Before You Say Yes: What Every Single Person Must Know About Marriage.

I have come to realize that many people say “yes” to marriage without truly understanding what they are saying yes to. Some marry for love. Some for pressure. Some for convenience. But very few are truly prepared for what marriage requires.

Why People Marry

Let me put this in context. One common reason why people marry is love. The belief is that love is a vital deciding factor for a marriage decision to be taken. At the same time, some marriages are forced due to situations such as pregnancy from pre-marital sex.  

Other reasons include marrying for comfort and money, some are forced into marriage by their parents or guardians, and some as a result of self-inflicted societal pressure. Their age pressures them, and what society will think of them as mature singles.

These are just some of the reasons I can think of from the top of my head right now, but I am sure there will be many more. Many have gone into marriages without being fully prepared for what lies ahead. For some, the reason for getting married takes over the marriage preparation mindset.

Marriage Is Not What You Think

I sincerely do not mean to scare you as you read this, but the first thing to note is that there are no two exact marriages, as there are no two exact individuals. So, you cannot base your expectations of marriage on the success or failure of another person’s marital experience.

I suppose this is a good place to start.   

Marriage is a journey of discovery, and if you are not prepared for the adventure, then it’s safe not to take the ride. And I have said it many times and would say it again, TRADITION is the greatest enemy of a successful marriage if the tradition is not based on the WORD of GOD.

If we have to talk about what every single person should know about marriage before saying yes, I think the first thing to look at is the choice of the person you are saying yes to. How did you arrive at the choice of that man or woman that you are about to commit the rest of your life to?

One very important thing I want to state here is that marriage is not a 50-50 partnership. I know that is what our tradition has conveniently impressed on us and has become the yardstick of a successful or failed marriage.

In truth, a successful marriage is all about the individuals in the marriage fulfilling to the utmost their God-assigned roles in marriage. We find these roles stated in Ephesians 5:22-29, Colossians 3:18-19, and 1 Peter 3:1-7, and I discussed them in detail in my blog post titled “What Does the Bible Really Say About Marriage Roles?” So, I’ll encourage you to read it.

Another tradition that runs contrary to the truth of the Bible is that the husband and wife are equal. This is what we have been taught, but that is not what the Bible says. Ephesians 5:23 tells us that the husband is the head of his wife, as Christ is the head of the church.

On the first hearing, this may sound unpleasant to a woman, but it feels like an empowerment to the man. But when we have a clear understanding of what this truly means, the man will know the magnitude of the responsibility attached to his leadership. Again, I will encourage you to read my post on “What Does the Bible Really Say About Marriage Roles?” for clear context.

With what has been discussed so far, you will agree with me that the decision of a life partner is not one to be taken casually, or under pressure, or based on flimsy reasons. God expects a wife to submit to her husband in all things, so choosing who you will submit the rest of your life to requires delicate care.

Also, for the husband, he is expected to lead his wife with unconditional love, service, and sacrifice just as Christ loves the church. Being a husband is not a lord and master privilege; it is a service, and it is important to choose with care the woman you want to serve. Because by God’s design, when you start, you are not expected to stop except for death.

Love Is Not Enough

Traditionally speaking, the major indicator of who to marry is that thing called love, but just a little time down the road, love fades, and the binding force loses its hold. The center can no longer hold, so everyone walks away on the basis of irreconcilable differences. The long story short, love is not enough to base the choice of a marriage partner on.

Many people enter marriage because they are in love, but love alone is not enough to sustain a lifelong commitment. The couples citing irreconcilable differences as a basis for separation were madly in love with each other at the time they both said, “Yes, I do.”

Choosing the Right Partner Matters

If love is not enough, then what would be enough? In answering this question, let us go back to the beginning, the story of the first marriage. Genesis 2:18-25 tells us how the institution of marriage came to be.

First, God noticed that the man He created needed help, and from that man He created the woman, and then brought her to the man, and she became his wife. This is the simple summary that is loaded with truth that we need to uncover.

The making of a wife was not an assignment for the man; it was an assignment for God. The man did not come to the realization that he was lacking in help and so fetched himself a wife. The conception, thought, and delivery of the product started and ended with God.

God Must Be Involved in Your Choice

So if, as a man, you have reached a point of needing help, there first needs to be a discussion between you and God in prayer. Choosing a wife is not about the body shape of the lady or the flirting emotions of the man; it is a deliberate and strategic decision that should be overseen and approved by God.

This is important because there are no marriages without challenges. When God is the pacesetter of your decision, He also becomes the fighter of your battles as the devil tries to attack your marriage.

Learn from Biblical Examples

There are a couple of marriage stories in the Bible, of men who made a choice of a wife without consulting God, and how the story played out. One of such stories is that of Samson in the book of Judges 14. He saw a woman and went to his parents to insist on marrying her. This woman ended up being a deceitful wife.

Even the great Jacob in Genesis 29-31 labored for 14 years to marry beautiful Rachel, who ended up being a selfish, deceitful woman, and also a thief and a liar who stole her father’s household idols and almost brought shame to her husband. 

Before You Say Yes…

No one is capable of truly knowing what is in the mind of another person except what the person chooses to reveal about themselves. The only One capable of knowing the intent of a man’s heart and knowing the future even now is God. To choose peace over chaos in marriage, let God lead you to His choice of a wife for you.

And this also goes for the wife to be. Before saying yes to the man who has captivated your heart, the important first step is to let God give you a confirmation of His approval. This man is the one you will submit the rest of your life to. He will lead you and cover you. You do not want to be led by the wrong head into a journey that is hard to walk away from.

Marriage Is Still Beautiful

But overall, marriage is a beautiful experience. I have been married for over 22 years, and I have experienced my fair share of challenges with no single regret. God has been in it with me all the way, and if there is another life to live, I will choose this path.

Today’s post is the third of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. I have a whole book on marriage titled “God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage.” It speaks a whole lot more about building a marriage that is strong, beautiful, and lasts a lifetime, with real-life stories of struggles in marriage and practical and biblical advice on how to deal with those struggles.

Click the button below to get your copy.

Why Christian Marriages Are Failing Today—And What the Bible Says About It

Christian marriages are not supposed to look like this. Yet today, many are filled with frustration, silence, doubt, and emotional distance. The shocking part? Even strong Christian homes are not spared. So what is really going wrong—and what does God actually say about it?

Why Marriages Are Struggling Today

If there is a time in history when the marriage institution is most threatened, I think it is now. The level of tolerance in marriage seems to be at an all-time low. Many factors have contributed to this, ranging from faulty traditional norms and unrealistic expectations when entering into marriage to the economic situation the world over.

But the sad part of it all is that Christian marriages are also not spared. We are tempted to assume that, as a Christian, the bar should be a little higher, but the reality is that Christians are also humans with the same color of blood running through their veins, and even more so, they are more prone to attacks from satan.

Even Christian Marriages Are Affected

A Christian marriage is a lot more under watch and scrutiny from the devil than the marriage of couples who do not identify as Christians. But other than demonic attacks, Christians are faced with the same harsh economic realities; they also pay bills to enjoy basic amenities, send children to school, buy groceries, and live in the same world as non-Christians.

The regular everyday living pressure added to demonic attacks puts a great deal of pressure on Christian marriages. But do we now say that Christians should not get married to avoid the struggles that come with it? Definitely not.

In my first blog post on the marriage series, I mentioned that marriage is one of the most beautiful things God created. And that is truthfully so. If God created marriage, and He made it beautiful, the first beneficiary of that beautiful entity God created should be His children—those He adopted through the perfect finished work of Jesus.

The last post discussed marriage roles based on the truth of the Bible—the roles of the husband and the wife in marriage. The understanding of these roles is the foundation of a successful marriage. If you have not seen it, I will encourage you to go and check it out.

Marriages struggle when we replace God’s laid-down roles for marriages with baseless traditions and norms. I have heard wives complaining about their husbands, while saying they are not doing the right thing. Some say that is not how a good husband should act or behave, but then you wonder who is setting the rules for a good husband, or what is the yardstick for measuring a good husband.

And the same goes for husbands, who, based on what they have seen in other homes and advice passed down to them by their ancestors, have concluded that their wives are not good enough. Stories from social media platforms that are grossly lacking in truth have also contributed to a great deal of these struggles in marriages.

The Hidden Influence of Social Media

I once heard the story of this couple whose marriage was on the verge of collapse just because the husband had seen multiple videos of men who claimed they had been raising children who were not their biological children, and these husbands never knew.

The continuous exposure to such content on social media platforms began to raise doubts about the paternity of his own children. The fear reached a melting point, and he accused his wife of infidelity with so much conviction without proof that it almost tore them apart.

The wife felt angry and betrayed that her husband could accuse her of such. Interestingly, the husband refused to do a DNA test for the children for fear that his doubt would be confirmed. The strain in the home was palpable. And they carried on like that for close to two years.

This was a strong Christian marriage. The wife was a praying woman. She wanted to get a divorce, but she held herself back from doing it. Over time, events came up that necessitated a paternity test before the children could partake of an important benefit that accrued to them through their father by law.

So, after two years, a DNA test was done, and all the children were confirmed to be biologically his. This is a true-life story and an example of why even Christian marriages struggle.

God, who is an all-knowing God, knew ahead of time that there would be a time such as this that the marriage institution that He created and is good would be under great threat, and we find in many scriptures in the Bible the mind of God when it comes to marriage.

Guarding Your Heart Matters

Beginning with the story I just shared, Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” (NIV). The NKJV version says, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.”

There are a lot of things the Lord takes care of for us as His children, but there are also a lot of things that He teaches us to take care of by ourselves as our responsibility. The things you choose to believe, and the things you allow to control you, are listed under your own responsibility and not God’s.

What you expose yourself to is within your control, and that falls within your responsibility. Solomon says in the book of Proverbs to guard your hearts and do it ever so diligently. If what you hear will generate doubt, then stay away from it. If it will cause you pain, which will in turn cause pain to the one you love, it is safer to stay away. What you do not know does not hurt.

God indeed said in Hosea 4:6 that “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge,” but the knowledge God speaks of is the knowledge of His law—the knowledge of things that edify and promote, and not the knowledge of things that destroy. There is a difference between the two, and God expects that we choose what edifies us.

What God Says About Divorce

In Matthew 19:8, when Jesus was asked about the legitimacy of divorce permitted by Moses, He answered that Moses permitted divorce because the hearts of men were hard, but that in the beginning it was not so. What that says in plain text is that in all of God’s plan for marriage, and based on the truth that God is all-knowing, who knows the beginning from the end, He did not plan divorce into marriage. 

So, divorce is man-made, born out of the hardness of the heart of man, and it is not of God. And the same goes for baseless traditions and norms built into marriages, but that contradict the truth of the Bible. Another truth we should face is that for every marriage struggle, God will not permit divorce as a solution. Divorce is not of God, even though this may be hard to accept.

Malachi 2:16 tells us that God hates divorce. If that is true, what He hates will not be His best solution for your struggles in marriage. I have seen a handful of videos on social media of Christians saying that after praying, God told them to divorce. An example of such is not found in the Bible.

God loves a divorcee, but He hates divorce. A claim of God giving divorce as a solution to struggles in marriage is misleading and is only put out there as an income-generating content bait.

God’s Solution for Marriage

But there is a real and godly solution to marriage struggles found in God’s outlined roles in marriage. This truth is found in Ephesians 5:22-29. It’s a foundation for a successful marriage based on love and submission. This has been discussed and explained explicitly in my last post, so repeating it would not be necessary.

But what I want you to have as a takeaway from this post is that Christian marriages are most definitely under great attack, but even so, God has won the battle even before it began. As a child of God, you own the responsibility to guard your heart diligently.

Protect What God Has Given You

Protect the blessing that God has graciously given to you in your marriage. Proverbs 18:22 tells us that “he who finds a wife, finds what is good and obtains the favor of God.” Marriage is a good thing; it is a favor from God, and you should guard and keep it diligently.  

Today’s post is the second of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. I have a whole book on marriage titled “God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage.” It speaks a whole lot more about building a marriage that is strong, beautiful, and lasts a lifetime, with real-life stories of struggles in marriage and practical and biblical advice on how to deal with those struggles.

Click the bookshelf below to get your copy.

What Does the Bible Actually Say About Marriage Roles? (Ephesians 5 Explained)

Many marriages today are filled with silent frustration. Some wives feel unloved, unseen, and emotionally drained. Some husbands feel disrespected, rejected, and stripped of their authority. And in the middle of all this confusion, one question keeps coming up: Did God really design marriage this way?

I know that some people may not agree to this, but marriage is one of the most beautiful things created by God. Not that marriage is without its challenges, but the truth is, when marriage is pursued in the way and manner in which God designed it, then what we see as challenges of marriage are situations that God had provided for as He was designing the marriage institution at the very beginning.

The Reality of Marriage Today

When we try to look at some of the challenging situations facing marriages today, most of the complaints of wives are that they do not feel loved and appreciated, they feel invisible in their own home, some feel afraid of their husbands, they feel suppressed and drained of their self-esteem and worth, and others say they feel like slaves in their homes. The sum of all these is that these women feel drained of love.

Then, coming to the men, some of the complaints are that their wives make them feel less than men. They don’t feel respected by their wives. They complain of their wives being stubborn and unwilling to take instructions. Their ego is bruised, and their authority in the home is undermined and continuously challenged. And this gets worse when a man is financially incapable of meeting his financial obligations to his family.

But as I said, all of these are issues that God had anticipated and prepared for when He instituted marriage at the beginning. In order to understand marriage roles and what can practically help married couples overcome a lot of these issues mentioned above, we need to go back to the Bible.

What the Bible Says About Marriage Roles

When addressing roles in marriage, I noticed that every scripture that I have encountered addressed the wives first. In Ephesians 5:22-31, 1 Peter 3:1-7, and Colossians 3:18-19, it all appears in the same order. The wife is the first to be mentioned in the Bible, as it addresses the issue of roles in marriage.

I suppose this speaks to a truth that a wife is the home builder of every marriage. Proverbs 14:1 tells us that a wise woman builds her home. But going back to the issue of roles, Ephesians 5:22-24 says, the wife should submit to her husband as to the Lord. The scripture goes on to say that the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church, and just as the church is subject to Christ, so is a wife subject to her husband.

Understanding Submission (What It Really Means)

This scripture feels like a wife is a subordinate when it is read without understanding. But it is not so. This is my own understanding of this matter; as a wife, having a husband is like God giving you a physical caregiver. Someone in human form, just like you, to take care of you. And He likened that relationship to what Jesus has for the church. So, as a wife, you are not designed to be a subordinate; you are designed to be loved.

If someone has been assigned to take care of you and you do not submit to such a person or take instructions from such a person, his ability to fulfill his responsibility to you is obstructed. Your inability to yield to his authority is a hindrance to him from doing what God has assigned him to do in your life. So, with this understanding, God addresses the wife first.

With this understanding, I am discovering that there is a benefit to submission in marriage. In many healthy marriages, wives who understand submission as God designed and abide by it often experience deeper peace and harmony.

Submission Is Not Suppression

But before going ahead to talk about the role of men in marriage, I need to clarify some things about submission in marriage. Submission is not suppression. It is true that as a wife, you are subject to your husband and you should yield to his authority over your life, but you should not lose your self-worth and self-identity doing so.

I was watching some YouTube Shorts yesterday, and I came across a podcast that resonated with me and has lived in my head since I watched it. The speaker said the Holy Spirit told her that if her husband is a narcissist, then she is an idol worshipper. A narcissist will only thrive when there is someone who worships him.

Now, it is important to state at this point that submission in marriage does not mean that your husband should be worshipped. You can submit to your husband without worshipping him. You should only worship God and no other. When your husband becomes your source of validation, and your whole life is all about pleasing him and getting validated by him, then that is no longer submission but worship.

My Personal Journey with Submission

About a year into my marriage, I started feeling less loved and very invisible in my home; my opinion didn’t matter, and I felt unseen, unheard, and drained of self-worth. I was frustrated, and I prayed for a divorce. I loved God and knew that I couldn’t take a walk out of my marriage without His consent. 

God didn’t give me the go-ahead to divorce; His words to me were to submit to my husband as unto the Lord. It was hard, but I learned submission. I learned the difference between submission and respect. And over time, I began to see positive changes in my marriage.

But in the years after that, things began to spiral down again. It was as though nothing had changed, even though there had been a prior positive shift. It appeared the progress made was reversed. This second time, I was not praying to God; I was worshipping Him. I worshipped God in praise to the point of getting soaked in tears.

When Submission Becomes Unhealthy

That process brought me to a realization of what I had pointed out earlier. I had turned submission to my husband into worshipping him. He became my source of validation, and I always wanted to please him, and that was draining me because the goal post kept shifting.

And what I got in return was what I had hated and prayed against. I felt unseen and unheard all over again. God opened my mind and redirected me to Himself. It took me another long season of building my own self-worth, expecting zero validation from my husband, without violating the submission rule. I remained under the leadership of my husband, but I developed myself.

 I took time to build value in myself with the help of God. I took instructions from my husband, but I ran all my decisions through God. I prayed over everything and listened for God’s voice in all that I do. The result is more respect from my husband. He has now placed more trust in my decisions and opinions, while I still submit to him as his wife.

The Role of the Husband: Love Like Christ

Now, let’s head to the more serious role, which is the role of a husband in marriage. Ephesians 5:25-29 speaks in clear terms of the role of the husband in marriage. He is to love his wife just in the manner in which Christ loves the church.

In understanding this better, God gave Christ as a sample model of what He expects in a husband. A husband is responsible for the care of his wife as much as he is responsible for the care of his own body.

He is responsible for the cleansing and sanctification of his wife just as Christ is for the church. He is head over his wife, not as a lord over her, but as a covering. He is not to punish his wife to submission, but to love her to submission, giving himself up for her, in the manner in which Christ did for the church.

The husband is the head of his wife, but he is not lord over her to be worshipped. The pattern of leadership modeled by Christ for the husband is a leadership through love, sacrifice, and service. And this is why Malachi 2:16 tells us that God hates a man who covers himself with violence as with his garment.

The responsibility placed by God on a husband is important and delicate. It is a role in marriage that involves selflessness, sacrifice, service, and a deep and unconditional love. A man who is not ready for this huge role should not venture into marriage. The love that carries a marriage through is not flirting and surrounded by terms and conditions. It is sacrificial and forever giving.

It is a love that teaches with patience and endurance. This love needs to keep proving its worth tirelessly until the goal of submission is reached and sustained. And after submission is reached, it does not become aggressive and arrogant. It is a love that cares and shows respect for the one it cares for.

A husband is not called to control—he is called to sacrifice. Not to dominate—but to serve.

Not to demand submission—but to inspire it through love.

God’s Design for a Balanced Marriage

These are the God-ordained roles in marriage. The wife is to submit to her husband as unto the Lord, and the husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. It is true to say that this is the basis of every successful marriage. A deep understanding of these requirements of marriage does not just make marriage successful, but it also wins the war against every challenge that a marriage may encounter.

Today’s post is the first of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. I have a whole book on marriage titled “God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage.” It speaks a whole lot more about building a marriage that is strong, beautiful, and lasts a lifetime, with real-life stories of struggles in marriage and practical and biblical advice on how to deal with those struggles.

To grab a copy, click on the button below.