What will our children say was our legacy as parents? I
watched people honor a successful man after his death. But what impressed me
wasn't primarily what he had achieved professionally. It was what people said
about him as a father.
It was said that despite his very busy schedule and
disciplined lifestyle, he didn’t joke with his assignment as a father. If this
actor has left a legacy in his departure from the face of the earth, it would
be that he left behind children who would make the world a better place for
others.
Intentional Parenting: Your Children Shouldn’t Get What Is Left of You
One of the men I respect so much in the Bible is the man
named Job, whose story is in the book of Job. There are many beautiful
qualities that Job had, but the one that I respect and admire the most is his
intentionality as a father.
Job 1:4-5 says, “And his sons would go and feast in their
houses, each on his appointed day, and would send and invite their three
sisters to eat and drink with them. So it was, when the days of feasting had
run their course, that Job would send and sanctify them, and would rise early
in the morning and offer burnt offering according to the number of them all.
For Job said, ‘It may be that my sons have sinned and cursed God in their
hearts.’ Thus Job did regularly.”
Some things caught my attention about the man and father
called Job; he was very rich; the Bible said he was the greatest of the people
of the East in his time. So, we are not discussing minor wealth. That tells us
that Job would naturally be a very busy man.
Shortly after the Bible tells us about his wealth and his
greatness, the verse that follows tells us about his fatherly traits. So to say
that Job’s work ethic is not running contrary to his parenting assignment. He
pays attention to his children as much as he does to his wealth.
That speaks loudly to me.
There will always be legitimate demands on our time. Work
can be demanding. Building a career can be demanding. Running a business,
pursuing financial stability, serving in ministry, and managing the
responsibilities of everyday life can all be demanding. But success in one
assignment does not give us permission to neglect another assignment God has
entrusted to us.
Job was successful, but he was also intentional. He worked,
but he watched. He prospered, but he still paid attention to his children. His
commitment to his work did not run contrary to his commitment as a father.
And perhaps that is one of the first lessons we need to
learn about intentional parenting: our children should not receive only what is
left of us after everything else has taken its share.
Parenting Is a God-Given Assignment
Interestingly, in Genesis 18:19, we see God saying that He
chose Abraham so that he will direct his children and his household after him
to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just, so that the Lord
will bring about for Abraham what He has promised him.
We need to know and understand that parenting is not a
trivial issue. Those we give birth to will grow to be the custodians of the
society we live in. And so, the future of that society rests on our ability to
give it well-nurtured and disciplined custodians. The value of our society is
determined by the value of those who live in it.
Parental Availability Matters More Than We Sometimes Realize
I have often shared that for the better part of my married
life, I have been a stay-at-home mom. And if there is something I have strongly
prayed about, it’s my ability to earn my own income. There is nothing I want
more than to have my own financial independence.
This desire is not a dream; I graduated from the university
about 25 years ago, and I had been gainfully employed before I got married. So
I always wonder why God has held me down in this aspect of my life, while he
has answered almost everything else that I have prayed about.
And what I have come to realize is that there is an
assignment God wants me to fulfill that requires attention. And that assignment
is parenting. Please note that the fact that I am not financially independent
does not mean I am lacking. When it comes to my needs, God has always come
through, and my husband has been fantastic.
But more than my financial independence, God is more
interested in the fruits produced from my marriage. While God has blessed my
husband, the kind of wealth that would give him the flexibility of time to be
as busy as Job and yet be available for our children still remains a prayer
point for us.
But while he remains gainfully employed and is sometimes
required to stay away from home for a long stretch of time, God ensured that I
am made fully available to fill the parenting gap for both of us. Though I want
the money, I am always in awe of God’s wisdom in the path He has charted for my
family.
As a stay-at-home mom, I have learned that one of the most
important aspects of parenting is availability. And that does not mean just
physical presence, but emotional, psychological, and even moral availability.
I have been there to care for, listen to, counsel, scold,
cheer them on, watch programs with them that I am not interested in, advise on
haircuts, and pass comments on makeup. Every phase of their growth requires a
different approach and a different form of availability.
Before I jump ahead, I want to state that not all mothers
would be called to be a stay-at-home mom. And pursuing and excelling in a
career path is not a sin and does not make anyone less of a parent. The
important word is availability for the children.
If both parents pursue careers that still afford them room
to be available for their parenting assignment, then that is a great
opportunity. But that is different from the reality of my own circumstances.
Parenting Doesn’t End When Your Children Become Adults
Going back to the story of Job and his children, one thing I
gleaned from it is that Job’s children were not young. They were adults living
in their own homes, because the Bible tells us that they would take turns to
have a feast in their houses.
And yet Job was so invested in their lives that, though he
was not interfering, he was still watching from a corner, observing when they
would be done with their round of feasts, and then he stepped in to sanctify
them. He was not imposing, yet he was available. And that shows that “parents
never go off duty.”
Your Children Are Watching the Life You Model
Another important thing that I noticed about effective
parenting is the ability to model the behavior you expect from your children.
If you don’t want your children telling lies, it’s important that you don’t
tell lies and, most importantly, don’t let them hear lies from you. Children
learn from what we deliberately teach them, but they also learn from what we
never intended to teach them at all.
I am a very homely person. I hardly go out. I think if there
is anything I am lazy about, it’s picking up my car keys to drive out and visit
a friend. The interesting discovery I have made is that my older children also
don’t particularly like leaving the house. So they have the routine of school
and home, or work and home.
And though they don’t have anyone stopping them, it’s just
what they have seen in the parent they have spent the most time with. Just as
Christ has come to model the acceptable way of living to us as children of God,
we must understand that we also practice what we preach to our children.
Never Stop Praying for Your Children
One assignment we cannot stop as parents is to pray for our
children. Isaiah 54:13 says, “All your children shall be taught by the Lord,
and great shall be the peace of your children.” This scripture is activated
and made manifest through prayer.
The wisdom to direct your children comes from God through
prayer. The discernment to know what they need and when they need it comes from
God through prayer. No parents, on their own merit, without the help of God,
can effectively raise godly children.
Parenting is too important to leave to chance. We may not
always get everything right, and our circumstances will differ, but God has
entrusted children to us for a reason. We must be intentional about being
available, model the values we want them to embrace, and continually place them
before God in prayer.
Our children will eventually grow up and build lives of
their own, but our assignment to love them, guide them wisely, and pray for
them never truly ends.
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