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Friday, 24 July 2020

The Silent Treatment Theory

I learned a big lesson from the book of proverbs on what I want to call the silent treatment. Unlike what we are accustomed to on the need to express ourselves and how we feel, what I learned from Proverbs 17:28 and Proverbs 18:2 speaks more on the gains of keeping silent rather than expressing one’s self most especially when the timing is wrong. The inability to keep silent at the right time has led to a lot of abuse in marriages and even deaths in marriages.
Surprisingly, Proverbs 18:6 (NIV) says the mouth of a fool invites beatings, and the NKJV version of Proverbs 18:6 says the mouth of a fool calls for blows. I am sure a lot of people don’t know that this scripture exists in the Bible but the truth is that it does. So, you need to then ask yourself, what is your mouth inviting? We then read in Proverbs 17:28 that even a fool is thought to be wise when he keeps silent and discerning when he holds his tongue. So contrary to the perception that you must express yourself, keeping silent might actually do more good than speaking out at the wrong time.
In the face of arguments with your spouse would you rather air your views, express yourself, or hold your peace. Is the need to be right greater for you than the need to have a happy and loving marriage? Are you aware that your silence speaks more than your voice? I learned all of these in the midst of turbulence in my marriage and it solved for me more problems than I could ever imagine. And truth be told no-one can quote silence, yet it speaks greater than words.
A lot of women, including men though, find it hard to be silent when they have issues burning in their hearts. I am included in that category and we are all learning together. But I have learned to overlook a lot of things in my marriage for the singular reason of maintaining the peace of my home and because I hold my marriage in greater esteem than the will to be right. I have learned to pray hard before I speak if I have to speak at all. So, if those burning issues come, that I am struggling to overlook, I pray first and when I have prayed and still feel the urge to speak, I then ask God to speak through me and give me words to say. Proverbs 16:24 teaches us that pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Your words count for something in your marriage. They can either heal it or tear it down. When you are angry, pause, and pray.
You will agree with me that it is quite difficult to not express oneself most especially when angry or hurt. I was in that position too, a long time ago, but I began to practice this silent treatment theory until it became me. Now I keep silent effortlessly and overlook issues easily now more than before because I have done it for many years.
It is also true that the grace of God played a big role for me and some people are of the opinion that some people have more grace to cope than others. The truth is that the grace of God is like a river that flows unending. When you go to the river to fetch water, the quantity of water you draw from the river is determined by the size of the container you go to the river to draw water with. A person who goes with a 50cl container will not draw the same quantity of water as the person who goes with a 15ltrs container or a 50ltrs container. In the same vein, the capacity of God’s grace that you receive is determined by your brokenness and willingness to allow God to fill you up with His grace. As long as you keep feeling you can handle it yourself you shut yourself up to God’s help. So, when it appears that some receive more grace than you do, it's not really so. It is that some have given God more room to act in them and through them than you have.
In closing I will say that I have achieved far more with my silent treatment theory than I could ever imagine. I have earned my husband’s love and respect by holding my tongue and allowing God who can speak louder than I can ever speak, speak through my silence on my behalf. I have seen positive results and I can’t trade this for anything else.
Mind you, I still speak when I have too. But I get to pray before speaking and I allow God to guide my words. And yes, I still slip sometimes and speak out of anger, but that happens so very infrequently. So, you might not slip into the silent treatment mode so easily but keep practicing it, keep being broken, and willing to let God do the talking on your behalf and never stop praying.

Here is an eBook authored by me titled "God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage". It's a wonderful guide to glorious marriage. You can get a copy of the book from my online bookshop by clicking here

Monday, 13 July 2020

How to Solve the Problem

I was speaking with a friend one afternoon and she told me about another friend of hers (whom I do not know in person) that was having a serious marital issue. It appears the husband is having extra-marital affairs and she is totally broken by it (who won't be), and at a complete loss as to how to handle it. Though the husband is rich and gives her everything she needs and wants but he is not giving her the love and attention of a husband to his wife. She in turn nags a lot, monitors his movements, checks his phones but still, nothing has changed. Rather than the situation getting better, it’s getting worse and the husband can leave the home for days once they engage in their bout of quarrels which was getting a little too often. When I asked my friend to advise the woman to start to pray, she told me that the situation has degenerated to a point where the wife says she can’t find herself praying for her husband again.
The last statement of the previous paragraph is the main focus of my marriage blog today. Never allow your emotions to drive you to the point where you cannot seek the face of God for a change in your marital situation. I dare to say that there is nothing the lady above can do by herself that can bring her husband back home to her without the divine intervention of God. I say this with every sense of conviction because I know what it feels like to watch your marriage gradually slipping away from your grasp. It’s not your beauty, nor your ability to cook good meals, nor your expert knowledge in home-keeping or sex that can deliver you from such a situation such as this except the divine leading of the Holy Spirit on what to do to orchestrate the change you seek.
I have written in several of my blog posts that when you pray for God’s intervention in your marriage, He wouldn’t come and do magic on your husband, and then the next morning you wake up to see a brand new version of your husband lying in bed with you. That is not how God works. Rather when you pray, you learn to listen to God and He will teach you what to do and what steps to take that will bring about a change in your husband that you desire. The biggest part of the change starts with you and then your change brings about a change in your husband.
When I was trusting God and praying for His visitation in my marriage, He did visit and all I kept hearing from Him was to submit to my husband as unto the Lord. It felt awkward at that time as I had considered myself perfect in all my ways and that my husband was all the problem. But little did I know that even though I respected my husband so much, I didn’t obey him until the Lord showed me my fault and helped me make the necessary adjustment that resulted in the glorious change in my marital situation. From then to date I haven’t stopped going to God for every step I have to take, every direction I need to follow and I thank God that I am enjoying my marriage today.
The greatest undoing a wife can do to herself is to stop praying for her husband because what you want to get from him can only be gotten by divine wisdom that comes from God through prayers. Great ideas for a successful marriage comes from God, a wife who seeks a beautiful marriage must be a wife who seeks God first and get inspirations from God to run successfully her marital race.

Here is an eBook from me titled God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage. You can get a copy of it from my online book store by clicking this link

Tuesday, 7 July 2020

Pray the Changes You Want in Your Marriage into Existence

I had planned to give up on the marriage blog, first and foremost because of the time constraint that I was beginning to suffer from, and also because the pageviews for the marriage blog was beginning to dwindle and I just assumed that people are beginning to outgrow what is shared on the blog. But a purpose will always remain a purpose and because of the joy I feel knowing that lives and marriages are been impacted by what is shared on the blog even if it's just a few people still reading it, it's still worth my resolve that it’s not a wise decision to just give it up. I sincerely seek the grace of God to help me continue and remain consistent in this assignment amidst the so many important things needing attention in my life.
Quite a lot of issues have come to mind that requires discussing on the marriage blog regarding issues of marriage. I was speaking to a young friend of mine who is yet to marry and she told me that "Aunty, you need to understand that men of your generation are quite different from the men of our generation," and that the men of their generation are such that they are quite complacent with doing nothing while they allow their wives to carry the bulk of the marital load.
I am in my mid-forties, while she is in her early thirties and I cannot agree or disagree with her point of view, but that reminds me of a speaking engagement I was invited to sometime in 2018. It was supposed to be the married men anniversary of a church and they were having a couple’s session and I was invited to come to speak to the couples from a woman’s perspective (those in attendance at that meeting were not of the young generation, they were mostly in their 40s, 50s, and even 60s). During the question and answer part of the program, I was asked by a wife that what should a wife who was supposed to submit to her husband in everything do if the husband would not pick up the bills in the home and take up his rightful leadership position even in financial matters simply because he knows his wife is working and is capable of paying the bills in the house?
I answered the question at the meeting and would want to share the answer again in today’s blog. A man by God’s calling on his life is the head of the home and the leader in all things including being the leader in carrying the financial responsibility of the home. If a man is unable to fulfill this role of a leader in the home then such a man needs help, and because the wife is his suitable helper, she is the one assigned by God to help him up. But helping your husband in this regard does not mean taking up the responsibility that God has given him as your own and doing for him what he is supposed to be doing as the head of the home.
The help required from the wife primarily is to pray the glory of God down on her husband such that everything he lays his hands upon to do he will begin to prosper in it. That is the time to learn to encourage your husband with words that will make him understand that his situation is only temporary and with God all things are possible. Words have life in them and when you speak the right words into the life of your husband in prayers and encouragement then life comes into his situation and dry bones will come alive for him again.
Now imagine being the wife of the richest man on earth. Precisely whatever income you earn as a wife to a very wealthy man is totally insignificant to your husband because he has more than enough to bother about what you earn. So the secret to your ultimate peace of mind in marriage when it comes to financial matters is that as a wife you pray always and never stop praying that God will make your husband so wealthy that what you earn, big as it may seem to you, becomes totally insignificant to him. Remember the fervent prayer of the righteous avails much.
Far more than your income can solve in this matter, your prayers in truth and with love and sincerity can solve much more. So, get on your knees and begin to call the changes you want to see in your marriage into existence. God is still in the business of answering prayers.

Here is an eBook from me titled God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage. You can get a copy of it from my online book store by clicking here

Saturday, 21 March 2020

The Me I See in the Mirror

In the recent past, I decided to make some lifestyle changes. Personally, I love to learn, and in my adult life I have developed a love for learning far more than I did when I was much younger. I take as many online free courses that interest me as I can lay my hands on. I developed my own eCommerce website with its full functionalities, where you can buy lace, pay and have them delivered to you by in your home, all by myself without writing codes. This I learned to do just from the free online courses that I take. Currently, I am learning how to code, learning the HTMLs, the CSS and Javascripts, all for free online.
But then I also did some other things to myself, like working on my waistline that has greatly enlarged due to childbirth after four lovely children expanded the waistline making it almost impossible for clothes to sit well on my skin and fit without the stomach bulging annoyingly. I have had a haircut. These are some of the things that have taken me off blogging and resulted in the inconsistency of you hearing from me regularly.
First, I decided to do these for myself and for my own sake. I want to look in the mirror and appreciate what I see to be me. I want to be proud of the woman that stirs at me in the mirror whenever I look at it and God has helped me greatly. But then all those personal developmental steps that I have taken have had its positive impact on my marriage. The woman my husband sees me to be, improves with every step I take to develop myself.
While still being the prayerful, home-keeping, great cook, supportive wife that I have been, I have added to it a presentable looking woman who is daily defying aging, I have become an innovative saleswoman, now I earn income, and cloths are beginning to look good on me. I have even brushed up my make-up skills.
The result of what I do is greatly telling on my marriage and I thank God for it. But I can’t tell you that I do all these by myself, but every time I pray to God to show me what else I can do to spice up my home and He gives me ideas, He gives me a platform and shows me the technique and gives me the strength to do it all. So I am still the one who washes the toilets in my house, cook the meals and clean the kitchen, sweep the house and make beds, do the laundry and mend the torn cloths, help my children with school needs, take care of them, listen to my husband when he needs to talk, and yet I will not forget to exfoliate my body twice a week, get my hair done as often as possible, work on my big tummy everyday and still make out time to have a quality time of worship, spend a few hours on my computer and then sell laces on social media.
Basically, it’s not impossible for you to be all these and more, first, it takes you been intentional about you, make room for no excuses and pray. While not leaving the big things, understand that the little things also matter. It can be very crazy sometimes, that much I can assure you, but there are million and one reasons why you won’t succeed if you pay attention to those excuses. Never give failure a foothold in your life and never go stale in your marriage.

Monday, 16 March 2020

What Do You Look Like 5 Years After Marriage?

So, in my last post, we discussed a bit on the issue of the insecurity feeling in marriage. I said then and I still maintain that in one's capacity you cannot stop a spouse who is bent on cheating from actually cheating but you can trust God to do in your marriage what you cannot do by yourself.
But today we will consider situations whereby a spouse originally didn’t intend on cheating but found himself/herself in such a mess owing to the negligence of his/her partner. In as much as I wouldn’t want to give an excuse for cheating, I will say that there are some things we do that might give our spouses reasons to be unfaithful to us.
Now there are some things that your spouse saw in you that made him/her prefer you as a choice of a life partner far above other possible contenders. I know that prayer plays a big role in choosing a life partner but there are some other additives that caused an attraction between you two in the first instance.
What happens in some marriages is that those indicators that caused the attraction are downplayed or totally eroded in some other marriages such that the husband or wife begins to look for what he/she saw in their spouse that made them say the word “I do” on that wedding day and totally can’t find a clew to those things and they begin to wonder why they agreed to the union in the first instance.
One of those big indicators that get lost in marriage is physical appearance. While some men experience unattractive physical appearance after marriage, a lot of women find themselves looking like a shadow of what they looked like before their marriages. For the women, one of the big reasons for this is childbirth, which is inevitable, but I am also on the learning that I shouldn’t lose myself to childbirth.
God has been gracious to us by giving us a body, it is our responsibility to take care of that body which God has given us to the best of our ability and even beyond. Rather than lose those indicators and catalyst of attraction that drew your spouse to you which resulted in marriage, you need to build on them. Growing old should not mean growing stale. Despite the pressure of marriage, the pressuring of parenting and many other pressures that might be distracting you, you need to take the time out for yourself to pay attention to you.
In addition to a wife being a good home-maker, a good cook, a good mother, a perfect wife, a reliable support, a prayer warrior, she also needs to be a beautiful woman, an attractive lady to her husband, a lady that constantly defies aging signs, an intelligent woman, a creative personality. It is when she is all these and more that she becomes a total woman, an indispensable wife and at no time at all will her husband wonder why he married her. Rather he is ever proud of himself that he made the right choice.
Though most wives don’t really worry over the looks of their husbands, yet some do. And husbands also ought not to lose that one thing that made them attractive to their wives. In the midst of the pressure of providing for the home, men should take the time out to deal with their growing waistlines and potbellies. Looking good also means staying healthy. So just as you are trying to maintain the good looks that contribute to your confidence as a husband, you are also taking precautionary steps in staying healthy and fit.
Never let the fire of your marriage die, there will be challenges along the way but they are always issues that you can overcome with God’s wisdom, with patience, tolerance, and understanding. And also, never let your marriage go stale, don’t get so consumed in the marriage that you forget to take care of you. You are a vital part of the marriage, without you there is no marriage, once you get stale your marriage gets stale also.

Wednesday, 11 March 2020

Let's Talk Insecurity in Marriage

One thing that gets a lot of wives agitated in marriage is that guts feeling that their husbands may be cheating on them and this is not limited to young couples. Even the older ones get to have that sense of insecurity sometimes.
Now, you might then want to ask if it’s wrong to feel insecure in marriage. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with you feeling insecure in marriage most especially when you can find one or two signs that have necessitated a sense of insecure feeling. But then, the feeling of insecurity can be extremely harmful to your marriage. When you begin to feel insecure, then trust is on the collapse. With trust gone, then unity in marriage makes its way out too. Suspicion then creeps in and brings with it loads of misunderstandings, arguments, quarrels, and even fights.
Before I carry on with this post I need to point to the fact that it’s not just that wives who are burdened with the feeling of insecurity in marriage, it’s a two-way thing and so we will look at this issue of insecurity in marriages from both the husband and wife’s point of view.
So, the main focus of this blog is knowing how to deal with insecurity in marriage. One bitter truth about dealing with this kind of issue is that the resolution to this issue all starts and ends with you. My number one solution to any problem is with God. That is, my ability to present the problem to God listen for instructions from Him and follow His leading on tackling the problem. So to say that you should not expect your spouse to stop whatever it is they are doing that is causing you to feel insecure, but to trust God to teach you what to do to deal with it.
There is something I do in my marriage that has helped me to handle to a great extent the issue of insecurity and that big thing is embedded in prayers. Consistently I pray for my husband that God will make him faithful to me and that whatever temptations he may face that will jeopardize the peace and unity of my marriage, that the Lord will prevent him from falling into such a temptation.
The issue is not that I trust or do not trust my husband not to cheat on me, the issue is that I trust God to hear and answer my prayers. I trust Him enough to know that He who is God is faithful to keep that which I have entrusted in His care. So, because of my confidence in God through Christ, I feel secure in my marriage.
You may feel that this approach is not concrete enough not to rely on, one truth that you will be confronted with as you try other methods outside of God to keep infidelity away from your marriage is that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make a cheating spouse stop cheating. Look as beautiful or handsome as you can, cook the best meals and spend your life out, if a spouse will cheat, he/she will do so. But we know that the hearts of kings and princes are in the hands of God and like the watercourse, He directs them as He pleases. So only God can cause your spouse to remain faithful to you. This is an assignment that only God is capable of handling for you. Don't spend yourself out trying to do what only God can make happen for you. Direct your energy in trusting God to keep and maintain the peace and love of your marriage after you have done all that is within you to do and you have obeyed God's instructions for your marriage. 

Thursday, 5 March 2020

Being Yourself Might Just Not Be Good Enough

When I feel stressed and I want to just take a break and rest, I run through my social media handles to see what’s happening in the world around me. Because I am not so much of a social media person, I do a lot of scan reading and only inspiration stuff catches my attention. So, I search for those phrases, sentences, or captions that are motivational in nature and those are the stuff I press the like buttons for the most. One thing I have found to appear quite often in those motivational captions is the phrase “Be Yourself.” While I agree with this to an extent, I believe it doesn’t improve one in many ways.
Now, assuming being myself means me being judgmental, nagging all the time, being consumed in your convictions and not being opened to learning, always sourly, looking down on people and many negative vibes like that, then being myself would just mean being toxic to the environment around you and the people around you.
So, in marriage you need to know when being yourself isn’t working for you and when it is time to improve yourself. There are so many couples in marriage with an entitlement mentality who have crafted in their heads what and what they should be getting from the spouses based on faulty traditional norms and they are so consumed in those traditional shortfall ideologies that they fail to see its killing effect on their marriages.
The interesting thing is that they want a beautiful marital life where everything is rosy and sweet and they get all that they want without being ready to give anything just because the tradition gives them the right to make demands where they have sown nothing.
  A wife who has not been a significant part of her husband’s success story shouldn’t expect that he will be willing to give her all she wants and need simply because she is his wife. I have seen places in the Bible where God has asked the man to love his wife as himself and as Christ loves the church, but I have not seen anywhere in the Bible where it says the wife should depend on her husband for all that she needs and wants. But when a wife has been a strong pillar of support for her husband, encouraging him to be the best he can be and praying for him continually, when success eventually comes, she will not need to make demands before her needs and wants are taken care of by her husband. The grateful part of him will make him go overboard in caring for her because she has sown the right seeds in him that have produced a bountiful harvest for her.
In the same manner, a man who has not been loving and caring towards his wife should not expect that she will be excited to make him the best meals, or do his dirty laundries, or run his many errands for him just because the tradition demands that she cooks his food. It really doesn’t work that way. If you want the best, then you must give your best at all times.
So, I will conclude today’s post by saying, it’s good to be yourself when yourself is the best of you, producing positivity within your environment and for people around you. But when being yourself requires a lot of amendments, then you need to improve on you to get the best from people around you. And this is so important for your marriage. The beautiful marriage you long for can only happen from the beautiful input that you have invested in it.