My Journey Out of Despair

I woke to do my morning worship; it’s been more than three years since I shared a blog post. Sharing stuff on my blog was a big passion for me, it was something I did effortlessly with the help of the Holy Spirit, and I enjoyed every day and every opportunity to share something on my blog.

Then the battles began, things just were not looking good for me. I became unmotivated, and posting anything on the blog became a big struggle. My challenges stifled the motivation out of me. I needed to put the blog aside to tackle the many issues that were taking my attention away from my passion. Everything stopped and then everything began.

What do I mean by everything stopped and everything began? Well, I stopped all that I was doing, I almost gave up on God, and then I became very busy with things that didn’t matter, but that my environment and circumstances laid at my feet. I didn’t lose sight of God but something in me just stopped. I am struggling now with how to put my experience into words. However, one of the things that the challenge took away from me was my passion for writing my blogs.

But in the midst of it all, I found God in a very different manner. One tool the Lord used to get me out of the state of despair which some people call depression, but I wouldn’t want to call me depressed, was worship. So, while I was wallowing in self-pity and asking God why things were not going as I had hoped and prayed for, I came across a gospel music minister on YouTube while on my bed of sorrow. I listened to her sing, initially with a blank mind but just because I loved gospel music and my love for God was still intact.

And then something clicked, the song I was listening to with a blank mind grew into deep worship for me. I felt God close to me like I could feel His presence like I had never done. And I heard Him speak to me like I had never heard Him before. You probably would think He consoled me and told me everything would be fine. Well, that was not the case. He showed how ungrateful I was. He reminded me of my near misses in life and how undeserving I was of the grace I had enjoyed. And just because it didn’t feel like what I wanted I began to grumble. I allowed the devil to sell me a lie for the truth I should know.

I cried like I had never done before in my life. I was truly and honestly sorry. Remembering all my wrongdoings that God did not hold against me was very humbling for me. I prayed for forgiveness and then I told myself that that place of deep worship was where I would remain for the rest of my life. It’s been three years since I had that encounter with God, and I am most grateful to Him that He visited me that way.

It’s been three years of a newness in my walk with God that I cannot trade for anything else. God has been good to me. I have enjoyed God in a way that my heart keeps falling in love with Him every second of every minute of every day. My testimonies are many, His grace is huge in my life, and now I am the most grateful.

Those little blessings that I would normally take for granted now count for something in my life and daily I recognize them and thank God for them. The more I have learned to thank God for those little blessings, the more little blessings I have, to thank God for. Those little blessings have grown into huge testimonies for me.

I fell into depression back then because I didn’t have money. I just could not keep up. But guess what, I still don’t have money. But I have it all together. I am neither rich nor poor, but I am contented in my Father in heaven who takes care of those huge needs even before they show up. Now, I am built to trust God who has not for once failed my trust or disappointed my hope in Him. He tells me He loves me daily and He shows it.   

So back to my very first line, I woke early this morning to worship, I was listening to one of my many favorite gospel music, and I felt this huge urge to write a blog. Hmmm, I thought to wonder where this urge is coming from. But here I am writing. I pray this blesses someone and I believe God that this will be the beginning of a daily read from God through me like before in Jesus’ name.