When a child turns 18, society generally begins to recognize them as an adult, capable of making independent decisions and taking greater responsibility for their life. But does reaching adulthood mean that a parent's responsibility suddenly ends?
Does a child's eighteenth birthday mark the end of
parenting, or does it simply introduce a new phase of the assignment? The
questions I want us to answer in today’s blog are: “When does parenting end?”
and “What does it take to parent adult children?”
Does Parenting Ever End? What the Bible Says About Parenting Adult Children
The first truth I want us to hold onto is that as long as
you have children, you will always be a parent. Parenting never ends if God has
blessed you with living children. And the government might excuse you from the
liabilities of your children once they are over the age of 18 years, but God
does not excuse you from your parenting duties till you are called to Him after
death.
When God said in Genesis 18:19 that “For I have chosen
him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the
way of the Lord by doing what is right and just, so that the Lord will bring
about for Abraham what He has promised,” He didn’t mean toddlers alone or
children below the age of 18 years.
So, abdicating our parental duties over children when
society tags them as adults may mean abandoning our God-given assignment as
parents. And I find the story of Prophet Eli in the book of 1 Samuel chapters
2-4 very apt for telling the role of parents in the lives of their children
irrespective of their ages.
Eli's Sons: Biblical Lessons on Parental Responsibility and Discipline
I can’t write all three chapters of the Bible in this blog,
but we can summarize the story. Prophet Eli was a Prophet of God ministering in
God’s temple. As a priest, it is expected that Eli would be a busy man, and not
much was said about his wife, but a lot was said about his children.
1 Samuel 2:12 says, “Eli’s sons were wicked men; they had
no regard for the Lord.” One thing I am discovering in this one-line
scripture is that the Bible didn’t first give us the identity of the wicked
men; it didn’t start by telling us their names. It started by telling us the
sons of who they were.
The passage goes on to tell us what they were doing that
earned them the adjective wicked. And verse 17 of 1 Samuel 2 says, “This sin of
the young men was great in the Lord’s sight, for they were treating the Lord’s
offering with contempt.” But you begin to wonder that it was the young men who
sinned and not their father. This is where parenting begins to show its
importance.
1 Samuel 2:22-25 would have exonerated Prophet Eli because
the Bible says that when he heard about the sins of his sons, he tried to call
them to order. But the human standard may be that this effort could have
counted for something, but it fell far short when it was assessed by God.
1 Samuel 2:27-36 is where we see God send a word of judgment
on Eli for a sin he didn’t commit directly, but that came through parenting
deficiencies in his sons.
1 Samuel 2:29 tells us why Eli’s rebuke fell short by God’s
standard; it says, “Why do you scorn my sacrifice and offering that I
prescribed for my dwelling? Why do you honor your sons more than me by
fattening yourselves on the choice parts of every offering made by my people
Israel?”
So now we know that Eli honored his sons more than he revered
the God He served. And I am tempted to think that his love for his children
exceeded his love for the obedience of God’s laws. And I wonder if that may
sound familiar to some who may be reading this blog article.
Loving your children is a no-brainer; you cannot parent your
children effectively without loving them, but love needs to be combined with
discipline to achieve God-standard parenting. And this situation reminds me of
the story of Abraham and Isaac in Genesis 22.
This story reminds us that our love for our children must
never take precedence over our obedience to God. When Abraham was tested, he
demonstrated that even his love for Isaac would not stand in the way of his
devotion to God. This is an important lesson for parents: loving our children
deeply should never require us to compromise the values and principles God has
given us.
I want us to be clear that the only sin of Eli in the story
in 1 Samuel 2-4 was to honor his sons more than God’s sacrifice. What we as
parents would regard as a minor issue – something that isn’t so deep is exactly
what led to Eli’s judgment.
1 Samuel 3:13 says, “For I told him that I would judge
his family for ever because of the sin he knew about; his sons made themselves
contemptible, and he failed to restrain them.” The sin of his sons was the
real sin, but the sin of Eli was the sin of not parenting his sons well.
Two things have gone wrong here: Eli was a priest in the
house of God. He had authority over that house. His children were priests in
the house of God by lineage. So, Eli was not just a father to his children; he
was their boss. He failed in his priestly duties to protect the things of God
and failed as a father by not restraining his children.
The Bible tells us that Eli’s sons were men; another verse
calls them young men. But these sons were not toddlers; they probably were not
teenagers; they were men. Still, the Lord required that Eli restrain his young
men sons. And when he didn’t, he was condemned for it.
This is a very big lesson for parents, and what I am
learning along with you as I write this is that, as parents, we can never take
our eyes off the ball when it comes to training our children in the way they
should go.
The call of God on Abraham’s life to teach his children and
household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just
is not just for Abraham, but for every parent. God will not judge and condemn a
failed parent and excuse another. It is the same standard across the board
because God is not partial.
Because the Lord Seeks Godly Offspring — discover God's purpose for parenting, biblical principles for raising godly children, and how to nurture their faith, guide their decisions, and fulfil your God-given responsibility at every stage of their lives.
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Job's Example: The Importance of Praying for Your Adult Children
Another parent with a different outcome that we can find in
the Bible is the rich man called Job. The Bible calls him the greatest among
the men of the East in his time. And with that, I would infer that Job must be
a very busy man too.
But Job’s wealth and busy schedule never made him take his
eyes off his children. Job 1:4-5 tells us of the fatherly qualities of the
great man called Job. We learn from Job 1:2 that he had seven sons and three
daughters, and in verse 4 we are told that his sons would take turns to have a
feast in their homes and invite their sisters.
While these feasting periods lasted, Job was always on
standby, waiting, and as soon as it was over, he would gather his children
together and purify them before the Lord in case they had sinned and cursed God
in their hearts. And the Bible tells us that was Job’s regular custom.
Job would not wait for God to tell him his children had
sinned; he was proactive enough to act ahead. He was a busy man, yet he took
his parenting assignment very seriously because that alone could destroy all he
had built before the Lord.
Gleaning from these two great men of God above, we can gain
a handful of insight into the task of parenting adult children. But parenting
generally begins not when a child is old, but from the day they are born. Proverbs
22:6 says, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will
not turn from it.”
An adult child grows into the values they have been trained
with right from when they were born. I totally agree that it is very possible
and real that society and the associates we keep can corrupt good values, even
for those who were raised with good and godly values, but that is where adult
parenting kicks in.
A good parent does not just rely on the good values they
have raised their children with, but they are on standby and watching to ensure
those values are not corrupted even when the children are adults. A parent
never stops parenting.
Job must have trained his children well, but he was always
waiting for their feasting period to end for them to be purified. Not that he
was sure they had sinned, or that he got a report that they had sinned, but as
a precaution to ensure the values he had trained them with still stayed with
them.
How to Guide Adult Children Without Controlling Their Decisions
I shared in my last post that parenting requires
availability. An effective parent is one who is always available for their
children irrespective of age. For you to succeed as a parent, you must be
available for the assignment.
But I must say that effective parenting also requires godly
strategy. The way a toddler is parented is not the same as parenting an adult
child. Toddlers can be forced into compliance, but adult children need to be
convinced into making good and right decisions. And if we don’t get this
difference, we might be dealing with rebellious children who will eventually
detest us as parents.
Ephesians 6:1-4 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother – which is the first commandment with a promise – that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on earth. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instructions of the Lord.”
The NKJV version of verse 4 says, “And you, fathers, do
not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and
admonition of the Lord.” This scripture proves to us that there are
different phases of parenting. There is the phase of application of the rod (Proverbs
13:24), and there is also the phase of godly admonition.
Admonition is defined as “a firm warning, gentle reproof,
or piece of advice given to guide someone’s behavior, correct mistakes, or
prevent impending error.” From this definition, we see a lot of values to
take away: a firm warning, gentle reproof, a piece of advice, correcting
mistakes, and preventing impending error.
Parenting adult children should not be about controlling
them. It is about guidance and setting the right examples and models that they
can follow and copy for their own lives. Parenting adult children is not about
making decisions for them but about guiding them to make the right decisions
themselves.
A parent of an adult child is more like a marketer of
values. You are trying to sell your good convictions to your children at that
stage of parenting. You are trying to convince them of the benefits of making
the right decisions rather than taking the easy but dangerous road.
And this is where praying for them is very important. Your
ability to control dwindles, but God’s ability to control never shifts its
position. At the point where your words don’t make sense to them anymore, God’s
word never loses its power. Your word may be powerless, but God’s word is ever
powerful, so invoke God’s word over them in prayer.
Isaiah 54:13 says, “All your sons will be taught by the
Lord, and great shall be your children’s peace.” When you can't do the
training anymore, hand it over to God and don’t stand in His way. But ensure
that, by all means, your children are trained right.
When Parental Love Becomes Control: A Lesson for Christian Parents
A 22-year-old daughter is always at odds with her father.
They almost never get along, and she would say that her father is too
controlling. The mother has had to do a lot of coming in between to settle
fights between them.
So the mother and daughter got talking one day, and she was
crying. The mother realized hate was gradually developing in her, and she was
becoming resentful of her father. After praying, she got a word from God that
helped her get through to her daughter. And I am sharing this story with you per
adventure if it will help a parent reading this.
The mother told her daughter that the father and mother have
different parenting styles. While the mom seems a lot more approachable and not
so forceful, she is very watchful, but the father’s parenting approach was more
of a preventive approach.
He never wants his children to get into trouble, and
irrespective of age, he forces compliance, which they have termed as control
and are resenting. All he is doing is coming from a place of deep love. He
never wants to see his children hurt.
But that is seen by them as excessive control. While the intention
is coming from a place of love, the approach no longer fits the phase of life
the children are in. So, they tend to think their father wants to run their
lives for them, and they fight it.
I must point out that not all controlling parents do so out
of love, and this should not be generalized. The intent for control differs and
may be from a deprived and evil place. But I mentioned that the mother prayed
first and got a word from God.
It is only God who searches the deep things of the heart of
men. Before making excuses for a thing, consult with God first and let Him
reveal to you what you need to know to solve the problem.
Back to the story: But the mother has a different parenting
approach. She talks to them and advises them on what to do and lets them make
their call. They decide for themselves, but she is on her knees daily, praying
for her children, and she is there to celebrate their wins and redirect their
mistakes.
This open discussion between mother and daughter has
strengthened the relationship between her daughter and her husband. But the
mother did one more thing. She prevailed on her husband to evolve his parenting
approach so as not to lose the love he so cherishes.
How to Build Trust and Maintain a Healthy Relationship With Adult Children
Communication is important for effective parenting. To build
effective communication, there must be a strong relationship bond between the
parents and children – whether adults or young children – a relationship must
exist.
The children must be able to trust their parents enough to
listen to them. And the parents must intentionally build a strong relationship
with their children that is strong enough to earn their trust. With a two-way
trust that is embedded in a strong bond, communication is a lot easier.
Parenting requires intentionality, availability, and growth.
As a parent, you need to understand that as your children are growing, so are
you, and so should your parenting methods and approach evolve. But the biggest
of all these is that you should never stop parenting, and you should never stop
praying for your children.
As parents, we must never forget that the children God has
entrusted to us are part of our stewardship before Him. We cannot simply
withdraw from our responsibilities because society recognizes our children as
adults.
We remain accountable for how faithfully we have instructed,
corrected, guided, and demonstrated godly living to them. While our adult
children are responsible before God for their own decisions, we too must be
able to give an account of how we fulfilled our assignment as parents.
Please find other helpful parenting blog articles below. You can click on
the title to read the blog.
How to Raise Godly Children: Biblical Lessons for Intentional Parenting
How Can I Raise Godly Children When I Feel Overwhelmed?
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