Thursday 21 November 2013

Dealing With Abusive Marriage

1 Peter 3:1-2
Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

Proverbs 19:13
A foolish son is his father’s ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.

Proverbs 21:9
Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Malachi 2:16
“I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the Lord Almighty.

Some minutes ago I was discussing with some married women and the line of discussion was on marital abuse such that the wives are being physically abused by their husbands. And while I was quiet and listening to the other two women speak, their conclusions were that they could not take such from any man. But the reality is that I will term them lucky to be married to men who by nature of their upbringing do not abuse women. But for those men and women who are challenged with abusive marriage I will tell you categorically that this is a problem like all other problems we encounter in life that can be overcome without you leaving that marriage depending on how you deal with the issue.
Most times a lot of women have been advised to leave the marriage for safety of their lives when the abuse becomes bloody in nature, and I am also tempted to go for same advise for those in abusive marriages. But after the assumed temporary separation, what happens next? And also what are the chances that the couple will ever get back together given that they did not heal from the wounds of the abuse while being together. So the natural thought is that they are better separated, given that if possibly they get back together there are no guarantees that the problem will not reoccur.
So what I will be trusting God to help us address is how the couple can overcome the problem of abuse in marriage without having go to through the process of separation. Based on my own personal experience I am convinced that divorce is not the solution to a troubled marriage. I am also convinced that separation is not the answer to an abusive marriage.
The mostly discussed form of abusive in marriage is that of the husband over the wife. Although there one too many cases also of men being the ones on the receiving end of the abuse and I am also trusting God to help us look through that aspect of abuse, but we will first address the issue of the man abusing the wife in a marriage situation.
I once wrote a post on dealing with dispute in marriage and the conclusions arrived at in that post will not be far from that which I will be discussing in this post. For the man to abuse his wife for any reason there will be an underlining cause to it. The man might be pushed into it by his wife, it might be an hereditary traits to that problem, it might also be that he is having an extra-marital affair and thus the other woman pleases him more while his wife has began to irritate him, it might be that he is operating under the influence of a curse or some demonic powers are on display in his life or even that he is experiencing some frustrations in his finances or having other forms of challenges and is taking out his frustration on his wife, and there might be many other reasons for his ungentlemanly attitude. But whatever the case maybe the wife is still the one assigned by God to help him get over it because in all of a man’s troubles in life, the wife is God’s appointed suitable help for him.
I am sure most wives who are at the receiving end of the rod in an abusive marriage will find it a little difficult to accept my last statement but that is the truth of the word of God. It is assumed that the wives are more discerning, mostly especially if the wife is a godly wife, and if this happens to be true, then the wives will be in the position to seek help on behalf of their husbands who might never agree that he requires help in this situation rather than abandon their marriages for uncertainty.
Peter in 1 Peter 3:1-2 admonished the wives to win their husbands for the Lord not by words but by their behaviours. If for example, your husband shouts at you and you have assumed that you are his wife and not his slave that should be shouted at and so decides that the appropriate thing to do is to shout back at him, which in turn leads to an argument that eventually degenerates to the exchange of punches, then I will say that the wife has behaved less than God expects of her in that marriage. Her behaviour has not in any way displayed that of a suitable helper available for God’s use to win her husband over to God. The self esteem of a woman is not in any way affected by your husband’s bouts of shout. You are a beautiful woman loved and appreciated by God irrespective of your husbands shouts. Your response to your husband’s shouts over time will tell if he will continue to shout or he will eventually give up that nasty behaviour. Your husband’s negativity will only affect you to the extent to which you allow it to. Your prayerful calmness on the other hand is a trait that over time, will produce a result of calmness and peace in your home. And so Peter said that your unbelieving husband will be won over to the Lord not with words, but by your behaviour.
If your husband is being violent to you for reasons other than you trying to be the boss lady in the marriage, you are still the instrument the Lord desires to use in helping him because the are God’s designated suitable helper for his life. Your husband as a victim might never be able to explain the reason behind his behaviour, but you as the closest to him and being empowered to discern things will be able to narrow down possible reasons to his behaviour and persistently take the situation to God in prayer. Praying continuously and fervently until you see results. Sometimes when you are downcast you can seek help from trusted true believers who can join you in supplication to God over the matter until God comes through for you, and He surely will. But you need to ensure that you do all that is possible to keep yourself from harms way at the time of his violent outburst ensuring that you didn't trigger the outburst and while not doing anything to jeopardize your marriage until the normalcy is restored in your home.  
If your husband is beginning to act strange as a result of the fact that he is seeing another woman outside of the marriage, though it will definitely hurt you and you’ll feel betrayed, but you still need to get yourself together and pray the strange woman out of your husband’s life and out of your marriage. In most cases being confrontational about it might enable you a momentary satisfaction, but will most likely not solve the problem. But when you take the matter to God in prayer and pray the truth of the word of God in Proverbs 5:15-20 and Genesis 2:24 which says you and your husband are one in flesh and spirit and not with a strange woman, then you will surely see positive and lastly results that will give you peace and restore love into your home. You also need to ensure that you remain physically attractive to your husband and enable him the satisfaction he deserves from his wife
With all that has been said concerning the woman and a violent husband, we will take a glance at the issue of a quarrelsome woman. If as a man your wife is quarrelsome, and is on the verge to pushing you to the wall, then I implore you to be the advocate of that woman before God just as Christ Jesus is our advocate before God the Father until the Lord transforms her into the wife of noble character that will promote the favour of God in your life. I understand that sometimes it can be frustrating when the woman who should be giving you peace has become a thorn in your flesh, but try imagine the patience that Christ keeps up with over his stubborn bride which is the church yet He continue to intercede for them before God. Bearing in you the mind of Christ, I will beg you to continue to prayer tirelessly for your wife until the Lord comes into her life and speaks calmness into her.
Seeking succor from another woman will just encourage sin that will ultimately ensnare your life and hinder your prayers, and being violent is also not an option because it is an attitude that God hates. Divorce as it maybe is also not a readily available answer to that problem, but when you trustingly commit the situation into the hands of God, it is just a matter of time for you to start experiencing a newness in your wife that gives you much pleasure and peace.
Marriage is a beautiful place to be, not that it without its challenges but when God has been made that foundation of that union then you are guaranteed of peace, joy and love in your union, being mindful of the truth that two are better than one. When you have learnt and you abide by God’s rules of engagement for your marriage you cannot get it wrong because the author’s manual of the God that established marriage is what your union is running with. Your life and home is blessed in Jesus Name.   


My books are currently available on Amazon.com using the provided links below. They will minister to your lives to the glory and praise of the living God.


































2 comments:

  1. Aderinsola,
    When I first started reading your post I felt a rise up in me as if to say "She just do not know what a lot of women are dealing with -- how could she say these things?!!?!?!?!?!?" But this statement -- Your husband’s negativity will only affect you to the extent to which you allow it to. Your prayerful calmness on the other hand is a trait that over time, will produce a result of calmness and peace in your home -- brought that thought of mine to a halt!!!!!

    You are so right -- I mean the Word of God is so true! I have never heard anyone speak on this before on-line -- it was truly inspiring. I don't have an abusive husband in the sense of using his hands -- but sometimes his words can bite! Ouch! I love the statement above and will definitely remember it in those heated moments.

    God bless you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Renee, I really do appreciate your comment. In truth I have been through that road before, and my husband's words were just as much of a bite then, so I feel you on that. But by the grace of God we have grown out of it. Now husband tells me that he really appreciated my calmness then and the patient I had in putting up with his behaviour. By February next year we would have been married for ten years and we are best of friends now. He treats me with love and respect and I could not have asked for a better husband. But the road that led to the peace I enjoy in my marriage now was not so easy. Yet I thank God for my home and marriage now.

    ReplyDelete

Why Do We Worship God

Many people feel like they should only praise God when they have received a blessing from God. Honestly, I was in that category too, so I am...