The way we brush away the issue of intimacy in marriage as something not to be spoken about openly is very interesting. It is often assumed that sex is not a thing to be discussed openly by Christians. It is viewed as a dirty topic and can only be addressed privately in the secrecy of the couple's bedroom.
Why Christians Need to Talk About Sexual Intimacy
But while we shy away from this vital aspect of marriage,
this issue is breaking some homes. I have heard of a true-life story of a
couple who divorced because the wife claimed her husband was not satisfying her
intimacy demands.
Now, that is not a case in isolation, as I know another
couple who had a very messy breakup, and the underlying problem was the wife
not being experienced enough to meet the sexual demands of her husband.
These two were always fighting. The wife was in her
mid-thirties when she got married, and she was a virgin. Due to the maturity of
her body and her celibacy, her first attempt at sex after getting married was
not an interesting one. It was a painful attempt. A couple more attempts were not any better.
Unfortunately, her husband was not a good communicator, with
high hopes and expectations that turned into disappointment, irritation, and
aggression. The wife assumed there were demonic attacks on her marriage, as she
could not understand what about her was pissing her husband off.
She prayed, and prayed, and eventually sought shelter for
safety when irritation and aggression turned into physical abuse. She walked
out of her home and back to her parents without truly knowing what was wrong
with the man she was married to.
There were several interventions from the wife's and
husband's parents, and when all attempts to patch things up between them
failed, as the husband insisted he was done, he filed for a divorce, and they
went their separate ways.
When the Real Problem Is a Lack of Communication
I met the husband for the first time about 6 years after the
divorce, when he reached out to me after reading some of my blog articles. We
got talking, and he told me about his divorce. I was curious, as I never wanted
to hear of couples divorcing. I asked many questions and even requested to
speak to his ex-wife, with the hope of igniting a reconciliation.
In the course of talking to this couple, they told me many
things that didn’t add up, but the man kept nagging about the fact that the
wife didn’t like sex. The fact that he kept repeating it told me more than he
admitted, and I confronted him about it.
It was when I stayed on the issue of his sex life in our
discussion that he admitted that it was a big issue for him. But what beat my
imagination was that he never complained about it to his wife. When I asked him
why he never addressed the issue with his wife, his response was that she was
supposed to know.
What killed that marriage was not just the fact that sex was
a problem, but communication about sex was the main killer. The only way this
Christian husband was able to communicate his demands to his wife when it
related to sex was to buy her books about sex and nothing more. In his world,
she was supposed to understand what the books were for.
I have just shared two true-life situations where the
marriage was broken solely because of a problem with intimacy in those marriages.
And these are not cases in isolation. Problems with intimacy in marriage form
part of the irreconcilable differences used as reasons for divorce. Calling it
irreconcilable differences is just not wanting to say the real issue out loud.
While sexual intimacy should not be the main reason for
couples to go into marriage, it is a very important part of a marriage union.
Intimacy is one of the physical displays of love that promotes oneness in
marriage. It encourages affection and helps the bond of togetherness in
marriage stay strong.
What Does the Bible Say About Sexual Intimacy in Marriage?
But it is interesting to note that the issue of intimacy in
marriage was not left out of the Bible. 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 says, “Let the
husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to
her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the
husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own
body, but the wife does.”
If this topic of sexual intimacy is discussed in the Bible,
then that tells us that it is a matter that should be addressed strongly. When
intimacy disappears and is left unaddressed, an important part of the marital
bond can begin to suffer. Though intimacy is not the first thing in marriage,
it is a strong lifeline of a good marriage.
It is a bonding gift from God to the married couple that
should be enjoyed by both partners. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that the
husband and wife should not deprive one another of this good gift except for
mutual consent and for a short time.
While I cannot explicitly give guidelines about intimacy in
marriage, one truth needs to be emphasized. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:4 that
the wife does not have authority over her body, but her husband does, and
likewise the husband does not have authority over his body, but his wife does.
But this scripture should not be misread. The scripture does
not encourage an entitlement mentality or coercion or aggression when it comes
to the issue of intimacy in marriage. Intimacy is a display of love that should
be earned. Intimacy is not an act that should be forced.
God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — discover God’s principles for building deeper intimacy, communicating with love, and nurturing the closeness and oneness He designed marriage to enjoy.
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When the Real Problem Is a Lack of Communication
Intimacy in marriage, as designed by God, is for the good of
the husband and the wife. It should be a thing of pleasure and love. But for
some women, the first experience of sexual intimacy can involve discomfort or
pain, which makes patience, communication, gentleness, and understanding
especially important. And this is the downside of the story I shared earlier.
But that is not meant to be a problem when a married couple
learns to communicate openly, with understanding and love as they navigate new
terrains of their marriage. There is always a first time for every experience,
and this precious issue should be handled with love and care.
Sexual Intimacy Is About More Than Sex
Two things I want to mention just as I close this discussion
are that sexual intimacy plays a very significant and beneficial role in
marriage, but it can also be abused. In the next few paragraphs, I will explain
why I say this.
The dictionary meaning of intimacy is closeness; one of the meanings
of closeness, when viewed in the context of a relationship, is affection. And
the last thing I found is that closeness is “the quality of being done in an
attentive and thorough way”.
So intimacy in marriage means closeness, affection,
attention, and thoroughness. I want to believe deep in my heart that all of
these beautiful attributes are qualities the Lord had in mind when He added
sexual intimacy to marriage.
This is beyond procreation; it is beyond reproduction; those
are just the fruits of the gift of sexual intimacy. But at the core of this act
are closeness, affection, attention, and thoroughness. The couple pays
attention to the needs of one another in an affectionate and thorough manner.
That is what God wants; that is why He made them bone of
bones and flesh of flesh to one another. I have come to realize, maybe with a
few exceptions, that couples cannot stay angry with each other after an act of
sexual intimacy. If they had issues or disagreements, sexual intimacy tends to
dissolve the problem easily.
When Intimacy Becomes a Weapon in Marriage
But there is also the issue of weaponizing sexual intimacy
in marriage. We have cases of a husband or wife depriving their spouse simply
because there is a disagreement. This is very wrong, and that is why Paul
called it out in 1 Corinthians 7:5.
By virtue of the fact that you people are married, based on
God’s definition found in Genesis 2:23 and in Matthew 19:6, Jesus says they are
no longer two but one. On the basis of these scriptures, Paul says in 1
Corinthians 7:4 that a woman's body does not belong to her alone but also to
her husband, and likewise, a man’s body does not belong to him alone but also
to his wife.
And this is so because the Lord intends that the body be a
vessel of sexual intimacy, fostering love, closeness, affection, and attention,
and not to be used as a weapon of war in marriage. And this underscores the
importance of a man taking care of his wife’s body because that body belongs to
him also, and vice versa.
Physically abusing your spouse’s body is physically abusing
yourself. You may not feel the physical pain, but the Lord will hold you
accountable spiritually. Like the story I shared earlier, you cannot physically
abuse your spouse’s body and still expect that same body to serve your sexual
needs. What you take care of will serve you well, and what you disdain will repel
you.
Building a Marriage of Closeness, Affection and Care
Like every other aspect of marriage, the intimacy part of it
is very important and should be taken care of diligently. I agree that stress
and fatigue may create bottlenecks in sexual intimacy, but we should not allow them
to create a bottleneck in other aspects of intimacy.
Personal hygiene that makes intimacy attractive should also be
a daily lifestyle. These are spices that make marriages a beautiful and
holistic experience, just like God intended it to be.
Today’s post is the tenth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.
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