How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage Biblically

The greatest singular deal breaker for marriages is CHEATING. Marriages fall apart for many reasons, but the greatest of them all is when one spouse becomes unfaithful to the other. I have spoken to a lot of people who say that once they find out that their spouse is cheating on them, they can no longer remain in such a marriage.

It is interesting to see in Matthew 19:9 that it is only sexual immorality that Jesus gave as an exemption for allowing for a divorce. We find it everywhere in the Bible, starting from Exodus 20:5 (in the 10 commandments), that God is a jealous God.

But it is worthy of note that God's jealousy is not rooted in insecurity but in His commitment to covenant faithfulness. If that is the case, then it is expected that we who are formed and fashioned in His image and likeness will be jealous beings. Not with an unholy jealousy, but one that expects faithfulness in a marriage union and commitment to the marriage vows that were exchanged.  

The Fear of Infidelity in Marriage

So, when people say that infidelity is a deal breaker for them in marriage, they are just expressing who they have been fashioned to be. It is human nature to be jealous. But not being jealous to the point that it leads to sin and pushes you to do terrible things.

In my last post, where I discussed the marriage covenant, and the content of the vows we take and the oath we swear to in marriage, one of the items in that oath is a pledge to be faithful in marriage. So, expecting faithfulness in marriage is not out of place. It is a promise that was made, a covenant that was entered into, and that promise is expected to be fulfilled.

Can You Truly Trust Your Spouse?

But here is another twist to it that makes it a little interesting. When you enter into a marriage covenant, you expect faithfulness, and so you invest trust in your spouse based on the faithfulness that you are hoping for. But now Jeremiah 17:5 says, “Thus says the Lord: Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart departs from the Lord.”

Some people may want to say that this scripture does not apply to the marriage situation, while others may start to get confused as to how to run the marriage without trust if the Lord says cursed is anyone who trusts man. How do you be with a spouse that you are not expected to trust?

This is where we begin to tackle the topic of discussion for this blog post. How to affair-proof one's marriage based on the truth of the Bible. I want to start this by saying, trying to monitor your spouse and playing the detective to affair-proof your marriage never works. It only leads to heartache at the end of the day.

Coming from a one-time marriage detective, I can tell you truthfully that you will get your mind and heart messed up trying to monitor who your spouse interacts with when it comes to the opposite gender. The more you look, the more you see what will break your heart. But please note that I am not saying that you should overlook a cheating spouse, but there are better and more reassuring ways of handling this, and that is what I will be sharing in this blog.

How Affairs Often Begin

When God says cursed is the man who puts his trust in man, He sure knows why He made such a statement. Oftentimes, infidelity in marriage doesn’t always happen out of malice, greed, or lack of love. What starts as an innocent communication or help being rendered to a friend may quickly snowball into an affair without those involved noticing early enough to press the brakes.

Before you blink an eye, what started as a simple friendship grows into an emotional attachment, and gradually, an affair is born. In fact, those involved will argue that they are just close friends and nothing more, because physical touch has not entered into the conversation. Until temptation presents itself and a boundary that should never have been crossed is crossed.

In some cases, these two who have erred may feel the guilt and hit the brakes at that point. In some other cases, the emotional attachment may have run so deep that ending it at one mistake becomes a call too hard to make, and they continue the secret affair and remain a loving yet deceitful spouse in their respective marriage as long as they don’t get caught.

So, in reality, not all cheating spouses set out to hurt their partners in marriage; not all of them cheat out of lust and greed. But the truth still remains that they have broken their marriage covenant of faithfulness, they have sinned, they have broken the trust invested in them, and they have hurt the one who loves them dearly.

For some, this sin is grave and unforgivable, and for others, they extend grace and forgiveness and allow the union to continue with the assignment of making the offending spouse earn the trust that they were freely given at the onset of the marriage.

But how can you affair-proof your marriage when all that you can control is you and not your spouse? The greatest self-deceit that anyone can have is to think they can control their spouse without the spouse freely and willingly yielding that control. To answer this, I will share a true-life story that best illustrates my take on this.

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A Story About Trusting God with Infidelity

There is a couple who have been married for less than 10 years, and the wife was convinced that her husband was anything but faithful to her. He always had a reason to be away from home. He spent less time with her and more with everyone else. She was getting miserable in her marriage with her absentee husband.

It got so bad that he wasn’t even providing for the family anymore. She had to find a way to take care of herself and her two children. There was always a very good reason why money was not available. So, she began to sniff around him. She would see deposit slips with strange names on them and ask questions. There was always a lie for every question.

She moved on to checking his phones, and her fears started getting confirmed. She would see messages exchanged with other women, and then she knew where the attention and money were being invested. On many occasions, she would confront him, and they would fight over it. Her husband would beg and promise to stop, but it was all for a better cover-up next time. Nothing changed, just better concealed.

When the wife became tired of the lies, she made up her mind that it was time for a divorce. But before making the call to walk away, she prayed to God. God was her only hope. She could not decide on anything without consulting God first. She cried bitterly as she prayed. She loved her husband and wanted the marriage to work, but she was tired of the lies and deceit. She sought God from the depths of her pain, and God spoke to her.

The Lord spoke to her and promised to fix the infidelity issue in her marriage if she would trust Him (God) rather than expect her husband to change on His own accord. She made up her mind to commit to trusting God with the painful issue of infidelity rather than checking her husband’s phone or fighting him over his lack of attention to her and their children.

For her, trusting God was more reassuring than the countless broken promises from her husband. She got a word from God, and she ran with it. With this approach, she began to feel less betrayed, having her hope and trust in God, who had never failed her, than to expect anything from her husband. She shifted her focus away from monitoring her husband and placed her trust fully in God.

Gradually, without words or any input from her, her husband began to change. He went out less frequently, spending time with her and their children. It was initially strange, but over time, as they conversed more, she noticed her husband became more fearful of sexually transmitted diseases.

She didn’t know why there was a sudden fear, but that made him more cautious with his lifestyle and more faithful to his marriage covenant. There was an unexplainable positive shift that she was noticing and learning to enjoy. Up to the time I heard the story, they had both tested negative for any sexually communicable disease, but the fear of it has maintained faithfulness in their marriage.

It is worth noting that your own redemption story might not exactly be like this story that I just shared. The Lord knows your spouse more than you can ever do. He alone can arrest his heart in a way that you can never imagine. So, every marriage facing infidelity will not unfold exactly this same way. However, this story demonstrates that God is able to work in hearts and situations beyond our ability to control.

What Only God Can Do

One major takeaway for me in this story is that only God can do what we cannot do for ourselves if we hand it over to Him. Trusting that a cheating spouse would change for those who have killed their conscience towards the sin of adultery is like waiting for a thing that may never arrive.

But Proverbs 21:1 tells us that “The king’s heart is in the hands of the Lord, like rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes.” The heart of your spouse is in the hands of the Lord; only God can direct His heart to do what He pleases. So, when you commit that infidelity issue into God’s hands, He knows how to make your spouse faithful in ways you can never imagine.

The Biblical Way to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

The Biblical way to affair-proof your marriage is to trust God to keep your spouse faithful to the covenant they swore to you in marriage. It’s not that you will not trust your spouse; you will route your trust through God to your spouse. The idea is to cover your marriage in prayer against extra-marital affairs and trust God that what you have prayed for, He will do.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 shares the great benefit of trusting God above any man. Nothing gives you more peace in your life than knowing that the Lord is handling your affairs, because nothing fails in His hands. Jeremiah 17:9-10, on the other hand, tells us the danger of trusting man, because the heart of man is deceitful. But only God searches that heart, and only God knows and can deal with the deceitful heart that you cannot know.

But there is one more thing you need to do. It is established that you cannot control your spouse, and so we will handle that through prayers. But you gave control over yourself, and so we can’t conclude on this without discussing the self-actions you need to take to affair-proof your marriage.

As a partner in your marriage, you also need to remain accountable to your spouse and maintain healthy boundaries with friendships outside of your spouse. Be on alert to know when you need to press the brakes on any association that poses a threat to your marriage. And while praying to God that your spouse remains faithful to you, pray that the Lord will also help you stay true to your covenant of faithfulness.

Trusting God with Your Marriage

In conclusion, I will say this: if you want to maintain your peace of mind in marriage, put all the concerns of your marriage into God’s hands and trust Him to faithfully keep that which you have entrusted to Him. Then you can relieve yourself of any anxiety and enjoy abundant love in your marriage, knowing that it’s all in God’s hands. With God, there is no need for suspicions; your marriage is already affair-proofed.

Today’s post is the sixth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

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