In the first few weeks of my marriage, I noticed that whenever my husband and I returned home from work, my husband would drop me off at home, change into more relaxed clothing, and go out again while I prepared dinner. Oftentimes, I would have to wait for him to return home before eating my dinner. Calling him to say dinner was ready was a battle in itself.
When I eventually had him come home, his excuse was always
that he was playing the game of Ludo with the neighbors. I thought of what to
do to make him stay home with me more, instead of always going out. So, I
called my sister to help me get a Ludo game from my mom, from the leftovers of
the many Ludo games shared at my wedding as souvenirs by one of our relatives.
The plan was that my sister would bring the Ludo game to
work, and I could get it from her at work, because our offices were close to
each other. My father heard about my plan and called me to give me advice on
how to make my husband stay home more.
Why I Chose to Protect My Marriage From Outside Influence
On the surface, this would have been advice to listen to,
but I was quick to decline his intervention in my marriage. And 22 years later,
I am still of the mindset that the only source of counsel that I want for my
marriage is the voice of God and not that of any man. This is not that I do not
honor my father; I will take his advice for other things, but not for my
marriage.
One thing that I knew was that my father would not give me
unbiased advice. I am his daughter first, and he is inclined to want to protect
me even against my husband. When we were courting, that would have been very
okay because I was still under his leadership. But in marriage, the dynamics
had changed.
Marriage Changes the Boundaries With Family
Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father
and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” And
Matthew 19:4-5 says, “And He answered and said to them, ‘Have you not read
that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said,
‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his
wife, and the two shall become one flesh’”?
My truth is that I do not need protection from my husband
because my husband and I are supposed to be one flesh. Before marriage, we were
two individuals, and I could be protected from him. But when marriage sets in,
we stop being two separate entities and become one flesh.
Genesis 2:23 says, "We have now become bone of bones
and flesh of flesh with one another.” And this understanding has been part of
the protection my marriage has enjoyed from external influence for more than 22
years of its existence.
What Works in One Marriage May Not Work in Another
One of the reasons why I deliberately ward off external
interference from my marriage is that humans are peculiar and unique. And so,
every marriage is peculiar and unique. No two marriages are identical, so a
solution that may work for you does not necessarily mean it will work for me.
The strategy that applies to you may not apply to me. The
grace for implementation may differ. The temperament of our spouses differs;
their foundation and upbringing differ; their viewpoint on issues differs. So,
if I implement advice given to me by a third party and it fails, I am
accountable for the outcome, and I bear the consequences afterward. The one who
gave me the advice has nothing to lose.
Seek God First When Your Marriage Is in Trouble
So, when I need to solve a problem in my marriage, which is
always the case every now and then, I go directly to God. I pray to the Lord
over the issue. And God always shows up. He always solves my problems for me.
He intervenes and gives me divine strategies that have never failed.
The primary source of counsel for my marriage has been the
Word of God. Every time I run to God for direction when the road seems rough, He
speaks to me and confirms it with His word. As a human who feels hurt oftentimes
and wants to take matters into my own hands, His word has been a timely caution
for me.
So, like every person who is married, this journey is one I
have never taken before, and there are bumps on the way. Disagreements happen;
misunderstandings happen; my husband and I do not align all the time; and
sometimes the love grows very cold.
I have realized that when you share your experience with
other people, you find common ground in those shared experiences. But the
honest truth is that the approach needed or applied in dealing with these
issues will differ. It may be the one going through the experience or the
spouse who is the architect of the experience that is different from one
scenario to the other. So, strategies will differ.
God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — discover God’s principles for navigating marriage with wisdom, protecting your covenant, and building a relationship that can withstand the pressures around it.
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When You Need Marriage Advice, Choose Your Counsel Carefully
That being said, I am not ruling out the need to seek advice
when needed, even in your marriage. My own approach is not a general rule, and
it is also subject to one’s level of maturity as a child of God and in the
issues of life. So, sometimes you will need to seek advice; you will need to
seek counsel when you are so confused and emotionally down that it becomes
difficult to hear from God.
There are times you will be so emotionally heavy that all
you want to do is pour your heart out to someone, and because your spouse is
the person causing the heaviness in your heart, they become the most unlikely
person you want to unburden to.
This is the point at which you are most vulnerable, and
unburdening your heart to the wrong person will be wrong for you. It is very
okay to seek counsel, but it is not okay to seek counsel from the wrong person.
And this is where care is needed. The person you will trust with the challenges
of your marriage, other than God, needs to be chosen with great care.
Your most trusted confidant when it comes to the delicate
issues of your marriage does not have to be a family member or a pastor. It
does not have to be your parents or your siblings. But in wisdom, you need to
choose someone who is mature and experienced in what you may be going through
and who loves you enough to tell you the honest truth, even when it hurts.
Not Everyone Who Loves You Can Give You Unbiased Advice
Some people think that confiding in their family members is
the safest thing to do, even though your parents may be mature in experience. Sometimes,
the people who love you most can love you away from the truth.
They do not qualify as unbiased counsel. So, in cases where
you are in the wrong, you may lose the opportunity to hear it as it is. In some
cases, they even live in denial that you could be the one in the wrong.
You also find some other categories of people who give you very
wrong advice. They tell you to do what they would never do in their own homes
and marriages. Some of this advice feels so on point that the anger and
vulnerability at the time will prevent you from seeing the huge red flags in the
advice.
Some People Will Give You Advice They Would Never Follow
I had one such experience within the first 7 years of my
marriage. My husband had continuously done something that hurt me, and addressing
it with him would always result in fights. I got to talk with one of his
relatives one day and opened up to her about my pain. My thought was that she
would be objective enough to counsel me.
Honestly, she told me all I wanted to hear and emboldened me
to stand my ground and not take any rubbish from my husband. By the end of our
conversation, I was charged up and poised to confront my husband and tell him
enough was enough. And that was exactly what I went back home to do. I stood my
ground, and the situation just grew worse.
Then, after a couple of months, I went back to visit this relative
for a completely different reason, nothing to do with my marriage at all. What
I found in her home showed me how stupid I had been. The person who had advised
that I stand my ground a couple of months earlier was displaying a great deal
of reverence for her own husband. More like worshipping the ground he walked
on.
That was another wake-up call for me and a huge brain reset.
That day was the last time I ever said anything regarding my experience in my
marriage to that woman. When I sat down to rethink the whole situation, I realized
she had no blame and would face no consequences for whatever happened in my
marriage.
It was not her responsibility to guide and guard my marriage
for me. Shielding my marriage from influences like hers was my assignment and
no one else’s. The joy of my marriage is mine to enjoy, and the pain of my
marriage is mine to fix.
A lot of people have advised others to get a divorce over
situations that can easily be fixed, while they remain in their own marriages,
enduring worse things. I am not speaking here about abuse, violence, or
situations in which someone's safety is at risk. Those require appropriate help
and intervention.
Guard Your Marriage and Protect Your Privacy
As I conclude this blog message, I encourage you who are reading
this first to learn to hear from God. The best source of advice and strategy
that you need to navigate the journey of marriage successfully comes from God. When
hearing from God is difficult for you, find the strength to pray that God will direct
His vessel in human form to you, who will be a mouthpiece for God in your life.
Be careful who you allow access into your space. Choose your
friends wisely and prayerfully. Choose with care the information that you give
away to those around you. There is no point in sharing your vulnerable
information with those who do not possess the ability to solve your problems.
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