How to Parent Adult Children: Biblical Guidance Without Control

When a child turns 18, society generally begins to recognize them as an adult, capable of making independent decisions and taking greater responsibility for their life. But does reaching adulthood mean that a parent's responsibility suddenly ends?

Does a child's eighteenth birthday mark the end of parenting, or does it simply introduce a new phase of the assignment? The questions I want us to answer in today’s blog are: “When does parenting end?” and “What does it take to parent adult children?”

Does Parenting Ever End? What the Bible Says About Parenting Adult Children

The first truth I want us to hold onto is that as long as you have children, you will always be a parent. Parenting never ends if God has blessed you with living children. And the government might excuse you from the liabilities of your children once they are over the age of 18 years, but God does not excuse you from your parenting duties till you are called to Him after death.

When God said in Genesis 18:19 that “For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just, so that the Lord will bring about for Abraham what He has promised,” He didn’t mean toddlers alone or children below the age of 18 years.

So, abdicating our parental duties over children when society tags them as adults may mean abandoning our God-given assignment as parents. And I find the story of Prophet Eli in the book of 1 Samuel chapters 2-4 very apt for telling the role of parents in the lives of their children irrespective of their ages.

Eli's Sons: Biblical Lessons on Parental Responsibility and Discipline  

I can’t write all three chapters of the Bible in this blog, but we can summarize the story. Prophet Eli was a Prophet of God ministering in God’s temple. As a priest, it is expected that Eli would be a busy man, and not much was said about his wife, but a lot was said about his children.

1 Samuel 2:12 says, “Eli’s sons were wicked men; they had no regard for the Lord.” One thing I am discovering in this one-line scripture is that the Bible didn’t first give us the identity of the wicked men; it didn’t start by telling us their names. It started by telling us the sons of who they were.

The passage goes on to tell us what they were doing that earned them the adjective wicked. And verse 17 of 1 Samuel 2 says, “This sin of the young men was great in the Lord’s sight, for they were treating the Lord’s offering with contempt.” But you begin to wonder that it was the young men who sinned and not their father. This is where parenting begins to show its importance.

1 Samuel 2:22-25 would have exonerated Prophet Eli because the Bible says that when he heard about the sins of his sons, he tried to call them to order. But the human standard may be that this effort could have counted for something, but it fell far short when it was assessed by God.  

1 Samuel 2:27-36 is where we see God send a word of judgment on Eli for a sin he didn’t commit directly, but that came through parenting deficiencies in his sons.

1 Samuel 2:29 tells us why Eli’s rebuke fell short by God’s standard; it says, “Why do you scorn my sacrifice and offering that I prescribed for my dwelling? Why do you honor your sons more than me by fattening yourselves on the choice parts of every offering made by my people Israel?”

So now we know that Eli honored his sons more than he revered the God He served. And I am tempted to think that his love for his children exceeded his love for the obedience of God’s laws. And I wonder if that may sound familiar to some who may be reading this blog article.

Loving your children is a no-brainer; you cannot parent your children effectively without loving them, but love needs to be combined with discipline to achieve God-standard parenting. And this situation reminds me of the story of Abraham and Isaac in Genesis 22.

This story reminds us that our love for our children must never take precedence over our obedience to God. When Abraham was tested, he demonstrated that even his love for Isaac would not stand in the way of his devotion to God. This is an important lesson for parents: loving our children deeply should never require us to compromise the values and principles God has given us.

I want us to be clear that the only sin of Eli in the story in 1 Samuel 2-4 was to honor his sons more than God’s sacrifice. What we as parents would regard as a minor issue – something that isn’t so deep is exactly what led to Eli’s judgment.

1 Samuel 3:13 says, “For I told him that I would judge his family for ever because of the sin he knew about; his sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain them.” The sin of his sons was the real sin, but the sin of Eli was the sin of not parenting his sons well.

Two things have gone wrong here: Eli was a priest in the house of God. He had authority over that house. His children were priests in the house of God by lineage. So, Eli was not just a father to his children; he was their boss. He failed in his priestly duties to protect the things of God and failed as a father by not restraining his children.

The Bible tells us that Eli’s sons were men; another verse calls them young men. But these sons were not toddlers; they probably were not teenagers; they were men. Still, the Lord required that Eli restrain his young men sons. And when he didn’t, he was condemned for it.

This is a very big lesson for parents, and what I am learning along with you as I write this is that, as parents, we can never take our eyes off the ball when it comes to training our children in the way they should go.

The call of God on Abraham’s life to teach his children and household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just is not just for Abraham, but for every parent. God will not judge and condemn a failed parent and excuse another. It is the same standard across the board because God is not partial.

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Job's Example: The Importance of Praying for Your Adult Children

Another parent with a different outcome that we can find in the Bible is the rich man called Job. The Bible calls him the greatest among the men of the East in his time. And with that, I would infer that Job must be a very busy man too.

But Job’s wealth and busy schedule never made him take his eyes off his children. Job 1:4-5 tells us of the fatherly qualities of the great man called Job. We learn from Job 1:2 that he had seven sons and three daughters, and in verse 4 we are told that his sons would take turns to have a feast in their homes and invite their sisters.

While these feasting periods lasted, Job was always on standby, waiting, and as soon as it was over, he would gather his children together and purify them before the Lord in case they had sinned and cursed God in their hearts. And the Bible tells us that was Job’s regular custom.

Job would not wait for God to tell him his children had sinned; he was proactive enough to act ahead. He was a busy man, yet he took his parenting assignment very seriously because that alone could destroy all he had built before the Lord.

Gleaning from these two great men of God above, we can gain a handful of insight into the task of parenting adult children. But parenting generally begins not when a child is old, but from the day they are born. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”

An adult child grows into the values they have been trained with right from when they were born. I totally agree that it is very possible and real that society and the associates we keep can corrupt good values, even for those who were raised with good and godly values, but that is where adult parenting kicks in.

A good parent does not just rely on the good values they have raised their children with, but they are on standby and watching to ensure those values are not corrupted even when the children are adults. A parent never stops parenting.

Job must have trained his children well, but he was always waiting for their feasting period to end for them to be purified. Not that he was sure they had sinned, or that he got a report that they had sinned, but as a precaution to ensure the values he had trained them with still stayed with them.

How to Guide Adult Children Without Controlling Their Decisions

I shared in my last post that parenting requires availability. An effective parent is one who is always available for their children irrespective of age. For you to succeed as a parent, you must be available for the assignment.

But I must say that effective parenting also requires godly strategy. The way a toddler is parented is not the same as parenting an adult child. Toddlers can be forced into compliance, but adult children need to be convinced into making good and right decisions. And if we don’t get this difference, we might be dealing with rebellious children who will eventually detest us as parents.

Ephesians 6:1-4 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother – which is the first commandment with a promise – that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on earth. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instructions of the Lord.”

The NKJV version of verse 4 says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” This scripture proves to us that there are different phases of parenting. There is the phase of application of the rod (Proverbs 13:24), and there is also the phase of godly admonition.

Admonition is defined as “a firm warning, gentle reproof, or piece of advice given to guide someone’s behavior, correct mistakes, or prevent impending error.” From this definition, we see a lot of values to take away: a firm warning, gentle reproof, a piece of advice, correcting mistakes, and preventing impending error.

Parenting adult children should not be about controlling them. It is about guidance and setting the right examples and models that they can follow and copy for their own lives. Parenting adult children is not about making decisions for them but about guiding them to make the right decisions themselves.

A parent of an adult child is more like a marketer of values. You are trying to sell your good convictions to your children at that stage of parenting. You are trying to convince them of the benefits of making the right decisions rather than taking the easy but dangerous road.

And this is where praying for them is very important. Your ability to control dwindles, but God’s ability to control never shifts its position. At the point where your words don’t make sense to them anymore, God’s word never loses its power. Your word may be powerless, but God’s word is ever powerful, so invoke God’s word over them in prayer.

Isaiah 54:13 says, “All your sons will be taught by the Lord, and great shall be your children’s peace.” When you can't do the training anymore, hand it over to God and don’t stand in His way. But ensure that, by all means, your children are trained right.

When Parental Love Becomes Control: A Lesson for Christian Parents

A 22-year-old daughter is always at odds with her father. They almost never get along, and she would say that her father is too controlling. The mother has had to do a lot of coming in between to settle fights between them.

So the mother and daughter got talking one day, and she was crying. The mother realized hate was gradually developing in her, and she was becoming resentful of her father. After praying, she got a word from God that helped her get through to her daughter. And I am sharing this story with you per adventure if it will help a parent reading this.

The mother told her daughter that the father and mother have different parenting styles. While the mom seems a lot more approachable and not so forceful, she is very watchful, but the father’s parenting approach was more of a preventive approach.

He never wants his children to get into trouble, and irrespective of age, he forces compliance, which they have termed as control and are resenting. All he is doing is coming from a place of deep love. He never wants to see his children hurt.

But that is seen by them as excessive control. While the intention is coming from a place of love, the approach no longer fits the phase of life the children are in. So, they tend to think their father wants to run their lives for them, and they fight it.  

I must point out that not all controlling parents do so out of love, and this should not be generalized. The intent for control differs and may be from a deprived and evil place. But I mentioned that the mother prayed first and got a word from God.

It is only God who searches the deep things of the heart of men. Before making excuses for a thing, consult with God first and let Him reveal to you what you need to know to solve the problem.

Back to the story: But the mother has a different parenting approach. She talks to them and advises them on what to do and lets them make their call. They decide for themselves, but she is on her knees daily, praying for her children, and she is there to celebrate their wins and redirect their mistakes.

This open discussion between mother and daughter has strengthened the relationship between her daughter and her husband. But the mother did one more thing. She prevailed on her husband to evolve his parenting approach so as not to lose the love he so cherishes.

How to Build Trust and Maintain a Healthy Relationship With Adult Children

Communication is important for effective parenting. To build effective communication, there must be a strong relationship bond between the parents and children – whether adults or young children – a relationship must exist.

The children must be able to trust their parents enough to listen to them. And the parents must intentionally build a strong relationship with their children that is strong enough to earn their trust. With a two-way trust that is embedded in a strong bond, communication is a lot easier.

Parenting requires intentionality, availability, and growth. As a parent, you need to understand that as your children are growing, so are you, and so should your parenting methods and approach evolve. But the biggest of all these is that you should never stop parenting, and you should never stop praying for your children.

As parents, we must never forget that the children God has entrusted to us are part of our stewardship before Him. We cannot simply withdraw from our responsibilities because society recognizes our children as adults.

We remain accountable for how faithfully we have instructed, corrected, guided, and demonstrated godly living to them. While our adult children are responsible before God for their own decisions, we too must be able to give an account of how we fulfilled our assignment as parents.

 

Please find other helpful parenting blog articles below. You can click on the title to read the blog.

How to Raise Godly Children: Biblical Lessons for Intentional Parenting

How Can I Raise Godly Children When I Feel Overwhelmed?

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How to Raise Godly Children: Biblical Lessons for Intentional Parenting

What will our children say was our legacy as parents? I watched people honor a successful man after his death. But what impressed me wasn't primarily what he had achieved professionally. It was what people said about him as a father.

It was said that despite his very busy schedule and disciplined lifestyle, he didn’t joke with his assignment as a father. If this actor has left a legacy in his departure from the face of the earth, it would be that he left behind children who would make the world a better place for others.

Intentional Parenting: Your Children Shouldn’t Get What Is Left of You

One of the men I respect so much in the Bible is the man named Job, whose story is in the book of Job. There are many beautiful qualities that Job had, but the one that I respect and admire the most is his intentionality as a father.

Job 1:4-5 says, “And his sons would go and feast in their houses, each on his appointed day, and would send and invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. So it was, when the days of feasting had run their course, that Job would send and sanctify them, and would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offering according to the number of them all. For Job said, ‘It may be that my sons have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.’ Thus Job did regularly.”

Some things caught my attention about the man and father called Job; he was very rich; the Bible said he was the greatest of the people of the East in his time. So, we are not discussing minor wealth. That tells us that Job would naturally be a very busy man.

Shortly after the Bible tells us about his wealth and his greatness, the verse that follows tells us about his fatherly traits. So to say that Job’s work ethic is not running contrary to his parenting assignment. He pays attention to his children as much as he does to his wealth. 

That speaks loudly to me.

There will always be legitimate demands on our time. Work can be demanding. Building a career can be demanding. Running a business, pursuing financial stability, serving in ministry, and managing the responsibilities of everyday life can all be demanding. But success in one assignment does not give us permission to neglect another assignment God has entrusted to us.

Job was successful, but he was also intentional. He worked, but he watched. He prospered, but he still paid attention to his children. His commitment to his work did not run contrary to his commitment as a father.

And perhaps that is one of the first lessons we need to learn about intentional parenting: our children should not receive only what is left of us after everything else has taken its share.

Parenting Is a God-Given Assignment

Interestingly, in Genesis 18:19, we see God saying that He chose Abraham so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just, so that the Lord will bring about for Abraham what He has promised him.

We need to know and understand that parenting is not a trivial issue. Those we give birth to will grow to be the custodians of the society we live in. And so, the future of that society rests on our ability to give it well-nurtured and disciplined custodians. The value of our society is determined by the value of those who live in it.

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Parental Availability Matters More Than We Sometimes Realize

I have often shared that for the better part of my married life, I have been a stay-at-home mom. And if there is something I have strongly prayed about, it’s my ability to earn my own income. There is nothing I want more than to have my own financial independence. 

This desire is not a dream; I graduated from the university about 25 years ago, and I had been gainfully employed before I got married. So I always wonder why God has held me down in this aspect of my life, while he has answered almost everything else that I have prayed about.

And what I have come to realize is that there is an assignment God wants me to fulfill that requires attention. And that assignment is parenting. Please note that the fact that I am not financially independent does not mean I am lacking. When it comes to my needs, God has always come through, and my husband has been fantastic.

But more than my financial independence, God is more interested in the fruits produced from my marriage. While God has blessed my husband, the kind of wealth that would give him the flexibility of time to be as busy as Job and yet be available for our children still remains a prayer point for us.

But while he remains gainfully employed and is sometimes required to stay away from home for a long stretch of time, God ensured that I am made fully available to fill the parenting gap for both of us. Though I want the money, I am always in awe of God’s wisdom in the path He has charted for my family. 

As a stay-at-home mom, I have learned that one of the most important aspects of parenting is availability. And that does not mean just physical presence, but emotional, psychological, and even moral availability.

I have been there to care for, listen to, counsel, scold, cheer them on, watch programs with them that I am not interested in, advise on haircuts, and pass comments on makeup. Every phase of their growth requires a different approach and a different form of availability.

Before I jump ahead, I want to state that not all mothers would be called to be a stay-at-home mom. And pursuing and excelling in a career path is not a sin and does not make anyone less of a parent. The important word is availability for the children.

If both parents pursue careers that still afford them room to be available for their parenting assignment, then that is a great opportunity. But that is different from the reality of my own circumstances.

Parenting Doesn’t End When Your Children Become Adults

Going back to the story of Job and his children, one thing I gleaned from it is that Job’s children were not young. They were adults living in their own homes, because the Bible tells us that they would take turns to have a feast in their houses.

And yet Job was so invested in their lives that, though he was not interfering, he was still watching from a corner, observing when they would be done with their round of feasts, and then he stepped in to sanctify them. He was not imposing, yet he was available. And that shows that “parents never go off duty.”

Your Children Are Watching the Life You Model

Another important thing that I noticed about effective parenting is the ability to model the behavior you expect from your children. If you don’t want your children telling lies, it’s important that you don’t tell lies and, most importantly, don’t let them hear lies from you. Children learn from what we deliberately teach them, but they also learn from what we never intended to teach them at all.

I am a very homely person. I hardly go out. I think if there is anything I am lazy about, it’s picking up my car keys to drive out and visit a friend. The interesting discovery I have made is that my older children also don’t particularly like leaving the house. So they have the routine of school and home, or work and home.

And though they don’t have anyone stopping them, it’s just what they have seen in the parent they have spent the most time with. Just as Christ has come to model the acceptable way of living to us as children of God, we must understand that we also practice what we preach to our children.

Never Stop Praying for Your Children

One assignment we cannot stop as parents is to pray for our children. Isaiah 54:13 says, “All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children.” This scripture is activated and made manifest through prayer.

The wisdom to direct your children comes from God through prayer. The discernment to know what they need and when they need it comes from God through prayer. No parents, on their own merit, without the help of God, can effectively raise godly children.

Parenting is too important to leave to chance. We may not always get everything right, and our circumstances will differ, but God has entrusted children to us for a reason. We must be intentional about being available, model the values we want them to embrace, and continually place them before God in prayer.

Our children will eventually grow up and build lives of their own, but our assignment to love them, guide them wisely, and pray for them never truly ends.

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Can a Submissive Wife Be Financially Independent? What Ephesians 5 and Proverbs 31 Reveal

We often mistake submission for a wife burying her identity in the husband she has married. The assumption is that a submissive wife is not allowed to build a purpose outside of her husband’s purpose. And for some marriages, when a wife desires to seek financial improvement for herself, she is seen as defying the ethics of a good marriage.

In a handful of my marriage posts, I have described a wife as a suitable helper to her husband. A God-given help to a man to help fulfill his destiny and be all that God has ordained him to be. Even though that is very true, as we find in Genesis 2:18-25.

But understanding this scripture to mean that a wife’s duty is only to do the will of her husband would not just be a great disservice to the wife but, more importantly, to the husband. It simply means you are incapacitating the vessel that God has assigned to help you.

Submission Should Not Silence a Wife’s God-Given Potential

When God instructed the wife to submit to her husband, I don’t believe it was on the premise of losing her capacity to think for herself or take initiatives that will help her develop her own capacity and skills.

When a husband deliberately suppresses his wife’s God-given abilities because he fears her independence, success, or financial strength, what appears outwardly as leadership may actually be insecurity or control.

Unfortunately, what that would mean is that you have incapacitated your God-ordained help and support such that she is unable to effectively help you when you need her to.

Let us examine what Ephesians 5:22-24 says about God’s expectation from a wife. Ephesians 5:22 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” So, we understand that when a wife submits to her husband, she is doing so in the same strength as submitting to the Lord.

But when submitting to the Lord, we don’t feel caged in. Submitting to God is freedom; it’s liberty; it’s strength-building. A wife who submits to God yields herself to the authority of God. But what the authority of God does in her life is lead her to discover her strength and purpose.

When we yield to God’s authority, it leads to growth in potential and advancement. When you are under God’s authority, your discernment is sharpened; strategies for growth are received. And you are all around the best version of yourself.

A husband who is being submitted unto as unto the Lord holds it as his duty to imitate God’s reaction to the privilege of that submission. When a wife honors her husband with her submission, it’s not because she has not been endowed with talent and value from God; it’s that when she combines what she has with what God has given her husband, they both have a good reward for their labor.

Can a Submissive Wife Work and Build Financial Independence?

One of the benefits of submitting to God is what we see in Deuteronomy 8:18, where Moses tells us that it is God who gives us the power to make wealth.

A husband may not have the power to make wealth that he can give to his wife, but he has the power not to hinder her from freely expressing God’s gift in her life and giving her the room to harness the power to make wealth that God has given to her.

There are instances where a husband would forbid his wife from working or earning a living. And such a man demands submission to that instruction. For some, they use the excuse of not wanting their wives stressed, but rather to stay home and take care of the children.

For others, they don’t want their wives exposed to the possibility of meeting other men in the name of working. While a godly wife is supposed to submit to her husband as unto the Lord, this instruction, no matter what excuse we may have for it, is not healthy for the husband and the wife alike.

Why Financial Empowerment Can Strengthen a Marriage

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.”

The scripture above speaks to the heart of why it is dangerous for a man to prevent his wife from financially empowering herself when the opportunity and power to do so is available to her. When the husband experiences downtime, which is almost a constant in a man’s life journey, then he would have no one to help him up.

This would not be that God did not provide the support he needed ahead of time, but that he suffocated life out of the support. Having a wife whom you have prevented from earning a living when she possibly can is like being alone with no one to help.

I understand that there will be instances where circumstances are the things preventing the wife from earning income, which is different from the husband insisting she should not work. And I will not rule out cases where she is still waiting on God for her own breakthrough.

But when a wife is sitting at home not earning a living simply because her husband instructs her to do so, not because of any meaningful reason but just because of his own selfishness, such an instruction can be very limiting; not just for the wife, but also for the husband.

Insecurity, competitiveness rather than a complementary outlook, and excessive ego force some men to struggle alone when they have abundant help made readily available for them that they have refused to exploit.

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The Proverbs 31 Woman Was Productive, Capable, and Trusted

Proverbs 31:10-31 is the part of the scripture that speaks of a wife of noble character. She is a strong, successful merchant whose husband has allowed her to harness all of God’s gifts for her life, and from which her husband benefits, because she takes care of her household from her earnings.

Her husband is so secure that he sits at the city gate with elders. Her productivity does not diminish her husband. On the contrary, the household prospers, and her husband is respected among the elders at the city gate.

When a Wife Wants to Help but Cannot Contribute Financially

I am very passionate about this discussion because this is my lived experience. For the better part of my marital life, I have lived as a stay-at-home mum without earning any income. This wasn’t because my husband stopped me from working; it’s because I couldn't get a job.

I graduated from the university some 25 years ago, but by God’s design, I find myself raising four lovely children as my full-time job. But while I am not complaining, and God has been gracious to my family in that He has provided for us adequately from just a single source of income from my husband, I still understand what it feels like not to be able to support financially.

I have known the pain that my husband feels when the account spreadsheet isn’t looking good, and there is no support. I know firsthand what it means to really want something but cannot even dare to dream of it because some other things should take priority.  

While I know that my situation is not because my husband is limiting me, and my breakthrough is coming, I still feel the pain of being helpless when I know I should be a source of help. And when I listen to my husband plan the income for the family in a way that we are just getting by, it cuts deep.

To now imagine that a man would deliberately put his wife in a financial confinement simply to preserve control over her is not an expression of the sacrificial love Scripture requires from a husband.

What Abigail Teaches Us About Wisdom, Initiative, and Courage  

As I round up this article, a story in the Bible comes to mind. The story is found in 1 Samuel 25:2-end. The scripture is a long one, so I will summarize. It’s about a very wealthy man named Nabal, whom the Bible describes as harsh and evil. He had a wife named Abigail, whom the Bible describes as a woman of good understanding and beauty.

Nabal offended King David, and David promised to kill him. Words got to Abigail, his wife, that David was on his way to kill her husband, and she sprang to action and went to appease David on behalf of her husband without his knowledge.

The lesson that I got from this story is that Abigail possessed enough wisdom, competence, courage, and practical authority to intervene when her husband's foolishness placed the household in danger. That singular action saved her husband from David, even though it didn’t save him from the wrath of God.

The Ephesians 5 Wife and Proverbs 31 Woman Are Not Opposites

So, I will finish with this: A submissive wife is still an intelligent woman; she is full of talents and value that are designed to position her for greatness. There is no conflict between the Ephesians 5 wife and the Proverbs 31 wife. Scripture does not present one woman who submits and another woman who succeeds.

The Proverbs 31 woman is industrious, financially productive, discerning, entrepreneurial, trusted by her husband, and deeply committed to her household. Biblical submission and female capability are not enemies.

The Ephesians 5 wife does not disappear when the Proverbs 31 wife appears. They are not two different women. A wife can honor her husband's leadership and still think, build, create, earn, invest, lead, contribute, and become everything God has equipped her to become. Submission was never God's instruction for a woman to become less.

Restricting a wife from being all that God has called her to be in the name of submission would only mean that the husband will be laboring all alone when he is supposed to labor with the suitable help that God has given him. He would hardly find room for rest. 

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Finances in Marriage: What Does the Bible Say About Who Should Pay the Bills?

I once spoke to a friend who was divorced, and she was telling me some of the things that her husband did that hurt her feelings. One of them was that immediately after she was able to get a job, her husband split all the house bills in half and demanded that they share the bill payments, and she had to remit her own portion to his account every month. 

Her husband singularly paid all the bills while she was unemployed, but as soon as she began to earn income, he set the rule that she had to pay her own share of the home’s running costs. And this is not a case in isolation. All over the internet, there have been debates about whether the husband and wife should share the bills or not.

What Does the Bible Say About Financial Responsibility in Marriage?

Before sharing anything about how to handle financial stress in marriages, we need to check the Bible, God’s own word, to understand the mind of God when it comes to the matter of money and its impact on marriages.

One of the most popular scriptures when it comes to the matter of finance and marriage is 1 Timothy 5:8, and it reads, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially those of his household, he has denied the faith and worse than an unbeliever.”

From this scripture, and the role of the man as the head of the home, and the one assigned by God to care for his wife as his own body (Ephesians 5:25-29), and train his children in the way of the Lord, we won’t argue with the fact that the husband is the primary financier of the family.

A good man ensures that his family is well taken care of, and he would do whatever it takes to ensure the well-being of members of his home. A good man is sacrificial in ensuring he fulfills his God-given assignment, because his assignment is to follow the pattern laid by Jesus.

So, expecting a man to go above and beyond in this regard will not be a surprise. But more importantly, the underlying catalyst is love. A man who loves his family deeply and genuinely will do what it takes to care for them sacrificially. A man who loves will do all that is within him to show that love, and financially providing for his family is one of the means of showing that love.

Should a Wife Help Her Husband Financially?

But there is another caveat to this theory. A man who is genuinely needing help to fulfill his God-given role as the provider for his family has not sinned if he seeks the financial support of his wife when he is sure she is capable of providing that support.

In discussing this angle of the matter, I want us to consider Proverbs 31:16-18, and it says, “She considers a field and buys it; from her profits she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength, and strengthens her arms. She perceives that her merchandise is good, and her lamp does not go out by night.”

The scripture above is the description of a virtuous woman. The Proverbs 31 woman is not idle. She is industrious, resourceful, productive, and willing to use her abilities to contribute to the flourishing of her household, including financially where she has the opportunity and capacity to do so.

Should Husbands and Wives Split the Bills 50/50?

The question that then comes to mind is: Is she supposed to be earning income to hand it over to her husband, or is it right for the husband to demand that she shares in equal proportion the family expenses simply because she is earning income?

While there is no right or wrong answer to these questions, we can glean wisdom from God’s word as we try to approach this. Genesis 2:18 describes what God has in mind when He formed the woman. That verse says, “And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him.’”

So, the woman that God made and handed over to the man, who then became his wife, was formed as a suitable helper for the man. If we agree to this truth, then a man asking financial help from his wife, who is formed for him as his suitable helper, is not out of place.

God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — discover God’s principles for navigating money, responsibility, and financial support without resentment or division, and build a marriage where love, honor, unity, and God’s design come first.

Marriage Is a Partnership: Two Are Better Than One

But more than this, the angle I want to approach this from is found in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, which says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor: if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”

A good wife should be readily available to help when it is required of her, first because she is her husband’s suitable helper, and because that is what partners should do naturally; they should help one another up in times of a fall.

But when a man refuses to carry out his financial obligations to his family and shies away from his responsibilities not because he does not have the means to, but because his wife works hard and earns income, then 1 Timothy 5:8 tells us that such a man has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

So being able to do and not doing when it comes to a man’s financial responsibility to his family is an act of irresponsibility. I have seen a man who continually grows in God’s blessings, and one of his secrets to success is that he cares for his family sacrificially. Nothing is too much for him to spend for the comfort of his family.

When Financial Support Becomes a Weapon in Marriage

But there is another side of the coin that I want to talk about. There is another true-life story of a divorced couple, and one of the husband’s pain points is that the wife really does help whenever she is called upon to support financially, but when there is a slight misunderstanding, she starts to recount all that she has done for the husband.

She will hound him with the house furniture she bought, the home appliances she paid for, and the mortgage she supported, and, as such, make the man feel worthless. And so one begins to wonder if the financial support was even worth it in the first place.

Proverbs 31:11-12 says, “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” And verse 23 says, “Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.”

These scriptures above tell us what is expected of a good wife. It is not enough that a wife supports her husband financially, but that she honors him even while doing so. Money should be a blessing and not a curse. It should be enjoyed and not used as a weapon.  

Submission, Money, and Obedience to God

If you then ask me what I would do if I were in the position of a wife whose husband has asked for financial assistance. First, because communication between my husband and me is very active and we discuss a lot, I will not wait for him to ask before jumping in to help if he needs it.

If you ask again what I would do if my husband demanded that we share the household bills equally, my answer is that I would pay my share. Not because I believe that a 50/50 arrangement is fair, but my submission to my husband is ultimately an act of obedience to God.

Ephesians 5:22–24 tells wives to submit to their own husbands as unto the Lord. Therefore, my focus would not simply be on whether I agree with my husband's decision or not, but on whether I am obeying what God has required of me. Unless what my husband asks of me requires me to disobey God, I cannot define submission as yielding only when I agree with him.

My husband is responsible before God for how he leads me, and I am responsible before God for how I respond to his leadership. If his decision is unfair, God can deal with him concerning his responsibility; but I should not allow his failure in one area to become my justification for disobedience in another.

So, when I pay that bill, I am not merely putting money toward a household expense. I am choosing to honor God's Word. I believe that no sincere act of obedience to God is wasted. God sees the heart from which that obedience comes, and He is the One who rewards those who honor Him. My confidence, therefore, is not in the fairness of the arrangement, but in the faithfulness of the God whom I am ultimately obeying.

In my own real world, I am a stay-at-home mum who does not earn income yet, but my invaluable contribution to my husband is priceless and well appreciated by my husband. But when I do earn income, what I would do is what I have described above.

I will say this as my closing: The husband is the primary provider of the home. God, knowing that there will be downtimes in a man’s life journey, provides a suitable helper for him in the person of his wife. A good wife should not sit idle; as much as she can, she should earn income or strive to earn income.

A wife who financially supports her husband does what is good. But more than just supporting your husband financially, how you do it matters. Do it while protecting his honor. A man who has the capacity to take care of his family financially but does not has lost the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Financial disagreements are rarely just about money. They often reveal deeper questions about responsibility, sacrifice, trust, honor, submission, and how two people learn to function as one. And these are not principles we need only when financial pressure comes; they are part of learning how to build a marriage according to God’s design.

Today’s post is the twelfth in our three-month series on marriage. If this message has challenged you to look more closely at how God’s Word should shape not only your finances, but the way you relate to your spouse, then I invite you to go deeper.

My book, God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage, walks you through biblical principles for building a marriage that honors God and remains strong through the different seasons of life.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

Communication Problems in Marriage: Causes and How to Fix Them

There is a proverb that says, “Familiarity breeds contempt,” and simple as this may be, familiarity is one of the silent killers of marriage if we are not careful to pay close attention to it. Couples get so familiar with one another and then begin to take each other for granted, and then a loss of respect for each other creeps in.

With time, they begin to lose value for each other, and this loss of value is evident in the way they communicate with one another. They begin to throw piercing words at each other, and verbal abuse begins to surface. And I will tell you that verbal abuse is as emotionally damaging as physical abuse is to the body.

In today’s blog, I want to discuss the issue of communication and conflict in marriages. Still, I am most interested in the root cause of negative communication and conflict in marriage.

When Familiarity Begins to Affect Communication in Marriage

It is common knowledge that when you are so close to someone for a very long time, chances are that you will get very familiar with that person, and the probability of taking that person for granted is high. When they are supposed to come first, they come last, with you telling yourself that such a person would understand.

And this even gets worse if, for any reason, you perceive that the person isn’t adding much value to you. Let’s take an example of an executive director of a multinational firm whose wife is a stay-at-home mum. To such a man, the probability of him taking his wife for granted is high if his measure of the value of the wife’s contribution to the home is quantitative.

For a man like that, if she is not contributing in monetary value, she might be considered not contributing at all. The familiarity they share, along with his inability to see the value of her contribution, will cause him to take her for granted and erode the respect he has for her. His lack of respect begins to show in his communication with her, causing verbal abuse and conflict.

The Connection Between Value, Respect, and Communication

Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” This is one of my focus scriptures when I consider the issue of communication in marriage. I hold on to the fact that what to say, when to say it, and how to say it matter a lot when dealing with communication in marriage.

But in the course of writing this blog, the Lord is taking it deeper for me. One truth is that there is a correlation between the value you place on your spouse and the way you communicate with them. When you hold your spouse in high esteem, you care about their feelings, and in turn you pay attention to how you communicate with them.

So, what I am learning and sharing is that there is a chance that the way your spouse values you may have a quiet impact on the way they communicate with you. The value your spouse places on you impacts the level of respect they have for you, and the way they respect you impacts the way they communicate with you.

If your spouse respects you, they will speak with you respectfully, and vice versa. Now, for those who are having communication issues in their marriage, one thing to consider is the level of respect your spouse has for you.

I strongly believe that the level of value your spouse has for you determines the level of respect you get from them, and this shows in the way they communicate with you. I know there will be little bouts of conflict, but the respect they have for you often makes the conflicts short-lived.   

How Do You Restore Value and Respect in Your Marriage?

So that brings me to the thought: how do you make your spouse value you? The value and respect your spouse gives you cannot be demanded or forced, or it will not be genuine. This is something you earn based on what you offer them.

To explain my thought properly, I want to use an illustration that I hope will help me get this across effectively. When you give someone a gift they don’t need, no matter how expensive that gift is, if it does not meet a need, it is not valued.

When you give a gift that is highly needed, even if it does not cost much, such a gift is genuinely appreciated, and the one who has been gifted the item would most likely hold the giver of the gift in high honor and respect.

So, one of the easiest ways to earn the respect and value of your spouse is to meet an important need in their lives. When you have positioned yourself as an indispensable and invaluable part of their lives, you become respected and spoken to with respect.

But there is a caveat to this assumption: a spouse may be trying their best to position themselves as an invaluable part of their spouse’s life but still not meet the mark. And this is where prayer becomes very important.

Earlier, I shared an illustration of giving an expensive gift that is not needed. A lot of times we assume we know what our spouses need, but if they have not told us, “This is what I want from you,” what you think you know is still an assumption with margins of error.

But when you pray and follow the leading of the Lord, He will lead you straight to the center of your spouse’s heart and teach you what to do and how to position yourself as an invaluable component of their life.

God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — discover God’s principles for restoring value and respect, communicating with love, and building a marriage where both spouses feel seen, appreciated, and deeply valued.

How God Changed Communication in My Own Marriage

Communication in my marriage was an issue I dealt with for a long time. I am a stay-at-home mum, and this has been so for 85% of the time in my nearly 23 years of marriage. I take care of the house diligently, manage our four children, and do the household chores, but these are activities that my husband cannot quantify in figures and, as such, concluded I was not bringing any value to the home.

This eroded a large chunk of the respect he had for me and the way we communicated. My self-esteem was at its lowest. And I honestly contemplated a divorce because I was tired of putting up with the disrespect.

And the honest truth was that my husband didn’t realize he was doing anything wrong. But I took my hurt to God and allowed Him to lead me. The first thing I discovered was that I found myself taking an interest in online courses. 

I quietly began to take my career seriously and began to grow myself. This was not me waiting for my husband to value me, but allowing God to teach me to pour value into myself. I began to take certification exams and started growing.

The moment my husband noticed that I was taking all these courses, his perception of me started to shift. I took courses in business analysis and moved towards web development. I started learning programming languages and how to code. And even though I am still a stay-at-home mum, the way my husband sees me and respects me has improved greatly.

I would not miss the fact that, by divine grace, he got a job relocation to another country while the children and I live in another country, and he found himself having to do the household chores all by himself. This made him appreciative of the things I was doing for him that he took for granted.

We are in a better place in our marriage now, and we share strong respect for each other. I am not removing the bouts of conflict, but because of the value and respect we have for each other, we are quick to apologize. Now, my husband does not mind saying sorry when he is wrong. He even apologized for taking me for granted in the past years.

What to Do When Your Spouse No Longer Recognizes Your Value

Although I will not generalize this assumption, I would rather say that the first place to begin tackling a communication problem in a marriage is the place of weighing the value you place on your spouse. Have you gotten so familiar with your spouse that you begin to take them for granted?

If you believe that your spouse is beginning to communicate with you in a disrespectful manner, the solution is not to fight them, nor is it to demand respect. Let’s begin to seek the solution from a place of prayer.

It is so very possible that you are doing so much that your spouse is yet to appreciate, just because they are yet to put a value to it. In some cases, they get so familiar with you taking care of that concern that they begin to take it for granted and lose its value.

That is a problem you cannot solve on your own; that is an assignment for God to handle. This is because you cannot force your spouse to appreciate your contribution if they have yet to see its value. It’s only God who can restore such lost value and make them appreciate your efforts again.

Let God Lead You into Personal Growth

The second thing I would encourage you to do is to continue building yourself with the help of God. Your spouse may fail to recognize your value, but that should never stop you from growing. Allow God to show you the areas where you need to develop, not merely to earn your spouse’s approval, but to become everything He has called you to be.

Achieving this does not necessarily mean throwing yourself cheaply at the beck and call of your spouse. Doing that devalues you more. The answer is to go to God for a strategy on how you can improve yourself in the area of need of your spouse that will make you an invaluable component of their life.

Sometimes this does not require you to do more for your spouse, but to do more for yourself and improve your self-worth and self-esteem to the point that you begin to earn their respect. People value what they need, and they respect what they value. So, becoming who they need makes your spouse respect you more and communicate with you with respect.

Doing this achieves two important goals. You become a better you in the long run and achieve the goal of earning the respect of your spouse without conflicts or negative drama in the home.

And in this pursuit, your strategy is not arrogance or vengeance. It is doing what you are doing in love and humility. In working towards a better marriage, you should never neglect your God-given role in that marriage. The wife submits to her husband as unto the Lord, and the husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church.

Today’s post is the eleventh of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: What the Bible Says and Why It Matters

The way we brush away the issue of intimacy in marriage as something not to be spoken about openly is very interesting. It is often assumed that sex is not a thing to be discussed openly by Christians. It is viewed as a dirty topic and can only be addressed privately in the secrecy of the couple's bedroom.

Why Christians Need to Talk About Sexual Intimacy

But while we shy away from this vital aspect of marriage, this issue is breaking some homes. I have heard of a true-life story of a couple who divorced because the wife claimed her husband was not satisfying her intimacy demands.

Now, that is not a case in isolation, as I know another couple who had a very messy breakup, and the underlying problem was the wife not being experienced enough to meet the sexual demands of her husband.

These two were always fighting. The wife was in her mid-thirties when she got married, and she was a virgin. Due to the maturity of her body and her celibacy, her first attempt at sex after getting married was not an interesting one. It was a painful attempt.  A couple more attempts were not any better.

Unfortunately, her husband was not a good communicator, with high hopes and expectations that turned into disappointment, irritation, and aggression. The wife assumed there were demonic attacks on her marriage, as she could not understand what about her was pissing her husband off.

She prayed, and prayed, and eventually sought shelter for safety when irritation and aggression turned into physical abuse. She walked out of her home and back to her parents without truly knowing what was wrong with the man she was married to.

There were several interventions from the wife's and husband's parents, and when all attempts to patch things up between them failed, as the husband insisted he was done, he filed for a divorce, and they went their separate ways.

When the Real Problem Is a Lack of Communication

I met the husband for the first time about 6 years after the divorce, when he reached out to me after reading some of my blog articles. We got talking, and he told me about his divorce. I was curious, as I never wanted to hear of couples divorcing. I asked many questions and even requested to speak to his ex-wife, with the hope of igniting a reconciliation.

In the course of talking to this couple, they told me many things that didn’t add up, but the man kept nagging about the fact that the wife didn’t like sex. The fact that he kept repeating it told me more than he admitted, and I confronted him about it.

It was when I stayed on the issue of his sex life in our discussion that he admitted that it was a big issue for him. But what beat my imagination was that he never complained about it to his wife. When I asked him why he never addressed the issue with his wife, his response was that she was supposed to know.

What killed that marriage was not just the fact that sex was a problem, but communication about sex was the main killer. The only way this Christian husband was able to communicate his demands to his wife when it related to sex was to buy her books about sex and nothing more. In his world, she was supposed to understand what the books were for.

I have just shared two true-life situations where the marriage was broken solely because of a problem with intimacy in those marriages. And these are not cases in isolation. Problems with intimacy in marriage form part of the irreconcilable differences used as reasons for divorce. Calling it irreconcilable differences is just not wanting to say the real issue out loud.

While sexual intimacy should not be the main reason for couples to go into marriage, it is a very important part of a marriage union. Intimacy is one of the physical displays of love that promotes oneness in marriage. It encourages affection and helps the bond of togetherness in marriage stay strong.

What Does the Bible Say About Sexual Intimacy in Marriage?

But it is interesting to note that the issue of intimacy in marriage was not left out of the Bible. 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 says, “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

If this topic of sexual intimacy is discussed in the Bible, then that tells us that it is a matter that should be addressed strongly. When intimacy disappears and is left unaddressed, an important part of the marital bond can begin to suffer. Though intimacy is not the first thing in marriage, it is a strong lifeline of a good marriage.

It is a bonding gift from God to the married couple that should be enjoyed by both partners. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that the husband and wife should not deprive one another of this good gift except for mutual consent and for a short time.

While I cannot explicitly give guidelines about intimacy in marriage, one truth needs to be emphasized. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:4 that the wife does not have authority over her body, but her husband does, and likewise the husband does not have authority over his body, but his wife does.

But this scripture should not be misread. The scripture does not encourage an entitlement mentality or coercion or aggression when it comes to the issue of intimacy in marriage. Intimacy is a display of love that should be earned. Intimacy is not an act that should be forced.

God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — discover God’s principles for building deeper intimacy, communicating with love, and nurturing the closeness and oneness He designed marriage to enjoy.

When the Real Problem Is a Lack of Communication

Intimacy in marriage, as designed by God, is for the good of the husband and the wife. It should be a thing of pleasure and love. But for some women, the first experience of sexual intimacy can involve discomfort or pain, which makes patience, communication, gentleness, and understanding especially important. And this is the downside of the story I shared earlier.

But that is not meant to be a problem when a married couple learns to communicate openly, with understanding and love as they navigate new terrains of their marriage. There is always a first time for every experience, and this precious issue should be handled with love and care.

Sexual Intimacy Is About More Than Sex

Two things I want to mention just as I close this discussion are that sexual intimacy plays a very significant and beneficial role in marriage, but it can also be abused. In the next few paragraphs, I will explain why I say this.

The dictionary meaning of intimacy is closeness; one of the meanings of closeness, when viewed in the context of a relationship, is affection. And the last thing I found is that closeness is “the quality of being done in an attentive and thorough way”.

So intimacy in marriage means closeness, affection, attention, and thoroughness. I want to believe deep in my heart that all of these beautiful attributes are qualities the Lord had in mind when He added sexual intimacy to marriage.  

This is beyond procreation; it is beyond reproduction; those are just the fruits of the gift of sexual intimacy. But at the core of this act are closeness, affection, attention, and thoroughness. The couple pays attention to the needs of one another in an affectionate and thorough manner.

That is what God wants; that is why He made them bone of bones and flesh of flesh to one another. I have come to realize, maybe with a few exceptions, that couples cannot stay angry with each other after an act of sexual intimacy. If they had issues or disagreements, sexual intimacy tends to dissolve the problem easily.

When Intimacy Becomes a Weapon in Marriage

But there is also the issue of weaponizing sexual intimacy in marriage. We have cases of a husband or wife depriving their spouse simply because there is a disagreement. This is very wrong, and that is why Paul called it out in 1 Corinthians 7:5.

By virtue of the fact that you people are married, based on God’s definition found in Genesis 2:23 and in Matthew 19:6, Jesus says they are no longer two but one. On the basis of these scriptures, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:4 that a woman's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband, and likewise, a man’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

And this is so because the Lord intends that the body be a vessel of sexual intimacy, fostering love, closeness, affection, and attention, and not to be used as a weapon of war in marriage. And this underscores the importance of a man taking care of his wife’s body because that body belongs to him also, and vice versa.

Physically abusing your spouse’s body is physically abusing yourself. You may not feel the physical pain, but the Lord will hold you accountable spiritually. Like the story I shared earlier, you cannot physically abuse your spouse’s body and still expect that same body to serve your sexual needs. What you take care of will serve you well, and what you disdain will repel you.

Building a Marriage of Closeness, Affection and Care

Like every other aspect of marriage, the intimacy part of it is very important and should be taken care of diligently. I agree that stress and fatigue may create bottlenecks in sexual intimacy, but we should not allow them to create a bottleneck in other aspects of intimacy.

Personal hygiene that makes intimacy attractive should also be a daily lifestyle. These are spices that make marriages a beautiful and holistic experience, just like God intended it to be.

Today’s post is the tenth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.