A Very Tough Advice I had to Give

Some time ago, a lady confided in my husband about her failed marriage. Apparently, her husband was a friend of my husband. She felt that since the two men were good friends, she could speak to my husband to positively influence her husband. Her husband had taken a second wife without her knowledge, and she was torn apart (who wouldn't be?). But then my husband proffered a solution: She should speak with me. So she came to the house, and we had a heart-to-heart discussion.

Unlike what she would have wanted to hear from me, my God-sent advice to her was to go fight for her marriage. By so doing, she was to show love, respect, and submission to her husband as though she was the only one married to him. My advice to her was for her to be the best thing that could ever happen to her husband, and in so doing, she was to pray to God and ask for the leading of the Holy Spirit to show her the missing link in her husband's life that she was to fill and how she could fill the space. Rather than fight, she was to act as though she was the only wife and woman in her husband's life. Though this would be a tough thing to do (obviously so), with prayers (plenty of it) and reliance on the strength and grace of God, it was very possible for her to do it. 

I encouraged her to be the sufficiency in her husband's life to the point where he would not have any feelings of inadequacy to the point of seeking adequacy elsewhere. As long as there was no physical abuse, the grace of God was all she needed to fight and win her battle. Every battle in marriage and life generally requires different tactics and approaches, and it's only God who would fight the battle on our behalf that determines the suited approach for the issue at hand. 

I am sure a lot of people reading this now will say that the man who will cheat will definitely cheat no matter how good his wife is. But sincerely, that is not true. The way to overcome infidelity in marriage is not about trusting your man not to cheat. It's about entrusting your man into the hands of God and believing God not to let him do anything that will affect the stability of your marriage. Your husband can fall even when he does not mean to; he will disappoint you unintentionally. But God can never disappoint your trust in Him. A man will always be tempted, but he can overcome such temptation with the help of the Holy Spirit through the fervent prayer of his wife. Also, if, as a wife, you become to your husband his true sufficiency with the help of the Holy Spirit leading your life and steps in marriage, you give your husband one less reason to fall under temptation when he remembers that he has a queen at home who will do everything it takes to make him feel like a king. If a man is made to feel special in his home, he has no reason other than greed to seek anyone outside of his wife to make him feel special.

Before I continue my story, I know many wives would say they have tried everything within their understanding to make their husbands feel special, yet they remain unfaithful to them. Well, I have learned over time that there are many things that I think I know but flop at. There are many things that I assumed I did right but actually got wrong. You can imagine making a very special dish for your husband, and he gets home only to show interest in eating something entirely different from what you have labored to make. So, wives trying to please their husbands with self-effort dance in the face of frustration. But there is Someone who knows your spouse more than you do, and that Someone is God. So, when you ask God to show you how to make your husband feel like a king, He directs you perfectly. Whatever you do by the leading of the Spirit of God in you, you will never miss the target. Trying to please and satisfy your husband with your understanding is likened to chasing after the wind because his likes will change frequently, and you will get frustrated trying to meet up. But with the help of God, you can never miss the target. When God is in the mix, everything He leads you to do and you obey will be right on target. 

So, going back to my story, I shared all of these ideas with this troubled wife, but she was too hurt to listen or accept. First, she complained and wondered how she could treat a man who abandoned her for another woman special. She also wondered how possible it was to treat like a king a man who doesn't care how she and the children were fairing. And she told me point blank that it was impossible to ever make love with a man who has given himself to another woman.

I then wondered why she was running around seeking intervention in a marriage she wasn't ready to fight for and wasn't willing to make efforts to remedy. I asked her what she wanted from the man if she wasn't willing to forgive and give anything capable of drawing him back to her. Well, she told me she just wanted the man to take responsibility for his family.

A couple of years later, the man took a third wife. And then had a fraud case at work and was dismissed. Whatever responsibility the first wife sought from the husband towards her and the children was no longer possible as he was not financially capable of taking up any financial responsibility. I will say that this man failed woefully, but I will say his wife failed much more.

The Bible tells us in Ecclesiastes 4:10 that if a man falls, his companion will lift him up, but woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to lift him up. What other fall is more common than the fall to sin, and what other companion does a man need to lift him up than his wife, whom God has designated as his suitable helper. This is really hard to accept, but it's the honest truth. Even though we feel betrayed when our spouses are unfaithful to us, you shouldn't snuff out the life out of your marriage for that reason. It hurts, and yes, I know it hurts, but much more than the hurt we feel is the grace we have in Christ Jesus to forgive and repair, and by so doing, we kill the hold of the devil over our marriages.

I agree that it takes the grace of God to follow through with such advice as this, but let's consider the other options, which are break-up and divorce. Now, which of these alternatives is better for the situation? When we hear from a divorced person, they'll tell you the scare never goes away. And we do not talk of the scare on just the couple, but also on their children (if any). Thinking deeply about this, which would you rather do? Forgive and repair, or take a walk and divorce?