Many marriages today are filled with silent frustration. Some wives feel unloved, unseen, and emotionally drained. Some husbands feel disrespected, rejected, and stripped of their authority. And in the middle of all this confusion, one question keeps coming up: Did God really design marriage this way?
I know that some people may not agree to this, but marriage
is one of the most beautiful things created by God. Not that marriage is
without its challenges, but the truth is, when marriage is pursued in the way
and manner in which God designed it, then what we see as challenges of marriage
are situations that God had provided for as He was designing the marriage
institution at the very beginning.
The Reality of Marriage Today
When we try to look at some of the challenging situations
facing marriages today, most of the complaints of wives are that they do not
feel loved and appreciated, they feel invisible in their own home, some feel
afraid of their husbands, they feel suppressed and drained of their self-esteem
and worth, and others say they feel like slaves in their homes. The sum of all
these is that these women feel drained of love.
Then, coming to the men, some of the complaints are that
their wives make them feel less than men. They don’t feel respected by their
wives. They complain of their wives being stubborn and unwilling to take
instructions. Their ego is bruised, and their authority in the home is undermined
and continuously challenged. And this gets worse when a man is financially
incapable of meeting his financial obligations to his family.
But as I said, all of these are issues that God had
anticipated and prepared for when He instituted marriage at the beginning. In
order to understand marriage roles and what can practically help married
couples overcome a lot of these issues mentioned above, we need to go back to
the Bible.
What the Bible Says About Marriage Roles
When addressing roles in marriage, I noticed that every
scripture that I have encountered addressed the wives first. In Ephesians
5:22-31, 1 Peter 3:1-7, and Colossians 3:18-19, it all appears in the same
order. The wife is the first to be mentioned in the Bible, as it addresses the
issue of roles in marriage.
I suppose this speaks to a truth that a wife is the home
builder of every marriage. Proverbs 14:1 tells us that a wise woman builds her
home. But going back to the issue of roles, Ephesians 5:22-24 says, the wife
should submit to her husband as to the Lord. The scripture goes on to say that
the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church, and
just as the church is subject to Christ, so is a wife subject to her husband.
Understanding Submission (What It Really Means)
This scripture feels like a wife is a subordinate when it is
read without understanding. But it is not so. This is my own understanding of
this matter; as a wife, having a husband is like God giving you a physical
caregiver. Someone in human form, just like you, to take care of you. And He
likened that relationship to what Jesus has for the church. So, as a wife, you
are not designed to be a subordinate; you are designed to be loved.
If someone has been assigned to take care of you and you do
not submit to such a person or take instructions from such a person, his
ability to fulfill his responsibility to you is obstructed. Your inability to
yield to his authority is a hindrance to him from doing what God has assigned
him to do in your life. So, with this understanding, God addresses the wife
first.
With this understanding, I am discovering that there is a
benefit to submission in marriage. In many healthy marriages, wives who
understand submission as God designed and abide by it often experience deeper
peace and harmony.
Submission Is Not Suppression
But before going ahead to talk about the role of men in
marriage, I need to clarify some things about submission in marriage.
Submission is not suppression. It is true that as a wife, you are subject to
your husband and you should yield to his authority over your life, but you
should not lose your self-worth and self-identity doing so.
I was watching some YouTube Shorts yesterday, and I came
across a podcast that resonated with me and has lived in my head since I
watched it. The speaker said the Holy Spirit told her that if her husband is a
narcissist, then she is an idol worshipper. A narcissist will only thrive when
there is someone who worships him.
Now, it is important to state at this point that submission
in marriage does not mean that your husband should be worshipped. You can
submit to your husband without worshipping him. You should only worship God and
no other. When your husband becomes your source of validation, and your whole
life is all about pleasing him and getting validated by him, then that is no
longer submission but worship.
My Personal Journey with Submission
About a year into my marriage, I started feeling less loved
and very invisible in my home; my opinion didn’t matter, and I felt unseen,
unheard, and drained of self-worth. I was frustrated, and I prayed for a
divorce. I loved God and knew that I couldn’t take a walk out of my marriage without
His consent.
God didn’t give me the go-ahead to divorce; His words to me
were to submit to my husband as unto the Lord. It was hard, but I learned
submission. I learned the difference between submission and respect. And over
time, I began to see positive changes in my marriage.
But in the years after that, things began to spiral down
again. It was as though nothing had changed, even though there had been a prior
positive shift. It appeared the progress made was reversed. This second time, I
was not praying to God; I was worshipping Him. I worshipped God in praise to
the point of getting soaked in tears.
When Submission Becomes Unhealthy
That process brought me to a realization of what I had
pointed out earlier. I had turned submission to my husband into worshipping him.
He became my source of validation, and I always wanted to please him, and that
was draining me because the goal post kept shifting.
And what I got in return was what I had hated and prayed
against. I felt unseen and unheard all over again. God opened my mind and redirected
me to Himself. It took me another long season of building my own self-worth,
expecting zero validation from my husband, without violating the submission
rule. I remained under the leadership of my husband, but I developed myself.
I took time to build
value in myself with the help of God. I took instructions from my husband, but
I ran all my decisions through God. I prayed over everything and listened for
God’s voice in all that I do. The result is more respect from my husband. He has
now placed more trust in my decisions and opinions, while I still submit to him
as his wife.
The Role of the Husband: Love Like Christ
Now, let’s head to the more serious role, which is the role
of a husband in marriage. Ephesians 5:25-29 speaks in clear terms of the role
of the husband in marriage. He is to love his wife just in the manner in which
Christ loves the church.
In understanding this better, God gave Christ as a sample
model of what He expects in a husband. A husband is responsible for the care of
his wife as much as he is responsible for the care of his own body.
He is responsible for the cleansing and sanctification of
his wife just as Christ is for the church. He is head over his wife, not as a
lord over her, but as a covering. He is not to punish his wife to submission,
but to love her to submission, giving himself up for her, in the manner in
which Christ did for the church.
The husband is the head of his wife, but he is not lord
over her to be worshipped. The pattern of leadership modeled by Christ for the
husband is a leadership through love, sacrifice, and service. And this is why
Malachi 2:16 tells us that God hates a man who covers himself with violence as
with his garment.
The responsibility placed by God on a husband is important
and delicate. It is a role in marriage that involves selflessness, sacrifice,
service, and a deep and unconditional love. A man who is not ready for this
huge role should not venture into marriage. The love that carries a marriage
through is not flirting and surrounded by terms and conditions. It is
sacrificial and forever giving.
It is a love that teaches with patience and endurance. This
love needs to keep proving its worth tirelessly until the goal of submission is
reached and sustained. And after submission is reached, it does not become
aggressive and arrogant. It is a love that cares and shows respect for the one
it cares for.
God’s Design for a Balanced Marriage
These are the God-ordained roles in marriage. The wife is to
submit to her husband as unto the Lord, and the husband is to love his wife as
Christ loves the church. It is true to say that this is the basis of every
successful marriage. A deep understanding of these requirements of marriage
does not just make marriage successful, but it also wins the war against every
challenge that a marriage may encounter.
Today’s post is the first of a three-month series on the big
topic of marriage. I have a whole book on marriage titled “God’s Rules of Engagement
in Marriage.” It speaks a whole lot more about building a marriage that is
strong, beautiful, and lasts a lifetime, with real-life stories of struggles in
marriage and practical and biblical advice on how to deal with those struggles.
To grab a copy, click on the button below.
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