The title of this blog speaks of a problem. And so that I don’t continue to allow you to burn with curiosity, the problem we are solving in this blog post revolves around infidelity in marriage. It starts with a story that can be very familiar in marriages.
There is a lady with a very familiar problem in her marriage:
a lack of attention from her spouse. And in cases like that, the first guess is
that her spouse is having an extramarital affair. And just the normal trend,
the lady is completely broken. She resorted to personal investigation of her
own, trailing her husband’s movement, spying on his phones for possible
evidence to hold onto or just something to substantiate her suspicions.
One important thing to note is that in this true-life
scenario, the wife is very well taken care of financially. Her husband is wealthy,
and he spares no expense in giving her all that she needs and wants. But the
dilemma is that the needs of a wife are not limited to finances or money alone.
There are emotional intangible needs that wives have that also need to be met,
and in this case, that is lacking.
As a wife myself, I know that we have an abundance of such intangible
needs. And the big disconnect shows up when a man feels that, as long as he is
financially providing for his family, more so his wife, then he is far and
beyond in fulfilling his responsibility as a husband. Please note that that is
a very wrong assumption to make.
Going back to the core problem of this marriage, which is a lack
of attention, the aftereffect was for the wife to begin to dig for answers to
the why of the emotional disconnect in her marriage. And this pattern is not far-fetched.
You just want to know why the chemistry between you and your spouse seems to
have faded away. And one big suspect is that he is seeing someone else, who is
taking his attention off you.
Checking your spouse’s phones, trailing his movement,
playing detective, or even hiring one might confirm your suspicion, but what
happens next? Is the problem solved, or another set of heartbreak unfolds? So,
I have learned that marriage is effectively operated using thirty percent
emotions and seventy percent strategy for it to be successful.
Proverbs 24:3-4 tells us that through wisdom a house is
built, and by understanding, it is established; by knowledge the rooms are
filled with precious and pleasant riches. And then Proverbs 14:1 tells us that
the wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her own
hands.
First of all, I want to ask a question: a wife who is
playing detective over the fact that she feels that there is a disconnect between
her and her husband, is she wise or foolish? Before I give my answer, the first
thing that comes to mind is: what is she hoping to find? A confirmation that
her husband is not cheating on her, or a confirmation that he is having an
extramarital affair, or what exactly?
Will the result of her investigation build her home or tear
it down? If she finds out that her husband is cheating on her, her home will be
torn apart. If she finds out that her husband is not cheating on her, her home
is torn all the same, because her husband will feel betrayed that she does not
trust him in the first place if he finds out she has been spying on him.
How then can a wife solve a problem such as this one? From
the scriptures above, we know that three things are essential in building a
home, and they are wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. The wisdom that builds
a home is not worldly wisdom, but the wisdom that is obtained from God. And the
knowledge Solomon is talking about is not what is gotten from spying on your
spouse. That knowledge will break your heart rather than build your home.
Many factors can be responsible for a diminished chemistry
or affection between you and your spouse, other than extramarital affairs or
cheating, even though one cannot rule out cheating. It could be distractions from
work, external issues that involve external family members, or even a midlife
crisis.
To discern what can really be the problem, the first step is
to pray and ask God to be your detective. Let Him who is able to search the
deep things of the heart of men search out the root cause of what you are
experiencing in your marriage for you. Whatever it is causing the problem, it
is not beyond the reach and fix of God.
If God is investigating your problem instead of you, then He
will also provide a strategy to fix the problem for you. Even in the event that
your spouse may be straying into the arms of another woman, you can be sure
that the effective solution to that will come from God if you do not harden
your heart to His touch.
I understand that sometimes when you are heartbroken,
confused, or emotionally down, which can result from your investigation
findings or your mere assumption of infidelity, or even the situation of
emotional neglect, it can be hard to pray. But as I mentioned earlier, if you
want to enjoy a successful marriage, you have to tune down your emotional
dependency to thirty percent and upgrade your dependency on wisdom. And to this
end, against all odds, you need to encourage yourself to pray because the strategy
for a lasting solution comes from the Throne of God on the altar of prayers.
As a wife who has been assigned as a suitable helper, you
need to always (as long as you have the breath of life in you) pray for your
spouse. Never allow his reaction or attitude towards you to stop you from
praying for him. Because the success of the assignment from God to you as his
wife is hinged on prayers.
No matter how much you nag, complain, improve yourself, cook
the best meals, be the best partner in bed, improve your beauty and appearance,
once all these are done in your own understanding and wisdom without divine
strategy from God, there are no guarantees of success. And these self-efforts may
likely lead to frustrations and burnout without success. You need to pray and
let God lead.
So, I will conclude with this: if you have observed a strain
in your marriage, please don’t go playing detective and sniffing around to find
what is missing. Take the matter to God in prayer. Let God play the detective
on your behalf; He will diagnose the problem and prescribe an effective
solution.
It’s not always the case that a lack of chemistry is a
result of infidelity. Sometimes your nagging will make the problem worse rather
than fix it. I don’t recommend talking things over before praying on the
situation first. Sometimes, praying to God and allowing Him to lead might mean
you need to change something about you first. But I assure you that letting God
take the lead means saving your marriage and building your home.
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