Real Marriage. Real Struggles. What the Bible Says When You Want to Give Up

Quite a handful of people go into marriage only to discover that the reality is far from what was expected or anticipated. The man or woman they married has become a total stranger, different from whom they thought they knew and fell in love with.

The reality of the world and everything in it that God created is that they are all good. Genesis 1:31 tells us that after God had finished His creation work, “God saw everything He had made, and indeed it was very good.” So, we cannot question the goodness of the creation of God, because indeed everything is very good.

The marriage institution is also included in the creation of God, which is very good. A woman formed by God from the very good man He created, whom He gave to the man as his suitable helper, is nothing short of very good. So, marriage is a very good thing.

The Truth About Marriage: It Is Good, But Under Attack

But just like every good thing that God created, the marriage institution is constantly under attack. It had been under attack from the first marriage, and it is still under attack to this very moment. And so, we have real marriages faced with real struggles and real challenges.

I have yet to see a marriage that has not had to fight a battle of survival. Every marriage standing today, from a day-old marriage to a marriage of more than 70 years, has a story of survival embedded in it.  

Real Marriage Struggles Are More Common Than You Think

Some marriages have struggled for as flimsy an excuse as how the spouse presses a toothpaste when brushing their teeth. For some, it is snoring while sleeping, for others, it is that they don’t communicate well enough, yet for others, it is that one spouse drinks from the bottle while the other drinks from the glass. 

I have heard of a couple that divorced because the wife, who was married as a virgin, found sex painful and repulsive. The husband, who was not a virgin, found that irritating and became aggressive towards his wife because of her inexperience in bed.

We then move to situations where one spouse is financially better off, and the other begins to feel insecure. The home becomes tense, and the couple begins to walk on eggshells around each other. Or other scenarios where the couple who is more driven goal-wise, sees the other as laid back, and lazy.

These are some of the struggles that marriages go through, and I would not want to enter into talks about external influences in marriage or the deadly role that ungodly traditions play in the life and expectations of married couples.

These marriage struggles are real, and real people face them all the time. These examples are some of the irreconcilable differences that end up in divorce. These struggles do not know race or tribe; as long as a marriage exists, the devil is at hand to prove its fragility.

What God Says When You Feel Like Giving Up

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope.” In wondering what the word of God says at the point of you wanting to give up on your marriage struggles, this scripture says it all. God’s plan for your marriage does not tend towards failure, but peace, hope, and a future.

God didn’t just tell us His thoughts towards us; when it comes to our marriage, He gave us the road map to attaining peace, hope, and a future in marriage. This road map is what we find in Ephesians 5:22-29, 1 Peter 3:1-7, and Colossians 3:18-19. This road map is one that I explained in detail in my blog titled, “What Does the Bible Actually Say About Marriage Roles?”

But we find God’s mind for marriages in other scriptures, and the next one I want to highlight is Malachi 2:13-16. In this scripture, God addresses the men. He says, they wonder why He no longer answers their prayers nor accepts their offering; He declared that it is because they have broken faith with the wife of their youth.

He went further to declare marriage as a covenant. If we know God well, we will know that God does not break covenants. If so, then His children who are formed and fashioned after His image and likeness should have no business breaking covenants. And so, He says, He hates divorce along with violence.

But the important thing to note is the warning that comes with His words. He says, “Take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.” This, in plain words, is God warning the man to be mindful within himself, and control his own spirit well enough not to deal treacherously with his wife.

The Root of Most Marital Conflicts

Many of the conflicts that eventually lead to struggles in marriage originate from pride, ego, selfishness, unforgiveness, revenge, and holding on to baseless traditions above the peace and health of the marriage. Jesus says in Matthew 19:8 that the reason why divorce exists as permitted by Moses and not God is because of the hardness of heart.  

What that tells me is that when hearts remain soft before God, the desire to walk away begins to lose its hold. When forgiveness reigns, pride and ego removed, husbands can love their wives as Christ loves the church, and the wives submit to their husbands as unto the Lord, then the victory of marital struggles is what they will enjoy.   

The Power of Unity in Marriage

There is a lesson that I learned in my marriage, and I would love to share it here. In Matthew 18:20, Jesus says, “For where two or three are gathered in My Name, I am there in the midst of them.” So, when a husband and wife who are a unit of two gather in the name of Jesus, He is there in their midst.

The presence of Jesus in any gathering is a sure prosperity. So, there is prosperity in unity. Also, Ecclesiastes 4:9 tells us that, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor.” When you have a good reward for your labor, you prosper. This is another indicator that unity and prosperity go hand-in-hand.

Then in Genesis 11:6 says, “And the Lord said, ‘Indeed the people are one, and they all have one language, and this is what they begin to do; now nothing that they purpose to do will be withheld from them.” God says that when people are united, nothing they purpose to do will be impossible.

The secret item required for success and prosperity is unity. When this unity is between a man and his wife, not just one spouse will prosper, but both will excel. This prosperity is lost when conflict exists, and unity is lost.

The word of God never lies; no matter how good you think you are doing as a married person outside of agreement with your spouse, it remains a fraction of the success and prosperity you should be having if and when you are united with your spouse. Even when things seem to be working individually, God’s design shows that true fulfillment comes through unity. Along with this unity comes peace, love, and joy.

The Real Enemy in Your Marriage

John 10:10 tells us that the thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. From the beginning, the devil uses one major trick to achieve his aim of killing, stealing, and destroying, and that trick is deceit. He deceives couples to see themselves as enemies and steal away unity from their union, and ensures that prosperity is lost.

I would not deny that spouses hurt each other, some intentionally, some by errors in judgment and decisions. As long as there is no violence and concern for safety, there is a need to forgive each other and pray for one another. 

What You Should Do Instead of Giving Up

As a child of God, your battle is not against flesh and blood; as long as your spouse is still flesh and blood, your fight is not against them. Your fight is against principalities and powers and rulers of darkness in high places (Ephesians 6:12). You don’t fight your spouse; you fight the spirit behind what they do that hurts you.  

But most importantly, pray to God for a daily strategy on how to be a good spouse. God knows your spouse more than you can ever know, and when He leads you in that journey of marriage, you can be sure that you are on a ride of a beautiful marital experience. Don’t do marriage alone, do it with God.   

Pause and Reflect

• v What has been the biggest source of tension in your marriage?
• v Have you been fighting your spouse—or the real enemy?
• v What step can you take today toward unity?

Today’s post is the fourth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the bookshelf below to get your copy.