Finances in Marriage: What Does the Bible Say About Who Should Pay the Bills?

I once spoke to a friend who was divorced, and she was telling me some of the things that her husband did that hurt her feelings. One of them was that immediately after she was able to get a job, her husband split all the house bills in half and demanded that they share the bill payments, and she had to remit her own portion to his account every month. 

Her husband singularly paid all the bills while she was unemployed, but as soon as she began to earn income, he set the rule that she had to pay her own share of the home’s running costs. And this is not a case in isolation. All over the internet, there have been debates about whether the husband and wife should share the bills or not.

What Does the Bible Say About Financial Responsibility in Marriage?

Before sharing anything about how to handle financial stress in marriages, we need to check the Bible, God’s own word, to understand the mind of God when it comes to the matter of money and its impact on marriages.

One of the most popular scriptures when it comes to the matter of finance and marriage is 1 Timothy 5:8, and it reads, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially those of his household, he has denied the faith and worse than an unbeliever.”

From this scripture, and the role of the man as the head of the home, and the one assigned by God to care for his wife as his own body (Ephesians 5:25-29), and train his children in the way of the Lord, we won’t argue with the fact that the husband is the primary financier of the family.

A good man ensures that his family is well taken care of, and he would do whatever it takes to ensure the well-being of members of his home. A good man is sacrificial in ensuring he fulfills his God-given assignment, because his assignment is to follow the pattern laid by Jesus.

So, expecting a man to go above and beyond in this regard will not be a surprise. But more importantly, the underlying catalyst is love. A man who loves his family deeply and genuinely will do what it takes to care for them sacrificially. A man who loves will do all that is within him to show that love, and financially providing for his family is one of the means of showing that love.

Should a Wife Help Her Husband Financially?

But there is another caveat to this theory. A man who is genuinely needing help to fulfill his God-given role as the provider for his family has not sinned if he seeks the financial support of his wife when he is sure she is capable of providing that support.

In discussing this angle of the matter, I want us to consider Proverbs 31:16-18, and it says, “She considers a field and buys it; from her profits she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength, and strengthens her arms. She perceives that her merchandise is good, and her lamp does not go out by night.”

The scripture above is the description of a virtuous woman. The Proverbs 31 woman is not idle. She is industrious, resourceful, productive, and willing to use her abilities to contribute to the flourishing of her household, including financially where she has the opportunity and capacity to do so.

Should Husbands and Wives Split the Bills 50/50?

The question that then comes to mind is: Is she supposed to be earning income to hand it over to her husband, or is it right for the husband to demand that she shares in equal proportion the family expenses simply because she is earning income?

While there is no right or wrong answer to these questions, we can glean wisdom from God’s word as we try to approach this. Genesis 2:18 describes what God has in mind when He formed the woman. That verse says, “And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him.’”

So, the woman that God made and handed over to the man, who then became his wife, was formed as a suitable helper for the man. If we agree to this truth, then a man asking financial help from his wife, who is formed for him as his suitable helper, is not out of place.

God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — discover God’s principles for navigating money, responsibility, and financial support without resentment or division, and build a marriage where love, honor, unity, and God’s design come first.

Marriage Is a Partnership: Two Are Better Than One

But more than this, the angle I want to approach this from is found in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, which says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor: if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”

A good wife should be readily available to help when it is required of her, first because she is her husband’s suitable helper, and because that is what partners should do naturally; they should help one another up in times of a fall.

But when a man refuses to carry out his financial obligations to his family and shies away from his responsibilities not because he does not have the means to, but because his wife works hard and earns income, then 1 Timothy 5:8 tells us that such a man has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

So being able to do and not doing when it comes to a man’s financial responsibility to his family is an act of irresponsibility. I have seen a man who continually grows in God’s blessings, and one of his secrets to success is that he cares for his family sacrificially. Nothing is too much for him to spend for the comfort of his family.

When Financial Support Becomes a Weapon in Marriage

But there is another side of the coin that I want to talk about. There is another true-life story of a divorced couple, and one of the husband’s pain points is that the wife really does help whenever she is called upon to support financially, but when there is a slight misunderstanding, she starts to recount all that she has done for the husband.

She will hound him with the house furniture she bought, the home appliances she paid for, and the mortgage she supported, and, as such, make the man feel worthless. And so one begins to wonder if the financial support was even worth it in the first place.

Proverbs 31:11-12 says, “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” And verse 23 says, “Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.”

These scriptures above tell us what is expected of a good wife. It is not enough that a wife supports her husband financially, but that she honors him even while doing so. Money should be a blessing and not a curse. It should be enjoyed and not used as a weapon.  

Submission, Money, and Obedience to God

If you then ask me what I would do if I were in the position of a wife whose husband has asked for financial assistance. First, because communication between my husband and me is very active and we discuss a lot, I will not wait for him to ask before jumping in to help if he needs it.

If you ask again what I would do if my husband demanded that we share the household bills equally, my answer is that I would pay my share. Not because I believe that a 50/50 arrangement is fair, but my submission to my husband is ultimately an act of obedience to God.

Ephesians 5:22–24 tells wives to submit to their own husbands as unto the Lord. Therefore, my focus would not simply be on whether I agree with my husband's decision or not, but on whether I am obeying what God has required of me. Unless what my husband asks of me requires me to disobey God, I cannot define submission as yielding only when I agree with him.

My husband is responsible before God for how he leads me, and I am responsible before God for how I respond to his leadership. If his decision is unfair, God can deal with him concerning his responsibility; but I should not allow his failure in one area to become my justification for disobedience in another.

So, when I pay that bill, I am not merely putting money toward a household expense. I am choosing to honor God's Word. I believe that no sincere act of obedience to God is wasted. God sees the heart from which that obedience comes, and He is the One who rewards those who honor Him. My confidence, therefore, is not in the fairness of the arrangement, but in the faithfulness of the God whom I am ultimately obeying.

In my own real world, I am a stay-at-home mum who does not earn income yet, but my invaluable contribution to my husband is priceless and well appreciated by my husband. But when I do earn income, what I would do is what I have described above.

I will say this as my closing: The husband is the primary provider of the home. God, knowing that there will be downtimes in a man’s life journey, provides a suitable helper for him in the person of his wife. A good wife should not sit idle; as much as she can, she should earn income or strive to earn income.

A wife who financially supports her husband does what is good. But more than just supporting your husband financially, how you do it matters. Do it while protecting his honor. A man who has the capacity to take care of his family financially but does not has lost the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Financial disagreements are rarely just about money. They often reveal deeper questions about responsibility, sacrifice, trust, honor, submission, and how two people learn to function as one. And these are not principles we need only when financial pressure comes; they are part of learning how to build a marriage according to God’s design.

Today’s post is the twelfth in our three-month series on marriage. If this message has challenged you to look more closely at how God’s Word should shape not only your finances, but the way you relate to your spouse, then I invite you to go deeper.

My book, God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage, walks you through biblical principles for building a marriage that honors God and remains strong through the different seasons of life.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

Communication Problems in Marriage: Causes and How to Fix Them

There is a proverb that says, “Familiarity breeds contempt,” and simple as this may be, familiarity is one of the silent killers of marriage if we are not careful to pay close attention to it. Couples get so familiar with one another and then begin to take each other for granted, and then a loss of respect for each other creeps in.

With time, they begin to lose value for each other, and this loss of value is evident in the way they communicate with one another. They begin to throw piercing words at each other, and verbal abuse begins to surface. And I will tell you that verbal abuse is as emotionally damaging as physical abuse is to the body.

In today’s blog, I want to discuss the issue of communication and conflict in marriages. Still, I am most interested in the root cause of negative communication and conflict in marriage.

When Familiarity Begins to Affect Communication in Marriage

It is common knowledge that when you are so close to someone for a very long time, chances are that you will get very familiar with that person, and the probability of taking that person for granted is high. When they are supposed to come first, they come last, with you telling yourself that such a person would understand.

And this even gets worse if, for any reason, you perceive that the person isn’t adding much value to you. Let’s take an example of an executive director of a multinational firm whose wife is a stay-at-home mum. To such a man, the probability of him taking his wife for granted is high if his measure of the value of the wife’s contribution to the home is quantitative.

For a man like that, if she is not contributing in monetary value, she might be considered not contributing at all. The familiarity they share, along with his inability to see the value of her contribution, will cause him to take her for granted and erode the respect he has for her. His lack of respect begins to show in his communication with her, causing verbal abuse and conflict.

The Connection Between Value, Respect, and Communication

Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” This is one of my focus scriptures when I consider the issue of communication in marriage. I hold on to the fact that what to say, when to say it, and how to say it matter a lot when dealing with communication in marriage.

But in the course of writing this blog, the Lord is taking it deeper for me. One truth is that there is a correlation between the value you place on your spouse and the way you communicate with them. When you hold your spouse in high esteem, you care about their feelings, and in turn you pay attention to how you communicate with them.

So, what I am learning and sharing is that there is a chance that the way your spouse values you may have a quiet impact on the way they communicate with you. The value your spouse places on you impacts the level of respect they have for you, and the way they respect you impacts the way they communicate with you.

If your spouse respects you, they will speak with you respectfully, and vice versa. Now, for those who are having communication issues in their marriage, one thing to consider is the level of respect your spouse has for you.

I strongly believe that the level of value your spouse has for you determines the level of respect you get from them, and this shows in the way they communicate with you. I know there will be little bouts of conflict, but the respect they have for you often makes the conflicts short-lived.   

How Do You Restore Value and Respect in Your Marriage?

So that brings me to the thought: how do you make your spouse value you? The value and respect your spouse gives you cannot be demanded or forced, or it will not be genuine. This is something you earn based on what you offer them.

To explain my thought properly, I want to use an illustration that I hope will help me get this across effectively. When you give someone a gift they don’t need, no matter how expensive that gift is, if it does not meet a need, it is not valued.

When you give a gift that is highly needed, even if it does not cost much, such a gift is genuinely appreciated, and the one who has been gifted the item would most likely hold the giver of the gift in high honor and respect.

So, one of the easiest ways to earn the respect and value of your spouse is to meet an important need in their lives. When you have positioned yourself as an indispensable and invaluable part of their lives, you become respected and spoken to with respect.

But there is a caveat to this assumption: a spouse may be trying their best to position themselves as an invaluable part of their spouse’s life but still not meet the mark. And this is where prayer becomes very important.

Earlier, I shared an illustration of giving an expensive gift that is not needed. A lot of times we assume we know what our spouses need, but if they have not told us, “This is what I want from you,” what you think you know is still an assumption with margins of error.

But when you pray and follow the leading of the Lord, He will lead you straight to the center of your spouse’s heart and teach you what to do and how to position yourself as an invaluable component of their life.

God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — discover God’s principles for restoring value and respect, communicating with love, and building a marriage where both spouses feel seen, appreciated, and deeply valued.

How God Changed Communication in My Own Marriage

Communication in my marriage was an issue I dealt with for a long time. I am a stay-at-home mum, and this has been so for 85% of the time in my nearly 23 years of marriage. I take care of the house diligently, manage our four children, and do the household chores, but these are activities that my husband cannot quantify in figures and, as such, concluded I was not bringing any value to the home.

This eroded a large chunk of the respect he had for me and the way we communicated. My self-esteem was at its lowest. And I honestly contemplated a divorce because I was tired of putting up with the disrespect.

And the honest truth was that my husband didn’t realize he was doing anything wrong. But I took my hurt to God and allowed Him to lead me. The first thing I discovered was that I found myself taking an interest in online courses. 

I quietly began to take my career seriously and began to grow myself. This was not me waiting for my husband to value me, but allowing God to teach me to pour value into myself. I began to take certification exams and started growing.

The moment my husband noticed that I was taking all these courses, his perception of me started to shift. I took courses in business analysis and moved towards web development. I started learning programming languages and how to code. And even though I am still a stay-at-home mum, the way my husband sees me and respects me has improved greatly.

I would not miss the fact that, by divine grace, he got a job relocation to another country while the children and I live in another country, and he found himself having to do the household chores all by himself. This made him appreciative of the things I was doing for him that he took for granted.

We are in a better place in our marriage now, and we share strong respect for each other. I am not removing the bouts of conflict, but because of the value and respect we have for each other, we are quick to apologize. Now, my husband does not mind saying sorry when he is wrong. He even apologized for taking me for granted in the past years.

What to Do When Your Spouse No Longer Recognizes Your Value

Although I will not generalize this assumption, I would rather say that the first place to begin tackling a communication problem in a marriage is the place of weighing the value you place on your spouse. Have you gotten so familiar with your spouse that you begin to take them for granted?

If you believe that your spouse is beginning to communicate with you in a disrespectful manner, the solution is not to fight them, nor is it to demand respect. Let’s begin to seek the solution from a place of prayer.

It is so very possible that you are doing so much that your spouse is yet to appreciate, just because they are yet to put a value to it. In some cases, they get so familiar with you taking care of that concern that they begin to take it for granted and lose its value.

That is a problem you cannot solve on your own; that is an assignment for God to handle. This is because you cannot force your spouse to appreciate your contribution if they have yet to see its value. It’s only God who can restore such lost value and make them appreciate your efforts again.

Let God Lead You into Personal Growth

The second thing I would encourage you to do is to continue building yourself with the help of God. Your spouse may fail to recognize your value, but that should never stop you from growing. Allow God to show you the areas where you need to develop, not merely to earn your spouse’s approval, but to become everything He has called you to be.

Achieving this does not necessarily mean throwing yourself cheaply at the beck and call of your spouse. Doing that devalues you more. The answer is to go to God for a strategy on how you can improve yourself in the area of need of your spouse that will make you an invaluable component of their life.

Sometimes this does not require you to do more for your spouse, but to do more for yourself and improve your self-worth and self-esteem to the point that you begin to earn their respect. People value what they need, and they respect what they value. So, becoming who they need makes your spouse respect you more and communicate with you with respect.

Doing this achieves two important goals. You become a better you in the long run and achieve the goal of earning the respect of your spouse without conflicts or negative drama in the home.

And in this pursuit, your strategy is not arrogance or vengeance. It is doing what you are doing in love and humility. In working towards a better marriage, you should never neglect your God-given role in that marriage. The wife submits to her husband as unto the Lord, and the husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church.

Today’s post is the eleventh of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.

Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: What the Bible Says and Why It Matters

The way we brush away the issue of intimacy in marriage as something not to be spoken about openly is very interesting. It is often assumed that sex is not a thing to be discussed openly by Christians. It is viewed as a dirty topic and can only be addressed privately in the secrecy of the couple's bedroom.

Why Christians Need to Talk About Sexual Intimacy

But while we shy away from this vital aspect of marriage, this issue is breaking some homes. I have heard of a true-life story of a couple who divorced because the wife claimed her husband was not satisfying her intimacy demands.

Now, that is not a case in isolation, as I know another couple who had a very messy breakup, and the underlying problem was the wife not being experienced enough to meet the sexual demands of her husband.

These two were always fighting. The wife was in her mid-thirties when she got married, and she was a virgin. Due to the maturity of her body and her celibacy, her first attempt at sex after getting married was not an interesting one. It was a painful attempt.  A couple more attempts were not any better.

Unfortunately, her husband was not a good communicator, with high hopes and expectations that turned into disappointment, irritation, and aggression. The wife assumed there were demonic attacks on her marriage, as she could not understand what about her was pissing her husband off.

She prayed, and prayed, and eventually sought shelter for safety when irritation and aggression turned into physical abuse. She walked out of her home and back to her parents without truly knowing what was wrong with the man she was married to.

There were several interventions from the wife's and husband's parents, and when all attempts to patch things up between them failed, as the husband insisted he was done, he filed for a divorce, and they went their separate ways.

When the Real Problem Is a Lack of Communication

I met the husband for the first time about 6 years after the divorce, when he reached out to me after reading some of my blog articles. We got talking, and he told me about his divorce. I was curious, as I never wanted to hear of couples divorcing. I asked many questions and even requested to speak to his ex-wife, with the hope of igniting a reconciliation.

In the course of talking to this couple, they told me many things that didn’t add up, but the man kept nagging about the fact that the wife didn’t like sex. The fact that he kept repeating it told me more than he admitted, and I confronted him about it.

It was when I stayed on the issue of his sex life in our discussion that he admitted that it was a big issue for him. But what beat my imagination was that he never complained about it to his wife. When I asked him why he never addressed the issue with his wife, his response was that she was supposed to know.

What killed that marriage was not just the fact that sex was a problem, but communication about sex was the main killer. The only way this Christian husband was able to communicate his demands to his wife when it related to sex was to buy her books about sex and nothing more. In his world, she was supposed to understand what the books were for.

I have just shared two true-life situations where the marriage was broken solely because of a problem with intimacy in those marriages. And these are not cases in isolation. Problems with intimacy in marriage form part of the irreconcilable differences used as reasons for divorce. Calling it irreconcilable differences is just not wanting to say the real issue out loud.

While sexual intimacy should not be the main reason for couples to go into marriage, it is a very important part of a marriage union. Intimacy is one of the physical displays of love that promotes oneness in marriage. It encourages affection and helps the bond of togetherness in marriage stay strong.

What Does the Bible Say About Sexual Intimacy in Marriage?

But it is interesting to note that the issue of intimacy in marriage was not left out of the Bible. 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 says, “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

If this topic of sexual intimacy is discussed in the Bible, then that tells us that it is a matter that should be addressed strongly. When intimacy disappears and is left unaddressed, an important part of the marital bond can begin to suffer. Though intimacy is not the first thing in marriage, it is a strong lifeline of a good marriage.

It is a bonding gift from God to the married couple that should be enjoyed by both partners. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that the husband and wife should not deprive one another of this good gift except for mutual consent and for a short time.

While I cannot explicitly give guidelines about intimacy in marriage, one truth needs to be emphasized. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:4 that the wife does not have authority over her body, but her husband does, and likewise the husband does not have authority over his body, but his wife does.

But this scripture should not be misread. The scripture does not encourage an entitlement mentality or coercion or aggression when it comes to the issue of intimacy in marriage. Intimacy is a display of love that should be earned. Intimacy is not an act that should be forced.

God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — discover God’s principles for building deeper intimacy, communicating with love, and nurturing the closeness and oneness He designed marriage to enjoy.

When the Real Problem Is a Lack of Communication

Intimacy in marriage, as designed by God, is for the good of the husband and the wife. It should be a thing of pleasure and love. But for some women, the first experience of sexual intimacy can involve discomfort or pain, which makes patience, communication, gentleness, and understanding especially important. And this is the downside of the story I shared earlier.

But that is not meant to be a problem when a married couple learns to communicate openly, with understanding and love as they navigate new terrains of their marriage. There is always a first time for every experience, and this precious issue should be handled with love and care.

Sexual Intimacy Is About More Than Sex

Two things I want to mention just as I close this discussion are that sexual intimacy plays a very significant and beneficial role in marriage, but it can also be abused. In the next few paragraphs, I will explain why I say this.

The dictionary meaning of intimacy is closeness; one of the meanings of closeness, when viewed in the context of a relationship, is affection. And the last thing I found is that closeness is “the quality of being done in an attentive and thorough way”.

So intimacy in marriage means closeness, affection, attention, and thoroughness. I want to believe deep in my heart that all of these beautiful attributes are qualities the Lord had in mind when He added sexual intimacy to marriage.  

This is beyond procreation; it is beyond reproduction; those are just the fruits of the gift of sexual intimacy. But at the core of this act are closeness, affection, attention, and thoroughness. The couple pays attention to the needs of one another in an affectionate and thorough manner.

That is what God wants; that is why He made them bone of bones and flesh of flesh to one another. I have come to realize, maybe with a few exceptions, that couples cannot stay angry with each other after an act of sexual intimacy. If they had issues or disagreements, sexual intimacy tends to dissolve the problem easily.

When Intimacy Becomes a Weapon in Marriage

But there is also the issue of weaponizing sexual intimacy in marriage. We have cases of a husband or wife depriving their spouse simply because there is a disagreement. This is very wrong, and that is why Paul called it out in 1 Corinthians 7:5.

By virtue of the fact that you people are married, based on God’s definition found in Genesis 2:23 and in Matthew 19:6, Jesus says they are no longer two but one. On the basis of these scriptures, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:4 that a woman's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband, and likewise, a man’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

And this is so because the Lord intends that the body be a vessel of sexual intimacy, fostering love, closeness, affection, and attention, and not to be used as a weapon of war in marriage. And this underscores the importance of a man taking care of his wife’s body because that body belongs to him also, and vice versa.

Physically abusing your spouse’s body is physically abusing yourself. You may not feel the physical pain, but the Lord will hold you accountable spiritually. Like the story I shared earlier, you cannot physically abuse your spouse’s body and still expect that same body to serve your sexual needs. What you take care of will serve you well, and what you disdain will repel you.

Building a Marriage of Closeness, Affection and Care

Like every other aspect of marriage, the intimacy part of it is very important and should be taken care of diligently. I agree that stress and fatigue may create bottlenecks in sexual intimacy, but we should not allow them to create a bottleneck in other aspects of intimacy.

Personal hygiene that makes intimacy attractive should also be a daily lifestyle. These are spices that make marriages a beautiful and holistic experience, just like God intended it to be.

Today’s post is the tenth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

Click the book image or the "click for details" button below to get your copy.