Helping Each Other Grow

14/6/2017

On bended knees, I apologize for another long break in posting something for you to read and learn from. But I feel your prayers and with me rounding up with what I have to do, I pray that I will be able to give myself wholly to reaching out to you again.

My pastor preached a message about two Sundays ago in church and what really ministered to me in that message was in the theme Bible passage that he preached on.

Ephesians 4:14-16 (NLT)

 Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.  

This Bible passage cannot be more fitting for today’s marriage world and just as my pastor was preaching and making continual reference to this passage the one thing that kept coming to my mind was today’s marriage.

Quite a number of times I have noticed that speaking to women on marriage issues, the first thing that comes as a response is that if the women have to do so much in and for their marriages, what do the men have to contribute in and for their marriages. It always appear that the women have to do it all. And the men have concluded that women are the most difficult and complicated living creature to live with. And each time I hear or read stuff like this, my heart bleeds.

Every day the women claim they feel deprived in the world, they want equality with the men and they have practically left their own special work undone while preying into what the man should do and how the man and woman were created equal and should be regarded as such. And the men have become laid back. They have told themselves that women are so difficult and so should just be abandoned. You hear things like “if you show her love there is a problem, if you don’t show her love there is also a problem. So just let go and enjoy your life.” So a man would leave the wife that God has asked him to love and care for and spends more time with his friends in the name of hang outs. So the man has also left his special work undone.

Every time you hear vocal women encourage other women not to let themselves get repressed by the men. They push for gender equality. They tell the woman she is to be respected and all these they do in the name of helping the woman build her self esteem and have a voice and a say in the scheme of things. And so they pumped up the women folk. These pumped up women go home and begin to act strange and start to demand respect and claim equality with their husbands. Sooner than later their marriages are in trouble. In no time the once peaceful home is heading for a divorce in the name of irreconcilable differences. Every day the numbers of failed marriages are growing at an alarming rate.

These so called women encouragers are those Paul says we should be weary of; their message is so clever that they sound like the truth, but they are pack of lies. They are sweet to the ears but have its destroying effects on the heart. When you hear messages like this, try measure them with the truth of the Bible. If God says a wife should submit to her husband as unto God, that alone should let you know that the wife and husband are not equal in the hierarchy of the home. Anybody attempting to teach you equality between the husband and the wife is sowing a seed of destruction in your home. Such a person should not be entertained.
If a woman is claiming equality with another man outside of the marriage setting I might not condemn that; if the man you say you are equal to irrespective of gender is not your husband, then its okay. But this doctrine should not be introduced into the marriage setting. When it comes to the marriage, the husband is the head over his wife as Christ is the head over the husband (Ephesians 5:22-23, 1 Corinthians 11:3). In marriage and in the home, the husband and wife are not equal. The husband is the head of the wife. 

One important truth about marriage that is taught in the theme scripture for this is post is that when you do your own special work in your marriage, you help your spouse to grow. The more you improve on yourself in doing your own special work in that marriage the more you lift your spouse up to grow and own up to his/her own special work and with diligence at work your marriage is healthy, growing and full of love. You do not need to bother much about the performance of your spouse in doing his/her special work, but the more you get yourself better in doing your own special work the more you make room for growth even in the life of your spouse and the more you create an enabling environment for your spouse to do his/her special work too. No wonder Peter said in 1 Peter 3 that a woman will win her unbelieving husband to the Lord through the purity and reverence of her life shinning through her submission to her husband. 

A husband whose wife is yet to be the ideal wife he wants her to be, can only help his wife to grow into what he wants her to be by loving her unconditionally like Christ loves the church. The more he loves his wife the more he helps her grow. And when he loves and keeps loving, it will get to a point the Lord will touch her heart and create in her the will she needs to want to reciprocate the love her husband is showering on her which in turn makes her want to do only those things that are pleasing to her loving husband. In no time the marriage has grown and the home is full of love.

In the same manner, a wife who wants to bring out the good in her husband would do so effectively by submitting to him as unto the Lord. The more you submit to your husband, the more you please him; and the more you please your husband, the more he loves you. In no time you would have drawn out the love of your husband for you. You would have earned his love and helped him to grow. The more your husband loves you, the more he cares for you and pours generously into your life. The more he pours into your life the more God pours into his own life too.

This is God’s way of bringing about positive changes in the lives of His people. For marriage to thrive, those in it should be totally selfless, patient and willing to help the other grow. The more of your special work that you do diligently, the more growth you bring about in the life of your spouse and the more your marriage grows and then the more your home is filled with love. 

Think about it.  

The Tiny Spark

It’s no gain saying that many people have entered into grievous trouble simply by the words of their mouth and in the same manner, quite a number of people have received huge favors for their lives simply by the fruit of their mouth. A man looking for a job will either get employed or turned down by the product of his mouth. What he says at the job interview before the panel will determine whether he gets the job or not. In the same manner, the life and death of a marriage is closely tied to the product of our mouths. There are a lot of times that a spouse will be going through domestic violence in marriage not as a result of physical abuse, but as a result of emotional abuse resulting from the product of the mouth. As a matter of fact a lot of physical abuse in marriage originated from verbal abuse which also is the product of the mouth and so the Bible says that the power of life and death is in the tongue and those who love it will eat its fruit (Proverbs 18:21).

Proverbs 16:24

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Proverbs 18:6, 7

A fool’s lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating.

A fool’s mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul.

Proverbs 18:21

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat it’s fruit.

James3:2, 5-6, 9-10

We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body.

Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.

If I don’t write anything more asides these Bible passages, I am sure the message would have been passed, but so that we really appreciate the impact of our tongue on the outcome of our marriages I will try to put in some explanation.

Marriage is like a venture that you invest in, what you put into it, is what you get out of it in multiple folds whether you are the husband or the wife. Now we are learning from Proverbs 16:24 that pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones; the more you want to harvest the fruits of pleasant words from your marriage, the more you invest pleasant words into that marriage. But you will only be on a mission of self deceit if you believe that when you invest cruel words in your marriage, pleasant words will come back to you. Do not be fooled.

Then another angle to look at this issue from is that when fire is burning, it is put off with water. Fire is hot and water is cold. For a man who wants to do the will of God and succeed, you don’t repay cruelty or cruel words with another cruel word or cruel action. Rather than such a marriage to thrive, it burns out and dies. When your spouse hits you with cruel words and you respond with pleasant word, you get a pleasant reward from God for the wisdom you have applied while your spouse gets a reward fitting for his/her cruel words from God Who is a constant witness and judge over your marriage. The continuous pour of your own pleasant words into that marriage erodes the cruel words of your spouse and soon you see in him/her a changed person whose cruelty has been killed by your kindness and love and he/she also learns to speak pleasantly. Your pleasant words will then be yielding for you pleasant words even from your spouse.

The volume of water you require to quench a fire depends on the magnitude of the fire. Small fire would require small amount of water and huge fire would require large volumes of water. So the pleasant words you require to quench the cruelty of words from your spouse depends on how cruel he/she is. The more the cruelty, the more the pleasant words that should come from you to him/her. Don’t wait for your spouse to tender an apology; you, who know to seek the peace and prosperity of your home and marriage should work for it more. Over time, the apologies will come pouring in.

Then one thing we need to understand is that what we say with our mouths, good or bad, carry a lot of weight. Remember the power of life and death is in the tongue. What you confess with your mouth over the life of your spouse will find a means of manifestation in his/her life. You cannot call your spouse a fool and still expect him/her to act wisely. If you have called him/her a fool then you should expect only foolish acts from him/her. Even if he/she will act wisely to everyone else, when it comes to you, he will be a fool because that is what you have called him/her. In the same manner, if you call your spouse lazy, wicked, mean, these words will always find a means to manifest and so it is important that we are guide the words of our mouth in marriage. When your spouse is not fulfilling his/her responsibility in marriage, pray for such a spouse. Hand him/her over to God who is able to do in the life your spouse what you or your negative out-pour over his/her life can do. And with faith in God, it won't be long before you start to see the changes you desire manifest in the life of your spouse with God at work and with your cooperation intact. 

When you bless your spouse with the words that you speak to him/her and over his/her life, you will see blessings manifest in his/her life and indeed you will be a part-taker of that same blessing because you and your spouse are one in flesh and spirit before God. And in the same manner when all that comes out of your mouth to your spouse are curses, you will also part-take of the curse because you and your spouse are one in flesh and spirit before God.

The Bible says we are allowed to be angry, but in our anger we should avoid sin. The tongue has the power of life and death and those who love it eat its fruit. What fruits are you eating from the produce of your tongue? Are they sweet fruits like the honeycomb, or bitter/soar fruits? Whatever it is, you need to know that what you put in is what comes out for you. You can build your marriage on the foundation of pleasant and encouraging words, and you can kill it and pull it down by cruel and cursed words. If you want sweetness, sow sweetness, beginning with pleasant words.  

It's important that you get this book brought to you in very good shape, and so the link to the book has been withdrawn just to dot some Is and cross some Ts. But by the grace of God we are still working. And "The Marriage Handbook" is truly worth waiting for.  

Very Little to Complain About in Your Marriage

Yes we spoke about the need to focus on unity in our marriage far above any reason to be apart in that marriage in my last post. No wonder God made the man and his wife one in flesh and in spirit, Although in our own sight and limited understanding, the man and his wife are two separate individuals, but before God they are one. The one people as the Lord has made them are a force above any challenge that might come their way. They are a unified force against any impossibility in their lives, both collectively and individually. These one people are a people with whom no impossibility is found. As a unit, nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.

Like I mentioned in my last post, in order to attain that unity, sacrifices need to be made and so I encouraged the wives that no matter what justifiable reason/s they may have to look down on their husbands and disregard him as head over their lives, there is the need to focus on the unity of their marriage which is an antidote to impossibilities in their lives. And in order to encourage and work for the unity of their marriage, they need to offer the sacrifice of submission. So despite it all, please submit to your husband as to the Lord so that you will build the unity of your home and marriage and with two speaking as one, nothing you plan to do will be impossible for you.

But it’s not only the wives who need to work for the unity of their marriage; the husbands too have a huge role to play. Remember two are better than one is what the Bible says. As a man who wants to war against the impossibilities of your life, the first place to start to fight that war is within you. And the first war to wage is against anything that will prevent you from loving your wife the way Christ loves the church.

While the wife is required to offer the sacrifice of submission in order to encourage and develop the unity of her marriage, the husband is required to offer the sacrifice of love in order to develop unity in his marriage and when unity is firmly secured, impossibility is firmly ejected and driven out of your life and that of your wife.

This is what a husband is required to do; he is to love his wife to submission. I often encourage the wives to dig out the love in their husbands and they need to dig out that love for their own use and enjoyment. And if someone has stolen your husband’s love, please run and take it back; not with force of fist, but with submission, reverence and purity. But in just the same strength a man needs to love his wife to the point of her reverencing him like she would Christ Jesus. You need to love your wife sacrificially to the point where you become the number one person in her mind, thoughts and on her scale of preference and priority in life.

This is one testimony I hope will encourage a couple who reads this. When I was going have my last baby, my husband insisted on me having this baby through a Caesarian Section because he thought due to my age, I might not be able to handle the pains of labor. This was not the doctor's recommendation, just my husband's call. It was going to cost him a fortune in hospital bill but he was willing to spend the money for my safety. I agreed to his instruction and together with our doctor, we fixed a date for the baby to be born. When my baby was about to be brought out of me, the doctor said it was just so good and timely that we opted for the C-section cause our baby had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck which could have killed him. I didn’t appreciate the gravity of what the doctor said three years ago until about two hours ago when I spoke to my neighbor whose daughter lost a seven month old pregnancy. When I asked what caused the seven month miscarriage, I was told that the baby had his umbilical cord wrapped round his neck and choked to death. It was painful to hear, but I learnt a lesson there and same I want to share. I saw the power of unity saving my son. I saw the sacrificial love my husband had for me save me from still birth, I saw my own submission to the will of my husband deliver my cute son from the hands of possible death.

I do not mean to say that lack of unity caused the death of my neighbor’s grandson. But I am saying that unity, love and submission and the power of God over my life and my family delivered my own baby from the hands of death three years ago.  

You just might not understand how much God can go with your submission and love in marriage. When you work for the unity of your marriage there is a firm bond between the two of you that impossibility is not capable of breaking and God honors this bond. God respects this bond and when this bond approaches God for anything it is done for them. This is the bond that makes marriages sweet and pleasurable. Prayerfully seek this bond and you will have very much less to complain about in your marriage.

I am so very excited now, and I am just full of praises to God. And finally the book "The Marriage Handbook" can be purchased online from Createspace.com via this click. It would be life on Amazon in a couple of days and I am still working hard for other channels to come life too. So in a couple of days we will have this book life on other online stores locally and internationally. 

This is a 565pages book and you need it in your collection. You will be blessed to own a copy, more blessed to give a copy to someone who needs it. It's rich, it's effective and it's godly. 

If the click isn't working for you, you can copy this address on your browser https://www.createspace.com/7205203. 

Remain forever blessed. 

When Submission is Hard

I have spoken to quite a number of women on this submission issue, and a lot of private responses that I get from my blog messages always takes this form: a lot of women don’t have a problem doing their husband’s laundry, tacking a loose or fallen button on his shirt, making sure he gets good meals and so on, but the idea of obeying their husbands and just following his instructions like a brainless chicken embarking on a task of “follow the leader” is the aspect of this marriage issue that is huge and appears undoable. It’s then gets worse when this husband is not a loving and caring husband (you know that kind of Nabal husband in 1 Samuel 25). For some it’s difficult when the husband is not the one bringing the money and someone now tells you to go work so hard to hand it over to a husband who absolutely does nothing to be the man that he should be for him to spend your own money as he wishes and hands you stipends just because he is your husband and head over your life. Sincerely you don’t have to complain, even God knows and I know that it is tough.  

In some other cases, we have husbands who have not by any chance earned their wives’ respect. We have such husbands who have collected money from their wives with the intention of paying house rents or children’s school fees, only for the wife to discover that such monies where not paid and same not returned to her and the husband does not have any explanation for not paying or returning the money back. So a wife who has decided to cover the shame of her husband by fulfilling his responsibilities for him and then not wanting the world to know she is the breadwinner decides to channel those payments through her husband so it looks like he is the one making the payment but the husband does not make the payment, but uses these monies for something else. Submitting to such a husband as this is really huge and I cannot tell you otherwise.

In all of these scenarios that I just presented to you, there is a big need to work for the unity of that union. The Bible says two are better than one because they have good returns for their labor (Ecclesiastes 4:9), and then Jesus said in Matthew 18:19 that “if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by our Father in heaven.” So that tells me there is something about the force of unity in marriage that far outweighs all of the reasons we may have to work against the unity of that marriage.

Again we see God talk about unity in Genesis 11:6 as an antidote to impossibility. So if unity is an antidote to impossibility as seen in Genesis 11:6, won’t you agree with me that unity of our marriage which is the smallest unit we can have, is actually an antidote to impossibility in our lives and then it should be a focus for us in marriage. If unity and prayers combined together have the capabilities of breaking barriers of impossibility in our lives, then just for the sake of the benefits derived from unity, we should pursue it with every effort that we can.

Jesus said in Matthew 7:7 that “ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you,” and then Jesus also said in Matthew 18:19 that “if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask, it will be done for you by our Father in heaven,” this should give us a clearer understanding that unity and prayer is actually what we need for a successful life on earth. When as a child of God, you and your spouse are united and then in unity make any request from God, it will be done for you. So for those in Christ, unity and prayers form an antidote to impossibilities in life.

Then you will wonder the relationship between submission (especially in impossible scenarios as I have discussed earlier) and unity and prayers in marriage. Well as wives, submission is the sacrifice you have to make in order to promote the unity of your marriage that happens to be an antidote to impossibility in your life.

It then gets more rewarding when you have to submit in very challenging situations as I have described above. The devil who is obviously not interested in your prosperity will work tirelessly against the unity of your marriage and will present to you all the justifiable reasons not to submit to your husband and then there is the breakdown of the unity in your marriage and the invitation of impossibility in your life.

There is no achievement that you have made and can make alone that can surpass that which you are capable of making and achieving as two (you and your spouse), because the word of God says two are better than one and the word of God cannot lie. So look around you now and know that what you see and perceive as achievement can actually be better with unity than what you can or have achieved alone. And when it does not look good at all, know that things can actually get better with unity. 

So despite what your husband has done or didn’t do, the important focus for you is to work over or through the hurt and work for the unity of your marriage. Yes, you have every reason to be resentful, but is that resentfulness worth the cost of the unity of your marriage and the struggles of impossibility in your life? Think about it.

So we are getting closer to the release of "The Marriage Handbook." It's about three years of dropping a message for you on this blog put together in one piece of material. If there is a message that has ministered to you so well and you want to go over it again and again, then you can always just have this book handy with you at all times. Ideal for a gift for someone needing it and a very good counselling material too. It's the word of God put to effect in our marriages. 

The Gains of Submission

I am so sorry for the break in delivery, the major reason for that is the book presented at the end of this post. It has kept me preoccupied for a while now and even though I am still on it I decided not to keep mute for too long.

Today I want to write something about the gains of submission. It’s more about my personal life experience in marriage and why I so much believe in the possibility of a troubled marriage getting better without a divorce and the truth about the possibility of having a violent free marriage. When the Bible spoke of Jesus in Hebrews 5:8 that “although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him,” God sure knew what He was talking about. For me to be a vessel in the hands of God in delivering marriage post to you as I do, I will tell you with all humility that in marriage I learned obedience the very hard way. Quite a number of people always tell me that it’s easy to write all these but the practical aspect is tough and I totally agree with them.
For God to use me to do what He is currently using me to write, He had watched me burn, He watched me burn off those things that were not useful for my assignment and He helped me heal and now I am happy, full of joy and gratitude and I have a very wonderful husband who loves me sacrificially like Jesus does. But I didn’t get here by chance, it was hard work, it was tough to the point that I contemplated suicide more than once. It was so tough that I asked God many questions and would spend hours crying alone. But I didn’t change husband, I didn’t commit suicide and I didn’t give up even though I wanted to, almost every hour for close to seven years of marriage. And now I am like a mother who has totally forgotten the pains of labor and birth just because of the beauty that God has made of my life.

When I got married I was earning like 10times what my husband was earning as income. I was the breadwinner of my marriage and because I was thought to respect my husband, I never allowed the money that I was making get into my head. I honored my husband all the same and whatever I made was our money and I allowed him the control of how the money was spent. I didn’t query his spendings and didn’t complain when he spent money in a way I didn’t approve of.

About 15months into our marriage, I lost my job and that was the beginning of my issue in marriage. I had to now depend on my husband for the things we needed in the house. When I lost my job, I didn’t have any savings but my payoff package was a sizeable amount of money at that time to start a trade with (12years ago). My husband requested for half my payoff package to purchase a landed property with and even though I didn’t like the idea, I had to let go of the money as the issue was beginning to cause arguments between us.

To try summarize my gist, the next six years after I lost my job was a living hell for me. I had three children that I had to take care of, my husband wasn’t there for us, I had no job and no one to run to for help and I had a huge debt hanging on my head with no means of paying back. With the downturn of my marriage was the downturn of my financial life. My husband was only making stipends available for me and the children and off he went. I was left alone to worry myself to death.

But in the midst of all these I ran to Jesus and the first thing I kept praying for was death. I couldn’t hold things together anymore. I had grown to love God and so I felt committing suicide wouldn’t get me to heaven but I was tired of living and I would always pray that God would take my life. But rather than God taking my life, He kept speaking to my heart to go and submit to my husband. I didn’t like the sound of it, but I had read the Bible well enough to know that that was the rule for me in my marriage. But this husband that God was talking about is the husband who does not care about me or our children. He was never there for us. He never bothered how I was doing. It was constant war in the house and nothing I did seemed good enough for him. All I saw in my husband’s eyes for me was disdain and hatred, even though I had shown him love and respect the best way I knew to and all my efforts where just like a huge waste.

So I told God that in truth I don’t know how else to handle my husband and I have submitted to him like I know how to, but if the Lord would say submit, then He would have to submit through me. That honest prayer of that day was the beginning of God remolding my life. Then I learnt to sit when my husband says sit and learnt to stand when he says stand. I learnt to do things exactly the way my husband says he wants them done irrespective of whether I felt it was the right way or not. It got so interesting that when I try to deviate from obeying, the Holy Spirit will point it to me that I was deviating from the course, and if I insist on my way, I always get to regret my action.

I must tell you that it was tough going through this process more so when I knew my husband was not born-again. So obeying a husband who is not born-again while I have been enjoying a wonderful time with God was a tough one. I always just wanted to shout and say this is all so wrong when I feel my husband isn't making sense, but the Spirit of God in me would just tell me to be quiet and do as I have been told. I had to carrying on like this for more than a year before I understood what God was putting me through.

I can’t tell whether my husband was noticing the change in me or that it was God working it out behind the scene, but one fateful day my husband walked up to me and knelt before me in our bedroom with tears in his eyes and he apologized for what he had put he through for the seven years of our marriage. I was numb, I didn’t know what to make out of his apology, why the apology or what to respond. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I wanted to ask him why he had been so unloving and uncaring to me and our children for so many years but the words couldn’t just come out.
Eventually when he begged that I say something I told to stand up and that I had forgiven him. He promised to make it up to me and he would live he remaining days of his life righting his wrongs. It’s over six years after that fateful day and he has not gone back on his words. And he has been spending every second of our marital life righting his wrongs. And I have not stopped submitting. The first time my husband told me he loved me after that apology, it felt very strange. I had to pinch myself to be sure I was hearing right. As a matter of fact I had to remind him that he was talking to me and he said he knew and today he tells me he loves me almost every day. Yes we still argue once in a while but we handle our arguments a lot better now and love rules for us.

The bigger beauty of my marriage story is that my husband began to get promoted as he had just gotten a new job just before the apology came. Today my husband is earning more than 10times what I was earning when I was the breadwinner and today I am still jobless. And he meets my needs and even wants. He takes care of the children to the point that I am beginning to worry that they are getting over pampered. The more my husband pours into our lives the more he gets replenished.

And then it occurred to me that the times belong to God. If I had been mean to my husband when I was the one earning the big money, he would be justified to be mean to me now that he earns the bigger money. And that is why I encourage a wife to be submissive in all things even with her income.

This is my story as Mrs. Aderinsola Obasa. And so you see why I am so passionate about marriage. I guess this is why God finds me an ideal vessel to carry on His message of hope for the marriage institution. If God can turn my own horrible situation into a glorious one, then He is available and ready and willing to touch as many marriages as are brought truly before Him for a positive change. If you don’t harden your heart to God, I will say with every confidence in Christ Jesus that you are the change that your marriage needs. God will heal your marriage through you.

So I am putting together all the blog posts on marriage from the year 2013 till February this year 2017 in one book titled “The Marriage Handbook.” I guess this is long overdue. You can always have this book as a personal guide for your marriage, a counseling material for Christian marriages, a gift for a friend needing it, or something to give to someone you know with marriage issues that you need to reach out to but you don’t know how to speak to them. This is a book with over 550pages as I am still counting and reading through all the posts in order to edit for typo errors has really been a huge blessing even to me.

Please pray for this book to reach the hands of those who truly need it. Please note that the blog will still remain live and posting on the blog will continue. As long as Blogger is remaining live. May the Lord bless the word of our hands.  

He is the Head, Let Him Take the Lead

Genesis 3:1-6

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat the fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat the fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden and you must not touch it or you will die.’ ”

“You will not surely die,” the serpent said to the woman. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God knowing good and evil.”

When the woman saw that the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.

There is this young lady was has been married for close to six years and who is quite close to me. She often comes to me for counsel. Until very recently she was a very miserable married woman. She carried the burden of her family all alone and financially handles all the needs of her home with little or no help from her husband. Any demand for money from her husband always met with a fight and the truth is that the husband is working and making money, so why he would not even bother about the upkeep of his family was something this young woman could not come to terms with.

They were always fighting and she confided in me a couple of times about her marital woes and I asked her to pray. Later on she told me that she had prayed and she was tired of praying because nothing changed. She was doing well in her trade but could not even see the money she was working for because she was spending more than she should. So I asked her to go on an experiment and come back to give me a feedback. And the experiment was submission.

Beginning from the time of our discussion I told her to always do exactly what her husband tells her to do. She should follow his instructions to the tiniest of detail and then pray. If her husband tells her to sit, she should sit; and if he tells her to stand that should be the exact thing she should do, stand. She told me that would be difficult because she was already resenting her husband in her heart. She was only staying married to him because she wanted to avoid the stigma of a broken marriage. We argued over this challenge for a couple of days and I eventually told her that if she can’t follow through with this task, then how can she obey the instructions of God? And if she is not obeying God how can God answer her prayers? Eventually I won the argument and she grudgingly agreed to do just as I have told her, just as a condition to satisfy me because of the respect she had for me and nothing else. Bottom-line we had a deal.

About 10days after we that our agreement, I visited her shop and noticed some minor renovations, so I asked how she managed to raise money to renovate the shop when she had been complaining that she had no money. Then she smiled and told me, “Aunty your trick worked.” I wondered what trick she was talking about and she said it was her husband who paid for the renovation of the shop. I paid more attention to her and she continued by telling me she had been doing what I told her to do and now her husband shows more concern for her and the children. And that he checked her up in her shop and complained about the state of the shop and she calmly told him that she had wanted to put some things in place in the shop but because she was not financially buoyant she could not see it through. So the husband decided to fix the shop for her the way she wanted it at his own expense. She opened up to me that if not that I had cautioned her, she would have responded rudely to her husband when he complained about the state of her shop.

We are about two months into our agreement now and each time she sees me, she thanks me saying she is enjoying a new peace in her home and her husband is taking up his responsibilities. He is now paying the children’s school fees and just leaves the minor expenses for her to handle while he attends to the big ones. She is pretty excited about her new discoveries in marriage and the new trick works as she playfully puts it.

Now going back to our theme passage, I want us to learn some valuable lessons from it; if only wife Eve had allowed husband Adam to actually take the lead in their home, I believe that the situation would have been a lot different. The error we make as women is that we always think we have it figured out most especially when we don’t understand and agree with the approach of our husbands.
Now Genesis 3 started with the description of the serpent, and it says, “The serpent was the most crafty of all the wild animals that the Lord God had created.” It was because the serpent was crafty that it decided the approach the all knowing wife rather than the husband.

The serpent understood that his chances at failure was higher if it approached Adam directly and so it went through the all knowing wife (who ordinarily would assume she was wise). Eve as a suitable helper to her husband would have allowed Adam take the lead by directing the serpent to her husband understanding that though she is aware of God’s instruction but it would have been better the serpent hears it from her husband whom the Lord gave His instructions to directly. I bet you if she had done that, the serpent would not have the courage to approach Adam.

Quite a number of times the wives have been the ignorant avenue with which the enemy infiltrates marriage simply because she thinks she is just as in charge of the situation as her husband and so she can just take up the challenge as much as her husband can. And what resulted in the case of Adam and Eve is most likely sure to be the end result of such a situation.

As a wife you need to always let your husband be the head and place him in his leadership position. Understand that you are a helper and not the head. No matter how timid your husband may appear he is still the head and you should let him remain the head. When there are issues that need to be tackled, submit them on the in-tray of your husband’s table and don’t speak or do anything until your husband had spoken and taken the lead, then you follow in the direction of his lead. When you think he might be wrong rather than overrule his leadership, pray for him that God will take the wheel from him and sail the boat Himself. And that your husband will not acted based on his own will or understanding but he will act based on the instructions and will of God. When you have prayed relax knowing that whatever direction your husband takes is the will of God and you follow in the same direction. When you adopt this approach so many conflicts will be avoided; external interference will be settled or done away with, without any involvement from you.

The young lady that I shared her story earlier, learned to let her husband take the lead position in her marriage and she is not complaining anymore. Nobody would have blamed Eve for bringing sin into the world if only she had allowed her husband take the lead in the situation she found herself in; even if sin would come into the world, it would not be through Eve.

As a wife, thing deep about this; you will save yourself a whole lot of trouble if you let you husband take the lead in the family. Joy and peace of mind will be yours if you don’t have to add the responsibilities of your husband with yours. Understand your job role as a wife and just operate within your own scope of engagement.

May the Lord bless our homes. 

You asked for it, now it's coming soon. "The Marriage Handbook" is a compilation of all the blog post on marriage issues shared on this blog; well edited and dated for your keeps. So you don't have to rely on the blog archive any longer. You can have a detailed dated compilation of all the posts offline in hard copy, in you library for referral, as a gift to a friend needing it and even for counselling. It's worth having and it will be delivered to you soon. 

The Cry of Sarah

Genesis 15:2-4

But Abram said, “O Sovereign Lord, what can you give me since I remain childless and the one who will inherit my estate is Eliezer of Damascus?” And Abram said, “You have given me no children; so a servant in my household will be my heir.”

Then the word of the Lord came to him: “This man will not be your heir, but a son coming from your own body will be your heir.”

Genesis 16:1-2

Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar; so she said to Abram, “The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her.”

Abram agreed to what Sarai said.

Genesis 17:1, 15-21

When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the Lord appeared to him and said, “I am God Almighty; walk before me and be blameless.”

God also said to Abraham, “As for Sarai your wife, you are no longer to call her Sarai; her name will be Sarah. I will bless her and will surely give you a son by her. I will bless her so that she will be the mother of many nations; kings of peoples will come from her.”

Abraham fell face down; he laughed and said to himself, “Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety? And Abraham said to God, “If only Ishmael might live under your blessing?

Then God said, “Yes, but your wife Sarah will bear you a son, and you will call him Isaac. I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his descendants after him. As for Ishmael, I have heard you: I will surely bless him; I will make him fruitful and will greatly increase his numbers. He will be the father of twelve rulers, and I will make him into a great nation. But my covenant I will establish with Isaac, whom Sarah will bear to you by this time next year.”

I know I have shared something in this line before, but permit me to discuss it again. The first scripture shared above gives us insight into how Abram approached God in his request for a child. In Genesis 25:12 we read that Isaac prayed to God on behalf of his wife because she was barren and God answered. But Abram approached God because he didn’t have an heir to take over his estate. Now this is Abraham and Isaac asking God for the same thing with different approaches, and although both of them received answers to their requests, the time of manifestation was different. Immediately Isaac prayed God answered and his wife Rebekah became pregnant and we read that the babies jostled each other within her.

But with Abraham it was not so. He waited another 25years or so before the covenant child finally arrived at the age of 100years. So I am tempted to conclude that Abraham’s request was delayed because his approach was wrong; his wife Sarai was not included in his request before the Lord. Abraham prayed because he wanted an heir, but what about Sarai and the pain and agony of barrenness that she was going through? Shouldn’t that be a cause for concern for Abraham and shouldn't that be a thing worth praying to God for?

Now I am beginning to understand why Peter would say to the husbands that they should be considerate to their wives and treat them with respect as their weaker partner so that nothing will hinder their prayers (1 Peter 3:7). I am beginning to think that probably it was because of the fact that Abraham did not put in his wife into consideration when asking for a child from the Lord that the answer to his prayer was delayed.

So as a man, that big issue you are presenting to God for approval and delivery, do you have the concerns of your wife included in the request sheet. If not I will encourage you to withdraw the request and represent it with your wife’s concerns included in your presentation.

Another issue that made my heart bleed in the marriage story of Abraham and Sarah is found in Genesis 16. In that passage we read that Sarah on coming to terms with the fact that she could not give Abraham the child he longed for, she offered him her maidservant. My deep thought on this is that Sarah was mindful of Abraham’s feeling. She was beginning to feel the hit of not having a child for her husband; she realized how much a child meant to Abraham and how desperately he wanted one and so she put her own feelings on hold. She forgot herself and placed her husband’s feelings as a priority. She accepted the blame and took responsibility for the situation at hand (even though it was not her doing), and thought up a solution even though it was at the expense of her her own joy and peace in marriage. She had to give up her husband in exchange for a child just to make him happy.

And the Bible tells us that Abraham agreed. He agreed without even thinking of the effect that proposal would have on his marriage and the happiness of his wife who he was meant to love and protect. As far as Abraham was concerned, what Sarah felt or didn’t feel didn’t matter as long as that option would likely give him the child he wanted. And still Abraham was a man who loved and feared the Lord; so even men of God are not exempted from these flaws. The fact that you are a pastor in church does not translate to the fact that you love your wife and are considerate with her or treat her with respect.
But if you want speedy answers to those prayers of yours from God then make sure that you put your wife’s perceptive in view as you make your presentation to God. If God delayed Abraham’s prayers for this reason and didn’t excuse his ignorance, then be sure He won’t excuse yours too. And so we see God coming to issue a warning to Abraham in Genesis 17:1 and God said to Abraham, “I am God Almighty, walk before me and be blameless.”

But the Lord in His faithfulness would not allow faithful and selfless Sarah go to her grave barren. Abraham now had a son, so that request had been removed from the presence of God. But there remains the cry of Sarah, the submissive, faithful and selfless wife of Abraham and the stigmatization of barrenness that she carried on her as a woman and wife. And God visited again with a promise to give Abraham a child and this time through Sarah at a good old age of 100 and 90years respectively. And because Abraham now had a child, without much thought for who bore him the child, simple told God not to worry any longer and just bless the child he had from his wife's maidservant. And you wonder again if Abraham had it in mind that his wife was carrying on the stigma of barrenness or was it that he just didn’t care how or what she felt?

But Sarah had proved herself faithful, if Abraham didn’t see it, God saw it and knew that all her efforts must not go unrewarded. And so God brought about for Sarah what He alone could bring about in her life; she had a child for Abraham her husband at the age of 90. And Isaac was no ordinary child; he was the fulfillment of God’s covenant to Abraham and his descendants after him. At that time Sarah was loved again by her husband, her pride and dignity was restored and her joy multiplied and Isaac became a child that Abraham loved to the point of worship. And the true heir to all of Abraham’s estate was birth by the covenant, faithful and selfless wife Sarah.

If as a husband you have read this and thought that truly Abraham was not a model husband, then I want you to search yourself if in your marriage you are doing any better than Abraham did. What priority have you placed on your wife’s feelings and pains? What sacrifices has she made for you that you have allowed to go unnoticed and unappreciated? These are areas that could probably be eating up the peace of your marriage and home. When you sow the seed of happiness and joy in your wife, you can be sure that it will germinate and multiply for you in multiples of what you have sown.

For whatever sacrifices your wife makes in making you happy, even if you don’t acknowledge or reward her, God will reward her irrespective of you like He did for Sarah. But it will be more rewarding for you if you make the effort at putting your wife and her feelings first in your priority list. This is a seed that when you sow, it is bound to germinate for you such that you reap a multiple of what was sown.

May the Lord bless our homes.