A Story to Learn From

Hello great people doing great things, I believe that we are all doing great to the glory of God. So, in today’s blog post, I will share a story that I believe we can all learn from. And it’s all about been wise and protective of your marriage.

A lady in her thirties got married to a young man she loved. Her husband was not rich, and he didn’t have a regular paying job. He was a disc junky (those they refer to as DJ). I don’t know about his educational background and I can’t tell anything about the possibility of him getting a regular paying job or what we call the white-collar job. But nonetheless, he was earning a little here and there from what he does.

Before the lady got married, the mother had complained about the financial status of her prospective husband and in fact, objected to their union on the grounds that she preserved the man her daughter was intending to marry was not buoyant enough to take care of her child.

But love prevailed, and the daughter and her fiancé won the fierce battle of emotions and words between her and her mother. Towards the end of last year, the lady got married to the man of her heart, for poorer and richer, in health and sickness, for better and for worse. But before I go further, I need to say that this young lady was brought up with little or no training in home management. She graduated from a good university but only had primary education in kitchen matters and home caring matters. So, I will say that she was not completely trained for the marriage she was gunning for. She was already in her early thirties but was still a baby in the kitchen and home caring stuff.

So that we have a balanced view of the story, I need to also say that the husband helped the wife secure a teaching job in a reputable school as she was unable to get a job years after graduation.

So, they got married and reality set in, the flaws of lack of home management skill began to raise its ugly head, and the lack of finance on the husband’s part was becoming an issue for the wife. They began to quarrel over no-money issues and you can't cook or clean the house complains.

Whenever there was a misunderstanding between them, the wife would run back to her mother’s house to report her husband to her mum, and the mother would give her the things she needed. She would stay back with her mother until her husband comes to beg. And these went on a couple of times. In the midst of these, the wife was pregnant.

At some point, she fell ill from pregnancy complications (which had absolutely nothing to do with her marriage) and went to stay with her mother for proper care. She had her baby premature and was operated on to birth the baby. The tiny baby was put in the incubator and all hands were on deck for the safe recovery of baby and mother. Mother, husband, sister, and brother all helped to ensure that everything went well. To the glory of God, the recovery was smooth. And the wife had to stay a little longer with her mother for proper monitoring and care of her and the baby as the mother could not follow her to her husband's house to assist because of the nature of the mother's job.

In total, the wife stayed six months with her mother in her house and then fight began. When the baby was strong enough and the wife was well enough to resume as a wife to her husband, the mother refused to let her go. She said the husband maltreated her in the first two months of their marriage and was not providing money for her upkeep, so she was calling off the marriage.

The lady was devasted, she would cry and beg her mother that she wanted to go back to her husband but the mother said No. Days ran into weeks and then into months and still, the mother refused to let her go. The husband came around to beg his mother-in-law, but she walked him out of her house. And then the husband got angry and told his wife she can remain with her mother and keep the child as he was tired of always going to beg all the time. He also told the wife that he would stop sending money to her if she remains in her mother’s house.

It was at this point that the wife ran to me for help. You would have thought that why was it difficult for the wife to pack her things to return to her home whether or not her mother approved of it or not, at least she is officially and legally married. Well, I thought so too, but because I know the mother well enough as a very tough and strong-willed woman, I understood the fear that was walking through the lady. I advised her to pray and commit the situation into God’s hands and I left it at that. But that wasn’t going to do.

On another occasion she came to see me in tears, she had had a quarrel with her mum and I could tell her continued stay in her mother’s house was frustrating her badly. I then went to see the mum in order to beg her to release her daughter to go back to her husband's house. And the mother told me all the stories of how her daughter’s husband had been unfair to her daughter and that he was not financially capable to taking care of her daughter let alone an addition of a baby in their home. The mother had threatened the lady with a curse if she returned to the husband's house without her consent.

I thought through all that the mother had told me and called the lady for a deep heart-to-heart talk. I asked the lady if truly the husband had been unfair to her and does not provide money for her upkeep and she told me her husband provides for her. At least he gives her a thousand to two thousand Naira daily depending on how buoyant he was at the time. And so, it was wrong for her mother to say that her husband was not providing for her.  

Now, in the course of our talk, I realized that all the times the wife would have a quarrel with her husband and run to her mother to report were what the mother had gathered as an excuse to stop and break the marriage of her daughter. If the wife had not exposed her husband's inadequacies to her mother, the mother would have no ground to say that her daughter was not taken care of. The interesting thing is that the wife shot herself on the foot. She had her flaws and her husband understood and loved her all the same. But she could not help cover her husband up when he needed her to do so.

After so much begging and pleading, the mother finally lets her daughter return to her matrimonial home but not without the lady learning in a very hard way to keep her marriage issues within the marriage. Now she knows that her husband’s flaws are not a matter for her mother to handle but for God to handle.

So many marriages have been broken solely because of external influence. We always make mistakes of thinking that when we have problems with our marriages our siblings, parents, and relatives are the people we should open up to. That is a very big error because 90% of them will not be objective in dealing with the situation, they will only tell you what you want to hear and join you in going to war against your husband thereby destroying the situation rather than mending it.

If you have a problem in your marriage the first thing you should ever think of doing is to pray and ask for the leading of the Holy Spirit on how to handle the situation to a successful end. We are all God’s children and so you can be sure God will be objective enough to help you heal your marriage in a manner that everyone wins, and no one loses. And if you must open up and seek help which can be necessary in most cases, then seek help from someone you are sure will be able to help you. Seek help from someone who has been through what you are going through and has a testimony to tell. Look for a role model marriage and seek help there. Get experience from those who have the experience that will help you succeed.

I hope we have learned a thing or two from this story. To the glory of God, this lady got her marriage back, for some they never did. I am not encouraging that you be quiet when you should be seeking help, but it’s important to seek help from the right source. In most cases, your relatives are not the right source for objective marriage counseling. 

Who do you let into your marriage? Those who you think should be your closest confidant when it comes to the issue of your marriage might be the ones to help you tear it apart. Learn from this young newly married lady who confided in her mother and it backfired so badly.