Abiding by these rules does not totally eliminate pockets of challenges in marriage, but how you deal with these challenges will tell a lot on how much they will be able to affect the peaceful marriage you are trying to build. There are going to be disputes at intervals, there are going to financial issues at intervals, there are going to be trust issues at intervals and many more issues, and so it's important to learn the effective and appropriate way to deal with these pocket of issues as they surface in marriage.
One of the comments I got in one of my previous post asked a question on what a woman should do when she is being physically abused in a marriage. So this post will discuss a little on how to handle disputes and disagreements in marriages.
Proverbs 21:9, 19
9Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
19Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.
Proverbs 19:13
13A foolish son is his father's ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.
Proverbs 20:3
3It is to a man's honour to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.
Proverbs 17:19a
19He who loves quarrel loves sin.
Proverbs 17:14
14Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.
Malachi 2:16
I hate divorce, says the Lord God of Israel, and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment, says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith.
Above are some of the Bible passages where I can find God speak on the issue of dispute, disagreements or quarrels in marriage and other areas of our lives. And in strong terms the Lord condemns any form of violence in marriage. But whether or not the Lord condemns disputes in marriage does not mean that disputes will not raise it's ugly head in our marriages, and so how we put this issue in check is what I will trust God to help us discover in the course of this post.
In 2 Timothy 1:7 Paul confirmed to Timothy that "God did not give us a spirit of timidity(fear), but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline(self-control)." So in as much as you are not suppose to be fearful of any situation, you are also expected to have self-discipline and be able to keep your emotions in check. This is what the Lord expects of us His children, and failure to meet up with His expectation amount to a sin of rebellion, because the Lord will not demand from us what He knows we are not capable of.
With these foundation laid, I will want to address the wives first. Proverbs 14:1 says "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." The wife we have said is the heartbeat of the home, a successful marriage is built on the foundation laid by the wife and so Solomon says a wise woman builds her home but a foolish woman tears hers down with her own hands. A quarrelsome wife who is unable to put her temper in check cannot build a successful home. Solomon has likened such a woman to a constant dripping in the life of her husband.
One truth I have discovered about some women is that they always want to be heard, they want their opinions to count irrespective of the circumstance surrounding such opinion, some other ones are out-rightly domineering. But from what I am discovering in the Bible and I hope you are learning too is that only fools will always want to air their opinions irrespective of the circumstance on ground. Proverbs 18:2 says "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinion." A wise woman and even man will learn to keep their opinions to themselves if such an opinion will degenerate into a quarrel, for a better and more appropriate time to speak and they will do so prayerfully.
Proverbs 17:9 says "He who covers over an offence promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends." Another possible and recommended way to handle issues that are potential dispute starter in the home is to forgive and bury grievances without even discussing them. Just as it is possible to assume on the negative for an action gone wrong, so also is it possible to assume on the positive for an action gone wrong. It is possible to build within you an excuse for that wrong action, forgive the action and move on without a fight or keeping record of such. Doing this the Bible says promotes love. Covering the offence and letting it pass does not make you a weakling, it only shows that you are a true child of God. If you feel so heavy about the matter, please pray about it rather than make an issue out of it.
In as much as I am a woman, I have discovered that a handful (although not all cases) of abuse in marriages originates from either a quarrelsome wife, a wife with good character deficiency or a wife who regardless of the mood of her husband wants to air views on sensitive issues capable of degenerating into an argument or fight maybe because she is hurting and unable to control her emotions or she just does not care. Although this might not go well with some people but as a wife aiming to be all that God has ordained her to be, she needs to pray and seek God for a selfless attitude whereby she is able to sacrifice herself wholly, and her emotions totally in order to promote the peace of her home and fulfill her God given assignment. In order to be a wise woman, there is the need to train oneself in the virtue of self-control. The woman is the heart of the home, she is the one assigned to build the home and in order to do these effectively she needs to be wise, tolerant, self-controlled and selfless in nature. The fruits of these seeds when sown prayerfully is a peaceful and prosperous home and marriage.
In Malachi 2:16 God gave a stern warning to the man against violence in marriage. I have observed that nothing destroys a man's life while still living than his inability to control himself from hitting his wife. And when he does it once, the devil will always push him to do it again thereby draining out the favour of God from the life of such a man.
Proverbs 18:22 says "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favour from the Lord." Men who beat up their wives seldom prosper. This is so because they are beating up the favour of God for their lives. A man who beats his wife, unknowing to him, beats off his prosperity, his wealth, his blessings, his good health and everything in his life that requires the favour of God because that which hold God's favour in his life is beaten off and treated with disdain. The consequences of a violent man is far costlier than the temporary satisfaction derived from the brief insanity of his actions. No wonder God has warned the men over and over again to treat their wives with love and care. No amount of sacrifice can spare a violent husband from the wrath of God. Malachi 2:13-14 says "Another thing you do: You flood the Lord's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offering or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, 'Why?' It is because the Lord is acting as a witness between you and the wife of your youth; because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant."
Just before I conclude on this, I will want to awaken the wife to one aspect of her assignment in the life of her husband. The Lord has created the wife and placed her in the life of her husband as a help in fulfilling her husband's destiny. As a wife to a violent man, you are still the help that the Lord will use in bringing about the desired change in the life of that man. Remember what Peter said in 1 Peter 3:1-2. Try as much as possible not to provoke the violence in your husband, always stay out of his way when he is angry and pray tireless for the calm and the peace of God on his life. The Lord created that husband of yours and He alone can bring about the desired change in his life that you seek. As a wise home builder, never allow a talk lead to an argument, but if it does, never let it lead to a fight. You should know when to put your emotions in check and bury the talk before it gets out of hand.
Please note that: "Reacting negatively to a wrong done against you does not make you better than the one who wronged." Jesus in His wisdom said "be angry but do not sin." Do not let your anger lead you to sin.
In my next post I will be trusting the Lord for His divine revelation as I write on the importance of unity in the home.
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