married men anniversary of a church and they were having a couple’s session and I was invited to come to speak to the couples from a woman’s perspective (those in attendance at that meeting were not of the young generation, they were mostly in their 40s, 50s, and even 60s). During the question and answer part of the program, I was asked by a wife that what should a wife who was supposed to submit to her husband in everything do if the husband would not pick up the bills in the home and take up his rightful leadership position even in financial matters simply because he knows his wife is working and is capable of paying the bills in the house?
I answered the question at the meeting and would want to share the answer again in today’s blog. A man by God’s calling on his life is the head of the home and the leader in all things including being the leader in carrying the financial responsibility of the home. If a man is unable to fulfill this role of a leader in the home then such a man needs help, and because the wife is his suitable helper, she is the one assigned by God to help him up. But helping your husband in this regard does not mean taking up the responsibility that God has given him as your own and doing for him what he is supposed to be doing as the head of the home.
The help required from the wife primarily is to pray the glory of God down on her husband such that everything he lays his hands upon to do he will begin to prosper in it. That is the time to learn to encourage your husband with words that will make him understand that his situation is only temporary and with God all things are possible. Words have life in them and when you speak the right words into the life of your husband in prayers and encouragement then life comes into his situation and dry bones will come alive for him again.
Now imagine being the wife of the richest man on earth. Precisely whatever income you earn as a wife to a very wealthy man is totally insignificant to your husband because he has more than enough to bother about what you earn. So the secret to your ultimate peace of mind in marriage when it comes to financial matters is that as a wife you pray always and never stop praying that God will make your husband so wealthy that what you earn, big as it may seem to you, becomes totally insignificant to him. Remember the fervent prayer of the righteous avails much.
Far more than your income can solve in this matter, your prayers in truth and with love and sincerity can solve much more. So, get on your knees and begin to call the changes you want to see in your marriage into existence. God is still in the business of answering prayers.





Here is an eBook from me titled God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage. You can get a copy of it from my online book store by clicking here