Sometimes, Those Conflicts Are Necessary in Marriage.

If there is one thing I detest in my marriage, it is conflicts and fights. But that does not mean that I don’t push back on some issues, and that does not happen too often. The first thing I pursue for myself is my peace of mind. I love my sanity and would not want to trade it for anything else. I am not foolish, and I don’t present myself as someone who can easily be walked over, but still, I cherish my mental health; otherwise, I will not be able to do what I love doing, which is writing these blogs.

I married a very assertive man. And even when his instructions fall short, they must still be obeyed. His personality is one that needs to be managed with care; otherwise, we will be swimming in conflicts every time. My husband’s personality is one that the devil can easily manipulate to engineer conflicts in my marriage, if I happen to be someone who also loves to be heard and wants my opinion to always count.

At the time when I was praying to God for my marriage and seeking His intervention in what felt like a miserable marital experience, His response to me was to submit to my husband as unto the Lord. As I had shared in many of my blog articles, that felt really unfair in my opinion. But I had no other help but God, and if I wanted His help, I would adopt His strategy. So, one of the many things I asked for in response to His instructions to me was to fill my husband with His presence and be the voice behind my husband’s instructions to me.

By that, I can always feel that those instructions are not coming from my husband directly but from God through him. That helps me to face the submission task a lot easier with the feeling that those words are from God to me through my husband.

Coming back to the issue of conflicts, if you have not asked God like I did, that is, you have not told God to be the voice behind your husband’s instructions to you, you cannot arrive at the same conclusion as I have in my own marriage.

Proverbs 18:2, 6, 21, 16:32, 17:14, 28, 15:1, 18, 14:29, 20:3, 19:11, 26:21, 29:22. All these are scriptures in the book of Proverbs alone that speak about conflicts, anger, and strife. And what you read here is also applicable in marriage. One key takeaway for me in all of these scriptures is that if you are rich in understanding, then you will be slow to get angry and avoid conflicts. But the interesting thing I am also discovering is that for us wives who are assigned to build homes, one key ingredient to building a successful home is understanding.

But I have found conflict as a retrospective tool in my marriage. I have learned not to be quick to react when my husband starts to pick fights. I always tell him that if we have 10 fights, it is most certain that 9 out of the 10 fights started from him and most assuredly end with him 😁. The so-called fights in my marriage have become avenues for deep thinking and learning for me.

In some cases, I try to prayerfully put myself in my husband’s shoes and view the situation from his own perspective. I tell God to help me see the situation not only from my point of view but also from his own perspective. This has helped me to understand my husband better and, in some cases, empathise with him rather than react with the same energy with which he comes at me.

Some people see this as making an excuse for bad behavior, but it has stabilized my home and saved my marriage countless times. In hindsight, my presence in the life of my husband is not to correct or teach him, but to be a suitable helper in his life. I leave the teaching and correction to God while I enjoy my own peace of mind. What I have found out is that my not reacting to my husband’s confrontations with another confrontation or in the same energy as his, ultimately sobers him, and he gets to apologize later.

But one more thing I have found out about his fights is that they are mostly wake-up calls for me. You know, I told you earlier that I prayed and asked God to speak to me through my husband so that submission would be easier for me. I have found out that a number of times when my husband picks a fight with me, it is orchestrated by God. This might sound strange, but it is true for me.

When the Lord is impressing a thing in my heart, and I am not obeying, or I am beginning to procrastinate, a squabble breaks out between my husband and I out of nowhere. So often (not all, if I must confess) when my husband begins to fight without any just cause or nothing to ignite the fight, I run to the Throne of God for answers. I begin to pray. And I have found out that just going back to obey God and do what He has been laying on my heart to do solves the problem.

Not everyone will agree with me on this, but this is the way I have maintained the stability of my home and my peace of mind and mental sanity. Proverbs 14:29 teaches us that those with understanding will be slow to engage in strife. I would rather be correct and still apologize for the sake of my peace of mind than insist on my own view or standpoint on an issue.

That does not make me a weakling, but no one quotes silence. I would rather let God prove me right than fight for my right. When God is the One fighting, He will do a better job of it than I can ever imagine doing in my own self-effort.   

There are a few things I would want you to take away from this blog message, and the first is: Is that fight going to produce for me something better than your peace of mind and the stability of your home and marriage? If it wouldn’t, then my advice would be that it is not worth the emotional drain that it will take from you. No matter what is thrown at you by your spouse, it is essential to pause and pray and not try to react on impulse.

Your value is not measured by the number of fight points you win against your spouse, but by the quality of your home and marriage. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 teaches us that two are better than one, and it lays out the benefits. Now, there are no better twos than the husband and the wife. The unity of your marriage should be a bigger priority than the fight points you win against your spouse.

If you have prayed to God like I have to speak to you through your spouse, then those unwarranted fights might be God speaking to you and calling for your attention. You will miss that call if your reaction is to attack your spouse back rather than pause, pray, and think.

I want to conclude this by saying that those fights are not always worth the trouble. Not responding negatively to a provocation from your spouse does not make you a weakling; instead, it places you above, being the one with a better understanding and one with richer values. 

Thank you so much for visiting this blog channel. Your time is well appreciated. Please help a friend by sharing this with others. And keep visiting because I assure you that there will always be something to inspire you here.

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