How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage Biblically

The greatest singular deal breaker for marriages is CHEATING. Marriages fall apart for many reasons, but the greatest of them all is when one spouse becomes unfaithful to the other. I have spoken to a lot of people who say that once they find out that their spouse is cheating on them, they can no longer remain in such a marriage.

It is interesting to see in Matthew 19:9 that it is only sexual immorality that Jesus gave as an exemption for allowing for a divorce. We find it everywhere in the Bible, starting from Exodus 20:5 (in the 10 commandments), that God is a jealous God.

But it is worthy of note that God's jealousy is not rooted in insecurity but in His commitment to covenant faithfulness. If that is the case, then it is expected that we who are formed and fashioned in His image and likeness will be jealous beings. Not with an unholy jealousy, but one that expects faithfulness in a marriage union and commitment to the marriage vows that were exchanged.  

The Fear of Infidelity in Marriage

So, when people say that infidelity is a deal breaker for them in marriage, they are just expressing who they have been fashioned to be. It is human nature to be jealous. But not being jealous to the point that it leads to sin and pushes you to do terrible things.

In my last post, where I discussed the marriage covenant, and the content of the vows we take and the oath we swear to in marriage, one of the items in that oath is a pledge to be faithful in marriage. So, expecting faithfulness in marriage is not out of place. It is a promise that was made, a covenant that was entered into, and that promise is expected to be fulfilled.

Can You Truly Trust Your Spouse?

But here is another twist to it that makes it a little interesting. When you enter into a marriage covenant, you expect faithfulness, and so you invest trust in your spouse based on the faithfulness that you are hoping for. But now Jeremiah 17:5 says, “Thus says the Lord: Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart departs from the Lord.”

Some people may want to say that this scripture does not apply to the marriage situation, while others may start to get confused as to how to run the marriage without trust if the Lord says cursed is anyone who trusts man. How do you be with a spouse that you are not expected to trust?

This is where we begin to tackle the topic of discussion for this blog post. How to affair-proof one's marriage based on the truth of the Bible. I want to start this by saying, trying to monitor your spouse and playing the detective to affair-proof your marriage never works. It only leads to heartache at the end of the day.

Coming from a one-time marriage detective, I can tell you truthfully that you will get your mind and heart messed up trying to monitor who your spouse interacts with when it comes to the opposite gender. The more you look, the more you see what will break your heart. But please note that I am not saying that you should overlook a cheating spouse, but there are better and more reassuring ways of handling this, and that is what I will be sharing in this blog.

How Affairs Often Begin

When God says cursed is the man who puts his trust in man, He sure knows why He made such a statement. Oftentimes, infidelity in marriage doesn’t always happen out of malice, greed, or lack of love. What starts as an innocent communication or help being rendered to a friend may quickly snowball into an affair without those involved noticing early enough to press the brakes.

Before you blink an eye, what started as a simple friendship grows into an emotional attachment, and gradually, an affair is born. In fact, those involved will argue that they are just close friends and nothing more, because physical touch has not entered into the conversation. Until temptation presents itself and a boundary that should never have been crossed is crossed.

In some cases, these two who have erred may feel the guilt and hit the brakes at that point. In some other cases, the emotional attachment may have run so deep that ending it at one mistake becomes a call too hard to make, and they continue the secret affair and remain a loving yet deceitful spouse in their respective marriage as long as they don’t get caught.

So, in reality, not all cheating spouses set out to hurt their partners in marriage; not all of them cheat out of lust and greed. But the truth still remains that they have broken their marriage covenant of faithfulness, they have sinned, they have broken the trust invested in them, and they have hurt the one who loves them dearly.

For some, this sin is grave and unforgivable, and for others, they extend grace and forgiveness and allow the union to continue with the assignment of making the offending spouse earn the trust that they were freely given at the onset of the marriage.

But how can you affair-proof your marriage when all that you can control is you and not your spouse? The greatest self-deceit that anyone can have is to think they can control their spouse without the spouse freely and willingly yielding that control. To answer this, I will share a true-life story that best illustrates my take on this.

If this post is speaking to you, God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage will walk you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong — even against infidelity.

A Story About Trusting God with Infidelity

There is a couple who have been married for less than 10 years, and the wife was convinced that her husband was anything but faithful to her. He always had a reason to be away from home. He spent less time with her and more with everyone else. She was getting miserable in her marriage with her absentee husband.

It got so bad that he wasn’t even providing for the family anymore. She had to find a way to take care of herself and her two children. There was always a very good reason why money was not available. So, she began to sniff around him. She would see deposit slips with strange names on them and ask questions. There was always a lie for every question.

She moved on to checking his phones, and her fears started getting confirmed. She would see messages exchanged with other women, and then she knew where the attention and money were being invested. On many occasions, she would confront him, and they would fight over it. Her husband would beg and promise to stop, but it was all for a better cover-up next time. Nothing changed, just better concealed.

When the wife became tired of the lies, she made up her mind that it was time for a divorce. But before making the call to walk away, she prayed to God. God was her only hope. She could not decide on anything without consulting God first. She cried bitterly as she prayed. She loved her husband and wanted the marriage to work, but she was tired of the lies and deceit. She sought God from the depths of her pain, and God spoke to her.

The Lord spoke to her and promised to fix the infidelity issue in her marriage if she would trust Him (God) rather than expect her husband to change on His own accord. She made up her mind to commit to trusting God with the painful issue of infidelity rather than checking her husband’s phone or fighting him over his lack of attention to her and their children.

For her, trusting God was more reassuring than the countless broken promises from her husband. She got a word from God, and she ran with it. With this approach, she began to feel less betrayed, having her hope and trust in God, who had never failed her, than to expect anything from her husband. She shifted her focus away from monitoring her husband and placed her trust fully in God.

Gradually, without words or any input from her, her husband began to change. He went out less frequently, spending time with her and their children. It was initially strange, but over time, as they conversed more, she noticed her husband became more fearful of sexually transmitted diseases.

She didn’t know why there was a sudden fear, but that made him more cautious with his lifestyle and more faithful to his marriage covenant. There was an unexplainable positive shift that she was noticing and learning to enjoy. Up to the time I heard the story, they had both tested negative for any sexually communicable disease, but the fear of it has maintained faithfulness in their marriage.

It is worth noting that your own redemption story might not exactly be like this story that I just shared. The Lord knows your spouse more than you can ever do. He alone can arrest his heart in a way that you can never imagine. So, every marriage facing infidelity will not unfold exactly this same way. However, this story demonstrates that God is able to work in hearts and situations beyond our ability to control.

What Only God Can Do

One major takeaway for me in this story is that only God can do what we cannot do for ourselves if we hand it over to Him. Trusting that a cheating spouse would change for those who have killed their conscience towards the sin of adultery is like waiting for a thing that may never arrive.

But Proverbs 21:1 tells us that “The king’s heart is in the hands of the Lord, like rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes.” The heart of your spouse is in the hands of the Lord; only God can direct His heart to do what He pleases. So, when you commit that infidelity issue into God’s hands, He knows how to make your spouse faithful in ways you can never imagine.

The Biblical Way to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

The Biblical way to affair-proof your marriage is to trust God to keep your spouse faithful to the covenant they swore to you in marriage. It’s not that you will not trust your spouse; you will route your trust through God to your spouse. The idea is to cover your marriage in prayer against extra-marital affairs and trust God that what you have prayed for, He will do.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 shares the great benefit of trusting God above any man. Nothing gives you more peace in your life than knowing that the Lord is handling your affairs, because nothing fails in His hands. Jeremiah 17:9-10, on the other hand, tells us the danger of trusting man, because the heart of man is deceitful. But only God searches that heart, and only God knows and can deal with the deceitful heart that you cannot know.

But there is one more thing you need to do. It is established that you cannot control your spouse, and so we will handle that through prayers. But you gave control over yourself, and so we can’t conclude on this without discussing the self-actions you need to take to affair-proof your marriage.

As a partner in your marriage, you also need to remain accountable to your spouse and maintain healthy boundaries with friendships outside of your spouse. Be on alert to know when you need to press the brakes on any association that poses a threat to your marriage. And while praying to God that your spouse remains faithful to you, pray that the Lord will also help you stay true to your covenant of faithfulness.

Trusting God with Your Marriage

In conclusion, I will say this: if you want to maintain your peace of mind in marriage, put all the concerns of your marriage into God’s hands and trust Him to faithfully keep that which you have entrusted to Him. Then you can relieve yourself of any anxiety and enjoy abundant love in your marriage, knowing that it’s all in God’s hands. With God, there is no need for suspicions; your marriage is already affair-proofed.

Today’s post is the sixth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

 

 

The Covenant of Marriage – Why it’s More than a Contract.

 

Many couples say their marriage views with pride, love, and excitement. As the groom stands in front of the officiating minister, waiting for his bride to walk down the aisle, he is doing so with so much love and joy in his heart. Some even come up with teary eyes as they behold their beautiful bride walk up to them in the company of one of the parents, a close relative, or a mentor who will be giving the bride away in marriage.

The Marriage Vow Is a Covenant Agreement

And then the ceremony starts, the exchange of vows begins, and each couple is read their vows, and they repeat the words after the officiating minister, with agreement to do exactly as the vows they have spoken out say. And then the officiating minister asks the most important question of one’s life: do you take [insert name] as your lawfully wedded wife or husband, and the response from the couple is almost always “YES I DO.”

So that you will have a clear understanding of this, I will share a sample of the marriage vow/oath you swore to during your wedding ceremony.

Officiant:
Do you, [Name], take [Name] to be your lawfully wedded wife/husband, to live together according to God's ordinance in the holy estate of marriage?

Response:
I do.

Vow:
I, [Name], take you, [Name], to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part; according to God's holy ordinance, and thereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

The exchange of rings in marriage is a symbol of the union that is based on the vows and oath that were sworn to; and the marriage certificate is the legal document that legalizes the union that was based on the vows taken and oath sworn to. So, a marriage union is not based on the marriage certificate but on the vows taken and oath sworn to.

A person who has sworn an oath and taken a vow has consented to an agreement, which in turn makes it a covenant. So, in essence, a marriage is not a mere contractual event; it is a covenantal agreement in which both couples have promised each other a lifelong commitment, irrespective of harsh or good times.

What the Bible Says About the Marriage Covenant

As children of God, we will be acting in error if we think that marriage is just a business of convenience that we can walk away from when the conditions are not favorable. In Malachi 2:14, God expresses the significance of marriage as a covenant; He says He witnessed the exchange of vows you took on your wedding day, and He is holding you accountable to those vows.

Verse 13-14 says, “And this is the second thing you do: You cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and crying; so He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion, and wife by covenant.”

In the scripture above, God tells us the reason why He shuts down the prayers of His people. And now, we know that it is because we deal with the marriage covenant with simplicity rather than the attentiveness that it deserves.

A covenant is a binding promise that you cannot easily walk away from. That is why God will use it to illustrate His commitment to mankind. The marriage covenant is one that is not designed to be broken except for death. And so, every time God wants to illustrate His commitment to us, He calls us His bride. We are in a covenant relationship with God. 

Ephesians 5:22-31 gave us rules for marriage and used Christ and the church as a model because that is what a covenant is meant for. When an oath is sworn, as we do in marriage, we are bound by that oath or vow. Just as when God makes a covenant with us, and having nothing else to swear by, swears by His name, He is bound by that covenant.

With what has been established, it is important to start to view marriage with more seriousness than we used to. A man or woman who has sworn love in sickness and health, for richer and for poorer, for better and for worse, and fails to abide by this covenant commits a grave sin before God.

A man or woman who has pledged their faithfulness to their spouse enters a covenant of faithfulness. Anything short of faithfulness is a sin before the Lord. And so, we see God address this in Malachi 2:13-16. This is a sin that would not go unnoticed before the Lord, and so God warns us in verse 16 that we take heed in our spirit and not break the marriage covenant we have sworn to.

Marriage Is More Than a Transaction

It is important to state here that marriage is not a contract. When we speak of contracts, we reduce marriage to a mere transaction. It becomes a coming together for benefits rather than for service. And this is where many people get it all wrong.

This also explains why many people are quick to file for divorce when the benefit of coming together begins to wane. This also explains why a lot of people feel frustrated when there is an imbalance of attention and affection in the union.

The Lifelong Commitment of Marriage

Marriage is a commitment to serve unconditionally. It is a pledge and an oath sworn to that, in spite of harsh circumstances, loss of love and affection, financial downtime, loss of health and wealth, you are still bound to.

And so, lack of love does not terminate a marriage covenant. Unfaithfulness is not permitted in a marriage covenant because the oath sworn in a marriage covenant is an oath to forever faithfulness. And there is another striking pledge in a marriage covenant. It says to have and to hold.

What Does "To Have and To Hold" Really Mean?

The pledge “to have and to hold” is to bear with one another; to support each other. To hold each other up in times of a fall. To fulfill the words of Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 together. When you have each other, you help and support each other. When you hold each other, it means you protect each other. 

Your marriage was never meant to be a contract you can walk away from — it's a covenant. Learn how to live it out in God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage.

I do not know the origin of the marriage covenant that we keep swearing to in marriage, but I believe that we need to keep a deep understanding of the oath and vow we are committing to in marriage. A good grasp of this will help us understand marriage better and prevent the epidemic of divorce we have in the world today.

Why Choosing the Right Spouse Matters

But before we finish up on this topic, there are two important things I would love to highlight. The first is this: if marriage is a forever covenant that is binding and not just a contract, we cannot overemphasize the importance of being careful about how we make a choice of a spouse. 

A forever covenant, such as marriage, should not be made out of flirting emotions, physical appearance, societal pressure or on impulse. It is a covenant that the Lord stands to witness as you swear to that oath, and the Lord will hold you accountable to the oath that you have sworn to.

As children of God, we are created in His image and likeness. God, in whose image we are created, is a covenant-keeping God, and so we who are His children, created in His image and likeness, are supposed to be covenant-keeping children. That is the standard, that is the expectation. That is why God says He hates divorce.

So choosing a spouse requires that you pray and consult with God, and confirm with God with a strong conviction that the choice of a spouse that you are pledging your life and commitment to is God’s choice for you. This is because love will fade, body will age, wealth will wane, and if God is not at the center, the covenant will be a burden to keep.

Marriage Requires a One-Hundred Percent Commitment

The second thing we need to emphasize is that because marriage is not a contract, it is not a transaction. The expectation going into marriage is not a 50-50 agreement. It is you giving a 100 percent commitment to the vows you have made unconditionally.

When you made your vow in marriage, it didn’t come with terms and conditions. Introducing terms and conditions midway through any marriage is deceitful. The rules of marriage as laid by God are in Ephesians 5:22-31, and I have written about these rules in my blog titled “What Does the Bible Actually Say About Marriage Roles? (Ephesians 5 Explained).” These rules and roles are designed by God to help us fulfill with ease the vows we have made in marriage.   

These rules and roles are the only terms and conditions that are acceptable in marriage. They are neither drafted by either of the spouses nor any man, but they are written in the scriptures through the inspiration of God. These are rules given to couples by God.

Has Your Marriage Become a Contract Instead of a Covenant?

So, as I close, I want you to take a moment to re-evaluate your marriage. Have you drifted from the oath you swore at the beginning? Has your marriage begun to feel like a transaction more than a covenant? If so, then there is a need to go back to the drawing board and start to trust God to help you fulfill the covenant you made to your spouse at the beginning.

I agree that the dynamics may have changed. What you hoped for in marriage may not be your reality. It is because of you that I have been assigned to keep writing messages like this. God has you in mind, and He will help you get through it. Your marriage is still a covenant for you to fulfill, and God is available and ready to help you through the current challenges you are going through.

Marriage is not sustained by feelings alone. Feelings rise and fall, circumstances change, and seasons come and go. What sustains marriage is a covenant made before God and upheld through His grace. When we remember that marriage is a covenant rather than a contract, we begin to see our spouse, our commitment, and our responsibilities through God's eyes.

Today’s post is the fifth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Real Marriage. Real Struggles. What the Bible Says When You Want to Give Up

Quite a handful of people go into marriage only to discover that the reality is far from what was expected or anticipated. The man or woman they married has become a total stranger, different from whom they thought they knew and fell in love with.

The reality of the world and everything in it that God created is that they are all good. Genesis 1:31 tells us that after God had finished His creation work, “God saw everything He had made, and indeed it was very good.” So, we cannot question the goodness of the creation of God, because indeed everything is very good.

The marriage institution is also included in the creation of God, which is very good. A woman formed by God from the very good man He created, whom He gave to the man as his suitable helper, is nothing short of very good. So, marriage is a very good thing.

The Truth About Marriage: It Is Good, But Under Attack

But just like every good thing that God created, the marriage institution is constantly under attack. It had been under attack from the first marriage, and it is still under attack to this very moment. And so, we have real marriages faced with real struggles and real challenges.

I have yet to see a marriage that has not had to fight a battle of survival. Every marriage standing today, from a day-old marriage to a marriage of more than 70 years, has a story of survival embedded in it.  

Real Marriage Struggles Are More Common Than You Think

Some marriages have struggled for as flimsy an excuse as how the spouse presses a toothpaste when brushing their teeth. For some, it is snoring while sleeping; for others, it is that they don’t communicate well enough; yet for others, it is that one spouse drinks from the bottle while the other drinks from the glass. 

I have heard of a couple that divorced because the wife, who was married as a virgin, found sex painful and repulsive. The husband, who was not a virgin, found that irritating and became aggressive towards his wife because of her inexperience in bed.

We then move to situations where one spouse is financially better off, and the other begins to feel insecure. The home becomes tense, and the couple begins to walk on eggshells around each other. Or other scenarios where the couple who is more driven goal-wise sees the other as laid back and lazy.

These are some of the struggles that marriages go through, and I would not want to enter into talks about external influences in marriage or the deadly role that ungodly traditions play in the life and expectations of married couples.

These marriage struggles are real, and real people face them all the time. These examples are some of the irreconcilable differences that end up in divorce. These struggles do not know race or tribe; as long as a marriage exists, the devil is at hand to prove its fragility.

What God Says When You Feel Like Giving Up

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope.” In wondering what the word of God says at the point of you wanting to give up on your marriage struggles, this scripture says it all. God’s plan for your marriage does not tend towards failure, but peace, hope, and a future.

God didn’t just tell us His thoughts towards us; when it comes to our marriage, He gave us the road map to attaining peace, hope, and a future in marriage. This road map is what we find in Ephesians 5:22-29, 1 Peter 3:1-7, and Colossians 3:18-19. This road map is one that I explained in detail in my blog titled, “What Does the Bible Actually Say About Marriage Roles?”

But we find God’s mind for marriages in other scriptures, and the next one I want to highlight is Malachi 2:13-16. In this scripture, God addresses the men. He says they wonder why He no longer answers their prayers nor accepts their offering; He declares that it is because they have broken faith with the wife of their youth.

He went further to declare marriage as a covenant. If we know God well, we will know that God does not break covenants. If so, then His children who are formed and fashioned after His image and likeness should have no business breaking covenants. And so, He says, He hates divorce along with violence.

But the important thing to note is the warning that comes with His words. He says, “Take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.” This, in plain words, is God warning the man to be mindful within himself, and control his own spirit well enough not to deal treacherously with his wife.

The Root of Most Marital Conflicts

Many of the conflicts that eventually lead to struggles in marriage originate from pride, ego, selfishness, unforgiveness, revenge, and holding on to baseless traditions above the peace and health of the marriage. Jesus says in Matthew 19:8 that the reason why divorce exists as permitted by Moses and not God is because of the hardness of heart.  

What that tells me is that when hearts remain soft before God, the desire to walk away begins to lose its hold. When forgiveness reigns, pride and ego removed, husbands can love their wives as Christ loves the church, and the wives submit to their husbands as unto the Lord, then the victory of marital struggles is what they will enjoy.   

Fighting for unity in your marriage? "God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage" shows you how to build it, step by step.

The Power of Unity in Marriage

There is a lesson that I learned in my marriage, and I would love to share it here. In Matthew 18:20, Jesus says, “For where two or three are gathered in My Name, I am there in the midst of them.” So, when a husband and wife who are a unit of two gather in the name of Jesus, He is there in their midst.

The presence of Jesus in any gathering is a sure prosperity. So, there is prosperity in unity. Also, Ecclesiastes 4:9 tells us that, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor.” When you have a good reward for your labor, you prosper. This is another indicator that unity and prosperity go hand-in-hand.

Then in Genesis 11:6 says, “And the Lord said, ‘Indeed the people are one, and they all have one language, and this is what they begin to do; now nothing that they purpose to do will be withheld from them.” God says that when people are united, nothing they purpose to do will be impossible.

The secret item required for success and prosperity is unity. When this unity is between a man and his wife, not just one spouse will prosper, but both will excel. This prosperity is lost when conflict exists, and unity is lost.

The word of God never lies; no matter how good you think you are doing as a married person outside of agreement with your spouse, it remains a fraction of the success and prosperity you should be having if and when you are united with your spouse. Even when things seem to be working individually, God’s design shows that true fulfillment comes through unity. Along with this unity comes peace, love, and joy.

The Real Enemy in Your Marriage

John 10:10 tells us that the thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. From the beginning, the devil uses one major trick to achieve his aim of killing, stealing, and destroying, and that trick is deceit. He deceives couples to see themselves as enemies and steal away unity from their union, and ensures that prosperity is lost.

I would not deny that spouses hurt each other, some intentionally, some by errors in judgment and decisions. As long as there is no violence and concern for safety, there is a need to forgive each other and pray for one another. 

What You Should Do Instead of Giving Up

As a child of God, your battle is not against flesh and blood; as long as your spouse is still flesh and blood, your fight is not against them. Your fight is against principalities and powers and rulers of darkness in high places (Ephesians 6:12). You don’t fight your spouse; you fight the spirit behind what they do that hurts you.  

But most importantly, pray to God for a daily strategy on how to be a good spouse. God knows your spouse more than you can ever know, and when He leads you in that journey of marriage, you can be sure that you are on a ride of a beautiful marital experience. Don’t do marriage alone, do it with God.   

Pause and Reflect

• v What has been the biggest source of tension in your marriage?
• v Have you been fighting your spouse—or the real enemy?
• v What step can you take today toward unity?

Today’s post is the fourth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

Before You Say Yes: What Every Single Person Must Know About Marriage.

I have come to realize that many people say “yes” to marriage without truly understanding what they are saying yes to. Some marry for love. Some for pressure. Some for convenience. But very few are truly prepared for what marriage requires.

Why People Marry

Let me put this in context. One common reason why people marry is love. The belief is that love is a vital deciding factor for a marriage decision to be taken. At the same time, some marriages are forced due to situations such as pregnancy from pre-marital sex.  

Other reasons include marrying for comfort and money; some are forced into marriage by their parents or guardians, and some as a result of self-inflicted societal pressure. Their age pressures them, and what society will think of them as mature singles.

These are just some of the reasons I can think of from the top of my head right now, but I am sure there will be many more. Many have gone into marriages without being fully prepared for what lies ahead. For some, the reason for getting married takes over the marriage preparation mindset.

Marriage Is Not What You Think

I sincerely do not mean to scare you as you read this, but the first thing to note is that there are no two exact marriages, as there are no two exact individuals. So, you cannot base your expectations of marriage on the success or failure of another person’s marital experience.

I suppose this is a good place to start.   

Marriage is a journey of discovery, and if you are not prepared for the adventure, then it’s safe not to take the ride. And I have said it many times and would say it again, TRADITION is the greatest enemy of a successful marriage if the tradition is not based on the WORD of GOD.

If we have to talk about what every single person should know about marriage before saying yes, I think the first thing to look at is the choice of the person you are saying yes to. How did you arrive at the choice of that man or woman that you are about to commit the rest of your life to?

One very important thing I want to state here is that marriage is not a 50-50 partnership. I know that is what our tradition has conveniently impressed on us and has become the yardstick of a successful or failed marriage.

In truth, a successful marriage is all about the individuals in the marriage fulfilling to the utmost their God-assigned roles in marriage. We find these roles stated in Ephesians 5:22-29, Colossians 3:18-19, and 1 Peter 3:1-7, and I discussed them in detail in my blog post titled “What Does the Bible Really Say About Marriage Roles?” So, I’ll encourage you to read it.

Another tradition that runs contrary to the truth of the Bible is that the husband and wife are equal. This is what we have been taught, but that is not what the Bible says. Ephesians 5:23 tells us that the husband is the head of his wife, as Christ is the head of the church.

On the first hearing, this may sound unpleasant to a woman, but it feels like an empowerment to the man. But when we have a clear understanding of what this truly means, the man will know the magnitude of the responsibility attached to his leadership. Again, I will encourage you to read my post on “What Does the Bible Really Say About Marriage Roles?” for clear context.

With what has been discussed so far, you will agree with me that the decision of a life partner is not one to be taken casually, or under pressure, or based on flimsy reasons. God expects a wife to submit to her husband in all things, so choosing who you will submit the rest of your life to requires delicate care.

Also, for the husband, he is expected to lead his wife with unconditional love, service, and sacrifice just as Christ loves the church. Being a husband is not a lord and master privilege; it is a service, and it is important to choose with care the woman you want to serve. Because by God’s design, when you start, you are not expected to stop except for death.

Love Is Not Enough

Traditionally speaking, the major indicator of who to marry is that thing called love, but just a little time down the road, love fades, and the binding force loses its hold. The center can no longer hold, so everyone walks away on the basis of irreconcilable differences. The long story short, love is not enough to base the choice of a marriage partner on.

Many people enter marriage because they are in love, but love alone is not enough to sustain a lifelong commitment. The couples citing irreconcilable differences as a basis for separation were madly in love with each other at the time they both said, “Yes, I do.”

Choosing the Right Partner Matters

If love is not enough, then what would be enough? In answering this question, let us go back to the beginning, the story of the first marriage. Genesis 2:18-25 tells us how the institution of marriage came to be.

First, God noticed that the man He created needed help, and from that man He created the woman, and then brought her to the man, and she became his wife. This is the simple summary that is loaded with truth that we need to uncover.

The making of a wife was not an assignment for the man; it was an assignment for God. The man did not come to the realization that he was lacking in help and so fetched himself a wife. The conception, thought, and delivery of the product started and ended with God.

Marriage isn't 50-50 — it's God's design. Discover what your role really requires in God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage. Click the book or "Click for details" button below to get your copy.

God Must Be Involved in Your Choice

So if, as a man, you have reached a point of needing help, there first needs to be a discussion between you and God in prayer. Choosing a wife is not about the body shape of the lady or the flirting emotions of the man; it is a deliberate and strategic decision that should be overseen and approved by God.

This is important because there are no marriages without challenges. When God is the pacesetter of your decision, He also becomes the fighter of your battles as the devil tries to attack your marriage.

Learn from Biblical Examples

There are a couple of marriage stories in the Bible of men who made a choice of a wife without consulting God, and how the story played out. One such story is that of Samson in the book of Judges 14. He saw a woman and went to his parents to insist on marrying her. This woman ended up being a deceitful wife.

Even the great Jacob in Genesis 29-31 labored for 14 years to marry beautiful Rachel, who ended up being a selfish, deceitful woman, and also a thief and a liar who stole her father’s household idols and almost brought shame to her husband. 

Before You Say Yes…

No one is capable of truly knowing what is in the mind of another person except what the person chooses to reveal about themselves. The only One capable of knowing the intent of a man’s heart and knowing the future even now is God. To choose peace over chaos in marriage, let God lead you to His choice of a wife for you.

And this also goes for the wife-to-be. Before saying yes to the man who has captivated your heart, the important first step is to let God give you a confirmation of His approval. This man is the one you will submit the rest of your life to. He will lead you and cover you. You do not want to be led by the wrong head into a journey that is hard to walk away from.

Marriage Is Still Beautiful

But overall, marriage is a beautiful experience. I have been married for over 22 years, and I have experienced my fair share of challenges with no single regret. God has been in it with me all the way, and if there is another life to live, I will choose this path.

Today’s post is the third of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. I have a whole book on marriage titled “God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage.” It speaks a whole lot more about building a marriage that is strong, beautiful, and lasts a lifetime, with real-life stories of struggles in marriage and practical and biblical advice on how to deal with those struggles.

Click the book or "Click for details" button below to get your copy.

Why Christian Marriages Are Failing Today—And What the Bible Says About It

Christian marriages are not supposed to look like this. Yet today, many are filled with frustration, silence, doubt, and emotional distance. The shocking part? Even strong Christian homes are not spared. So what is really going wrong—and what does God actually say about it?

Why Marriages Are Struggling Today

If there is a time in history when the marriage institution is most threatened, I think it is now. The level of tolerance in marriage seems to be at an all-time low. Many factors have contributed to this, ranging from faulty traditional norms and unrealistic expectations when entering into marriage to the economic situation the world over.

But the sad part of it all is that Christian marriages are also not spared. We are tempted to assume that, as a Christian, the bar should be a little higher, but the reality is that Christians are also humans with the same color of blood running through their veins, and even more so, they are more prone to attacks from satan.

Even Christian Marriages Are Affected

A Christian marriage is a lot more under watch and scrutiny from the devil than the marriage of couples who do not identify as Christians. But other than demonic attacks, Christians are faced with the same harsh economic realities; they also pay bills to enjoy basic amenities, send children to school, buy groceries, and live in the same world as non-Christians.

The regular everyday living pressure added to demonic attacks puts a great deal of pressure on Christian marriages. But do we now say that Christians should not get married to avoid the struggles that come with it? Definitely not.

In my first blog post on the marriage series, I mentioned that marriage is one of the most beautiful things God created. And that is truthfully so. If God created marriage, and He made it beautiful, the first beneficiary of that beautiful entity God created should be His children—those He adopted through the perfect finished work of Jesus.

The last post discussed marriage roles based on the truth of the Bible—the roles of the husband and the wife in marriage. The understanding of these roles is the foundation of a successful marriage. If you have not seen it, I will encourage you to go and check it out.

Marriages struggle when we replace God’s laid-down roles for marriages with baseless traditions and norms. I have heard wives complaining about their husbands, while saying they are not doing the right thing. Some say that is not how a good husband should act or behave, but then you wonder who is setting the rules for a good husband, or what is the yardstick for measuring a good husband.

And the same goes for husbands, who, based on what they have seen in other homes and advice passed down to them by their ancestors, have concluded that their wives are not good enough. Stories from social media platforms that are grossly lacking in truth have also contributed to a great deal of these struggles in marriages.

The Hidden Influence of Social Media

I once heard the story of this couple whose marriage was on the verge of collapse just because the husband had seen multiple videos of men who claimed they had been raising children who were not their biological children, and these husbands never knew.

The continuous exposure to such content on social media platforms began to raise doubts about the paternity of his own children. The fear reached a melting point, and he accused his wife of infidelity with so much conviction without proof that it almost tore them apart.

The wife felt angry and betrayed that her husband could accuse her of such. Interestingly, the husband refused to do a DNA test for the children for fear that his doubt would be confirmed. The strain in the home was palpable. And they carried on like that for close to two years.

This was a strong Christian marriage. The wife was a praying woman. She wanted to get a divorce, but she held herself back from doing it. Over time, events came up that necessitated a paternity test before the children could partake of an important benefit that accrued to them through their father by law.

So, after two years, a DNA test was done, and all the children were confirmed to be biologically his. This is a true-life story and an example of why even Christian marriages struggle.

God, who is an all-knowing God, knew ahead of time that there would be a time such as this that the marriage institution that He created and is good would be under great threat, and we find in many scriptures in the Bible the mind of God when it comes to marriage.

Marriage isn't meant to be guessed at — it's meant to be guarded. Learn how in God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage. Click the book or "Click for details" button below to get your copy.

Guarding Your Heart Matters

Beginning with the story I just shared, Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” (NIV). The NKJV version says, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.”

There are a lot of things the Lord takes care of for us as His children, but there are also a lot of things that He teaches us to take care of by ourselves as our responsibility. The things you choose to believe, and the things you allow to control you, are listed under your own responsibility and not God’s.

What you expose yourself to is within your control, and that falls within your responsibility. Solomon says in the book of Proverbs to guard your hearts and do it ever so diligently. If what you hear will generate doubt, then stay away from it. If it will cause you pain, which will in turn cause pain to the one you love, it is safer to stay away. What you do not know does not hurt.

God indeed said in Hosea 4:6 that “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge,” but the knowledge God speaks of is the knowledge of His law—the knowledge of things that edify and promote, and not the knowledge of things that destroy. There is a difference between the two, and God expects that we choose what edifies us.

What God Says About Divorce

In Matthew 19:8, when Jesus was asked about the legitimacy of divorce permitted by Moses, He answered that Moses permitted divorce because the hearts of men were hard, but that in the beginning it was not so. What that says in plain text is that in all of God’s plan for marriage, and based on the truth that God is all-knowing, who knows the beginning from the end, He did not plan divorce into marriage. 

So, divorce is man-made, born out of the hardness of the heart of man, and it is not of God. And the same goes for baseless traditions and norms built into marriages, but that contradict the truth of the Bible. Another truth we should face is that for every marriage struggle, God will not permit divorce as a solution. Divorce is not of God, even though this may be hard to accept.

Malachi 2:16 tells us that God hates divorce. If that is true, what He hates will not be His best solution for your struggles in marriage. I have seen a handful of videos on social media of Christians saying that after praying, God told them to divorce. An example of such is not found in the Bible.

God loves a divorcee, but He hates divorce. A claim of God giving divorce as a solution to struggles in marriage is misleading and is only put out there as an income-generating content bait.

God’s Solution for Marriage

But there is a real and godly solution to marriage struggles found in God’s outlined roles in marriage. This truth is found in Ephesians 5:22-29. It’s a foundation for a successful marriage based on love and submission. This has been discussed and explained explicitly in my last post, so repeating it would not be necessary.

But what I want you to have as a takeaway from this post is that Christian marriages are most definitely under great attack, but even so, God has won the battle even before it began. As a child of God, you own the responsibility to guard your heart diligently.

Protect What God Has Given You

Protect the blessing that God has graciously given to you in your marriage. Proverbs 18:22 tells us that “he who finds a wife, finds what is good and obtains the favor of God.” Marriage is a good thing; it is a favor from God, and you should guard and keep it diligently.  

Today’s post is the second of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. I have a whole book on marriage titled “God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage.” It speaks a whole lot more about building a marriage that is strong, beautiful, and lasts a lifetime, with real-life stories of struggles in marriage and practical and biblical advice on how to deal with those struggles.

Click the book or "Click for details" button below to get your copy.

What Does the Bible Actually Say About Marriage Roles? (Ephesians 5 Explained)

Many marriages today are filled with silent frustration. Some wives feel unloved, unseen, and emotionally drained. Some husbands feel disrespected, rejected, and stripped of their authority. And in the middle of all this confusion, one question keeps coming up: Did God really design marriage this way?

I know that some people may not agree to this, but marriage is one of the most beautiful things created by God. Not that marriage is without its challenges, but the truth is, when marriage is pursued in the way and manner in which God designed it, then what we see as challenges of marriage are situations that God had provided for as He was designing the marriage institution at the very beginning.

The Reality of Marriage Today

When we try to look at some of the challenging situations facing marriages today, most of the complaints of wives are that they do not feel loved and appreciated; they feel invisible in their own home; some feel afraid of their husbands; they feel suppressed and drained of their self-esteem and worth, and others say they feel like slaves in their homes. The sum of all these is that these women feel drained of love.

Then, coming to the men, some of the complaints are that their wives make them feel less than men. They don’t feel respected by their wives. They complain of their wives being stubborn and unwilling to take instructions. Their ego is bruised, and their authority in the home is undermined and continuously challenged. And this gets worse when a man is financially incapable of meeting his financial obligations to his family.

But as I said, all of these are issues that God had anticipated and prepared for when He instituted marriage at the beginning. In order to understand marriage roles and what can practically help married couples overcome a lot of these issues mentioned above, we need to go back to the Bible.

What the Bible Says About Marriage Roles

When addressing roles in marriage, I noticed that every scripture that I have encountered addressed the wives first. In Ephesians 5:22-31, 1 Peter 3:1-7, and Colossians 3:18-19, it all appears in the same order. The wife is the first to be mentioned in the Bible, as it addresses the issue of roles in marriage.

I suppose this speaks to a truth that a wife is the home builder of every marriage. Proverbs 14:1 tells us that a wise woman builds her home. But going back to the issue of roles, Ephesians 5:22-24 says, the wife should submit to her husband as to the Lord. The scripture goes on to say that the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church, and just as the church is subject to Christ, so is a wife subject to her husband.

Understanding Submission (What It Really Means)

This scripture feels like a wife is a subordinate when it is read without understanding. But it is not so. This is my own understanding of this matter; as a wife, having a husband is like God giving you a physical caregiver. Someone in human form, just like you, to take care of you. And He likened that relationship to what Jesus has for the church. So, as a wife, you are not designed to be a subordinate; you are designed to be loved.

If someone has been assigned to take care of you and you do not submit to such a person or take instructions from such a person, his ability to fulfill his responsibility to you is obstructed. Your inability to yield to his authority is a hindrance to him from doing what God has assigned him to do in your life. So, with this understanding, God addresses the wife first.

With this understanding, I am discovering that there is a benefit to submission in marriage. In many healthy marriages, wives who understand submission as God designed and abide by it often experience deeper peace and harmony.

Not lord and subordinate — a covering and a home builder. See what God's design for marriage roles really looks like in God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage. Click the book or "Click for details" button below to get your copy.

Submission Is Not Suppression

But before going ahead to talk about the role of men in marriage, I need to clarify some things about submission in marriage. Submission is not suppression. It is true that as a wife, you are subject to your husband and you should yield to his authority over your life, but you should not lose your self-worth and self-identity doing so.

I was watching some YouTube Shorts yesterday, and I came across a podcast that resonated with me and has lived in my head since I watched it. The speaker said the Holy Spirit told her that if her husband is a narcissist, then she is an idol worshipper. A narcissist will only thrive when there is someone who worships him.

Now, it is important to state at this point that submission in marriage does not mean that your husband should be worshipped. You can submit to your husband without worshipping him. You should only worship God and no other. When your husband becomes your source of validation, and your whole life is all about pleasing him and getting validated by him, then that is no longer submission but worship.

My Personal Journey with Submission

About a year into my marriage, I started feeling less loved and very invisible in my home; my opinion didn’t matter, and I felt unseen, unheard, and drained of self-worth. I was frustrated, and I prayed for a divorce. I loved God and knew that I couldn’t take a walk out of my marriage without His consent. 

God didn’t give me the go-ahead to divorce; His words to me were to submit to my husband as unto the Lord. It was hard, but I learned submission. I learned the difference between submission and respect. And over time, I began to see positive changes in my marriage.

But in the years after that, things began to spiral down again. It was as though nothing had changed, even though there had been a prior positive shift. It appeared the progress made was reversed. This second time, I was not praying to God; I was worshipping Him. I worshipped God in praise to the point of getting soaked in tears.

When Submission Becomes Unhealthy

That process brought me to a realization of what I had pointed out earlier. I had turned submission to my husband into worshipping him. He became my source of validation, and I always wanted to please him, and that was draining me because the goalpost kept shifting.

And what I got in return was what I had hated and prayed against. I felt unseen and unheard all over again. God opened my mind and redirected me to Himself. It took me another long season of building my own self-worth, expecting zero validation from my husband, without violating the submission rule. I remained under the leadership of my husband, but I developed myself.

 I took time to build value in myself with the help of God. I took instructions from my husband, but I ran all my decisions through God. I prayed over everything and listened for God’s voice in all that I do. The result is more respect from my husband. He has now placed more trust in my decisions and opinions, while I still submit to him as his wife.

The Role of the Husband: Love Like Christ

Now, let’s head to the more serious role, which is the role of a husband in marriage. Ephesians 5:25-29 speaks in clear terms of the role of the husband in marriage. He is to love his wife just in the manner in which Christ loves the church.

In understanding this better, God gave Christ as a sample model of what He expects in a husband. A husband is responsible for the care of his wife as much as he is responsible for the care of his own body.

He is responsible for the cleansing and sanctification of his wife just as Christ is for the church. He is head over his wife, not as a lord over her, but as a covering. He is not to punish his wife to submission, but to love her to submission, giving himself up for her, in the manner in which Christ did for the church.

The husband is the head of his wife, but he is not lord over her to be worshipped. The pattern of leadership modeled by Christ for the husband is a leadership through love, sacrifice, and service. And this is why Malachi 2:16 tells us that God hates a man who covers himself with violence as with his garment.

The responsibility placed by God on a husband is important and delicate. It is a role in marriage that involves selflessness, sacrifice, service, and a deep and unconditional love. A man who is not ready for this huge role should not venture into marriage. The love that carries a marriage through is not flirting and surrounded by terms and conditions. It is sacrificial and forever giving.

It is a love that teaches with patience and endurance. This love needs to keep proving its worth tirelessly until the goal of submission is reached and sustained. And after submission is reached, it does not become aggressive and arrogant. It is a love that cares and shows respect for the one it cares for.

A husband is not called to control—he is called to sacrifice. Not to dominate—but to serve.

Not to demand submission—but to inspire it through love.

God’s Design for a Balanced Marriage

These are the God-ordained roles in marriage. The wife is to submit to her husband as unto the Lord, and the husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. It is true to say that this is the basis of every successful marriage. A deep understanding of these requirements of marriage does not just make marriage successful, but it also wins the war against every challenge that a marriage may encounter.

Today’s post is the first of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. I have a whole book on marriage titled “God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage.” It speaks a whole lot more about building a marriage that is strong, beautiful, and lasts a lifetime, with real-life stories of struggles in marriage and practical and biblical advice on how to deal with those struggles.

Click the book or "Click for details" button below to get your copy.