Handling Domestic Violence

Several times I have heard people say things like “this woman has so suffered from the hands of her husband, yet she is submissive and meek.” The person telling the story speaks with so much passion that one is tempted to wonder how cruel can God be to watch this meek and gentle woman suffer humiliation and hate from the hands of her husband who is suppose to love her, care for her and treat her with respect. Yet God says He hates divorce.

Some people have attributed some issues in life to be a misery that can only be unraveled when we leave this world and this illustration is one of such miseries. But God is not a cruel God and He does wish that the people He created should have to suffer anything. In fact the heart of God bleeds when He sees His children suffer. But just as God created the one who is being humiliated, He also created the one who is causing the humiliation so to say. He is a fair God who alone sees the two sides of the coin. He does not judge as we do, and He does not approach issues in the way and manner which we do. He is God, the One who sees the end from the beginning. Just as He longs to save the one who is humiliated, He likewise wants to save the one who humiliates.  

God said His people perish for lack of knowledge and then He also said, we should call on Him and He will answer us and tell us great and unsearchable things we do not know (Jeremiah 33:3). And so that tells me that if a wife genuinely seeks the face of God for an understanding into the secret to the problems and challenges she is facing in her marriage, the Lord is always willing, ready and available to answer her.

One truth about handling a situation that seems so hard to crack in marriage is that in approaching God for help and truth in that misery of a situation, what we carry in our hearts as we approach God matters. And we should be ready to find a solution in God's way and approach through the instructions He gives us rather than our own way. It is very easy to hate a husband that maltreats you. It is convenient have resentment towards a husband who has turned you into a punching bag. So what you most likely will be praying for is vengeance against your husband who has invariably become a monster in your life, forgetting that though God loves you and does not approve of you been maltreated which He has expressed clearly in Malachi 2:16, yet He loves your husband too and He longs that your husband will have a change of heart and character. Just as you need help, your violent husband needs help too, and all of these God sees and knows.

It’s like a mother whose children are always fighting each other; yes one will be on the wrong while the other is right; one will be the bully while the other is the bullied, yet they are siblings born of the same mother. And even though the mother does not like what is happening between her children, still she loves them both and will keep making efforts to mend the broken relationship between her children. She won’t kill one for the other neither will she disown one for the other. This illustration is what we put God through with dispute in our marriages, and for as long as the heart of both spouses are hardened towards each other they not only damage one another emotionally and even physically, they break the heart of God who loves and cares for them both.

No matter how bad or terrible a man is, God has still made his wife a suitable helper for hm. And no matter how bad a husband can be, the combined forces of God and his wife will tame him. Often times an abused wife wants vindication for how she has been treated, she wants vengeance for how she has been treated. What she seeks from God is often to punish her erring husband and when this not the case, she follows her heart and seek for a divorce in the name of running for her dear life and even praises God for it. But if God says He hates divorce and He has not changed His mind on that declaration then I am tempted to say that God did not ask you to divorce neither is He happy you did. Will God forgive that decision you made? I think the answer is yes, but this is not a thing to climb a church podium and give testimony about as a lot of people do today.

In Genesis 2:18 God gave a reason why He created the woman, and that reason is to be a suitable helper to the man who is suppose to be her husband. In that pronouncement of God, He did not specify the area of the husband’s life where the wife is to come in and help, He just said the woman who has become the wife is the suitable helper to the husband. So in any area of the man’s life where help is required, God has provided a helper for him in the person of His wife. Even with the man with a terrible temper and violent nature, still his wife is his suitable helper. And God would really love to use that wife who is her husband’s suitable helper as a vessel or an instrument to bring about a valuable change in the life of the man He created and loves despite his terrible nature.

It is important to pray hard before making a marriage decision, it is also important to check for signs to see and know if your husband has a tendency to be violent once in marriage and retrace your steps on your about to be sealed decision or better still cross check with God properly before signing that certificate. But people change, a man who was not violent before may end up being violent due to circumstances he finds himself but cannot help or he is unable to handle properly. Some men fall foolishly into the hands of evil strange women who are agents of darkness with the mission to spoil the good thing God has provided for your home and steal your joy. They influence your husband and take over his senses and he begins to act strangely. In some other cases the economic of times in these days is enough frustration on its own and a man who is increasingly finding it difficult to cope with the responsibilities on his shoulders gradually becomes violent. Not that he means to, but he has grown to be a frustrated man. In all of these, the wife is still God's vessel in bringing healing to her husband. She is God’s tool of change in the life of her husband.

She will apply the forces of prayer and good attitude, sensitivity to her husband’s mood and plenty of love to fight the war raging in her husband’s life and she will win. You cannot win a war against negativity by been negative too. You can only conquer the negative with a positive and that is why a wife can win any attack in the life of her husband that is affecting her both body and soul by been positive and prayerful.

When you are submitting to your violent husband, its not because you are weak, it because the battle you fight is not against flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers and forces of darkness in high places. And your weapons of war are not harsh words and unbridled tongues or even the fist, but your weapons of war are mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds.

A wife who appears weak and unable to win the war against her husband’s rage of the fist is missing something vital. She might have prayed to God on the matter and be submissive to her husband, but what is she carrying in her heart concerning her husband? Is she able to forgive him truly and genuinely as she prayers? Does she see in her husband a man that can change and become a better person with the touch of God on his life? One too many times we hear wives of violent husbands say things like “he can never change or he is a failure,” when you have made such a negative declaration over the life of the person whom you have been assigned to help, then you complicate issues for yourself, because what you have declared will find a means of manifestation in him. Yet you have been assigned to help him and God has not changed His mind on that. What you say to and about your husband when you are hurt is very important and needs to be watched carefully.

In truth, it is hard task dealing with a violent husband, to have to work on someone who has not just dealt with you physically but more so emotionally is a big assignment. But the grace of God is available for you at all times. I know a lady who overcame an abusive marriage without having to go through a divorce, still with the same husband, but now there is so much love and peace between them. At every opportunity her husband thanks her for sticking with him through the past ugly days. When asked how she coped and was able to turn things around, she said it was and still is only God. She was at the point of depression and had so much resentment for her husband like everyone else in her situation. Then the Lord opened her eyes to His word that she was the suitable helper God has assigned to help her husband become a better person. It was hard for her to comprehend because she didn’t know how and was unwilling to do any good to the man she had grown to hate.

But she loved God and wanted to please God. She could not divorce her husband because she knew that would displease God, yet she hated the man she was living with. So she began to pray that God should help her overcome the resentment she felt for her husband. She prayed that God would love her husband through her because on her own she could not love the man again. Did God answer her prayers? Well her story today tells it all. God practically took control of her situation. When her husband comes home ranting and shouting and nagging, somehow she found herself not responding. No matter what her husband says, no matter the insult, she either was not talking back or would only say “I’m sorry”. Even those words “I am sorry” provoked her husband the more yet she says no word. In the midst of it all she was always praying within her and because she was praying she almost was not hearing what her husband was saying in his rants and shouts.

She submitted to him nonetheless and tried to ensure that all she had to do for him as his wife she did well. Today she tells the world she can’t say for sure how she managed through those days, but God always took over her body and senses that she becomes numb to her husband’s actions. This went on for years and over time she tamed her husband. Not by words but by actions and prayers. They are best of friends now and her husband respects her so much and she has become a model even for him. Till today, this lady still handles her marriage on these values, when her husband is angry she gives him space once she notices he is not willing to open up to her. When he calms down they talk and try to solve the problem together.

In closing I will say, there is nothing impossible for God to handle if we will let him. As a wife you should not compare your husband with anyone else. He is your husband and he is uniquely for you. If you know you are married to a man with a short temper, then you should understand that you have to deal with him with care. If your husband raises his hand to slap you, please never wait for the second slap or even try to challenge him. Run away from the scene to a safe place and lock yourself up till he calms down; the explanation can come later. Where you need to explain something to him in defense or you want to demand an explanation from him, leave it till the demon controlling the air at that time is conquered. While in your hiding place please pray and pray and let the power of God fill the environment where you are and where you husband is. All other things will come after the power of God has saturated the air. You can win the battle with all things still looking and feeling good. May the Lord bless our homes.