Communication Problems in Marriage: Causes and How to Fix Them

There is a proverb that says, “Familiarity breeds contempt,” and simple as this may be, familiarity is one of the silent killers of marriage if we are not careful to pay close attention to it. Couples get so familiar with one another and then begin to take each other for granted, and then a loss of respect for each other creeps in.

With time, they begin to lose value for each other, and this loss of value is evident in the way they communicate with one another. They begin to throw piercing words at each other, and verbal abuse begins to surface. And I will tell you that verbal abuse is as emotionally damaging as physical abuse is to the body.

In today’s blog, I want to discuss the issue of communication and conflict in marriages. Still, I am most interested in the root cause of negative communication and conflict in marriage.

When Familiarity Begins to Affect Communication in Marriage

It is common knowledge that when you are so close to someone for a very long time, chances are that you will get very familiar with that person, and the probability of taking that person for granted is high. When they are supposed to come first, they come last, with you telling yourself that such a person would understand.

And this even gets worse if, for any reason, you perceive that the person isn’t adding much value to you. Let’s take an example of an executive director of a multinational firm whose wife is a stay-at-home mum. To such a man, the probability of him taking his wife for granted is high if his measure of the value of the wife’s contribution to the home is quantitative.

For a man like that, if she is not contributing in monetary value, she might be considered not contributing at all. The familiarity they share, along with his inability to see the value of her contribution, will cause him to take her for granted and erode the respect he has for her. His lack of respect begins to show in his communication with her, causing verbal abuse and conflict.

The Connection Between Value, Respect, and Communication

Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” This is one of my focus scriptures when I consider the issue of communication in marriage. I hold on to the fact that what to say, when to say it, and how to say it matter a lot when dealing with communication in marriage.

But in the course of writing this blog, the Lord is taking it deeper for me. One truth is that there is a correlation between the value you place on your spouse and the way you communicate with them. When you hold your spouse in high esteem, you care about their feelings, and in turn you pay attention to how you communicate with them.

So, what I am learning and sharing is that there is a chance that the way your spouse values you may have a quiet impact on the way they communicate with you. The value your spouse places on you impacts the level of respect they have for you, and the way they respect you impacts the way they communicate with you.

If your spouse respects you, they will speak with you respectfully, and vice versa. Now, for those who are having communication issues in their marriage, one thing to consider is the level of respect your spouse has for you.

I strongly believe that the level of value your spouse has for you determines the level of respect you get from them, and this shows in the way they communicate with you. I know there will be little bouts of conflict, but the respect they have for you often makes the conflicts short-lived.   

How Do You Restore Value and Respect in Your Marriage?

So that brings me to the thought: how do you make your spouse value you? The value and respect your spouse gives you cannot be demanded or forced, or it will not be genuine. This is something you earn based on what you offer them.

To explain my thought properly, I want to use an illustration that I hope will help me get this across effectively. When you give someone a gift they don’t need, no matter how expensive that gift is, if it does not meet a need, it is not valued.

When you give a gift that is highly needed, even if it does not cost much, such a gift is genuinely appreciated, and the one who has been gifted the item would most likely hold the giver of the gift in high honor and respect.

So, one of the easiest ways to earn the respect and value of your spouse is to meet an important need in their lives. When you have positioned yourself as an indispensable and invaluable part of their lives, you become respected and spoken to with respect.

But there is a caveat to this assumption: a spouse may be trying their best to position themselves as an invaluable part of their spouse’s life but still not meet the mark. And this is where prayer becomes very important.

Earlier, I shared an illustration of giving an expensive gift that is not needed. A lot of times we assume we know what our spouses need, but if they have not told us, “This is what I want from you,” what you think you know is still an assumption with margins of error.

But when you pray and follow the leading of the Lord, He will lead you straight to the center of your spouse’s heart and teach you what to do and how to position yourself as an invaluable component of their life.

God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — discover God’s principles for restoring value and respect, communicating with love, and building a marriage where both spouses feel seen, appreciated, and deeply valued.

How God Changed Communication in My Own Marriage

Communication in my marriage was an issue I dealt with for a long time. I am a stay-at-home mum, and this has been so for 85% of the time in my nearly 23 years of marriage. I take care of the house diligently, manage our four children, and do the household chores, but these are activities that my husband cannot quantify in figures and, as such, concluded I was not bringing any value to the home.

This eroded a large chunk of the respect he had for me and the way we communicated. My self-esteem was at its lowest. And I honestly contemplated a divorce because I was tired of putting up with the disrespect.

And the honest truth was that my husband didn’t realize he was doing anything wrong. But I took my hurt to God and allowed Him to lead me. The first thing I discovered was that I found myself taking an interest in online courses. 

I quietly began to take my career seriously and began to grow myself. This was not me waiting for my husband to value me, but allowing God to teach me to pour value into myself. I began to take certification exams and started growing.

The moment my husband noticed that I was taking all these courses, his perception of me started to shift. I took courses in business analysis and moved towards web development. I started learning programming languages and how to code. And even though I am still a stay-at-home mum, the way my husband sees me and respects me has improved greatly.

I would not miss the fact that, by divine grace, he got a job relocation to another country while the children and I live in another country, and he found himself having to do the household chores all by himself. This made him appreciative of the things I was doing for him that he took for granted.

We are in a better place in our marriage now, and we share strong respect for each other. I am not removing the bouts of conflict, but because of the value and respect we have for each other, we are quick to apologize. Now, my husband does not mind saying sorry when he is wrong. He even apologized for taking me for granted in the past years.

What to Do When Your Spouse No Longer Recognizes Your Value

Although I will not generalize this assumption, I would rather say that the first place to begin tackling a communication problem in a marriage is the place of weighing the value you place on your spouse. Have you gotten so familiar with your spouse that you begin to take them for granted?

If you believe that your spouse is beginning to communicate with you in a disrespectful manner, the solution is not to fight them, nor is it to demand respect. Let’s begin to seek the solution from a place of prayer.

It is so very possible that you are doing so much that your spouse is yet to appreciate, just because they are yet to put a value to it. In some cases, they get so familiar with you taking care of that concern that they begin to take it for granted and lose its value.

That is a problem you cannot solve on your own; that is an assignment for God to handle. This is because you cannot force your spouse to appreciate your contribution if they have yet to see its value. It’s only God who can restore such lost value and make them appreciate your efforts again.

Let God Lead You into Personal Growth

The second thing I would encourage you to do is to continue building yourself with the help of God. Your spouse may fail to recognize your value, but that should never stop you from growing. Allow God to show you the areas where you need to develop, not merely to earn your spouse’s approval, but to become everything He has called you to be.

Achieving this does not necessarily mean throwing yourself cheaply at the beck and call of your spouse. Doing that devalues you more. The answer is to go to God for a strategy on how you can improve yourself in the area of need of your spouse that will make you an invaluable component of their life.

Sometimes this does not require you to do more for your spouse, but to do more for yourself and improve your self-worth and self-esteem to the point that you begin to earn their respect. People value what they need, and they respect what they value. So, becoming who they need makes your spouse respect you more and communicate with you with respect.

Doing this achieves two important goals. You become a better you in the long run and achieve the goal of earning the respect of your spouse without conflicts or negative drama in the home.

And in this pursuit, your strategy is not arrogance or vengeance. It is doing what you are doing in love and humility. In working towards a better marriage, you should never neglect your God-given role in that marriage. The wife submits to her husband as unto the Lord, and the husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church.

Today’s post is the eleventh of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: What the Bible Says and Why It Matters

The way we brush away the issue of intimacy in marriage as something not to be spoken about openly is very interesting. It is often assumed that sex is not a thing to be discussed openly by Christians. It is viewed as a dirty topic and can only be addressed privately in the secrecy of the couple's bedroom.

Why Christians Need to Talk About Sexual Intimacy

But while we shy away from this vital aspect of marriage, this issue is breaking some homes. I have heard of a true-life story of a couple who divorced because the wife claimed her husband was not satisfying her intimacy demands.

Now, that is not a case in isolation, as I know another couple who had a very messy breakup, and the underlying problem was the wife not being experienced enough to meet the sexual demands of her husband.

These two were always fighting. The wife was in her mid-thirties when she got married, and she was a virgin. Due to the maturity of her body and her celibacy, her first attempt at sex after getting married was not an interesting one. It was a painful attempt.  A couple more attempts were not any better.

Unfortunately, her husband was not a good communicator, with high hopes and expectations that turned into disappointment, irritation, and aggression. The wife assumed there were demonic attacks on her marriage, as she could not understand what about her was pissing her husband off.

She prayed, and prayed, and eventually sought shelter for safety when irritation and aggression turned into physical abuse. She walked out of her home and back to her parents without truly knowing what was wrong with the man she was married to.

There were several interventions from the wife's and husband's parents, and when all attempts to patch things up between them failed, as the husband insisted he was done, he filed for a divorce, and they went their separate ways.

When the Real Problem Is a Lack of Communication

I met the husband for the first time about 6 years after the divorce, when he reached out to me after reading some of my blog articles. We got talking, and he told me about his divorce. I was curious, as I never wanted to hear of couples divorcing. I asked many questions and even requested to speak to his ex-wife, with the hope of igniting a reconciliation.

In the course of talking to this couple, they told me many things that didn’t add up, but the man kept nagging about the fact that the wife didn’t like sex. The fact that he kept repeating it told me more than he admitted, and I confronted him about it.

It was when I stayed on the issue of his sex life in our discussion that he admitted that it was a big issue for him. But what beat my imagination was that he never complained about it to his wife. When I asked him why he never addressed the issue with his wife, his response was that she was supposed to know.

What killed that marriage was not just the fact that sex was a problem, but communication about sex was the main killer. The only way this Christian husband was able to communicate his demands to his wife when it related to sex was to buy her books about sex and nothing more. In his world, she was supposed to understand what the books were for.

I have just shared two true-life situations where the marriage was broken solely because of a problem with intimacy in those marriages. And these are not cases in isolation. Problems with intimacy in marriage form part of the irreconcilable differences used as reasons for divorce. Calling it irreconcilable differences is just not wanting to say the real issue out loud.

While sexual intimacy should not be the main reason for couples to go into marriage, it is a very important part of a marriage union. Intimacy is one of the physical displays of love that promotes oneness in marriage. It encourages affection and helps the bond of togetherness in marriage stay strong.

What Does the Bible Say About Sexual Intimacy in Marriage?

But it is interesting to note that the issue of intimacy in marriage was not left out of the Bible. 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 says, “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

If this topic of sexual intimacy is discussed in the Bible, then that tells us that it is a matter that should be addressed strongly. When intimacy disappears and is left unaddressed, an important part of the marital bond can begin to suffer. Though intimacy is not the first thing in marriage, it is a strong lifeline of a good marriage.

It is a bonding gift from God to the married couple that should be enjoyed by both partners. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that the husband and wife should not deprive one another of this good gift except for mutual consent and for a short time.

While I cannot explicitly give guidelines about intimacy in marriage, one truth needs to be emphasized. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:4 that the wife does not have authority over her body, but her husband does, and likewise the husband does not have authority over his body, but his wife does.

But this scripture should not be misread. The scripture does not encourage an entitlement mentality or coercion or aggression when it comes to the issue of intimacy in marriage. Intimacy is a display of love that should be earned. Intimacy is not an act that should be forced.

God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — discover God’s principles for building deeper intimacy, communicating with love, and nurturing the closeness and oneness He designed marriage to enjoy.

When the Real Problem Is a Lack of Communication

Intimacy in marriage, as designed by God, is for the good of the husband and the wife. It should be a thing of pleasure and love. But for some women, the first experience of sexual intimacy can involve discomfort or pain, which makes patience, communication, gentleness, and understanding especially important. And this is the downside of the story I shared earlier.

But that is not meant to be a problem when a married couple learns to communicate openly, with understanding and love as they navigate new terrains of their marriage. There is always a first time for every experience, and this precious issue should be handled with love and care.

Sexual Intimacy Is About More Than Sex

Two things I want to mention just as I close this discussion are that sexual intimacy plays a very significant and beneficial role in marriage, but it can also be abused. In the next few paragraphs, I will explain why I say this.

The dictionary meaning of intimacy is closeness; one of the meanings of closeness, when viewed in the context of a relationship, is affection. And the last thing I found is that closeness is “the quality of being done in an attentive and thorough way”.

So intimacy in marriage means closeness, affection, attention, and thoroughness. I want to believe deep in my heart that all of these beautiful attributes are qualities the Lord had in mind when He added sexual intimacy to marriage.  

This is beyond procreation; it is beyond reproduction; those are just the fruits of the gift of sexual intimacy. But at the core of this act are closeness, affection, attention, and thoroughness. The couple pays attention to the needs of one another in an affectionate and thorough manner.

That is what God wants; that is why He made them bone of bones and flesh of flesh to one another. I have come to realize, maybe with a few exceptions, that couples cannot stay angry with each other after an act of sexual intimacy. If they had issues or disagreements, sexual intimacy tends to dissolve the problem easily.

When Intimacy Becomes a Weapon in Marriage

But there is also the issue of weaponizing sexual intimacy in marriage. We have cases of a husband or wife depriving their spouse simply because there is a disagreement. This is very wrong, and that is why Paul called it out in 1 Corinthians 7:5.

By virtue of the fact that you people are married, based on God’s definition found in Genesis 2:23 and in Matthew 19:6, Jesus says they are no longer two but one. On the basis of these scriptures, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:4 that a woman's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband, and likewise, a man’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

And this is so because the Lord intends that the body be a vessel of sexual intimacy, fostering love, closeness, affection, and attention, and not to be used as a weapon of war in marriage. And this underscores the importance of a man taking care of his wife’s body because that body belongs to him also, and vice versa.

Physically abusing your spouse’s body is physically abusing yourself. You may not feel the physical pain, but the Lord will hold you accountable spiritually. Like the story I shared earlier, you cannot physically abuse your spouse’s body and still expect that same body to serve your sexual needs. What you take care of will serve you well, and what you disdain will repel you.

Building a Marriage of Closeness, Affection and Care

Like every other aspect of marriage, the intimacy part of it is very important and should be taken care of diligently. I agree that stress and fatigue may create bottlenecks in sexual intimacy, but we should not allow them to create a bottleneck in other aspects of intimacy.

Personal hygiene that makes intimacy attractive should also be a daily lifestyle. These are spices that make marriages a beautiful and holistic experience, just like God intended it to be.

Today’s post is the tenth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

How to Protect Your Marriage From Outside Influence

In the first few weeks of my marriage, I noticed that whenever my husband and I returned home from work, my husband would drop me off at home, change into more relaxed clothing, and go out again while I prepared dinner. Oftentimes, I would have to wait for him to return home before eating my dinner. Calling him to say dinner was ready was a battle in itself.

When I eventually had him come home, his excuse was always that he was playing the game of Ludo with the neighbors. I thought of what to do to make him stay home with me more, instead of always going out. So, I called my sister to help me get a Ludo game from my mom, from the leftovers of the many Ludo games shared at my wedding as souvenirs by one of our relatives.

The plan was that my sister would bring the Ludo game to work, and I could get it from her at work, because our offices were close to each other. My father heard about my plan and called me to give me advice on how to make my husband stay home more.

Why I Chose to Protect My Marriage From Outside Influence

On the surface, this would have been advice to listen to, but I was quick to decline his intervention in my marriage. And 22 years later, I am still of the mindset that the only source of counsel that I want for my marriage is the voice of God and not that of any man. This is not that I do not honor my father; I will take his advice for other things, but not for my marriage.

One thing that I knew was that my father would not give me unbiased advice. I am his daughter first, and he is inclined to want to protect me even against my husband. When we were courting, that would have been very okay because I was still under his leadership. But in marriage, the dynamics had changed.

Marriage Changes the Boundaries With Family

Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” And Matthew 19:4-5 says, “And He answered and said to them, ‘Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’”?

My truth is that I do not need protection from my husband because my husband and I are supposed to be one flesh. Before marriage, we were two individuals, and I could be protected from him. But when marriage sets in, we stop being two separate entities and become one flesh.

Genesis 2:23 says, "We have now become bone of bones and flesh of flesh with one another.” And this understanding has been part of the protection my marriage has enjoyed from external influence for more than 22 years of its existence.  

What Works in One Marriage May Not Work in Another

One of the reasons why I deliberately ward off external interference from my marriage is that humans are peculiar and unique. And so, every marriage is peculiar and unique. No two marriages are identical, so a solution that may work for you does not necessarily mean it will work for me.

The strategy that applies to you may not apply to me. The grace for implementation may differ. The temperament of our spouses differs; their foundation and upbringing differ; their viewpoint on issues differs. So, if I implement advice given to me by a third party and it fails, I am accountable for the outcome, and I bear the consequences afterward. The one who gave me the advice has nothing to lose.

Seek God First When Your Marriage Is in Trouble

So, when I need to solve a problem in my marriage, which is always the case every now and then, I go directly to God. I pray to the Lord over the issue. And God always shows up. He always solves my problems for me. He intervenes and gives me divine strategies that have never failed.  

The primary source of counsel for my marriage has been the Word of God. Every time I run to God for direction when the road seems rough, He speaks to me and confirms it with His word. As a human who feels hurt oftentimes and wants to take matters into my own hands, His word has been a timely caution for me.

So, like every person who is married, this journey is one I have never taken before, and there are bumps on the way. Disagreements happen; misunderstandings happen; my husband and I do not align all the time; and sometimes the love grows very cold.

I have realized that when you share your experience with other people, you find common ground in those shared experiences. But the honest truth is that the approach needed or applied in dealing with these issues will differ. It may be the one going through the experience or the spouse who is the architect of the experience that is different from one scenario to the other. So, strategies will differ.

God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — discover God’s principles for navigating marriage with wisdom, protecting your covenant, and building a relationship that can withstand the pressures around it.

When You Need Marriage Advice, Choose Your Counsel Carefully

That being said, I am not ruling out the need to seek advice when needed, even in your marriage. My own approach is not a general rule, and it is also subject to one’s level of maturity as a child of God and in the issues of life. So, sometimes you will need to seek advice; you will need to seek counsel when you are so confused and emotionally down that it becomes difficult to hear from God.

There are times you will be so emotionally heavy that all you want to do is pour your heart out to someone, and because your spouse is the person causing the heaviness in your heart, they become the most unlikely person you want to unburden to.

This is the point at which you are most vulnerable, and unburdening your heart to the wrong person will be wrong for you. It is very okay to seek counsel, but it is not okay to seek counsel from the wrong person. And this is where care is needed. The person you will trust with the challenges of your marriage, other than God, needs to be chosen with great care.

Your most trusted confidant when it comes to the delicate issues of your marriage does not have to be a family member or a pastor. It does not have to be your parents or your siblings. But in wisdom, you need to choose someone who is mature and experienced in what you may be going through and who loves you enough to tell you the honest truth, even when it hurts.

Not Everyone Who Loves You Can Give You Unbiased Advice

Some people think that confiding in their family members is the safest thing to do, even though your parents may be mature in experience. Sometimes, the people who love you most can love you away from the truth.

They do not qualify as unbiased counsel. So, in cases where you are in the wrong, you may lose the opportunity to hear it as it is. In some cases, they even live in denial that you could be the one in the wrong.

You also find some other categories of people who give you very wrong advice. They tell you to do what they would never do in their own homes and marriages. Some of this advice feels so on point that the anger and vulnerability at the time will prevent you from seeing the huge red flags in the advice.

Some People Will Give You Advice They Would Never Follow

I had one such experience within the first 7 years of my marriage. My husband had continuously done something that hurt me, and addressing it with him would always result in fights. I got to talk with one of his relatives one day and opened up to her about my pain. My thought was that she would be objective enough to counsel me.

Honestly, she told me all I wanted to hear and emboldened me to stand my ground and not take any rubbish from my husband. By the end of our conversation, I was charged up and poised to confront my husband and tell him enough was enough. And that was exactly what I went back home to do. I stood my ground, and the situation just grew worse.

Then, after a couple of months, I went back to visit this relative for a completely different reason, nothing to do with my marriage at all. What I found in her home showed me how stupid I had been. The person who had advised that I stand my ground a couple of months earlier was displaying a great deal of reverence for her own husband. More like worshipping the ground he walked on.

That was another wake-up call for me and a huge brain reset. That day was the last time I ever said anything regarding my experience in my marriage to that woman. When I sat down to rethink the whole situation, I realized she had no blame and would face no consequences for whatever happened in my marriage.

It was not her responsibility to guide and guard my marriage for me. Shielding my marriage from influences like hers was my assignment and no one else’s. The joy of my marriage is mine to enjoy, and the pain of my marriage is mine to fix.

A lot of people have advised others to get a divorce over situations that can easily be fixed, while they remain in their own marriages, enduring worse things. I am not speaking here about abuse, violence, or situations in which someone's safety is at risk. Those require appropriate help and intervention.

Guard Your Marriage and Protect Your Privacy

As I conclude this blog message, I encourage you who are reading this first to learn to hear from God. The best source of advice and strategy that you need to navigate the journey of marriage successfully comes from God. When hearing from God is difficult for you, find the strength to pray that God will direct His vessel in human form to you, who will be a mouthpiece for God in your life.

Be careful who you allow access into your space. Choose your friends wisely and prayerfully. Choose with care the information that you give away to those around you. There is no point in sharing your vulnerable information with those who do not possess the ability to solve your problems.

Make your story a need-to-know private matter. Both your wins are yours to celebrate, and your losses are yours to learn from and fix. If they don’t need to know, then they don’t have to know, and you should not be apologetic about private information. Your marriage is your private information. 

Today’s post is the ninth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

4 Biblical Principles of Marriage that Actually Work

When you apply Godly principles based on the truth of the Bible to any aspect of your life, there is only one possible outcome, and that is success. I say this because God is forever faithful to His promises. He makes all things beautiful in His set appropriate time, and with Him, all things are possible, and He is the master strategist.

Here is a question that is quick to come to mind when observing marriages today: Why do some marriages flourish while others slowly fall apart, even when both couples begin with good intentions? There is a lot of marriage advice flying everywhere in our world today.

You find women advised not to get too ambitious, so as not to scare their potential husbands away. Some say, in marriage, you need to speak and not die in silence. And men are advised against ambitious women who cannot be controlled in their marriage.  

Interestingly, this diverse and erroneous advice only shortchanges those who accept and apply it. Proverbs 19:21says, "There are many plans in a man's heart, nevertheless the Lord's counsel—that will stand." Some people would have missed out on a good spouse just because they took the wrong advice.  

Why God's Design for Marriage Always Works   

The two most critical Biblical marriage principles that are proven to work effectively in marriages are found in Ephesians 5:22-31. What you will find in this scripture is the instruction to the wives to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord, and for the husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church.

As simple as these principles may seem, they are proven to be the most disobeyed. Yet they are the basis of every truly successful marriage. A lack of understanding of these principles has led to their abuse, which has, in turn, led to the fallout in many marriages.

I discussed these principles in great length in my very first blog post of this series titled “What does the Bible actually say about marriage roles?” I cannot overemphasize the fact that submission in marriage is not suppression. A woman who feels she has to fight for her place in marriage did not understand her purpose in marriage to begin with, because marriage is not a union you go into to fight.

Principle One: Submission as an Act of Worship

A woman who submits to her husband in reverence to God, ensuring obedience to God through submission to her husband, already secures her place in that marriage. This is because when her obedience is complete, God will deal with every disobedience in her life (2 Corinthians 10:6). 

But more importantly, God did not instruct the wife to submit to her husband because she is inferior to her husband or that she is his subordinate. It's because submission gives the husband more room to love his wife like Christ loves the church. Jesus loves the church, and the church submits to Jesus. Yet we are all joint heirs with Christ Jesus (Romans 8:17).

So the first Biblical principle of marriage that is proven to work is submission on the part of the wife as unto the Lord. The second principle is also found in Ephesians 5:25-29. It is the principle of unconditional love from a husband to his wife in the manner in which Christ loves the church.

Principle Two: Love Without Conditions

What God demands of a man in principle number two is deeper than most men understand it to be. I say this because a lot of men attach conditions to the love they have and give to their wives, and that is far from the manner in which Christ loves the church.

Sadly, there are men who have entered into marriage solely because of what they perceive as benefits from the woman they are getting married to. Once the benefits expire, the love dies, and they are on to the next woman.

For them, marriage is not a commitment; it is a transaction. And once the proceeds are not adding up, the wife becomes an irritant, a burden, and they are only staying for fear of legal actions. But that is not what marriage is designed to be.

A man who cannot love his wife for better and for worse will do himself and the woman he is planning to tie down a lot of good by walking away before the vows are taken and the oath is sworn. A husband should be the physical display of God’s unconditional love for the woman he is marrying. He is on assignment for God to love that woman like God loves her and nothing less.

If these two principles are lived with a hundred percent commitment in any marriage, there is no doubt that such a marriage will be a resounding success. When a husband loves sacrificially, and a wife responds in reverence to God, something beautiful begins to emerge: unity. And that leads me to the third principle.

God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — a step-by-step guide to living out the four Biblical principles that actually make a marriage strong enough to last.

Principle Three: Build a Marriage Marked by Unity

Matthew 18:19 reads, “Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.” The third Biblical principle of marriage that works is the principle of unity in marriage. What other two can come together and agree that can be as effective as the coming together of a husband and his wife?

Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, “Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor.” Verses 10-12 elaborate on this and show us more about the benefits of why two are better than one. What unity in marriage guarantees is prosperity. When there is oneness of mind, purpose, and goals, the doors of breakthrough begin to open.

Genesis 11:6 reads, “And the Lord said, 'Indeed the people are one, and they all have one language, and this is what they begin to do; now nothing that they purpose to do will be withheld from them.” This scripture confirms to us that once there is a unity of mind, purpose, and goal, then nothing purposed by a united force of a husband and wife will be withheld from them. And if this united couple has God in the center of that union, it makes the possibility of achievement stronger.

But unity in marriage does not just come. It is cultivated; it is built with determination and resilience. Because in truth, there will be differences in opinions, views, values, and sometimes beliefs. But there should always be a point of letting go for the purpose of protecting the unity of the marriage.

Sacrifices of opinions and views will have to be made in order to protect the unity of the marriage. As a husband or wife, you don’t always have to be right. Instead, protect the unity of your marriage, which benefits more than the satisfaction of being right.

Amos 3:3 says, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” This scripture shows us the requisite ingredient to unity. And that is agreement. For one to walk together, which is an indication of unity, there must be an agreement.

That agreement may not be something that either partner is convinced of the decision of the other, but for unity to thrive, sacrifices of opinion have to be made. But what I will not forget to say is that all decisions need to be brought before the Lord. As we read earlier in Proverbs 19:21, only the counsel of the Lord stands.

Principle Four: Communicate with Wisdom and Grace

The last principle that I want to touch on before I conclude this blog is that of communication. I have often heard advice like “speak your truth and don't die in silence.” I totally agree that one of the major success factors in any marriage is effective communication, but I want to emphasize the word EFFECTIVE because not all communication is effective.

For a successful marriage, what you say, when you say it, and how you say it all matter a great deal. Proverbs 18:2 says, “A fool has no delight in understanding, but only in airing his opinions.” This scripture is so on point with what we need to understand about communication in marriage.

Sometimes, airing your opinion does not improve anything; it only makes it worse. Proverbs 18:6 says, “A fool’s lips enter into contention, and his mouth calls for blows.” While I do not and will never support violence in any marriage, I am tempted to say that a handful of violence in marriage originates from airing opinions when it is not okay to do so.

Effective communication in marriage cannot be overemphasized. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” The Bible doesn’t lie. When you say what you have to say in the manner described in Proverbs 16:24, it becomes effective communication.   

When you are angry, please don’t speak. Pray instead. God will lead you on what to say, how to say it, and when to say it, so that it will have maximum impact, without sparking further problems.

Living Out God's Principles Every Day

I hope this has been useful to you as you read it. These principles don’t just work because they came from the Bible; I have applied them to my life, I live by them, and I have benefited from them, and that is why I share them with you.

For any of the principles that feel hard to implement in your life, take them to God in prayer. The Holy Spirit will hold your hands and help you live them in your life. He did that for me, and I know He will do the same for you.

No marriage becomes strong overnight. Strong marriages are built one biblical decision at a time. Every act of obedience to God's Word lays another stone in a foundation that can withstand life's storms.

Today’s post is the eighth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

Why I Had to Teach What the Bible Says About Marriage

I also shared the thinking that marriage was a bondage, when all the butterflies I had in me before getting married all disappeared, and I was faced with the harsh reality that my expectations and my reality were miles apart. But I took some steps back and shifted my position, understanding that if this marriage was to work, I needed to do some work.

Why Marriage Became My Passion

Talking about marriage has been one of the most fulfilling aspects of my existence. In a world where negativity thrives and marriage vices shout so loudly, I find purpose in telling the other side of the story. If there are so many sad marriage stories, awful endings, and messy breakups that are going viral on our social media spaces, I think we also need to have some positive stories, too.

There is a need to give hope to the upcoming marriages. In reality, more marriages thrive in the midst of struggles, weather tough challenges, stay strong together in spite of the differences in opinions and ideas of those in the marriage, and even disagreements that cannot be denied, than the marriages that are failing. But the negative marriage stories are traveling farther and wider.

The Painful Reality I Couldn't Ignore

In my adult years, I have spoken to a lot of women regarding the topic of marriage, and their views of it have been very concerning. Quite a handful of women see their husbands as never-do-wells. I believe a lot of these originate from what they have experienced in their marriages and stories they have heard or passed down notions from parents’ experiences or even relatives' marriages that they have seen.

And this observation is not limited to just casual women, but this anomaly also comes from those who are of the faith: those who are pastors' wives, and even those who stand on the pulpit to preach. The situation is so bad that we now have people come forward, with a microphone in hand, and tell the world God told them to get a divorce.

But while we will not deny that there may be trouble in paradise, and the devil has greatly worked his way into the marriage institution, God also will not fold His hands and let the devil win over and destroy what He created and certified to be good. 

So, God is raising voices, and He is impressing it in the hearts of those who will yield to that call to rise and tell the story of the goodness of marriage. And one such voice is my humble self, driven with passion and purpose to tell the story of the resilience and beauty of marriage.

My Own Marriage Wasn't Always Beautiful

One truth that I am burdened to share is that just like those who shout about the horrors of marriage, I have had my own very good share of marriage struggles. In my self-effort, I have prayed hard to God for a divorce; I have, in fact, contemplated suicide. But I have also surrendered my troubles and challenges to God. I handed the reins to Him and let Him lead me while I painstakingly followed after His leading.

Were those experiences easy? Most definitely not. Were they challenging even to the bones? I can tell you for free that it’s a big YES. But looking at where I am today, and what I have been through and come out of, I know without a doubt that when God is allowed to lead, the story will always end in praise.

I have been married for over 22 years, and I am writing this in the year 2026. I have seen it all in marriage. I have experienced things that, when I share my story, those who hear it tell me they can’t stay in such a marriage. But here I am in that same marriage, with the same husband, and having the best time of my life. And only God made it happen.

Those close to me say I have a special grace, but I beg to differ. The grace of God is like an ocean of water. The container you fetch grace with from the ocean of grace determines the quantity of grace that you will take away.

God's grace is abundantly available to all, but how much we receive often depends on how much we trust Him. No one is given more grace than another when it comes to having faith to receive from God, because God is a just and fair God. But your volume of grace is directly proportional to your container of faith and trust in God.

God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — a step-by-step guide to fighting for your marriage instead of against your spouse, even when restoration feels impossible.

What God Taught Me About Restoration

At the time when there was nothing else to hold on to, I held onto God. I didn’t tell God what to do, or how to do it. I simply cried for help and let Him do what I couldn’t do for myself in a way that I could never have done and succeeded. God restored my marriage; I was just a willing partner in the whole process.

In Matthew 19:8, Jesus confirmed that Moses permitted divorce because the heart of men was wicked, but in the beginning, it was not so. So, the importance of willingness in the restoration of a challenged marriage cannot be overemphasized.

The problem is not whether God can restore a challenged marriage, but whether we are willing to set aside the hurt that we are feeling and not carry the weight of our troubles on ourselves, but let God truly heal and restore what the enemy has destroyed.

Why I Chose to Teach What the Bible Says About Marriage

Sometimes, I get to think and wonder if God would truly permit people to get a divorce, like people have been announcing to the world that He did in our present times. But God is a Father who does not force us to obey Him. If He expresses His will and you disagree, He lets you have your way. Unfortunately, you also carry the burden of that decision.

But what is most unfortunate in that is the fact that these people who still have God’s oil on their lives mislead others who assume that if it was okay for God to let them do that, then they can also do it and it wouldn’t be a sin.

So, here I am with a counter experience. That is why I am led to teach about marriages and let the world see the other side of the divide. The one that ends in happily ever after without bitterness and divorce.

God made this happen for me. And going through all that I went through, coming out of it with better love and attention from the same husband, in the same marriage, and having to share my story, I appreciate now why God put me through that season.

Without me experiencing it firsthand, I would say it can never happen. But it happened to me. I won the war on my marriage. God helped me dig out my husband’s love for me, and now we are two adult love birds.

There Is Hope for Your Marriage

My experience is not an isolated one. I believe there are more stories like mine out there than there are negative ones. But the truth is that the negative story gains more ground and is loudly amplified. But for those having marital troubles, you are not alone, and you can win without bitterness and divorce.

Your willingness to let God handle things and lead you to win should be your first call. And follow that with your willingness to let go of the hurt you feel. That may seem like the hard part, but when you understand that your fight is not against flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers and rulers of darkness in high places (Ephesians 6:12), you will know that your spouse is not the problem; they are just a vessel in the hands of the real enemy.

These are the truths that God helped me to see and understand, which enabled me to redirect my emotions and focus on my real fight. With God’s leading, I fought for my husband and fought for my marriage. These are the reasons why I teach about what the Bible says about marriage. I have enjoyed these truths, and I am led to share them.

That said, I also recognize that not every marriage ends in restoration. Some people have faced abuse, abandonment, or situations where separation became necessary for safety. This series is not written to condemn anyone. It is written to point readers toward God's design for marriage and the hope that He can bring where hearts remain willing.

Today’s post is the seventh of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage Biblically

The greatest singular deal breaker for marriages is CHEATING. Marriages fall apart for many reasons, but the greatest of them all is when one spouse becomes unfaithful to the other. I have spoken to a lot of people who say that once they find out that their spouse is cheating on them, they can no longer remain in such a marriage.

It is interesting to see in Matthew 19:9 that it is only sexual immorality that Jesus gave as an exemption for allowing for a divorce. We find it everywhere in the Bible, starting from Exodus 20:5 (in the 10 commandments), that God is a jealous God.

But it is worthy of note that God's jealousy is not rooted in insecurity but in His commitment to covenant faithfulness. If that is the case, then it is expected that we who are formed and fashioned in His image and likeness will be jealous beings. Not with an unholy jealousy, but one that expects faithfulness in a marriage union and commitment to the marriage vows that were exchanged.  

The Fear of Infidelity in Marriage

So, when people say that infidelity is a deal breaker for them in marriage, they are just expressing who they have been fashioned to be. It is human nature to be jealous. But not being jealous to the point that it leads to sin and pushes you to do terrible things.

In my last post, where I discussed the marriage covenant, and the content of the vows we take and the oath we swear to in marriage, one of the items in that oath is a pledge to be faithful in marriage. So, expecting faithfulness in marriage is not out of place. It is a promise that was made, a covenant that was entered into, and that promise is expected to be fulfilled.

Can You Truly Trust Your Spouse?

But here is another twist to it that makes it a little interesting. When you enter into a marriage covenant, you expect faithfulness, and so you invest trust in your spouse based on the faithfulness that you are hoping for. But now Jeremiah 17:5 says, “Thus says the Lord: Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart departs from the Lord.”

Some people may want to say that this scripture does not apply to the marriage situation, while others may start to get confused as to how to run the marriage without trust if the Lord says cursed is anyone who trusts man. How do you be with a spouse that you are not expected to trust?

This is where we begin to tackle the topic of discussion for this blog post. How to affair-proof one's marriage based on the truth of the Bible. I want to start this by saying, trying to monitor your spouse and playing the detective to affair-proof your marriage never works. It only leads to heartache at the end of the day.

Coming from a one-time marriage detective, I can tell you truthfully that you will get your mind and heart messed up trying to monitor who your spouse interacts with when it comes to the opposite gender. The more you look, the more you see what will break your heart. But please note that I am not saying that you should overlook a cheating spouse, but there are better and more reassuring ways of handling this, and that is what I will be sharing in this blog.

How Affairs Often Begin

When God says cursed is the man who puts his trust in man, He sure knows why He made such a statement. Oftentimes, infidelity in marriage doesn’t always happen out of malice, greed, or lack of love. What starts as an innocent communication or help being rendered to a friend may quickly snowball into an affair without those involved noticing early enough to press the brakes.

Before you blink an eye, what started as a simple friendship grows into an emotional attachment, and gradually, an affair is born. In fact, those involved will argue that they are just close friends and nothing more, because physical touch has not entered into the conversation. Until temptation presents itself and a boundary that should never have been crossed is crossed.

In some cases, these two who have erred may feel the guilt and hit the brakes at that point. In some other cases, the emotional attachment may have run so deep that ending it at one mistake becomes a call too hard to make, and they continue the secret affair and remain a loving yet deceitful spouse in their respective marriage as long as they don’t get caught.

So, in reality, not all cheating spouses set out to hurt their partners in marriage; not all of them cheat out of lust and greed. But the truth still remains that they have broken their marriage covenant of faithfulness, they have sinned, they have broken the trust invested in them, and they have hurt the one who loves them dearly.

For some, this sin is grave and unforgivable, and for others, they extend grace and forgiveness and allow the union to continue with the assignment of making the offending spouse earn the trust that they were freely given at the onset of the marriage.

But how can you affair-proof your marriage when all that you can control is you and not your spouse? The greatest self-deceit that anyone can have is to think they can control their spouse without the spouse freely and willingly yielding that control. To answer this, I will share a true-life story that best illustrates my take on this.

If this post is speaking to you, God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage will walk you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong — even against infidelity.

A Story About Trusting God with Infidelity

There is a couple who have been married for less than 10 years, and the wife was convinced that her husband was anything but faithful to her. He always had a reason to be away from home. He spent less time with her and more with everyone else. She was getting miserable in her marriage with her absentee husband.

It got so bad that he wasn’t even providing for the family anymore. She had to find a way to take care of herself and her two children. There was always a very good reason why money was not available. So, she began to sniff around him. She would see deposit slips with strange names on them and ask questions. There was always a lie for every question.

She moved on to checking his phones, and her fears started getting confirmed. She would see messages exchanged with other women, and then she knew where the attention and money were being invested. On many occasions, she would confront him, and they would fight over it. Her husband would beg and promise to stop, but it was all for a better cover-up next time. Nothing changed, just better concealed.

When the wife became tired of the lies, she made up her mind that it was time for a divorce. But before making the call to walk away, she prayed to God. God was her only hope. She could not decide on anything without consulting God first. She cried bitterly as she prayed. She loved her husband and wanted the marriage to work, but she was tired of the lies and deceit. She sought God from the depths of her pain, and God spoke to her.

The Lord spoke to her and promised to fix the infidelity issue in her marriage if she would trust Him (God) rather than expect her husband to change on His own accord. She made up her mind to commit to trusting God with the painful issue of infidelity rather than checking her husband’s phone or fighting him over his lack of attention to her and their children.

For her, trusting God was more reassuring than the countless broken promises from her husband. She got a word from God, and she ran with it. With this approach, she began to feel less betrayed, having her hope and trust in God, who had never failed her, than to expect anything from her husband. She shifted her focus away from monitoring her husband and placed her trust fully in God.

Gradually, without words or any input from her, her husband began to change. He went out less frequently, spending time with her and their children. It was initially strange, but over time, as they conversed more, she noticed her husband became more fearful of sexually transmitted diseases.

She didn’t know why there was a sudden fear, but that made him more cautious with his lifestyle and more faithful to his marriage covenant. There was an unexplainable positive shift that she was noticing and learning to enjoy. Up to the time I heard the story, they had both tested negative for any sexually communicable disease, but the fear of it has maintained faithfulness in their marriage.

It is worth noting that your own redemption story might not exactly be like this story that I just shared. The Lord knows your spouse more than you can ever do. He alone can arrest his heart in a way that you can never imagine. So, every marriage facing infidelity will not unfold exactly this same way. However, this story demonstrates that God is able to work in hearts and situations beyond our ability to control.

What Only God Can Do

One major takeaway for me in this story is that only God can do what we cannot do for ourselves if we hand it over to Him. Trusting that a cheating spouse would change for those who have killed their conscience towards the sin of adultery is like waiting for a thing that may never arrive.

But Proverbs 21:1 tells us that “The king’s heart is in the hands of the Lord, like rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes.” The heart of your spouse is in the hands of the Lord; only God can direct His heart to do what He pleases. So, when you commit that infidelity issue into God’s hands, He knows how to make your spouse faithful in ways you can never imagine.

The Biblical Way to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

The Biblical way to affair-proof your marriage is to trust God to keep your spouse faithful to the covenant they swore to you in marriage. It’s not that you will not trust your spouse; you will route your trust through God to your spouse. The idea is to cover your marriage in prayer against extra-marital affairs and trust God that what you have prayed for, He will do.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 shares the great benefit of trusting God above any man. Nothing gives you more peace in your life than knowing that the Lord is handling your affairs, because nothing fails in His hands. Jeremiah 17:9-10, on the other hand, tells us the danger of trusting man, because the heart of man is deceitful. But only God searches that heart, and only God knows and can deal with the deceitful heart that you cannot know.

But there is one more thing you need to do. It is established that you cannot control your spouse, and so we will handle that through prayers. But you gave control over yourself, and so we can’t conclude on this without discussing the self-actions you need to take to affair-proof your marriage.

As a partner in your marriage, you also need to remain accountable to your spouse and maintain healthy boundaries with friendships outside of your spouse. Be on alert to know when you need to press the brakes on any association that poses a threat to your marriage. And while praying to God that your spouse remains faithful to you, pray that the Lord will also help you stay true to your covenant of faithfulness.

Trusting God with Your Marriage

In conclusion, I will say this: if you want to maintain your peace of mind in marriage, put all the concerns of your marriage into God’s hands and trust Him to faithfully keep that which you have entrusted to Him. Then you can relieve yourself of any anxiety and enjoy abundant love in your marriage, knowing that it’s all in God’s hands. With God, there is no need for suspicions; your marriage is already affair-proofed.

Today’s post is the sixth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

 

 

The Covenant of Marriage – Why it’s More than a Contract.

 

Many couples say their marriage views with pride, love, and excitement. As the groom stands in front of the officiating minister, waiting for his bride to walk down the aisle, he is doing so with so much love and joy in his heart. Some even come up with teary eyes as they behold their beautiful bride walk up to them in the company of one of the parents, a close relative, or a mentor who will be giving the bride away in marriage.

The Marriage Vow Is a Covenant Agreement

And then the ceremony starts, the exchange of vows begins, and each couple is read their vows, and they repeat the words after the officiating minister, with agreement to do exactly as the vows they have spoken out say. And then the officiating minister asks the most important question of one’s life: do you take [insert name] as your lawfully wedded wife or husband, and the response from the couple is almost always “YES I DO.”

So that you will have a clear understanding of this, I will share a sample of the marriage vow/oath you swore to during your wedding ceremony.

Officiant:
Do you, [Name], take [Name] to be your lawfully wedded wife/husband, to live together according to God's ordinance in the holy estate of marriage?

Response:
I do.

Vow:
I, [Name], take you, [Name], to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part; according to God's holy ordinance, and thereto I pledge you my faithfulness.

The exchange of rings in marriage is a symbol of the union that is based on the vows and oath that were sworn to; and the marriage certificate is the legal document that legalizes the union that was based on the vows taken and oath sworn to. So, a marriage union is not based on the marriage certificate but on the vows taken and oath sworn to.

A person who has sworn an oath and taken a vow has consented to an agreement, which in turn makes it a covenant. So, in essence, a marriage is not a mere contractual event; it is a covenantal agreement in which both couples have promised each other a lifelong commitment, irrespective of harsh or good times.

What the Bible Says About the Marriage Covenant

As children of God, we will be acting in error if we think that marriage is just a business of convenience that we can walk away from when the conditions are not favorable. In Malachi 2:14, God expresses the significance of marriage as a covenant; He says He witnessed the exchange of vows you took on your wedding day, and He is holding you accountable to those vows.

Verse 13-14 says, “And this is the second thing you do: You cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and crying; so He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion, and wife by covenant.”

In the scripture above, God tells us the reason why He shuts down the prayers of His people. And now, we know that it is because we deal with the marriage covenant with simplicity rather than the attentiveness that it deserves.

A covenant is a binding promise that you cannot easily walk away from. That is why God will use it to illustrate His commitment to mankind. The marriage covenant is one that is not designed to be broken except for death. And so, every time God wants to illustrate His commitment to us, He calls us His bride. We are in a covenant relationship with God. 

Ephesians 5:22-31 gave us rules for marriage and used Christ and the church as a model because that is what a covenant is meant for. When an oath is sworn, as we do in marriage, we are bound by that oath or vow. Just as when God makes a covenant with us, and having nothing else to swear by, swears by His name, He is bound by that covenant.

With what has been established, it is important to start to view marriage with more seriousness than we used to. A man or woman who has sworn love in sickness and health, for richer and for poorer, for better and for worse, and fails to abide by this covenant commits a grave sin before God.

A man or woman who has pledged their faithfulness to their spouse enters a covenant of faithfulness. Anything short of faithfulness is a sin before the Lord. And so, we see God address this in Malachi 2:13-16. This is a sin that would not go unnoticed before the Lord, and so God warns us in verse 16 that we take heed in our spirit and not break the marriage covenant we have sworn to.

Marriage Is More Than a Transaction

It is important to state here that marriage is not a contract. When we speak of contracts, we reduce marriage to a mere transaction. It becomes a coming together for benefits rather than for service. And this is where many people get it all wrong.

This also explains why many people are quick to file for divorce when the benefit of coming together begins to wane. This also explains why a lot of people feel frustrated when there is an imbalance of attention and affection in the union.

The Lifelong Commitment of Marriage

Marriage is a commitment to serve unconditionally. It is a pledge and an oath sworn to that, in spite of harsh circumstances, loss of love and affection, financial downtime, loss of health and wealth, you are still bound to.

And so, lack of love does not terminate a marriage covenant. Unfaithfulness is not permitted in a marriage covenant because the oath sworn in a marriage covenant is an oath to forever faithfulness. And there is another striking pledge in a marriage covenant. It says to have and to hold.

What Does "To Have and To Hold" Really Mean?

The pledge “to have and to hold” is to bear with one another; to support each other. To hold each other up in times of a fall. To fulfill the words of Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 together. When you have each other, you help and support each other. When you hold each other, it means you protect each other. 

Your marriage was never meant to be a contract you can walk away from — it's a covenant. Learn how to live it out in God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage.

I do not know the origin of the marriage covenant that we keep swearing to in marriage, but I believe that we need to keep a deep understanding of the oath and vow we are committing to in marriage. A good grasp of this will help us understand marriage better and prevent the epidemic of divorce we have in the world today.

Why Choosing the Right Spouse Matters

But before we finish up on this topic, there are two important things I would love to highlight. The first is this: if marriage is a forever covenant that is binding and not just a contract, we cannot overemphasize the importance of being careful about how we make a choice of a spouse. 

A forever covenant, such as marriage, should not be made out of flirting emotions, physical appearance, societal pressure or on impulse. It is a covenant that the Lord stands to witness as you swear to that oath, and the Lord will hold you accountable to the oath that you have sworn to.

As children of God, we are created in His image and likeness. God, in whose image we are created, is a covenant-keeping God, and so we who are His children, created in His image and likeness, are supposed to be covenant-keeping children. That is the standard, that is the expectation. That is why God says He hates divorce.

So choosing a spouse requires that you pray and consult with God, and confirm with God with a strong conviction that the choice of a spouse that you are pledging your life and commitment to is God’s choice for you. This is because love will fade, body will age, wealth will wane, and if God is not at the center, the covenant will be a burden to keep.

Marriage Requires a One-Hundred Percent Commitment

The second thing we need to emphasize is that because marriage is not a contract, it is not a transaction. The expectation going into marriage is not a 50-50 agreement. It is you giving a 100 percent commitment to the vows you have made unconditionally.

When you made your vow in marriage, it didn’t come with terms and conditions. Introducing terms and conditions midway through any marriage is deceitful. The rules of marriage as laid by God are in Ephesians 5:22-31, and I have written about these rules in my blog titled “What Does the Bible Actually Say About Marriage Roles? (Ephesians 5 Explained).” These rules and roles are designed by God to help us fulfill with ease the vows we have made in marriage.   

These rules and roles are the only terms and conditions that are acceptable in marriage. They are neither drafted by either of the spouses nor any man, but they are written in the scriptures through the inspiration of God. These are rules given to couples by God.

Has Your Marriage Become a Contract Instead of a Covenant?

So, as I close, I want you to take a moment to re-evaluate your marriage. Have you drifted from the oath you swore at the beginning? Has your marriage begun to feel like a transaction more than a covenant? If so, then there is a need to go back to the drawing board and start to trust God to help you fulfill the covenant you made to your spouse at the beginning.

I agree that the dynamics may have changed. What you hoped for in marriage may not be your reality. It is because of you that I have been assigned to keep writing messages like this. God has you in mind, and He will help you get through it. Your marriage is still a covenant for you to fulfill, and God is available and ready to help you through the current challenges you are going through.

Marriage is not sustained by feelings alone. Feelings rise and fall, circumstances change, and seasons come and go. What sustains marriage is a covenant made before God and upheld through His grace. When we remember that marriage is a covenant rather than a contract, we begin to see our spouse, our commitment, and our responsibilities through God's eyes.

Today’s post is the fifth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.