The Indispensable Wife

In my last post I wrote about the domesticated wife and in the post before that I wrote about loving love; loving to be loved. Tying the two together I will say that been domesticated is one of the possible means of digging up your husband’s love for you. I tried it out in my marriage and it worked.

But there is another dimension to all these that is worth talking about and that is the angle of the indispensable wife. Other words that can replace the word indispensable are: vital, very important, essential, crucial, requisite, necessary; but I will like to define indispensable with the phrase “can’t do without. So an indispensable wife is a wife who is so very important, crucial, essential, necessary, requisite and a "cannot do without wife" to her husband. An indispensable wife is a part of her husband that he cannot do without.

I am of the opinion that if you are a wife that your husband can do without and when you are not there nothing is missing, then you don’t have any business being a wife. So its either you are an indispensable wife or you are no wife at all. An indispensable wife is a wife who adds value to her husband. She is his rock support from God.    

Being an indispensable wife is not an easy task based on my own personal experience. To my husband I am not just his wife, but I am wife/friend, wife/secretary, wife/personal assistance, wife/confidant, wife/adviser, wife/record keeper, wife/cook all in addition to being a mother of four children and a servant of God. When my husband is looking for anything at all in the house from remote control to socks, I am his first point of call. I keep my husband’s calendar outside of his office calendar. I basically organize my husband’s life and I feel fulfilled doing it.

From his laundry to the grooming of his finger and toe nails, I take care of them all and I have been doing so from the very moment we married. And I enjoy every bit of it. I am not saying that every woman should be in charge of cutting their husband’s nails, but as a wife you should be strategically positioned in the life of your husband such that he is able to say that "I can’t remain sane without my wife." When you know what your husband likes and you keep giving it to him, you gradually move from just any wife to an indispensable wife to your husband.

When you are an indispensable wife to your husband, you cut down on the probability of him having extra-marital affairs. You also increase the bond of unity between the two of you and you should also know that with unity comes success and with unity impossibility is eradicated from your marriage.

You may want to ask why we are not talking about the indispensable husband, well again it’s because it’s the wife that has been assigned by God to build the home; she lays the foundation on which the marriage is built. An indispensable wife is a wife that enjoys the love, care and cooperation of her husband as she builds her marriage.

I must say that marriage is not for lazy hands. Please note that as a wife your first and most important assignment to you from God is to be a wife and suitable helper to the man He assigns you to as head over your life. That should be your most important pursuit in life because you will give account to God based on this pursuit. All other pursuits are secondary and just a means to an end. They don't hold greater priority above the assignment God has given you.
May the Lord bless our homes in Jesus name. 

The Domesticated Wife

Now the holidays are over and we can resume work fully. I have been busy with my new book titled "Marriage Handbook" which is simply a compilation of all the write-ups on marriage shared on this blog till February 2017. And so far I have come up with a book of about 600pages. I am sure you will agree with me that that is huge. But editing it has been a big experience for me in that I am amazed at the loads of lessons and revelations contained in that one piece of material. It's worth having I assure you. It's not out yet; it requires more editing and a little bit of finishing touches. But as soon as the cover art work is out, I will sure share it here. And I need help with marketing my books. I will appreciate any help that I can get as I am struggling with marketing my books.
But that said, it's time to get down to the main business of today's write-up which is talking about the domesticated wife. That kind of wife that is mostly refereed to as the superwoman who seem to have everything under control; always on top of the affairs of her home.  
The most fitting definition for the word domesticate that I can find in the dictionary says “to accustom to household life or affairs.” And one truth that I have discovered is that no matter the level of exposure a wife has, no matter her career achievement, no matter her entrepreneurial expertise, most, if not all men love to be married to wives who are accustomed to household affairs; a wife who can take proper care of the home, cook good food, ensure a neat home that is appealing to all the sense organs in addition to all other roles she still has to play as a wife. Now going by the characteristics of a wife of noble character as found in Proverbs 31:10-31, it looks more like its the expectation of a wife to be accustomed to household life or affairs.  

In truth being a wife can be overwhelming and taking my yesterday for example, where my hired help took two days off work to attend to her personal issues, I can tell you for free that by the time I was out of my kitchen, I could barely stand on my two legs with my knees threatening to give way going by how tired I was from doing house chores.
But when I evaluated all that the woman has to do on the face of the earth, I realized that her husband and children should be on her priority list. All other pursuit of a woman are a means to an end of building a successful and beautiful home and marriage, because God’s judgment of her earthly performance will be based on how well she performed as a wife and mother. God will not ask a wife why she didn’t become a Managing Director of a company before leaving the face of the earth, but God will surely demand an account of how well she performed as a suitable helper in the life of her husband.  

Quite a number of marriages have crash landed owing the inability of the wife to get accustomed to household life and affairs (she is not domesticated). Being able to take care of your home as a wife is one of the important ingredients of a successful marriage and one of your functions as a home builder. The house chores can really be tiring but if you cannot cope alone, get a helping hand but at least ensure that they are done and done properly.

Being domesticated is one of the ways with which I have been able to ignite my husband’s love for me. It can also work for you (although being domesticated is not all you need to dig up your husband’s love, but its part of the whole); it is a value-add to being a superwoman that has grown to be all that her husband needs and wants. It is a value-add that helps you ignite your husband's love and respect for you as his wife.

May the Lord bless our homes. 

I Just Love LOVE

I want to start my gist today by saying that I love LOVE. I wonder who doesn’t anyway. I love to love and be loved. One of my favorite songs is the love song by late Teddy Pendagrass that say “to beloved and love in return in the greatest thing that my heart desires.” I find myself in synced with that love song so very much.

But one truth about love is that it is earned. Some talk about love at first sight, but in truth that’s not love, its infatuation. True love takes time to grow and develop. But for true love to develop, something has to give. Just like everything that grows, love begins with a seed. Sometimes just a smile, a kind word, a helping hand, your appearance, carriage, composure, intellect and so many other things can form a basis for love to grow. These are seeds that germinate into love. So if you love LOVE like I do then you can’t demand it or enforce it, you need to sow a seed for it, nurture the seed that you have sown and then watch it grow.

Love in marriage follows the same pattern; its starts with a seed of love sown and then nurtured to grow. I understand that God instructs the husband to love their wives as themselves and as Christ loves the church, but this love doesn’t just appear. Its easier for the man to love his wife when she is wise enough to sow the seed of love in him and nurture it to grow.

I have heard some men (my husband inclusive) say with pride that their wives taught them to love. They are not ashamed to say it because in truth it is a thing of pride to help your husband love you more. Every man created by God has the capacity to love, but that capacity is put into full use when they have people around them who just make them to want to keep loving. In that case, the capacity to love is fully maximized.

A wise woman who loves Love like I do will make effort at igniting the love in her husband for her. No matter how deeply buried that love is, she needs to learn to dig it up. She needs to keep digging it up with deeds and acts and even words that will do nothing else but make her husband want to love her all the more. Because there is no feeling as good as knowing and being confident that your husband or wife loves you to the moon and back. And when you put up the appropriate acts and words that will enhance the growth of your husband's love for you, then crown all your efforts with prayers. There is no sin in you praying to God daily that your husband loves you more than he did the day before. And you can be sure that when your deeds and actions are right and your words to your husband are right, then God has something to work with in answering your prayers. 

The things you say and do to your husband always, should be words and actions that will light up the fire of love for you in your husband. Even when he is putting up a front, don’t get distracted, don’t get dismayed because you have a goal you are pursuing and that goal is to make sure you bring out the love that God has placed inside of your husband for you and that goal must be achieved.

If you ask me if its possible to fire up the flames of love in your husband, I will say a big YES. And if you ask me how, I will tell you that the answer cannot be generalized, because what appeals to Mr. A might not appeal to Mr. B. But what can be generalized is that a wife prayerfully submits to her husband; the use of words that are sweet as honeycomb and healing to the soul are part of the seeds you need to sow in order to ignite your husband’s love for you. Also I will say that your physical appearance is also a huge factor that attracts your husband to you (Looking good is good business), and then quite a lot men love their wives being domesticated. So these are some of the seeds that you can sow in your marriage that are likely to grow into your husband loving you and expressing his love for you.

Digging up the love of your husband is so very important for the success of your marriage because the pursue your own assignment as a suitable helper to your husband is made a lot easier when you have the love and cooperation of your husband. Its common knowledge that its so easy and convenient to be a suitable helper to a loving husband; as you would have given your life to serving him without even knowing it. But what a huge and tiring task it is to have to be a suitable helper to a husband who does not love you. Its just a matter of time before you give up on God and throwing in the towel on your marriage when your husband isn’t showing you any love or appreciation.

So when you get into marriage, the first pursuit is to gain and retain your husband’s love you. All other home building tasks becomes easy to accomplish with the love of your husband for you secured and guaranteed. 
But I will plead with women not to dig out the love of any man who is not their husbands. This digging out of love should be solely for married couples, and in the same vain, women should not give their love to men who are not their husbands. Love is sweet yet very dangerous when not applied right (Song of songs 8:6-7). Love is too strong to be toyed with, so we use it very carefully and apply it appropriately.
May the Lord bless our homes. 

True a Woman Cannot Correct Her Husband But She Can Do Much More

I am so sorry for taking another few days off; I am still tied down with working on the book “Marriage Handbook.” It’s a compilation of all the marriage post I have shared on this blog and I am really blown away by what insight is contained in those messages. Those messages are not my ability in any way, they can only come from God. Just trying to edit them has been a huge lesson for me.

In my last post we discussed on the issue of why it is wrong for a wife to try to correct her husband. We also discussed that men and women are not mate in marriage and established the fact that the man is the head of his wife the woman. But if we leave the discussion there, it will be an imbalanced approach to the hierarchy of things in marriage and the men/husband might as well just take an undue advantage of their wives in the home in the name of being superior to her. So here is the return leg of the discussion.

Malachi 2:13-14, 16

Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.  

“I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.

1 Peter 3:7

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

I have made references to these two Bible passages countless times and it’s always new and fresh and with new meaning each time. It is very true that the head of the wife/woman is the man and also very true that it is out of the wife’s scope of assignment to try to correct her husband or enforce her opinion on him. A wife will be playing her role well if she is in submission to her husband. But this wife who should be and is in submission to her husband is very fragile and delicate to the fulfillment of her husband’s destiny. She is the neck that holds the head in place. She is that precious partner of the man that should be treated with love and care. A man who wants to truncate his own destiny will begin his own undoing by treating his wife unfairly.

The wife is so very delicate and important that the Lord had to warn the men to guard themselves in their spirit and be careful not to break faith with the wife of their youth. The fact that your wife cannot correct or instruct you does not translate to the fact that she is a brainless glorified housemaid in your life. It is the height of ignorance that will make a man to show respect and honor even for his children above his wife as some men do.

God said that for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and the two will become one in flesh and spirit. And then Jesus said in Matthew 18:19 that if two agree on earth about anything they ask for, it will be done for then by our Father in Heaven. Which better two can agree concerning a thing and ask same of God and be assured that what they have asked for will be done for them if not the two of a husband and wife who God has made one in flesh and spirit.

So what you need to understand as a man is that there are some requests that you will make of God that will remain on the pending tray of heaven until your wife co-signs and agrees with you on that request. No wonder Paul says that a man needs to treat his wife with respect and be considerate as he lives with her so that nothing will hinder his prayers. There are some prayers you will utter as a man that will not go beyond the mouth with which you have uttered them because your wife is not in agreement with your prayer request.

So you see why I said that your wife might be the weaker one, she might be fragile but she is very important to the fulfillment of your destiny and you will go far when you treat her with love, respect and you are considerate with her as you live with her. Your wife is not allowed to correct you, in fact she is to reverence you and hold you in very high esteem. The measure of reverence she gives to God is what the Lord has demanded of her to give to you as her husband but she is also allowed to pray for you and believe me you need those prayers from her lips more than you know. I am not very vast with the Bible but I have read where God threatened not to pay attention to the prayers of a man, but I am yet to come across where God threatened not to pay attention to the prayers of the wife (I am not saying it does not exist, just that I have not found it yet). So if your wife is not in sin, she is sure that her prayers will receive attention from God.

For the wife reading this, you are more important in the life of your husband than you can ever imagine. You are the salt in his life that gives it a whole new state of sweetness. Don’t ever feel that you can’t make an impact in the life of your husband just because you are not allowed to correct him when he is wrong. The effect of your prayers far outweighs the correction with words. Prayer does more in correcting than open rebuke. You sure don’t know the magnitude of what you are capable of achieving through God in prayers. Put prayers to work and rest your case in God you will have the last laugh and enjoy peace in your marriage.

May the Lord bless our homes.   

Communicate But Not Rebuke

I really appreciate the responses I got from my last post and one of those responses prompted my post today. And so I will share the response I got and then give a comment on it. I hope to bless someone with this in Jesus name.

Ummmmmm! I don’t know, I have some trepidation about this article. Surely, a woman hath to be able to correct her husband, upon seeing his decision is incorrect. Now the manner in which the correction is made, that is a whole different matter. I don’t think that being submissive to one’s husband exclude correction if there is correction to be made. After all she is his helpmate. Being helpmate involves more than taking care of the children, household chores, waiting on one’s husband hands and feet. One hath to be able to have an input in the decisions that are made, but the husband, the last say. Now if after you have addressed the mistake that he has made or about to make, whether purposely or not, and he makes no attempt to adjust, that is when the helpmate goes to the Lord. In case of Michal, pride was her downfall and we know that pride comes with baggages, one being jealousy! Just my view. God bless you always.

My Comment

I appreciate constructive responses such as this, because just like this one, it’s give us more reason to discuss and something meaningful to have a discussion on.

The first thing I want us to understand as Christian wives is that God did not place you in the life of your husband as a zombie or a robot; you have a functioning brain so that it might be used constructively. And your assignment in the life of your husband and your marriage is to add value to the life of that man who is your husband in order that he might be a better person than he was before the Lord placed you in his life.

With that said, you should understand that you have ideas and opinions for a reason. Abigail the Bible said was an intelligent wife (1 Samuel 25:3) and that was for a reason; your intelligence as a wife serves a purpose. The fact that you cannot correct your husband does not mean you cannot communicate with him, but there is a big difference between communication and rebuking or correcting your husband. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones,” when you apply this in your marriage you are communicating with your husband. When you apply the method of pleasant words that are like honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones, you can be sure that your opinions will count and communication will take place effectively.

But the dictionary defines rebuke as “to express sharp, stern disapproval of; reprove; reprimand,” and the dictionary also defines correction as "punishment intended to reform, improve, or rehabilitate; chastisement; reproof." With these definitions of correction and rebuke, which of them do you think falls within the role of a wife to her husband? As a matter of fact it is not proper for a wife to speak rudely to her husband. So with this, you will agree with me that communication and correction are two different things all together and the wife can communicate with her husband; call his attention to an error in judgment he might be making (and doing so politely), but never rebuke or chastise her husband. That is way beyond her scope of assignment. If you correct your husband by politely pointing out his errors to him, that can be acceptable. But when this goes beyond politely pointing out errors to rebuking then you are stepping out of your boundary lines. It is not in your place as wife to lord anything over your husband and you cannot force your views on him. Pray and communicate and let God handle the rest. 

Another misconception we have as women is that we have reframed the phrase help meet to help mate. A help meet is a suitable or a fitting help; so to say that it is a help that meets the purpose for which it is required. While a help mate is that both of you are on equal standing helping each other; so to say that you are mates and you are helping each other.

I have searched the KJV, NIV, NKJV, NLT versions of the Bible and I have not come across a place where God says He will make a help mate for the man. What I have seen in Genesis 2:18 is God saying He will make a help meet, a suitable helper, a helper who is just right, a complementary helper for the man. So a wife is a helper who meets the needs in the life of her husband. But the wife and her husband are not equal or mates in marriage. Ephesians 5:23 says the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church and 1 Corinthians 11:3 reads, “Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man and the head of Christ is God". So we need to know that the head of the wife/woman is her husband/man, so it is out of place for a woman to attempt to rebuke or chastise her head.

And lastly, I believe it is safer to pray about an issue before taking action. When you pray, the Lord directs you on what to do and then prepares the situation to respond favorably to whatever action you will take. But when you act first and things get out of hand before praying it will be like one taking medication after death. I agree that there is no situation that God can’t handle; He can bring back to life from the grave, but you would have tasted a grave which could have been avoided if you had prayed before acting.

I decided to share this response because I am positive that it makes a good line of discussion and a lot of lessons are available to learn from it. And I pray that lives have been blessed to the glory of God. Amen    

Are Wives Allowed to Correct their Husbands?

Hello beautiful people, I trust we are all doing great to the glory of God. I feel blessed to be alive today and more importantly to be alive to serve the living God. I pray that in Jesus name, the Lord will use me to make an impact in the life and marriage of someone today to the glory and praise of His name alone.

As I was praying and trusting God on what to share today, this question came to mind and this I believe is what the Lord will want us to address in today post. The question is: “Are wives allowed to rebuke their husbands when such a husband is obviously doing something wrong?” This has been a major issue in marriage when wives think they can correct their husbands if and when necessary; and so we will be doing some Bible digging to see if that is allowed in marriage.

Genesis 12:11-13

As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, “I know what a beautiful women you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, “This is his wife. ‘Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you.’”

Genesis 20:11-13

Abraham replied, “I said to myself, ‘There is surely no fear of God in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife.’ Besides, she really is my sister, the daughter of my father though not of my mother; and she became my wife. And when God caused me to wander from my father’s household, I said to her, ‘This is how you can show your love to me: Everywhere we go, say of me, “He is my brother.”’”

1 Samuel 25:14-19

One of the servants told Nabal’s wife Abigail: “David sent messengers from the desert to give our master his greetings, but he hurled insults at them. Yet these men were very good to us. They did not ill-treat us, and the whole time we were out in the fields near them nothing was missing. Night and day they were a wall around us all the time we were herding our sheep near them. Now think it over and see what you can do, because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole household. He is such a wicked man that no-one can talk to him.”

Abigail lost no time. She took two hundred loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five dressed sheep, five seahs of roasted grains, a hundred cakes of raisins and two hundred cakes of pressed figs, and loaded them on donkeys. Then she told her servants, “Go on ahead; I will follow you.” But she did not tell her husband Nabal.

2 Samuel 6:20, 23

When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls and his servants as any vulgar fellow would.”

And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.

These are scriptures in the Bible where I find the answer to our question addressed or should I say reflecting. And from my own interpretation of these Bible passages what I can conclude is that it’s not in the place of a wife to correct her husband where he is wrong or right. This might not sound pleasant to a lot of people but it is the truth of the word of God. Ephesians 5:22 says wives should submit (obey) to their husbands as to the Lord. So what God is invariably saying is that the kind of reverence and obedience you give to Him as God, same you should give to your husband. So if you cannot correct God when you think His pattern is not what you think it should be, then in same manner, you cannot correct your husband when you think his pattern is not what you think it should be.

A lot of disagreements, violence, discords, chaos in marriage would be averted when you as a wife understand and appreciate that you cannot correct your husband when you think he is not doing it right. That is beyond your scope of engagement as his wife. It is beyond your God given assignment as his wife. It is a no go area for you. You cannot change your husband, so don’t bother trying. You are not God, so don’t try playing one in his life.

So if I have said that a wife cannot correct her husband when he is treading on a wrong path, what can she then do to put him back on the right path as his suitable helper? Well all you can do is to run back to His maker and your Maker and the God who placed you in his life as a suitable helper to report the situation to Him and let Him handle it. Proverbs 21:1 says, “The king’s heart is in the hands of the Lord; He directs it like a watercourse wherever He pleases.” That king includes your husband. Once you call God’s attention to the situation, He swings into action and makes amend where and when necessary in the life of your husband.

You can also do what intelligent Abigal, the wife of mean and surly Nabal did. When she heard of the blunder her husband had committed, she never even challenged him; she didn’t even talk to him about what she had heard. The Bible said she lost no time in correcting the gaffe herself without even letting her husband know. She swiftly right her husband’s wrong and that settled it. All these simple acts of wisdom never passes God, because that same Abigail became the wife of David after the death of her mean and surly husband Nabal.

Then Sarah the mother of all godly women simply obeyed her husband’s foolishness without a challenge. That to a lot of women is the height of foolish submission, but in truth that is godly wisdom put in display. Sarah understood that obedience to her husband meant obedience to God. And this foolish wisdom didn’t go unnoticed or unrewarded by God. Sarah remained a beautiful woman till her death and at the age of 90years, she had her covenant with God fulfilled.

You would want to ask me if it’s okay to see your husband do something wrong and just not say a word to dissuade him or try putting him in the right path. Well wisdom they say is profitable in all things; if your husband’s mistake is a genuine oversight on his part, there is no sin in pointing out his mistake to him or calling his attention to his error politely and with well chosen soothing words. Also when your husband is about to take a decision and he requests for your input or advice on the matter, there is no sin in giving him your candid opinion in a loving manner even when your own opinion contradicts his views. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones,” invest a lot of this in your marriage and you will reap the harvest of peace, love and joy.

But when you know the husband you have married not to be one who welcomes advice from you, then my word for you is to pray for him when you think he is taking a wrong step or you want a character trait in his life changed. Never try to play God in your husband’s life, just pray for him that the Lord will fill him up with His Spirit that will always lead your husband to act in accordance with the will of God for his life. You prayer goes a long way, far more than you can imagine.

Michal tried to correct her husband David based on her own judgment of what she thinks should be right for him. First her method of rebuke was very wrong and then her purpose of rebuke was also not called for. But can one really blame her; she rebuked based on what she thought should be, and that rebuke led to her being barren till she died. David her husband chastised her in words, and then God crowned her punishment with barrenness. So as a wife, never jump into conclusions on what you think should be right or wrong, you don’t have the monopoly of knowledge, we are all continuously learning. What is wrong is your own view might be permissible by God, so just pray and let God handle things in a manner He alone can.

May the Lord bless our homes. 

Where Did I Go Wrong

Hello beautiful people of God, I trust we had a very restful weekend, and I pray that we will have a prosperously blessed week to the glory of God alone in Jesus name.

Today’s blog will be another gist day, and I will be sharing a story again that I believe by the grace of God will bless your lives and marriages.

Issue

I had a fiancé who we had both agreed to marry. We loved each other so much that we appeared a perfect fit. We understood each other well and for me life could not be better. Then we began our wedding plans and problem started. His parents objected to our union on the grounds that my family were not on the same social class with them. They stated that they had arranged a wife for their son from among the daughters of their friends and nothing would change that.

My fiancé stood by me and stood his grounds against his parents but the pressure didn’t stop and soon there was a rift between him and his entire family because of me. After a while he came to plead with me to understand his position and allow him marry the girl his parents had picked for him, and marry me also as a second wife.

In the course of time I became pregnant and my fiancé rented an apartment for me and the unborn baby and took care of us very well. We lacked nothing at all. Not too long after that, my fiancé got married to the lady his parents picked out for him, but that didn’t change his feelings and attention for me and his unborn baby.

Months later I had a baby for him and still nothing changed, but I began to feel used. I began to feel like a second fiddle in his life. The thought that he would have to leave me to go home to be with another woman was a thought I couldn’t cope with and I began to think of calling it quite with the relationship.

My fiancé was beginning to start the wedding plans with me also when I decided to end the madness and end the relationship. I thought that was at least the most honorable thing to do, more so that I could not earn the approval of his family. I didn’t want to be seen and one who pulls family members apart. My fiancé felt I was being stupid and that after hanging on for so long, why I would want to quite just when we were about to seal our love. He begged me and pleaded with me, but that was not the happy ending I had wished for. When he could not talk me out of my decision to end the relationship, he let me have my way with a promise to ensure he pays the bills for his son and be responsible for his child's upkeep.

I eventually got married to another man and that was the beginning of my nightmare marriage. My husband is a far cry from my ex-fiancé. He is not caring and he is violent. I have become a punching bag to him and sincerely I don’t know what I have done to deserve a life like this one.

Response

In as much as I would say that you must have gone through a huge heartbreak, you never mentioned praying through these problems and asking for God’s intervention and direction. You have tried to solve your problems with your limited ability and that ability isn’t guaranteed to solve these problems. So first of all, I will encourage you to invite God into this situation. There is no time too late to invite God into any situation and have Him make the big and positive difference that only He can make.

On the issue of your former fiancé, I will say that what is past is past and its important to let it remain in the past. Any attempt to rejuvenate that affair amounts to a great sin before the Lord. Doing that means committing adultery and it is a sin.

The only godly option you have is to work with and on your marriage and make it work. I have always advised that what you sow in your marriage determines what you reap from it. In order for your marriage to yield positive fruits for you, then you need to sow positive values in it.

The fact that your ex-fiancé pampered you when you were with him does not translate to the fact that your husband now has to pamper you. As a matter of fact marriage is hard work that yields positive result and have loads of reward attached to it, but its never a bed of roses from the onset.

You can bring the best out of your husband by being prayerfully submissive to him. Pray for him always and obey him. If you desire any change in your husband then you can only pray that change to effect, but you cannot force it out. You can’t change your husband; only God can. And for you to have God work for you, you need to follow His instructions and obey His rules for your life and marriage.

A relationship with God is all you need to have a wonderful marital life. When you have Jesus in your life and His words reside in you then you can ask Him for anything and be confident that He will do it for you and that includes a wonderful marital life with your husband.

You should not hate your husband, and believe me; you don’t have any basis of comparing him with your former fiancé. This will just compound your problems and lead you to nowhere.  A divorce will also not solve your problem because there are better options for you that will yield better results.

I pray the Lord gives you rest on all sides in Jesus name.