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Monday, 8 October 2018

Unity in Marriage - A Big Lesson (2)

A very good old friend of mine came to see me this past week, we had worked together in a telecommunications company some twelve years ago but kept in touch. We spent several hours discussing the various life’s challenges we have faced in the past twelve years. While I can say that I am overcoming my own challenges, she was still trusting God for respite on her own issues. We spoke about her marriage and then we agreed on some of the reasons why she might still be having issues in some areas of her life and areas she needs to work on.
For her, as it is with a lot of other marriages of God-fearing people with issues in marriage so much damage is caused by the break down in communication. She lost her job at about the time her husband lost his job. She plunged herself into finding a means to financially provide for the family and the husband just stayed back and looked on not that its all his fault. Like many women, my friend felt her husband was taking the issue a little less serious and she decided to bypass him and he just let her be. 
With time they both began to draw apart, and the husband was becoming frustrated and he would show it. So, from finding a way to make ends meet, my friend also had the burden of coping with a frustrated husband. Her husband never says much in the house and everything she does whether good or bad was fine by him since she had assumed the boss role.
My friend on her own part was too busy running to do every and any work her hands finds to do just to ensure that the family is running fine and the financial strain isn’t obvious for the world to see. But this goes with a lot of cold and silent wars in her marriage and she has decided to choose the wellbeing of her family above the naggings of her husband. I am sure a lot of women would do the same. I did the same thing too when faced with such a challenge until I had a divine revelation from God.  
The first thing that I noticed was that I was carrying the responsibilities of my husband. I was supposed to support him in his responsibility as the head of the home and not to carry his responsibility as my own. My husband is the head of the home and even in meeting with the needs of the home and carrying on the financial burden of the home, he is still the head. But my passion for wanting everything to work well made me begin to carry on his responsibilities as my own as I considered he was not moving fast enough and not showing enough passion for our needs as a family as I thought he should.
So, I began to do what he was supposed to be doing and he was just looking at me and not complaining. Waiting until I weary myself with a burden that shouldn’t be mine. With no concrete source of income and with my life savings gone and all my gold pieces of jewelry all sold in order to make ends meet in the come I began to get frustrated. More so the fact that my husband wasn’t helping much and not showing enough care. Communication between us was at level zero. And I held on to my only lifeline. I ran back to God, prayed and then listened for answers.
These are the lessons I learned:
1). I was supposed to be a suitable helper to my husband and not the primary burden bearer. So, carrying up the responsibilities of the home and expecting my husband to help, was in direct opposition to God’s order of things. So first, I need reverse that order to align with God's order and put my emotions under check.
Now, how do I make my husband take up his responsibilities of providing for the needs of the family like he should? I couldn’t force him, I couldn’t even tell him to do what he is meant to do. No amount of telling him will make any difference, it will only result in quarrels, fights and any other form of resistance. I am sure a lot of people are experiencing that kind of resistance and fights now.
So, I began to pray. It was only God that could do in this matter what I or any other wife in the same situation as I was then cannot do. In every situation that I prayed to God about in my marriage, all I heard from Him was and still is submission. So, in making my husband responsible for his responsibilities, I needed to submit to him. It sounds very absurd an approach. By human reasoning, there is no correlation between submission and making a man be the man of the house and provide for his family like he should.
Here is the analysis that most of us don't give a thought to. Well practically speaking, submitting to your husband makes him own the responsibility. When you obey your husband, you speak to him in actions and not words that whatever he tells you to do and you do, he is responsible for the outcome of your action or inaction and not you, since you are just doing as he says, you are obeying him, you are submitting to him. When you do this and pray, you act and support your actions with prayers. So while your actions are playing a role in the situation, God is working on his conscience through your prayers. When there is a situation in the home and you allow your husband take the call he understands that whatever call he takes, he is responsible for it, whatever the outcome is. And if he takes no call at all that does not amount to him not being responsible for his inactions. And as a wife, it is my duty to support him and pray for him to make the right decisions all the time noting that my own opinion on the matter might not necessarily be the right opinion.  
Little wonder from the Bible why God never queries the wives/mothers over faults in any family situation. The man is the head as far as God is concerned. So, as a wife, rather than take matters into your hands because you think the situation needs fast attention, keep a hold on your emotions, pray to God and let your husband take the call. Continually doing this tells him over and over again that he is head and he is responsible for the situations in the home.
But as a wife, you need to do this and keep doing it prayerfully. You are not just letting go of responsibility, but you are prayerfully handing it over to your husband who ideally owns the responsibility and burdens that you carry on yourself unnecessarily.
I am always amazed at how much we as wives can achieve through submission. And when I say submission, it does not speak of weakling wives as most people want to believe. It is the powerful tool used by wise and godly women to achieve so much in their marriage that makes them models for others to copy. Submission is strength in itself. Submission in marriage should not be a symbol of intimidation but of strength and power of godly wives who prayerful submit to their husbands in accordance to the will of God for their lives and marriages. 

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