Unity In Marriage - A Big Lesson (1)

It’s been a long time that I shared a blog and I am beginning to need you (who read this and enjoy it) to help me pray for strength. I won’t make too much promises, but I just pray the Lord will give me grace and strength to improve on my performance in Jesus name.

There is a date I will encourage you to keep in your calendar, and that date is the 1^st of December 2018. For the first time, we are having to go beyond just the blog to a live audience. Let’s discuss this marriage issue life and there is a very blessed male speaker on board to discuss with us the ills of marriage from a masculine perspective and with the Holy Spirit as our very first lead. And with that said, let's go into the discussion for this post.

There is a divine revelation that we still don’t have when it comes to the issue of marriage. Marriage is not just for the provision of material things, marriage is not just for companionship, it’s a little beyond that. Marriage is not just for reproduction or the desire for physical needs, its bigger than all of these that I have just mentioned. What I have discovered marriage to be, is two people coming together to work together to achieve success in life. When you have a divine revelation of this one important focus in marriage, you will take the unity of your marriage a little bit more seriously.

Genesis 11:6

The Lord said, “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.

Matthew 18:19

Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.

Ecclesiastes 4:19

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:

Above are passages to show the very important fiber of your marriage. The very important reason among many other reasons why God instituted marriage and that import fiber, is the power of agreement. The power of unity. Unity in marriage breaks the barrier of impossibility. And no matter how successful you think you are alone, you can get better than that when there is unity of purpose and goal with your spouse and when you run that race with the one whom the Lord has designated to your life as your destiny helper.

People would always pray for destiny helpers to come their way, interestingly for those who are married the destiny helper is that one person they are married to. They have the answer to their prayers, yet they do not know it. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord”, and then Proverbs 19:14 says, “Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.” If God does not lie and the Bible is true, then the one to help your destiny the most is the one you call husband or wife.

Now let’s analyze this together; Amos 3:3 says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” And then we read in Matthew 18:19 that if two agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for them by God in heaven (His Father and our Father). That tells me that the issue of agreement in marriage must be intentional and deliberate. The agreement won’t just happen, those involved would have to intentionally make it happen. This is because there is a goal to be achieved, success needs to be the focus of the union.

Unity in marriage just does not appear, we work for it. We get intentional about it, we make it happen. And this we do because we know that we are each other’s destiny helpers. The agreement of the husband and the wife brings about all-around success, not just in the marriage, but in every area of their lives including their financial lives. Because when they agree together speaking as one people, nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them to do. God said it, it is true, there is no doubt about it. I have tried this in my marriage and I have found it to be very true.

In the very early days of my marriage, like two months into the marriage, my husband and I draw up a list of what we wanted to have as a couple. Furnishings for our house, electronic gadgets and all. We wrote them down somewhere and hoped to thick off as we accomplish each one. About twelve years into the marriage I stumbled on that list as I was cleaning the house. We had moved houses twice in between the time the list was written and the time I eventually saw it and someway somehow, the list was moving everywhere with us and we didn’t even realize it. So I showed my husband the list in excitement when I saw it, we had accomplished all that was on the list and even grown beyond it. I was so thanking God for his faithfulness to us. But my husband wasn’t as excited as I was. In fact, he was not excited at all and I wondered why. He told me yes, we accomplished all, but did I consider the time factor? It took way longer than we anticipated. That dampened my spirit and got me thinking. But the answer was not farfetched. The Holy Spirit was quick to remind me that the years of our disagreement, those years we were married but living like separate individuals didn’t count at all. We delayed our breakthrough, it had nothing to do with God, but everything to do with us. If we agreed to make a request and then disagreed afterward before receiving our answer, who will God give the answer to? So He waits till we agree again and then He blesses us because our request was made in agreement and answer will be received in agreement.

There is so much more to discuss on this topic and so throughout this week, we will focus on the importance of unity in marriage. So until tomorrow, stay blessed. 

A Story to Learn From

Hello great people doing great things, I believe that we are all doing great to the glory of God. So, in today’s blog post, I will share a story that I believe we can all learn from. And it’s all about been wise and protective of your marriage.

A lady in her thirties got married to a young man she loved. Her husband was not rich, and he didn’t have a regular paying job. He was a disc junky (those they refer to as DJ). I don’t know about his educational background and I can’t tell anything about the possibility of him getting a regular paying job or what we call the white-collar job. But nonetheless, he was earning a little here and there from what he does.

Before the lady got married, the mother had complained about the financial status of her prospective husband and in fact, objected to their union on the grounds that she preserved the man her daughter was intending to marry was not buoyant enough to take care of her child.

But love prevailed, and the daughter and her fiancé won the fierce battle of emotions and words between her and her mother. Towards the end of last year, the lady got married to the man of her heart, for poorer and richer, in health and sickness, for better and for worse. But before I go further, I need to say that this young lady was brought up with little or no training in home management. She graduated from a good university but only had primary education in kitchen matters and home caring matters. So, I will say that she was not completely trained for the marriage she was gunning for. She was already in her early thirties but was still a baby in the kitchen and home caring stuff.

So that we have a balanced view of the story, I need to also say that the husband helped the wife secure a teaching job in a reputable school as she was unable to get a job years after graduation.

So, they got married and reality set in, the flaws of lack of home management skill began to raise its ugly head, and the lack of finance on the husband’s part was becoming an issue for the wife. They began to quarrel over no-money issues and you can't cook or clean the house complains.

Whenever there was a misunderstanding between them, the wife would run back to her mother’s house to report her husband to her mum, and the mother would give her the things she needed. She would stay back with her mother until her husband comes to beg. And these went on a couple of times. In the midst of these, the wife was pregnant.

At some point, she fell ill from pregnancy complications (which had absolutely nothing to do with her marriage) and went to stay with her mother for proper care. She had her baby premature and was operated on to birth the baby. The tiny baby was put in the incubator and all hands were on deck for the safe recovery of baby and mother. Mother, husband, sister, and brother all helped to ensure that everything went well. To the glory of God, the recovery was smooth. And the wife had to stay a little longer with her mother for proper monitoring and care of her and the baby as the mother could not follow her to her husband's house to assist because of the nature of the mother's job.

In total, the wife stayed six months with her mother in her house and then fight began. When the baby was strong enough and the wife was well enough to resume as a wife to her husband, the mother refused to let her go. She said the husband maltreated her in the first two months of their marriage and was not providing money for her upkeep, so she was calling off the marriage.

The lady was devasted, she would cry and beg her mother that she wanted to go back to her husband but the mother said No. Days ran into weeks and then into months and still, the mother refused to let her go. The husband came around to beg his mother-in-law, but she walked him out of her house. And then the husband got angry and told his wife she can remain with her mother and keep the child as he was tired of always going to beg all the time. He also told the wife that he would stop sending money to her if she remains in her mother’s house.

It was at this point that the wife ran to me for help. You would have thought that why was it difficult for the wife to pack her things to return to her home whether or not her mother approved of it or not, at least she is officially and legally married. Well, I thought so too, but because I know the mother well enough as a very tough and strong-willed woman, I understood the fear that was walking through the lady. I advised her to pray and commit the situation into God’s hands and I left it at that. But that wasn’t going to do.

On another occasion she came to see me in tears, she had had a quarrel with her mum and I could tell her continued stay in her mother’s house was frustrating her badly. I then went to see the mum in order to beg her to release her daughter to go back to her husband's house. And the mother told me all the stories of how her daughter’s husband had been unfair to her daughter and that he was not financially capable to taking care of her daughter let alone an addition of a baby in their home. The mother had threatened the lady with a curse if she returned to the husband's house without her consent.

I thought through all that the mother had told me and called the lady for a deep heart-to-heart talk. I asked the lady if truly the husband had been unfair to her and does not provide money for her upkeep and she told me her husband provides for her. At least he gives her a thousand to two thousand Naira daily depending on how buoyant he was at the time. And so, it was wrong for her mother to say that her husband was not providing for her.  

Now, in the course of our talk, I realized that all the times the wife would have a quarrel with her husband and run to her mother to report were what the mother had gathered as an excuse to stop and break the marriage of her daughter. If the wife had not exposed her husband's inadequacies to her mother, the mother would have no ground to say that her daughter was not taken care of. The interesting thing is that the wife shot herself on the foot. She had her flaws and her husband understood and loved her all the same. But she could not help cover her husband up when he needed her to do so.

After so much begging and pleading, the mother finally lets her daughter return to her matrimonial home but not without the lady learning in a very hard way to keep her marriage issues within the marriage. Now she knows that her husband’s flaws are not a matter for her mother to handle but for God to handle.

So many marriages have been broken solely because of external influence. We always make mistakes of thinking that when we have problems with our marriages our siblings, parents, and relatives are the people we should open up to. That is a very big error because 90% of them will not be objective in dealing with the situation, they will only tell you what you want to hear and join you in going to war against your husband thereby destroying the situation rather than mending it.

If you have a problem in your marriage the first thing you should ever think of doing is to pray and ask for the leading of the Holy Spirit on how to handle the situation to a successful end. We are all God’s children and so you can be sure God will be objective enough to help you heal your marriage in a manner that everyone wins, and no one loses. And if you must open up and seek help which can be necessary in most cases, then seek help from someone you are sure will be able to help you. Seek help from someone who has been through what you are going through and has a testimony to tell. Look for a role model marriage and seek help there. Get experience from those who have the experience that will help you succeed.

I hope we have learned a thing or two from this story. To the glory of God, this lady got her marriage back, for some they never did. I am not encouraging that you be quiet when you should be seeking help, but it’s important to seek help from the right source. In most cases, your relatives are not the right source for objective marriage counseling. 

Who do you let into your marriage? Those who you think should be your closest confidant when it comes to the issue of your marriage might be the ones to help you tear it apart. Learn from this young newly married lady who confided in her mother and it backfired so badly. 

Why Did You Marry

There is one question every married person needs to consciously ask him/herself at some point in the lifetime of his/her marriage. The best thing is to ask this question at the onset of the marriage, or even before the marriage begins. And that question is “Why Did I Marry?” This question gives you a mission in that marriage. It defines the purpose and goal of that union and then you can score yourself based on the goals you have identified as the purpose for going into the union.

In life, you don’t engage in activities without a reason. You go to school to learn for a reason, you eat for a reason, you work for a reason, you smile for a reason and in the same manner, you marry for a reason. There are a million and one reasons why people decide to get married to each other, but one of the common reasons why people decide to marry is TRADITION. It’s either everybody around you seem to be getting married and you feel left out, or that there is pressure from the family; either parents or guardians and you just decide to marry to get them off your back. In some cases, there is even the forced marriage between the children of two families just to cement family ties. Some even marry for political reasons. So, lastly and the most common are those who marry for love.

For many people, love has been the underlying reason why they went into marriage. It’s a situation of loving someone so much you want to own the one you love permanently. You don’t want to imagine having to share that which you love with someone else and so they go into marriage with a possession mentality. The desire to possess that which they love is the reason why they went into marriage. Then when there is a change in the composition of that which they love, they stop loving and then want to let go. They become tired of possessing what they have stopped loving and want to do away with him/her. And that is why we have the so many cases of divorce that we see today.

And if we must get this marriage thing right then we must get the reason for the marriage right and then set the right goals for the marriage. It doesn’t matter at what level your marriage is, the important is that you understand the reason you are in the union, the goal of the union, the things you need to put in the union and the expected returns from the union. And so, we will do a little of search in today’s post to get our marriages in proper perspective.

Genesis 2:18, 20-22

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

Now, the very first purpose of God in instituting marriage is that the wife should be a suitable helper to her husband. In making that happen God didn’t just form a woman as a separate entity from the man, He made her from the extracted bone he took from the man and so the suitable helper that God formed for the man was taken from the man.

This initial purpose of God for marriage should also be our first purpose for marriage. That a man would seek a helper and find one in his wife, and that a wife should enter into marriage with the first purpose of being a suitable helper to her husband.

The goal of any marriage should be that the two couples make up their minds to help each other excel exceedingly and have a fulfilled life against all odds and despite all challenges. Ecclesiastes 4:9 says “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work,” even common knowledge teaches that productivity is increased with division of labor. This same principle works well with marriage. When the husband and wife work together for and with each other positive things happen.

Whatever reason you had before now that made you marry your spouse, if it’s not in line with the purpose of God for your marriage, then it’s important you start to realign that purpose or reason to be in line with the purpose and will of God for your marriage. God placed you in that marriage to be His instrument in improving the life of the person you are married to. A wife is a suitable helper in the life of her husband. What helpers do is to improve the situation at hand. Helpers make things better than they met it. That is what God has called the wife to do in the life of her husband. That should be your purpose and goal in that marriage. If it was not so before now, then it should start to be so from now.

Somethings this may be hard if the marriage has not met your expectations, but there is a kind of fulfillment that one gets when you know that you made a positive impact in a situation and because of you the situation has improved. Your spouse is that situation, you are the positive situation changer and God is the power behind what you do. 

You don't go into business with the intent to fail, but rather to make income and make a beautiful living. The odds might not be favorable and in fact, they are not always favorable but when you beat the odds and triumph people will start to come to seek you for advice on how you managed to succeed. In the same way, you need to get determined concerning the success of your marriage. Everything will not be presented to you favorably but you need to work at it with a success mentality.

And the husband is called to love his wife as himself. When you appreciate the helper in your life, you make room in her to be readily available to help you all the time. A man who works for the good of his helper helps himself in the long run. When you make effort to pour your best into the life of your wife and improve her, she becomes an improved helper in your life. It's always a win-win situation at the end of the day.   

If you didn’t know why you got into that marriage until today, then it’s important that you understand that you are called into that marriage to make the life of your spouse better than you met it. That is why the wife is called a suitable helper to her husband and the man is mandated to love his wife as himself. No man would live and not want to improve himself, and so if you work continually to improve yourself and then you are called to love your wife as yourself, then you are called to improve your wife just in the way you wish to improve yourself.

If then you understand this as the purpose of marriage and you then embrace it as your purpose for marriage above the love you thought was the reason for your marriage, above the traditional norm that you thought was the reason for your marriage, above the family pressure that initially put you in that marriage, then you begin to have a renewed goal for your marriage that leads to a glorious end. With this as your purpose for marriage, you then start to have a renewed determination to make your marriage work and make the best of it. In no time at all your will start to enjoy a beautiful marriage that is the envy of all. 

It's Different with Humans

Hello great and beautiful people, I trust we are all fine. May the joy of the Lord be our strength always in Jesus name.

Like I promised in my last post, we will continue with lessons from that Bible scripture where God originated the marriage institution. I have learned a lot from it and I am sure it will bless you greatly too if God gives you a divine revelation of this scripture.  

Genesis 2:18-25

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called each living creature that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field.

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’ for she was taken out of man.”

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

The man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame.  

In the record in Genesis 1 where God created all the living creatures; the birds of the air, the fish of the sea, and the beast of the ground, He created them in twos, male and female God created them all. And so, we can appreciate why a male dog can mate with any female dog that comes its way. There is no marriage in the animal kingdom, God didn’t make it so at the beginning.

But when it came to the human species it was different. God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep and took a piece of bone from the man with which He made a woman. And so, the man is not like animals that can pick any woman on the street to reproduce with. And this is one of the reasons why God hates divorce. Marriage is not about pick and drop, only animals are created to do that. For every man God created, there is a woman God has also made for him with the bone He took out of that particular man. And so, there is a woman for every man no matter how we look at it and there is no imbalance with the agenda of God no matter how we try to look at the statistics. And your wife is the only one that fits, no matter what your marriage looks like at the moment and no matter your perception of the situation you find yourself in. 

A married man and a man intending to marry should understand and appreciate that your wife is not a separate entity from you. She was taken out of you, she is a piece of you in another body form and when you see her, it is important that you see yourself in her. This revelation goes in line with God’s instruction for the husbands which says, “A man should love his wife as Christ Loves the Church,” and then says "he who loves his wife loves himself." When God gave this instruction through Paul in Ephesians 5:25-31 and Colossians 3:19, it was because God who made the man and the woman, knew that He made the woman out of the man and so it is important that a man should care for his wife as himself because truly and surely, she is a fraction of the man in another body form.

The animals have male and female that are totally different entities and independent of each other. But with humans, it is not so. What God does in marriage is to bring the woman He created to the man He created her from and unite the two as one. A lot of times we assume we made a mistake in marriage just because the union isn’t going the way we expected. But if only we can return to the source and seek help from God on how to run the union to succeed. What is missing in the husband is what the wife is carrying in her. The deep revelation of this truth gives marriage a whole new meaning and your approach to marriage after this divine understanding should change. The purpose of the marriage union is to build each other up to perfection.  This requires great understanding and wisdom.

The flawed perception we have had about marriage is that we are in the marriage to receive from whoever we are married to, but in as much as this is correct, we are in that marriage union to give more than to receive. What we invest in our marriage is what we will harvest from it. And the quality and quantity of our seed greatly determine the quality and quantity of our harvest.

A lot of women give so much love into their marriage to the point that it begins to become a problem. There is nothing wrong with a wife loving her husband, but have you thought of the fact that you might be sowing the wrong seed in your marriage? The seed that God requires that a woman sows into her marriage is the seed of submission, and submission means obedience. The love you have for your husband is supposed to drive you to sow the right seed in your marriage which is the seed of submission and prayers. Love from a wife to her husband that does not translate into submission and prayers for the success of your marriage might not yield the right harvest. When sowing your seed of submission then you need to water that seed with prayers. Your fertilizer to the labor is divine wisdom. All these put together will secure for you a beautiful marriage.

But for the man what will guarantee for you the beautiful marriage that you desire is nothing else but unconditional love and prayers. The seed that secures good harvest is the seed of unconditional, deep and intentional love. That which makes you put your wife above yourself in all that you do. Then you water that seed with prayer and cover it up with wisdom. With these done, you can't harvest anything less than peace, joy, faithfulness, loyalty, and love from your wife and marriage.

I once spoke to a man whose wife says he was always beating her. When I asked the man why he would even think of hitting his wife, he began a long story of how his wife had been unfaithful to him and the marriage, to the point that he followed her out one day in disguise and found her on the lap of another man. He then unveiled himself to her and the man she was with and the wife ran. After that incident, he had assumed she would stop being promiscuous and stop sleeping around randomly, but that was a tall dream. He complained that they will be home together sometimes and discussing as normal couples should be doing and the wife would just excuse herself and will not return home till way past midnight with no explanation of where she had been to. Sometimes she would go out as though she would be back in a couple of hours but would not return until days later. He said he used to beat her thinking she would change from her dirty habits.

I told him that his intentions might be good, but his approach was totally wrong. Rather than for the beatings to correct his wife, it will drive her farther away from him. You don’t discipline an adult in the way and manner you discipline a child. Husbands do wrong too, and we wives don’t even have the strength or power to flog sense into their brains and so husbands should not think that beating their wives will bring about the changes they desire in them.

I told this man who had as a matter of fact given up on his wife and walked out of the marriage that love and loads of love were the only remedies to that problem his wife has. The love he has for her should then move him to pray for her. He should keep disturbing God on behalf of his wife till God remembers his tears and bring about the change in the life of his wife that he desires. There is no curse known to man that the Blood of Jesus is not potent enough to kill and destroy. And so, he should start to put to use the power in the Name and Blood of Jesus till he sees the change he seeks and desires in his wife.

To say that your marriage is a mistake is to say that God makes mistakes. But the Bible says let every man be a liar and let God be true. God never makes mistakes, you are the mistake in that marriage. When you change your perception and you use a different approach, you will get better results. Just seek the leading of the Holy Spirit, read the word of God and follow what it says, and you will succeed. Marriages are succeeding, let yours be one of them. 

The Game Changing Wife

It’s another beautiful day and a time to share something about marriage. This is one day that I totally feel blank on what to share, so I will just let God take over and I will just be His pencil. I pray that someone where is touched by today’s message for the better to the glory of God.

Genesis 2:18-25

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called each living creature that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field.

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’ for she was taken out of man.”

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

The man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame.  

There are so many important things to learn, understand and appreciate about the marriage union in this Bible scripture and I pray the Lord will open our understanding to see them all. The first thing that struck me in this Bible passage is that of all that God created, the birds of the air, the fish of the sea and the beasts of the field, none was found to be a suitable helper to Adam. Now we need to know and understand that marriage is not all about reproduction. God who never lacks ideas will come up with ways of replenishing the earth without the copulation of the man and woman if it was necessary to reproduce mankind outside of marriage. So, the first thing that came to the mind of God as a reason for the creation of a woman was not for reproduction but for her to be a suitable helper in the life of her husband.

If reproduction was the number one reason why God would create a woman, then He would have created her alongside Adam from the very start. So, your main purpose as a wife in the life of your husband isn’t to bear children but to be a suitable helper in his life in fulfilling all that God has called him to be.

I remember a true-life story that I was confronted with several years ago. A friend of mine who knew I was passionate about marriage issues tested me with this story.

A young Christian lady got married to a young Christian man and just after they got married, the wife discovered her husband was gay, and in two years of their marriage, not once had they made love with each other. I should not forget to add that the young lady prayed heard and was convinced she heard from God before marrying her husband.

The young lady who told me this story wanted to know my take on the matter. Her argument was that sometimes God was unfair when it comes to marriage issues. For a split second, I was confused, but I prayed in my spirit as I paused to find a response for my friend. Then the Lord dropped this scripture in my spirit and gave me a response. He said I have made her a suitable helper in the life of her husband. I didn’t give her a specific area of her husband’s life where she should come in to help him, so in every area of her husband’s life where help is needed, she is the suitable helper for him prepared and provided by God beforehand to come in and help.

And so, I told my friend with boldness, when the Lord made the woman, her purpose was to be a suitable helper in the life of her husband. God didn’t highlight for us as wives areas of concentration where we should come in and help our husbands. So to say that in every area of our husbands’ lives were helped is required and needed, God has provided us as a suitable helper to them. We are answered prayers to our husbands from God. So, in the case of this lady, the area where her husband needs help is in that evil habit of homosexuality, and that is her number one assignment in the life of her husband. To help me overcome the challenge of homosexuality and his desire for that evil sin of homosexuality that he was battling with.  

I was so sure that response was not coming from me, it was the first time I was having that revelation too. But I held on to it too dearly. It changed my total perception of marriage. It gave me a sense of duty in the life of my husband. I knew I was in his life for a purpose bigger than I thought I had. My husband had many challenges too, some of which hurt me so bad. But I began to understand that it was not about fighting him but fighting for him. It was not about demanding, but about giving. I then knew that for me to receive what I hoped for in my marriage, I needed to give more.

In those days we had trust issues between us, we had extramarital battles between us, we had the smoking habit that was irritating me to the core, my husband was temperamental (I called him a short-fused man), there was the emotional trauma between us, and I can go on and on. But then rather than condemn him like I had done earlier before that revelation came for me, I began to know that God put me in the life of my husband to be his suitable helper, to help him over the challenges he was struggling with. Those areas of his life that were his vices where the assignment I had to deal with in the life of my husband. So, I began to pray. One vice after another, I sought the Lord until I won. I stopped fighting him to change. I stopped complaining and above all, I stopped allowing those vices to build a wall between my husband and I. But I fought on my knees. I am the suitable helper in the life of my husband and God is my ever-present help in times of trouble.

And to the glory of God alone, I won all my battles over his life. All those things that I had mentioned earlier have vanished from my husband’s life. We no longer have trust issues, no extramarital concerns, abundant love between us, no smoking issues, no excessive alcohol issues, and interestingly no temper issues anymore.

When God spoke through Solomon in Proverbs 18:22 that “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord,” God knew what He was talking about. A wife who understands fully well her assignment in the life of her husband is a great asset from the Lord to the man. No wonder Solomon would say again in Proverbs 19:14 that “Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord”.

So, I want to ask the wife reading this, do you really know why you are in the life of your husband? Do you understand why God made you his wife? Have you been able to highlight the shortfalls in your husband’s life? What are you doing about them? Do you know that you are God’s game-changing agent in the life of your husband? You are God’s favor to him in bodily form. Are you now performing your assignment in his life or you are waiting for him to change without any contribution from you?

To be God’s change agent in the life of your husband has nothing to do with you but everything to do with God. But you are there to be at the altar of prayer always on behalf of your husband. You are there to listen and receive from God before acting on behalf of your husband. You can’t succeed based on your own understanding or intellect, not even based on your ability. In this assignment, you will need to rely fully on God and act based on His leading alone. Then you will be a game changer in your husband’s life. You will be that one person that will bring good tidings to him always such that he will say to you “I am nothing without you.” I hear that all the time from my husband and it gladdens my hearts greatly. It’s like my scorecard that tells me by following God on the issues of my marriage I have done very well. 
Hearing that from my husband isn't about being the breadwinner of the family. What my husband has to his name is still a tall dream for me. So I am not receiving the praise because I dull out money to him. So don't think as a wife that spending your life's income on your husband is what will fetch you the praise and love you seek in your marriage. It's a little more than that. People who see your husband succeed in life will also score you high. It all comes with the package. "Behind every successful man is his wife" my own version. And don't think your husband will succeed alone, it's a total package. There is the exalted place for the president and just as exalted is the seat of the "First Lady." Just as the president is escorted by guards and protocols, so is the "First Lady" is accompanied by the crowd and huge protocol. Your labor in the life of your husband is worth it all.  

You need to hear your husband say to you "I am nothing without you" to understand the beauty of it been said to you. But you also need to work the work that brings the praise.

So, in my next post, we will look at more things to learn from that one scripture that I just shared. 

Your Marriage & Sex

Hello beautiful people, how are we all doing? I am positive that to the glory of God we are doing very great. In our lives and our deeds, may the name of the Lord be praised always in Jesus name.

So, we look at one very important aspect of marriage in today’s blog post, and that very important aspect of marriage is sex. I have written about sex in marriage several times on this blog, but sincerely its one of the issues I discovered is causing breakups in marriages and so we need to keep looking at it over and over again until we kill its negative effect in our marital lives.

It is quite interesting to find out that the issue of sex in marriage has a reference in the Bible, and so we will look at what God says about it.

1 Corinthians 7:1-5

Now for matters you wrote about: It is good for the man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Proverbs 5:15-20

Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well.

Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in public squares?

Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.

May your fountains be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

A loving doe, a graceful deer – may her breast satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife?

It is quite interesting the deep things that can be found in the word of God, and I can tell you for free that these Bible passages above have helped save my marriage in no small measure. One truth that we should always know is that sex in marriage is very vital. It’s a catalyst that helps enhance the bonding of the man and his wife. It is very good if it is used within the confines of marriage that it is meant for.

As a married woman, I will say that sex in marriage has the capacity to break the unhealthy barriers of lack of communication, it helps bring about the closeness between the man and his wife. It relaxes unhealthy tension between married couples, it’s a very good way of settling arguments and quarrels between the man and his wife without having a winner or loser, as a matter of fact, without spoken words. It is the unspoken expression of what a man feels towards his wife and what the wife feels towards her husband. It is a very effective tool in the hands of God to bring about what He has said concerning the man and his wife (Genesis 2:24: “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh”).

Paul says it is a duty in marriage. And I will call a responsibility that the husband owes to the wife and the wife owes to her husband. Sex in marriage should not be an avenue by which a husband punishes his wife or a tool with which a wife punishes her husband. Doing that is against the will, plan and purpose of God for your marriage. Paul says the man and his wife should not deprive one another except for mutual consent and for a time. So if you deprive your spouse of sex and cause him or her to become an adulterer or adulteress, then you have committed a sin as much as the one who has committed the adultery because you have disobeyed the word of God which says “Do not deprive one another.”

But more importantly is how we speak the language of sex in marriage. Some women believe it's demeaning to be the one to initiate sex in marriage so as not to be seen as immoral or loss in values. In my time of reading the Bible, I have not read anything like that. I am yet to come across anywhere in the Bible where it reads that a wife should not seek sex from her own husband. Paul said, a wife’s body does not belong to her alone but to her husband and likewise the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. So, you have as much right over your husband’s body as he has over your body. Sexual desire is an inbuilt element that God placed inside of us. It is nature’s call, just like you sneeze, pass urine and pass feces. So there is no sin in expressing your desire for sex as long as it remains within the confines of marriage and expressed towards your God-ordained husband alone. Don't kill that desire for sex because you have been brainwashed to think you will look cheap to your husband if you do so. Express it and let it flow, it’s on an assignment to make your marriage better.

Still, on the language of sex in marriage, it is very true that sex should only be within the confines of marriage, and so it is expected that the man and his wife should be illiterates in this knowledge until after marriage. The way and manner couples handle sex with the first experience tell a lot about how sex is perceived after that first experience. As a woman, I know that the first experience comes with great pain, so it is important for the husband to know and appreciate and handle this experience with great care. The beauty of sex in marriage is that both couples should seek the pleasure of their spouse above themselves and when this is the case both will find fulfillment and pleasure in the act. Never make assumptions above sex in marriage and never use coded language with the thought that your spouse should be able to decode what you are trying to communicate because chances are there that he/she might not decode, and this may lead to frustration. Coded language will only work if you two have explained the terms and learned the codes and how to decode amongst yourself beforehand. The Bible says the husband and the wife were both naked and they felt no shame. So, there is no shame in marriage, and if there is no shame in marriage there should be little or no coded communication between a husband and his wife unless there is an external person present who they do not want to know what they are communicating among themselves.
Then another bothering issue about sex in marriage is some interesting mindset about positioning or should I say sex styles. First I will say that sex is reserved for marriage alone. And secondly, I will say that I have not come across anywhere in the Bible were a prescribed sex style between the married couple is stated. The important thing about sex is not the positioning or style, but the satisfaction and pleasure derived from it and the bonding it facilitates between married couples. 

And just before I close on this, I want to say a little about catalyst of sex in marriage, those things that we should do that can help promote sex in marriage. And the number one of these things is personal hygiene. Unless your spouse lacks the ability to smell, I will say that beautiful smell attracts, and foul smell repels. So, it’s important for the husband and wife to invest well in smelling good. Always make every effort to prevent offensive smell coming from you. Sex in marriage is not restricted to bedtimes only, so at all times, one should be ready. Remember that your body does not belong to you alone but also to your spouse. If you will not take care of your body for you, then take care of it for your spouse. Bad breath and sweaty smelly body should always be taken care of. Invest in mouthwash, sugarless minty chewing gums. Body spray and deodorants are essentials in marriage. The beauty of these is that other than helping boost your marital sex life, it gives you confidence and helps build your self-esteem.

Sex should not be the killer of your marriage, rather it should help build it up. Invest in it and enjoy the dividend that comes with the investment. If you still have issues about the sex life of your marriage, then pray about it and commit it to God. God is willing and able to handle that aspect of your life too, He handled it for me and so I know He can do it for you too.  

Communication In Marriage

Hello people, how are you doing? I believe by the grace of God we are all doing great. On behalf of everyone reading, I thank God for the grace to see another week. It’s not a right to be alive, it’s a privilege that we shouldn’t overlook.

And so, we continue on issues that I had to deal with in the course of my writing break and while having my one-on-one discussion with couples with troubled marriages. And the next prevalent trouble we have in marriages is communication. One of the major killers of marriage is communication; either total lack of communication or partial lack of communication and then interestingly the evil of assumption.

The husband assumes that his wife should know his dos and don’ts without first highlighting them to her and the wife also has her assumed set of qualities that a man should possess and then imposes her own expectations on her husband that he is not even aware of. If for any reason he doesn’t meet these expectations, she becomes gradually resentful.  

In this post, we will look at the effective communication that yields success in marriage and then take on a practical illustration to help us understand better.

For us to be able to communicate effectively in marriage and even in any environment we find ourselves, these three keys need to be constantly put into consideration. And they are: What you say, how you say it, and when to say it.

Often, we believe that we need to express ourselves in marriage and not bottle-up issues, and to this, I will say that those who hold this mindset are not totally wrong but then there is the need to use this approach with wisdom. Expressing yourself in marriage is not wrong if and only if you express yourself at the right time and in the right manner. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb. Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones,” so if pleasant words can heal the soul and even the bones how much more will it heal the marriage. Whether for the husband or for the wife, it is important that you express yourself in a manner that brings healing to your marriage.

Proverbs 18:2, 6, 7
A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions. 

A fool's lips bring strife, and his mouth invites beatings.

A fool's mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul. 

Proverbs 17:28
Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue. 

Proverbs 21:23
He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity. 

The passages above clearly shows that there is a time to speak and there is a time to be quiet. Even though it's so good to express yourself in your marriage but that expression should not be at all times. They should be selective and well thought over before spilling them out in order to secure the peace and prosperity of your marriage. So it's not just important to know what to say and how to say it, it's also important to know and understand when to say what you want to say. 

It’s important to understand that it is dangerous to act in marriage under the influence of emotions. When you are angry or happy do not act hastily. Pause on your action and think it through properly, taking into consideration the consequences of your action before taking that action.

Another interesting communication flaw in marriage is on the issue of sex between the man and his wife. Several couples find it hard to communicate with each other when it comes to sex between them. The wife thinks it's shameful to express her sexual desires or preference to her husband and thus hold it in and in more than one occasion this has led to extra-marital affairs. And the same goes for the husband, some men are either insensitive to the sexual desires of their wives or find it hard to express their own sexual desires to their wives. They adopt coded languages in the hope that their spouse will decode and understand what they are communicating with signs rather than words and when that does not happen, frustration and extra-marital affairs sets in.

What beats me in some of these cases is that the husband or wife finds the nerve to express their sexual needs to an outsider who is not their spouse but find it hard to express same to the God-ordained husband or wife that they have. Your wife or husband should be the closest person to you, yet he/she is the one you seem farthest away from and that should not be. Genesis 2:26 says, “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”

As a wife, you should know your husband more than any other living being, otherwise, you are not fulfilling your purpose in his life. And if you know your husband well enough you should be able to understand when and how to express your wants and desires to him that yields maximum result. Several times, some wives think they are in the lives of their husbands to correct them when they are wrong, unfortunately, it’s not so. Most men see such a wife as controlling and nagging and that results in resistance which is accompanied by fights.

In the same manner, the language of effective communication for a wife is love. Whatever a husband desires from his wife, he is sure to get it through the medium of unconditional love for his wife. Couples need to speak up what they want from their spouses in a manner that they are certain their spouses would understand and when to make the request and how to make the request determines how well they will have their request granted. There should be no shame in marriage and so coded language and assumptions should be reduced to the barest minimum or eliminated entirely.

I have written several times on the issue of sex in marriage, but I am trusting God to help me revisit the issue again. I look forward to sharing with you soon.