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Thursday, 15 June 2017

Helping Each Other Grow

On bended knees, I apologize for another long break in posting something for you to read and learn from. But I feel your prayers and with me rounding up with what I have to do, I pray that I will be able to give myself wholly to reaching out to you again.
My pastor preached a message about two Sundays ago in church and what really ministered to me in that message was in the theme Bible passage that he preached on.

Ephesians 4:14-16 (NLT)
 Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.  

This Bible passage cannot be more fitting for today’s marriage world and just as my pastor was preaching and making continual reference to this passage the one thing that kept coming to my mind was today’s marriage.
Quite a number of times I have noticed that speaking to women on marriage issues, the first thing that comes as a response is that if the women have to do so much in and for their marriages, what do the men have to contribute in and for their marriages. It always appear that the women have to do it all. And the men have concluded that women are the most difficult and complicated living creature to live with. And each time I hear or read stuff like this, my heart bleeds.
Every day the women claim they feel deprived in the world, they want equality with the men and they have practically left their own special work undone while preying into what the man should do and how the man and woman were created equal and should be regarded as such. And the men have become laid back. They have told themselves that women are so difficult and so should just be abandoned. You hear things like “if you show her love there is a problem, if you don’t show her love there is also a problem. So just let go and enjoy your life.” So a man would leave the wife that God has asked him to love and care for and spends more time with his friends in the name of hang outs. So the man has also left his special work undone.
Every time you hear vocal women encourage other women not to let themselves get repressed by the men. They push for gender equality. They tell the woman she is to be respected and all these they do in the name of helping the woman build her self esteem and have a voice and a say in the scheme of things. And so they pumped up the women folk. These pumped up women go home and begin to act strange and start to demand respect and claim equality with their husbands. Sooner than later their marriages are in trouble. In no time the once peaceful home is heading for a divorce in the name of irreconcilable differences. Every day the numbers of failed marriages are growing at an alarming rate.
These so called women encouragers are those Paul says we should be weary of; their message is so clever that they sound like the truth, but they are pack of lies. They are sweet to the ears but have its destroying effects on the heart. When you hear messages like this, try measure them with the truth of the Bible. If God says a wife should submit to her husband as unto God, that alone should let you know that the wife and husband are not equal in the hierarchy of the home. Anybody attempting to teach you equality between the husband and the wife is sowing a seed of destruction in your home. Such a person should not be entertained.
If a woman is claiming equality with another man outside of the marriage setting I might not condemn that; if the man you say you are equal to irrespective of gender is not your husband, then its okay. But this doctrine should not be introduced into the marriage setting. When it comes to the marriage, the husband is the head over his wife as Christ is the head over the husband (Ephesians 5:22-23, 1 Corinthians 11:3). In marriage and in the home, the husband and wife are not equal. The husband is the head of the wife. 
One important truth about marriage that is taught in the theme scripture for this is post is that when you do your own special work in your marriage, you help your spouse to grow. The more you improve on yourself in doing your own special work in that marriage the more you lift your spouse up to grow and own up to his/her own special work and with diligence at work your marriage is healthy, growing and full of love. You do not need to bother much about the performance of your spouse in doing his/her special work, but the more you get yourself better in doing your own special work the more you make room for growth even in the life of your spouse and the more you create an enabling environment for your spouse to do his/her special work too. No wonder Peter said in 1 Peter 3 that a woman will win her unbelieving husband to the Lord through the purity and reverence of her life shinning through her submission to her husband. 
A husband whose wife is yet to be the ideal wife he wants her to be, can only help his wife to grow into what he wants her to be by loving her unconditionally like Christ loves the church. The more he loves his wife the more he helps her grow. And when he loves and keeps loving, it will get to a point the Lord will touch her heart and create in her the will she needs to want to reciprocate the love her husband is showering on her which in turn makes her want to do only those things that are pleasing to her loving husband. In no time the marriage has grown and the home is full of love.
In the same manner, a wife who wants to bring out the good in her husband would do so effectively by submitting to him as unto the Lord. The more you submit to your husband, the more you please him; and the more you please your husband, the more he loves you. In no time you would have drawn out the love of your husband for you. You would have earned his love and helped him to grow. The more your husband loves you, the more he cares for you and pours generously into your life. The more he pours into your life the more God pours into his own life too.
This is God’s way of bringing about positive changes in the lives of His people. For marriage to thrive, those in it should be totally selfless, patient and willing to help the other grow. The more of your special work that you do diligently, the more growth you bring about in the life of your spouse and the more your marriage grows and then the more your home is filled with love. 
Think about it.  


  1. This seems to be old fashioned talk. Marriage is 50 50 give and take. I agree with helping each other grow is the secret to a successful marriage. The reasons that marriages break up today is because couples are not compatible and have nothing in common and there is a break down of communication. I think you are mistakenly women wanting equality for respect.Unfortately in Nigeria there is a lot of domestic violence abuse that inhibits the growth and self confidence of women. A woman should respect her husband but she should not be foolish.

    1. Thank you so very much Fediben Gal for your comment. I really do appreciate it and its create a learning focus for us as we strive towards better marital experience.
      Please note that this old fashion talk has actually improved the marital experience of a lot of people including myself. Of what use is a new fashion talk that is not yielding positive result in the lives and marriages of people. The societal decay we are witnessing today originates from a decay in marital values owing to the new fashion talk in marriage that is doing more harm than good.
      Unfortunately, marriage is not a 50-50 give and talk business. If you are of this mindset then I beg you not to marry. Rather successful marriages are built of the resolute of those getting married to enter into the marriage covenant with 100% comment from both the husband and the wife. If you are not willing to give your 100% into your marriage, then you are not fit for marriage yet.
      Couples who are not compatible as you have put it do not have any business attempting marriage in the first instance. The moment they are married it is for life. What we see today and call incompatibility are two hardened and selfish people who are so self consumed that they give little or no consideration for God or His will to be made manifest in their marriage. Like Jesus said in Matthew 19:8, divorce came into existence because the hearts of men were hard. With the fear of God in your heart and marriage you don't have any business with divorce.
      Domestic violence takes the form of physical abuse, verbal abuse and emotional trauma and both the husband and the wife are guilty of all. Domestic violence is a product of a wife who cannot control her tongue matched with a husband who cannot control his temper. A wise wife married to a hot-tempered husband is a big solution to that man's problem. Think about it.