How to Protect Your Marriage From Outside Influence

In the first few weeks of my marriage, I noticed that whenever my husband and I returned home from work, my husband would drop me off at home, change into more relaxed clothing, and go out again while I prepared dinner. Oftentimes, I would have to wait for him to return home before eating my dinner. Calling him to say dinner was ready was a battle in itself.

When I eventually had him come home, his excuse was always that he was playing the game of Ludo with the neighbors. I thought of what to do to make him stay home with me more, instead of always going out. So, I called my sister to help me get a Ludo game from my mom, from the leftovers of the many Ludo games shared at my wedding as souvenirs by one of our relatives.

The plan was that my sister would bring the Ludo game to work, and I could get it from her at work, because our offices were close to each other. My father heard about my plan and called me to give me advice on how to make my husband stay home more.

Why I Chose to Protect My Marriage From Outside Influence

On the surface, this would have been advice to listen to, but I was quick to decline his intervention in my marriage. And 22 years later, I am still of the mindset that the only source of counsel that I want for my marriage is the voice of God and not that of any man. This is not that I do not honor my father; I will take his advice for other things, but not for my marriage.

One thing that I knew was that my father would not give me unbiased advice. I am his daughter first, and he is inclined to want to protect me even against my husband. When we were courting, that would have been very okay because I was still under his leadership. But in marriage, the dynamics had changed.

Marriage Changes the Boundaries With Family

Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” And Matthew 19:4-5 says, “And He answered and said to them, ‘Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’”?

My truth is that I do not need protection from my husband because my husband and I are supposed to be one flesh. Before marriage, we were two individuals, and I could be protected from him. But when marriage sets in, we stop being two separate entities and become one flesh.

Genesis 2:23 says, "We have now become bone of bones and flesh of flesh with one another.” And this understanding has been part of the protection my marriage has enjoyed from external influence for more than 22 years of its existence.  

What Works in One Marriage May Not Work in Another

One of the reasons why I deliberately ward off external interference from my marriage is that humans are peculiar and unique. And so, every marriage is peculiar and unique. No two marriages are identical, so a solution that may work for you does not necessarily mean it will work for me.

The strategy that applies to you may not apply to me. The grace for implementation may differ. The temperament of our spouses differs; their foundation and upbringing differ; their viewpoint on issues differs. So, if I implement advice given to me by a third party and it fails, I am accountable for the outcome, and I bear the consequences afterward. The one who gave me the advice has nothing to lose.

Seek God First When Your Marriage Is in Trouble

So, when I need to solve a problem in my marriage, which is always the case every now and then, I go directly to God. I pray to the Lord over the issue. And God always shows up. He always solves my problems for me. He intervenes and gives me divine strategies that have never failed.  

The primary source of counsel for my marriage has been the Word of God. Every time I run to God for direction when the road seems rough, He speaks to me and confirms it with His word. As a human who feels hurt oftentimes and wants to take matters into my own hands, His word has been a timely caution for me.

So, like every person who is married, this journey is one I have never taken before, and there are bumps on the way. Disagreements happen; misunderstandings happen; my husband and I do not align all the time; and sometimes the love grows very cold.

I have realized that when you share your experience with other people, you find common ground in those shared experiences. But the honest truth is that the approach needed or applied in dealing with these issues will differ. It may be the one going through the experience or the spouse who is the architect of the experience that is different from one scenario to the other. So, strategies will differ.

God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — discover God’s principles for navigating marriage with wisdom, protecting your covenant, and building a relationship that can withstand the pressures around it.

When You Need Marriage Advice, Choose Your Counsel Carefully

That being said, I am not ruling out the need to seek advice when needed, even in your marriage. My own approach is not a general rule, and it is also subject to one’s level of maturity as a child of God and in the issues of life. So, sometimes you will need to seek advice; you will need to seek counsel when you are so confused and emotionally down that it becomes difficult to hear from God.

There are times you will be so emotionally heavy that all you want to do is pour your heart out to someone, and because your spouse is the person causing the heaviness in your heart, they become the most unlikely person you want to unburden to.

This is the point at which you are most vulnerable, and unburdening your heart to the wrong person will be wrong for you. It is very okay to seek counsel, but it is not okay to seek counsel from the wrong person. And this is where care is needed. The person you will trust with the challenges of your marriage, other than God, needs to be chosen with great care.

Your most trusted confidant when it comes to the delicate issues of your marriage does not have to be a family member or a pastor. It does not have to be your parents or your siblings. But in wisdom, you need to choose someone who is mature and experienced in what you may be going through and who loves you enough to tell you the honest truth, even when it hurts.

Not Everyone Who Loves You Can Give You Unbiased Advice

Some people think that confiding in their family members is the safest thing to do, even though your parents may be mature in experience. Sometimes, the people who love you most can love you away from the truth.

They do not qualify as unbiased counsel. So, in cases where you are in the wrong, you may lose the opportunity to hear it as it is. In some cases, they even live in denial that you could be the one in the wrong.

You also find some other categories of people who give you very wrong advice. They tell you to do what they would never do in their own homes and marriages. Some of this advice feels so on point that the anger and vulnerability at the time will prevent you from seeing the huge red flags in the advice.

Some People Will Give You Advice They Would Never Follow

I had one such experience within the first 7 years of my marriage. My husband had continuously done something that hurt me, and addressing it with him would always result in fights. I got to talk with one of his relatives one day and opened up to her about my pain. My thought was that she would be objective enough to counsel me.

Honestly, she told me all I wanted to hear and emboldened me to stand my ground and not take any rubbish from my husband. By the end of our conversation, I was charged up and poised to confront my husband and tell him enough was enough. And that was exactly what I went back home to do. I stood my ground, and the situation just grew worse.

Then, after a couple of months, I went back to visit this relative for a completely different reason, nothing to do with my marriage at all. What I found in her home showed me how stupid I had been. The person who had advised that I stand my ground a couple of months earlier was displaying a great deal of reverence for her own husband. More like worshipping the ground he walked on.

That was another wake-up call for me and a huge brain reset. That day was the last time I ever said anything regarding my experience in my marriage to that woman. When I sat down to rethink the whole situation, I realized she had no blame and would face no consequences for whatever happened in my marriage.

It was not her responsibility to guide and guard my marriage for me. Shielding my marriage from influences like hers was my assignment and no one else’s. The joy of my marriage is mine to enjoy, and the pain of my marriage is mine to fix.

A lot of people have advised others to get a divorce over situations that can easily be fixed, while they remain in their own marriages, enduring worse things. I am not speaking here about abuse, violence, or situations in which someone's safety is at risk. Those require appropriate help and intervention.

Guard Your Marriage and Protect Your Privacy

As I conclude this blog message, I encourage you who are reading this first to learn to hear from God. The best source of advice and strategy that you need to navigate the journey of marriage successfully comes from God. When hearing from God is difficult for you, find the strength to pray that God will direct His vessel in human form to you, who will be a mouthpiece for God in your life.

Be careful who you allow access into your space. Choose your friends wisely and prayerfully. Choose with care the information that you give away to those around you. There is no point in sharing your vulnerable information with those who do not possess the ability to solve your problems.

Make your story a need-to-know private matter. Both your wins are yours to celebrate, and your losses are yours to learn from and fix. If they don’t need to know, then they don’t have to know, and you should not be apologetic about private information. Your marriage is your private information. 

Today’s post is the ninth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

4 Biblical Principles of Marriage that Actually Work

When you apply Godly principles based on the truth of the Bible to any aspect of your life, there is only one possible outcome, and that is success. I say this because God is forever faithful to His promises. He makes all things beautiful in His set appropriate time, and with Him, all things are possible, and He is the master strategist.

Here is a question that is quick to come to mind when observing marriages today: Why do some marriages flourish while others slowly fall apart, even when both couples begin with good intentions? There is a lot of marriage advice flying everywhere in our world today.

You find women advised not to get too ambitious, so as not to scare their potential husbands away. Some say, in marriage, you need to speak and not die in silence. And men are advised against ambitious women who cannot be controlled in their marriage.  

Interestingly, this diverse and erroneous advice only shortchanges those who accept and apply it. Proverbs 19:21says, "There are many plans in a man's heart, nevertheless the Lord's counsel—that will stand." Some people would have missed out on a good spouse just because they took the wrong advice.  

Why God's Design for Marriage Always Works   

The two most critical Biblical marriage principles that are proven to work effectively in marriages are found in Ephesians 5:22-31. What you will find in this scripture is the instruction to the wives to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord, and for the husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church.

As simple as these principles may seem, they are proven to be the most disobeyed. Yet they are the basis of every truly successful marriage. A lack of understanding of these principles has led to their abuse, which has, in turn, led to the fallout in many marriages.

I discussed these principles in great length in my very first blog post of this series titled “What does the Bible actually say about marriage roles?” I cannot overemphasize the fact that submission in marriage is not suppression. A woman who feels she has to fight for her place in marriage did not understand her purpose in marriage to begin with, because marriage is not a union you go into to fight.

Principle One: Submission as an Act of Worship

A woman who submits to her husband in reverence to God, ensuring obedience to God through submission to her husband, already secures her place in that marriage. This is because when her obedience is complete, God will deal with every disobedience in her life (2 Corinthians 10:6). 

But more importantly, God did not instruct the wife to submit to her husband because she is inferior to her husband or that she is his subordinate. It's because submission gives the husband more room to love his wife like Christ loves the church. Jesus loves the church, and the church submits to Jesus. Yet we are all joint heirs with Christ Jesus (Romans 8:17).

So the first Biblical principle of marriage that is proven to work is submission on the part of the wife as unto the Lord. The second principle is also found in Ephesians 5:25-29. It is the principle of unconditional love from a husband to his wife in the manner in which Christ loves the church.

Principle Two: Love Without Conditions

What God demands of a man in principle number two is deeper than most men understand it to be. I say this because a lot of men attach conditions to the love they have and give to their wives, and that is far from the manner in which Christ loves the church.

Sadly, there are men who have entered into marriage solely because of what they perceive as benefits from the woman they are getting married to. Once the benefits expire, the love dies, and they are on to the next woman.

For them, marriage is not a commitment; it is a transaction. And once the proceeds are not adding up, the wife becomes an irritant, a burden, and they are only staying for fear of legal actions. But that is not what marriage is designed to be.

A man who cannot love his wife for better and for worse will do himself and the woman he is planning to tie down a lot of good by walking away before the vows are taken and the oath is sworn. A husband should be the physical display of God’s unconditional love for the woman he is marrying. He is on assignment for God to love that woman like God loves her and nothing less.

If these two principles are lived with a hundred percent commitment in any marriage, there is no doubt that such a marriage will be a resounding success. When a husband loves sacrificially, and a wife responds in reverence to God, something beautiful begins to emerge: unity. And that leads me to the third principle.

God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — a step-by-step guide to living out the four Biblical principles that actually make a marriage strong enough to last.

Principle Three: Build a Marriage Marked by Unity

Matthew 18:19 reads, “Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.” The third Biblical principle of marriage that works is the principle of unity in marriage. What other two can come together and agree that can be as effective as the coming together of a husband and his wife?

Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, “Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor.” Verses 10-12 elaborate on this and show us more about the benefits of why two are better than one. What unity in marriage guarantees is prosperity. When there is oneness of mind, purpose, and goals, the doors of breakthrough begin to open.

Genesis 11:6 reads, “And the Lord said, 'Indeed the people are one, and they all have one language, and this is what they begin to do; now nothing that they purpose to do will be withheld from them.” This scripture confirms to us that once there is a unity of mind, purpose, and goal, then nothing purposed by a united force of a husband and wife will be withheld from them. And if this united couple has God in the center of that union, it makes the possibility of achievement stronger.

But unity in marriage does not just come. It is cultivated; it is built with determination and resilience. Because in truth, there will be differences in opinions, views, values, and sometimes beliefs. But there should always be a point of letting go for the purpose of protecting the unity of the marriage.

Sacrifices of opinions and views will have to be made in order to protect the unity of the marriage. As a husband or wife, you don’t always have to be right. Instead, protect the unity of your marriage, which benefits more than the satisfaction of being right.

Amos 3:3 says, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” This scripture shows us the requisite ingredient to unity. And that is agreement. For one to walk together, which is an indication of unity, there must be an agreement.

That agreement may not be something that either partner is convinced of the decision of the other, but for unity to thrive, sacrifices of opinion have to be made. But what I will not forget to say is that all decisions need to be brought before the Lord. As we read earlier in Proverbs 19:21, only the counsel of the Lord stands.

Principle Four: Communicate with Wisdom and Grace

The last principle that I want to touch on before I conclude this blog is that of communication. I have often heard advice like “speak your truth and don't die in silence.” I totally agree that one of the major success factors in any marriage is effective communication, but I want to emphasize the word EFFECTIVE because not all communication is effective.

For a successful marriage, what you say, when you say it, and how you say it all matter a great deal. Proverbs 18:2 says, “A fool has no delight in understanding, but only in airing his opinions.” This scripture is so on point with what we need to understand about communication in marriage.

Sometimes, airing your opinion does not improve anything; it only makes it worse. Proverbs 18:6 says, “A fool’s lips enter into contention, and his mouth calls for blows.” While I do not and will never support violence in any marriage, I am tempted to say that a handful of violence in marriage originates from airing opinions when it is not okay to do so.

Effective communication in marriage cannot be overemphasized. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” The Bible doesn’t lie. When you say what you have to say in the manner described in Proverbs 16:24, it becomes effective communication.   

When you are angry, please don’t speak. Pray instead. God will lead you on what to say, how to say it, and when to say it, so that it will have maximum impact, without sparking further problems.

Living Out God's Principles Every Day

I hope this has been useful to you as you read it. These principles don’t just work because they came from the Bible; I have applied them to my life, I live by them, and I have benefited from them, and that is why I share them with you.

For any of the principles that feel hard to implement in your life, take them to God in prayer. The Holy Spirit will hold your hands and help you live them in your life. He did that for me, and I know He will do the same for you.

No marriage becomes strong overnight. Strong marriages are built one biblical decision at a time. Every act of obedience to God's Word lays another stone in a foundation that can withstand life's storms.

Today’s post is the eighth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

Why I Had to Teach What the Bible Says About Marriage

I also shared the thinking that marriage was a bondage, when all the butterflies I had in me before getting married all disappeared, and I was faced with the harsh reality that my expectations and my reality were miles apart. But I took some steps back and shifted my position, understanding that if this marriage was to work, I needed to do some work.

Why Marriage Became My Passion

Talking about marriage has been one of the most fulfilling aspects of my existence. In a world where negativity thrives and marriage vices shout so loudly, I find purpose in telling the other side of the story. If there are so many sad marriage stories, awful endings, and messy breakups that are going viral on our social media spaces, I think we also need to have some positive stories, too.

There is a need to give hope to the upcoming marriages. In reality, more marriages thrive in the midst of struggles, weather tough challenges, stay strong together in spite of the differences in opinions and ideas of those in the marriage, and even disagreements that cannot be denied, than the marriages that are failing. But the negative marriage stories are traveling farther and wider.

The Painful Reality I Couldn't Ignore

In my adult years, I have spoken to a lot of women regarding the topic of marriage, and their views of it have been very concerning. Quite a handful of women see their husbands as never-do-wells. I believe a lot of these originate from what they have experienced in their marriages and stories they have heard or passed down notions from parents’ experiences or even relatives' marriages that they have seen.

And this observation is not limited to just casual women, but this anomaly also comes from those who are of the faith: those who are pastors' wives, and even those who stand on the pulpit to preach. The situation is so bad that we now have people come forward, with a microphone in hand, and tell the world God told them to get a divorce.

But while we will not deny that there may be trouble in paradise, and the devil has greatly worked his way into the marriage institution, God also will not fold His hands and let the devil win over and destroy what He created and certified to be good. 

So, God is raising voices, and He is impressing it in the hearts of those who will yield to that call to rise and tell the story of the goodness of marriage. And one such voice is my humble self, driven with passion and purpose to tell the story of the resilience and beauty of marriage.

My Own Marriage Wasn't Always Beautiful

One truth that I am burdened to share is that just like those who shout about the horrors of marriage, I have had my own very good share of marriage struggles. In my self-effort, I have prayed hard to God for a divorce; I have, in fact, contemplated suicide. But I have also surrendered my troubles and challenges to God. I handed the reins to Him and let Him lead me while I painstakingly followed after His leading.

Were those experiences easy? Most definitely not. Were they challenging even to the bones? I can tell you for free that it’s a big YES. But looking at where I am today, and what I have been through and come out of, I know without a doubt that when God is allowed to lead, the story will always end in praise.

I have been married for over 22 years, and I am writing this in the year 2026. I have seen it all in marriage. I have experienced things that, when I share my story, those who hear it tell me they can’t stay in such a marriage. But here I am in that same marriage, with the same husband, and having the best time of my life. And only God made it happen.

Those close to me say I have a special grace, but I beg to differ. The grace of God is like an ocean of water. The container you fetch grace with from the ocean of grace determines the quantity of grace that you will take away.

God's grace is abundantly available to all, but how much we receive often depends on how much we trust Him. No one is given more grace than another when it comes to having faith to receive from God, because God is a just and fair God. But your volume of grace is directly proportional to your container of faith and trust in God.

God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — a step-by-step guide to fighting for your marriage instead of against your spouse, even when restoration feels impossible.

What God Taught Me About Restoration

At the time when there was nothing else to hold on to, I held onto God. I didn’t tell God what to do, or how to do it. I simply cried for help and let Him do what I couldn’t do for myself in a way that I could never have done and succeeded. God restored my marriage; I was just a willing partner in the whole process.

In Matthew 19:8, Jesus confirmed that Moses permitted divorce because the heart of men was wicked, but in the beginning, it was not so. So, the importance of willingness in the restoration of a challenged marriage cannot be overemphasized.

The problem is not whether God can restore a challenged marriage, but whether we are willing to set aside the hurt that we are feeling and not carry the weight of our troubles on ourselves, but let God truly heal and restore what the enemy has destroyed.

Why I Chose to Teach What the Bible Says About Marriage

Sometimes, I get to think and wonder if God would truly permit people to get a divorce, like people have been announcing to the world that He did in our present times. But God is a Father who does not force us to obey Him. If He expresses His will and you disagree, He lets you have your way. Unfortunately, you also carry the burden of that decision.

But what is most unfortunate in that is the fact that these people who still have God’s oil on their lives mislead others who assume that if it was okay for God to let them do that, then they can also do it and it wouldn’t be a sin.

So, here I am with a counter experience. That is why I am led to teach about marriages and let the world see the other side of the divide. The one that ends in happily ever after without bitterness and divorce.

God made this happen for me. And going through all that I went through, coming out of it with better love and attention from the same husband, in the same marriage, and having to share my story, I appreciate now why God put me through that season.

Without me experiencing it firsthand, I would say it can never happen. But it happened to me. I won the war on my marriage. God helped me dig out my husband’s love for me, and now we are two adult love birds.

There Is Hope for Your Marriage

My experience is not an isolated one. I believe there are more stories like mine out there than there are negative ones. But the truth is that the negative story gains more ground and is loudly amplified. But for those having marital troubles, you are not alone, and you can win without bitterness and divorce.

Your willingness to let God handle things and lead you to win should be your first call. And follow that with your willingness to let go of the hurt you feel. That may seem like the hard part, but when you understand that your fight is not against flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers and rulers of darkness in high places (Ephesians 6:12), you will know that your spouse is not the problem; they are just a vessel in the hands of the real enemy.

These are the truths that God helped me to see and understand, which enabled me to redirect my emotions and focus on my real fight. With God’s leading, I fought for my husband and fought for my marriage. These are the reasons why I teach about what the Bible says about marriage. I have enjoyed these truths, and I am led to share them.

That said, I also recognize that not every marriage ends in restoration. Some people have faced abuse, abandonment, or situations where separation became necessary for safety. This series is not written to condemn anyone. It is written to point readers toward God's design for marriage and the hope that He can bring where hearts remain willing.

Today’s post is the seventh of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage Biblically

The greatest singular deal breaker for marriages is CHEATING. Marriages fall apart for many reasons, but the greatest of them all is when one spouse becomes unfaithful to the other. I have spoken to a lot of people who say that once they find out that their spouse is cheating on them, they can no longer remain in such a marriage.

It is interesting to see in Matthew 19:9 that it is only sexual immorality that Jesus gave as an exemption for allowing for a divorce. We find it everywhere in the Bible, starting from Exodus 20:5 (in the 10 commandments), that God is a jealous God.

But it is worthy of note that God's jealousy is not rooted in insecurity but in His commitment to covenant faithfulness. If that is the case, then it is expected that we who are formed and fashioned in His image and likeness will be jealous beings. Not with an unholy jealousy, but one that expects faithfulness in a marriage union and commitment to the marriage vows that were exchanged.  

The Fear of Infidelity in Marriage

So, when people say that infidelity is a deal breaker for them in marriage, they are just expressing who they have been fashioned to be. It is human nature to be jealous. But not being jealous to the point that it leads to sin and pushes you to do terrible things.

In my last post, where I discussed the marriage covenant, and the content of the vows we take and the oath we swear to in marriage, one of the items in that oath is a pledge to be faithful in marriage. So, expecting faithfulness in marriage is not out of place. It is a promise that was made, a covenant that was entered into, and that promise is expected to be fulfilled.

Can You Truly Trust Your Spouse?

But here is another twist to it that makes it a little interesting. When you enter into a marriage covenant, you expect faithfulness, and so you invest trust in your spouse based on the faithfulness that you are hoping for. But now Jeremiah 17:5 says, “Thus says the Lord: Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart departs from the Lord.”

Some people may want to say that this scripture does not apply to the marriage situation, while others may start to get confused as to how to run the marriage without trust if the Lord says cursed is anyone who trusts man. How do you be with a spouse that you are not expected to trust?

This is where we begin to tackle the topic of discussion for this blog post. How to affair-proof one's marriage based on the truth of the Bible. I want to start this by saying, trying to monitor your spouse and playing the detective to affair-proof your marriage never works. It only leads to heartache at the end of the day.

Coming from a one-time marriage detective, I can tell you truthfully that you will get your mind and heart messed up trying to monitor who your spouse interacts with when it comes to the opposite gender. The more you look, the more you see what will break your heart. But please note that I am not saying that you should overlook a cheating spouse, but there are better and more reassuring ways of handling this, and that is what I will be sharing in this blog.

How Affairs Often Begin

When God says cursed is the man who puts his trust in man, He sure knows why He made such a statement. Oftentimes, infidelity in marriage doesn’t always happen out of malice, greed, or lack of love. What starts as an innocent communication or help being rendered to a friend may quickly snowball into an affair without those involved noticing early enough to press the brakes.

Before you blink an eye, what started as a simple friendship grows into an emotional attachment, and gradually, an affair is born. In fact, those involved will argue that they are just close friends and nothing more, because physical touch has not entered into the conversation. Until temptation presents itself and a boundary that should never have been crossed is crossed.

In some cases, these two who have erred may feel the guilt and hit the brakes at that point. In some other cases, the emotional attachment may have run so deep that ending it at one mistake becomes a call too hard to make, and they continue the secret affair and remain a loving yet deceitful spouse in their respective marriage as long as they don’t get caught.

So, in reality, not all cheating spouses set out to hurt their partners in marriage; not all of them cheat out of lust and greed. But the truth still remains that they have broken their marriage covenant of faithfulness, they have sinned, they have broken the trust invested in them, and they have hurt the one who loves them dearly.

For some, this sin is grave and unforgivable, and for others, they extend grace and forgiveness and allow the union to continue with the assignment of making the offending spouse earn the trust that they were freely given at the onset of the marriage.

But how can you affair-proof your marriage when all that you can control is you and not your spouse? The greatest self-deceit that anyone can have is to think they can control their spouse without the spouse freely and willingly yielding that control. To answer this, I will share a true-life story that best illustrates my take on this.

If this post is speaking to you, God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage will walk you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong — even against infidelity.

A Story About Trusting God with Infidelity

There is a couple who have been married for less than 10 years, and the wife was convinced that her husband was anything but faithful to her. He always had a reason to be away from home. He spent less time with her and more with everyone else. She was getting miserable in her marriage with her absentee husband.

It got so bad that he wasn’t even providing for the family anymore. She had to find a way to take care of herself and her two children. There was always a very good reason why money was not available. So, she began to sniff around him. She would see deposit slips with strange names on them and ask questions. There was always a lie for every question.

She moved on to checking his phones, and her fears started getting confirmed. She would see messages exchanged with other women, and then she knew where the attention and money were being invested. On many occasions, she would confront him, and they would fight over it. Her husband would beg and promise to stop, but it was all for a better cover-up next time. Nothing changed, just better concealed.

When the wife became tired of the lies, she made up her mind that it was time for a divorce. But before making the call to walk away, she prayed to God. God was her only hope. She could not decide on anything without consulting God first. She cried bitterly as she prayed. She loved her husband and wanted the marriage to work, but she was tired of the lies and deceit. She sought God from the depths of her pain, and God spoke to her.

The Lord spoke to her and promised to fix the infidelity issue in her marriage if she would trust Him (God) rather than expect her husband to change on His own accord. She made up her mind to commit to trusting God with the painful issue of infidelity rather than checking her husband’s phone or fighting him over his lack of attention to her and their children.

For her, trusting God was more reassuring than the countless broken promises from her husband. She got a word from God, and she ran with it. With this approach, she began to feel less betrayed, having her hope and trust in God, who had never failed her, than to expect anything from her husband. She shifted her focus away from monitoring her husband and placed her trust fully in God.

Gradually, without words or any input from her, her husband began to change. He went out less frequently, spending time with her and their children. It was initially strange, but over time, as they conversed more, she noticed her husband became more fearful of sexually transmitted diseases.

She didn’t know why there was a sudden fear, but that made him more cautious with his lifestyle and more faithful to his marriage covenant. There was an unexplainable positive shift that she was noticing and learning to enjoy. Up to the time I heard the story, they had both tested negative for any sexually communicable disease, but the fear of it has maintained faithfulness in their marriage.

It is worth noting that your own redemption story might not exactly be like this story that I just shared. The Lord knows your spouse more than you can ever do. He alone can arrest his heart in a way that you can never imagine. So, every marriage facing infidelity will not unfold exactly this same way. However, this story demonstrates that God is able to work in hearts and situations beyond our ability to control.

What Only God Can Do

One major takeaway for me in this story is that only God can do what we cannot do for ourselves if we hand it over to Him. Trusting that a cheating spouse would change for those who have killed their conscience towards the sin of adultery is like waiting for a thing that may never arrive.

But Proverbs 21:1 tells us that “The king’s heart is in the hands of the Lord, like rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes.” The heart of your spouse is in the hands of the Lord; only God can direct His heart to do what He pleases. So, when you commit that infidelity issue into God’s hands, He knows how to make your spouse faithful in ways you can never imagine.

The Biblical Way to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

The Biblical way to affair-proof your marriage is to trust God to keep your spouse faithful to the covenant they swore to you in marriage. It’s not that you will not trust your spouse; you will route your trust through God to your spouse. The idea is to cover your marriage in prayer against extra-marital affairs and trust God that what you have prayed for, He will do.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 shares the great benefit of trusting God above any man. Nothing gives you more peace in your life than knowing that the Lord is handling your affairs, because nothing fails in His hands. Jeremiah 17:9-10, on the other hand, tells us the danger of trusting man, because the heart of man is deceitful. But only God searches that heart, and only God knows and can deal with the deceitful heart that you cannot know.

But there is one more thing you need to do. It is established that you cannot control your spouse, and so we will handle that through prayers. But you gave control over yourself, and so we can’t conclude on this without discussing the self-actions you need to take to affair-proof your marriage.

As a partner in your marriage, you also need to remain accountable to your spouse and maintain healthy boundaries with friendships outside of your spouse. Be on alert to know when you need to press the brakes on any association that poses a threat to your marriage. And while praying to God that your spouse remains faithful to you, pray that the Lord will also help you stay true to your covenant of faithfulness.

Trusting God with Your Marriage

In conclusion, I will say this: if you want to maintain your peace of mind in marriage, put all the concerns of your marriage into God’s hands and trust Him to faithfully keep that which you have entrusted to Him. Then you can relieve yourself of any anxiety and enjoy abundant love in your marriage, knowing that it’s all in God’s hands. With God, there is no need for suspicions; your marriage is already affair-proofed.

Today’s post is the sixth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

 

 

The Covenant of Marriage – Why it’s More than a Contract.

 

Many couples say their marriage views with pride, love, and excitement. As the groom stands in front of the officiating minister, waiting for his bride to walk down the aisle, he is doing so with so much love and joy in his heart. Some even come up with teary eyes as they behold their beautiful bride walk up to them in the company of one of the parents, a close relative, or a mentor who will be giving the bride away in marriage.

The Marriage Vow Is a Covenant Agreement

And then the ceremony starts, the exchange of vows begins, and each couple is read their vows, and they repeat the words after the officiating minister, with agreement to do exactly as the vows they have spoken out say. And then the officiating minister asks the most important question of one’s life: do you take [insert name] as your lawfully wedded wife or husband, and the response from the couple is almost always “YES I DO.”

So that you will have a clear understanding of this, I will share a sample of the marriage vow/oath you swore to during your wedding ceremony.

Officiant:
Do you, [Name], take [Name] to be your lawfully wedded wife/husband, to live together according to God's ordinance in the holy estate of marriage?

Response:
I do.

Vow:
I, [Name], take you, [Name], to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part; according to God's holy ordinance, and thereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

The exchange of rings in marriage is a symbol of the union that is based on the vows and oath that were sworn to; and the marriage certificate is the legal document that legalizes the union that was based on the vows taken and oath sworn to. So, a marriage union is not based on the marriage certificate but on the vows taken and oath sworn to.

A person who has sworn an oath and taken a vow has consented to an agreement, which in turn makes it a covenant. So, in essence, a marriage is not a mere contractual event; it is a covenantal agreement in which both couples have promised each other a lifelong commitment, irrespective of harsh or good times.

What the Bible Says About the Marriage Covenant

As children of God, we will be acting in error if we think that marriage is just a business of convenience that we can walk away from when the conditions are not favorable. In Malachi 2:14, God expresses the significance of marriage as a covenant; He says He witnessed the exchange of vows you took on your wedding day, and He is holding you accountable to those vows.

Verse 13-14 says, “And this is the second thing you do: You cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and crying; so He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion, and wife by covenant.”

In the scripture above, God tells us the reason why He shuts down the prayers of His people. And now, we know that it is because we deal with the marriage covenant with simplicity rather than the attentiveness that it deserves.

A covenant is a binding promise that you cannot easily walk away from. That is why God will use it to illustrate His commitment to mankind. The marriage covenant is one that is not designed to be broken except for death. And so, every time God wants to illustrate His commitment to us, He calls us His bride. We are in a covenant relationship with God. 

Ephesians 5:22-31 gave us rules for marriage and used Christ and the church as a model because that is what a covenant is meant for. When an oath is sworn, as we do in marriage, we are bound by that oath or vow. Just as when God makes a covenant with us, and having nothing else to swear by, swears by His name, He is bound by that covenant.

With what has been established, it is important to start to view marriage with more seriousness than we used to. A man or woman who has sworn love in sickness and health, for richer and for poorer, for better and for worse, and fails to abide by this covenant commits a grave sin before God.

A man or woman who has pledged their faithfulness to their spouse enters a covenant of faithfulness. Anything short of faithfulness is a sin before the Lord. And so, we see God address this in Malachi 2:13-16. This is a sin that would not go unnoticed before the Lord, and so God warns us in verse 16 that we take heed in our spirit and not break the marriage covenant we have sworn to.

Marriage Is More Than a Transaction

It is important to state here that marriage is not a contract. When we speak of contracts, we reduce marriage to a mere transaction. It becomes a coming together for benefits rather than for service. And this is where many people get it all wrong.

This also explains why many people are quick to file for divorce when the benefit of coming together begins to wane. This also explains why a lot of people feel frustrated when there is an imbalance of attention and affection in the union.

The Lifelong Commitment of Marriage

Marriage is a commitment to serve unconditionally. It is a pledge and an oath sworn to that, in spite of harsh circumstances, loss of love and affection, financial downtime, loss of health and wealth, you are still bound to.

And so, lack of love does not terminate a marriage covenant. Unfaithfulness is not permitted in a marriage covenant because the oath sworn in a marriage covenant is an oath to forever faithfulness. And there is another striking pledge in a marriage covenant. It says to have and to hold.

What Does "To Have and To Hold" Really Mean?

The pledge “to have and to hold” is to bear with one another; to support each other. To hold each other up in times of a fall. To fulfill the words of Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 together. When you have each other, you help and support each other. When you hold each other, it means you protect each other. 

Your marriage was never meant to be a contract you can walk away from — it's a covenant. Learn how to live it out in God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage.

I do not know the origin of the marriage covenant that we keep swearing to in marriage, but I believe that we need to keep a deep understanding of the oath and vow we are committing to in marriage. A good grasp of this will help us understand marriage better and prevent the epidemic of divorce we have in the world today.

Why Choosing the Right Spouse Matters

But before we finish up on this topic, there are two important things I would love to highlight. The first is this: if marriage is a forever covenant that is binding and not just a contract, we cannot overemphasize the importance of being careful about how we make a choice of a spouse. 

A forever covenant, such as marriage, should not be made out of flirting emotions, physical appearance, societal pressure or on impulse. It is a covenant that the Lord stands to witness as you swear to that oath, and the Lord will hold you accountable to the oath that you have sworn to.

As children of God, we are created in His image and likeness. God, in whose image we are created, is a covenant-keeping God, and so we who are His children, created in His image and likeness, are supposed to be covenant-keeping children. That is the standard, that is the expectation. That is why God says He hates divorce.

So choosing a spouse requires that you pray and consult with God, and confirm with God with a strong conviction that the choice of a spouse that you are pledging your life and commitment to is God’s choice for you. This is because love will fade, body will age, wealth will wane, and if God is not at the center, the covenant will be a burden to keep.

Marriage Requires a One-Hundred Percent Commitment

The second thing we need to emphasize is that because marriage is not a contract, it is not a transaction. The expectation going into marriage is not a 50-50 agreement. It is you giving a 100 percent commitment to the vows you have made unconditionally.

When you made your vow in marriage, it didn’t come with terms and conditions. Introducing terms and conditions midway through any marriage is deceitful. The rules of marriage as laid by God are in Ephesians 5:22-31, and I have written about these rules in my blog titled “What Does the Bible Actually Say About Marriage Roles? (Ephesians 5 Explained).” These rules and roles are designed by God to help us fulfill with ease the vows we have made in marriage.   

These rules and roles are the only terms and conditions that are acceptable in marriage. They are neither drafted by either of the spouses nor any man, but they are written in the scriptures through the inspiration of God. These are rules given to couples by God.

Has Your Marriage Become a Contract Instead of a Covenant?

So, as I close, I want you to take a moment to re-evaluate your marriage. Have you drifted from the oath you swore at the beginning? Has your marriage begun to feel like a transaction more than a covenant? If so, then there is a need to go back to the drawing board and start to trust God to help you fulfill the covenant you made to your spouse at the beginning.

I agree that the dynamics may have changed. What you hoped for in marriage may not be your reality. It is because of you that I have been assigned to keep writing messages like this. God has you in mind, and He will help you get through it. Your marriage is still a covenant for you to fulfill, and God is available and ready to help you through the current challenges you are going through.

Marriage is not sustained by feelings alone. Feelings rise and fall, circumstances change, and seasons come and go. What sustains marriage is a covenant made before God and upheld through His grace. When we remember that marriage is a covenant rather than a contract, we begin to see our spouse, our commitment, and our responsibilities through God's eyes.

Today’s post is the fifth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Real Marriage. Real Struggles. What the Bible Says When You Want to Give Up

Quite a handful of people go into marriage only to discover that the reality is far from what was expected or anticipated. The man or woman they married has become a total stranger, different from whom they thought they knew and fell in love with.

The reality of the world and everything in it that God created is that they are all good. Genesis 1:31 tells us that after God had finished His creation work, “God saw everything He had made, and indeed it was very good.” So, we cannot question the goodness of the creation of God, because indeed everything is very good.

The marriage institution is also included in the creation of God, which is very good. A woman formed by God from the very good man He created, whom He gave to the man as his suitable helper, is nothing short of very good. So, marriage is a very good thing.

The Truth About Marriage: It Is Good, But Under Attack

But just like every good thing that God created, the marriage institution is constantly under attack. It had been under attack from the first marriage, and it is still under attack to this very moment. And so, we have real marriages faced with real struggles and real challenges.

I have yet to see a marriage that has not had to fight a battle of survival. Every marriage standing today, from a day-old marriage to a marriage of more than 70 years, has a story of survival embedded in it.  

Real Marriage Struggles Are More Common Than You Think

Some marriages have struggled for as flimsy an excuse as how the spouse presses a toothpaste when brushing their teeth. For some, it is snoring while sleeping; for others, it is that they don’t communicate well enough; yet for others, it is that one spouse drinks from the bottle while the other drinks from the glass. 

I have heard of a couple that divorced because the wife, who was married as a virgin, found sex painful and repulsive. The husband, who was not a virgin, found that irritating and became aggressive towards his wife because of her inexperience in bed.

We then move to situations where one spouse is financially better off, and the other begins to feel insecure. The home becomes tense, and the couple begins to walk on eggshells around each other. Or other scenarios where the couple who is more driven goal-wise sees the other as laid back and lazy.

These are some of the struggles that marriages go through, and I would not want to enter into talks about external influences in marriage or the deadly role that ungodly traditions play in the life and expectations of married couples.

These marriage struggles are real, and real people face them all the time. These examples are some of the irreconcilable differences that end up in divorce. These struggles do not know race or tribe; as long as a marriage exists, the devil is at hand to prove its fragility.

What God Says When You Feel Like Giving Up

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope.” In wondering what the word of God says at the point of you wanting to give up on your marriage struggles, this scripture says it all. God’s plan for your marriage does not tend towards failure, but peace, hope, and a future.

God didn’t just tell us His thoughts towards us; when it comes to our marriage, He gave us the road map to attaining peace, hope, and a future in marriage. This road map is what we find in Ephesians 5:22-29, 1 Peter 3:1-7, and Colossians 3:18-19. This road map is one that I explained in detail in my blog titled, “What Does the Bible Actually Say About Marriage Roles?”

But we find God’s mind for marriages in other scriptures, and the next one I want to highlight is Malachi 2:13-16. In this scripture, God addresses the men. He says they wonder why He no longer answers their prayers nor accepts their offering; He declares that it is because they have broken faith with the wife of their youth.

He went further to declare marriage as a covenant. If we know God well, we will know that God does not break covenants. If so, then His children who are formed and fashioned after His image and likeness should have no business breaking covenants. And so, He says, He hates divorce along with violence.

But the important thing to note is the warning that comes with His words. He says, “Take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.” This, in plain words, is God warning the man to be mindful within himself, and control his own spirit well enough not to deal treacherously with his wife.

The Root of Most Marital Conflicts

Many of the conflicts that eventually lead to struggles in marriage originate from pride, ego, selfishness, unforgiveness, revenge, and holding on to baseless traditions above the peace and health of the marriage. Jesus says in Matthew 19:8 that the reason why divorce exists as permitted by Moses and not God is because of the hardness of heart.  

What that tells me is that when hearts remain soft before God, the desire to walk away begins to lose its hold. When forgiveness reigns, pride and ego removed, husbands can love their wives as Christ loves the church, and the wives submit to their husbands as unto the Lord, then the victory of marital struggles is what they will enjoy.   

Fighting for unity in your marriage? "God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage" shows you how to build it, step by step.

The Power of Unity in Marriage

There is a lesson that I learned in my marriage, and I would love to share it here. In Matthew 18:20, Jesus says, “For where two or three are gathered in My Name, I am there in the midst of them.” So, when a husband and wife who are a unit of two gather in the name of Jesus, He is there in their midst.

The presence of Jesus in any gathering is a sure prosperity. So, there is prosperity in unity. Also, Ecclesiastes 4:9 tells us that, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor.” When you have a good reward for your labor, you prosper. This is another indicator that unity and prosperity go hand-in-hand.

Then in Genesis 11:6 says, “And the Lord said, ‘Indeed the people are one, and they all have one language, and this is what they begin to do; now nothing that they purpose to do will be withheld from them.” God says that when people are united, nothing they purpose to do will be impossible.

The secret item required for success and prosperity is unity. When this unity is between a man and his wife, not just one spouse will prosper, but both will excel. This prosperity is lost when conflict exists, and unity is lost.

The word of God never lies; no matter how good you think you are doing as a married person outside of agreement with your spouse, it remains a fraction of the success and prosperity you should be having if and when you are united with your spouse. Even when things seem to be working individually, God’s design shows that true fulfillment comes through unity. Along with this unity comes peace, love, and joy.

The Real Enemy in Your Marriage

John 10:10 tells us that the thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. From the beginning, the devil uses one major trick to achieve his aim of killing, stealing, and destroying, and that trick is deceit. He deceives couples to see themselves as enemies and steal away unity from their union, and ensures that prosperity is lost.

I would not deny that spouses hurt each other, some intentionally, some by errors in judgment and decisions. As long as there is no violence and concern for safety, there is a need to forgive each other and pray for one another. 

What You Should Do Instead of Giving Up

As a child of God, your battle is not against flesh and blood; as long as your spouse is still flesh and blood, your fight is not against them. Your fight is against principalities and powers and rulers of darkness in high places (Ephesians 6:12). You don’t fight your spouse; you fight the spirit behind what they do that hurts you.  

But most importantly, pray to God for a daily strategy on how to be a good spouse. God knows your spouse more than you can ever know, and when He leads you in that journey of marriage, you can be sure that you are on a ride of a beautiful marital experience. Don’t do marriage alone, do it with God.   

Pause and Reflect

• v What has been the biggest source of tension in your marriage?
• v Have you been fighting your spouse—or the real enemy?
• v What step can you take today toward unity?

Today’s post is the fourth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.