Monday, 13 May 2019

Just a Little Secret


Still on the issue of finances in marriage, I have heard so many wives turn into being their family’s breadwinner with the husband doing close to nothing and sitting happy on the fact that his wife is able to meet up with the financial burdens of the family. And the wives give so much till they are heavily weighed down with the financial burden of the family and they can bare no more.
I will again want to say that the financial responsibility of the family is the primary assignment of the husband while the wife contributes in assist mode. But what can the wife do when her husband is just not yielding when it comes to the finances of the family noting that the wife by the auction of God on her life is supposed to submit to her husband as unto the Lord?
I have come to understand and also preach the same that life does not have a one-size-fits-all approach to it. So, to say that what works for wife A might not work for wife B and if this be the case, we need the divine intervention of God in our everyday life and most of all in our marriages. But before I continue in this discussion as we trust God for wisdom, it’s important to differentiate the two kinds of husband that might fall within this category. First, there are husbands who honestly cannot meet up with the financial burden of their family because they truly do not have a means of income or their source of income is insufficient to handle their burdens. So, they genuinely have it in their heart to do, but just don’t have a means to. And then, we have those who do not care. Even when they have to give, they have absolved themselves of every sense of responsibility towards the needs of their family. As long as their wives are taking care of the family’s finances, then they can just not bother anymore.  
As we trust God for wisdom in handling issues like this, I want to also implore wives that they need to be very prayerful and rely on God for the day to day running of their homes. I had shared in one of my blog’s post that wives should not be quick to take up and embrace the breadwinner role just because they have the income to do so. They can support when needed, but when the support is tending towards a permanent responsibility then there is the need to begin to trust God for divine intervention.
For as long as a husband genuinely cannot meet up with the financial needs of the family and the wife is in the know of the situation then she should be ready to fill in the gaps while they both wait on the Lord to lift the husband up financially. But in a situation where the husband is capable of handling the financial responsibility of his family but is deliberately not doing so, then I will suggest that the wife gradually, wisely and prayerfully begin to withdraw from the role that God has not assigned her to and then let her husband begin to understand that it’s his responsibility as the head of the family to financially care for his family and for that, he is accountable.
But this withdrawal must be done with great sensitivity because issues like this have affected marriages negatively. The wife if not careful will be tagged the wicked one and seen as proud and arrogant. But with prayers and the help of God a woman can successfully withdraw from being the breadwinner to being the financial support in her family, without it having a negative effect on the marriage. In fact, some husbands show so much love and respect for their wives for helping them while things were tough.
So as a wife, if there is a financial need in the home and you are certain your husband can handle it, don’t rush to handle it simply because your husband isn’t. First, with love, respect and wisdom inform your husband of the need, then give him time. If after a while he still isn’t handling it, remind him gently. If then he doesn’t handle it, you can either ignore it or find another route to solving the problem without spending money and if possible don’t let him know you have resolved the issue.
I am not encouraging wives to keep secrets from their husbands, but if there is a need to hold back information that will make the husband do what he is supposed to do for the health of the marriage and home, then it wise to hold back such information for the greater good of the family. But I will say this to wives, “know your husband” because there is no one-size-fits-all in marriage. What works for me might not work for you and so above all, we need God’s guidance and wisdom to run a marriage successfully.

Friday, 10 May 2019

Who Should Help Who


I am trying to trust God for solutions to possible grey areas in marriages. You know those things that are most likely to cause problems in marriages and I pray that the Lord will help us with lasting solutions to these issues. One of the issues that come to mind is finances.
Based on my interactions with wives, most especially the ones who are struggling with their marriages I have heard one common utterance, and that is “he doesn’t give me money.” But before I discuss these, I pray that you give me your open heart and understand this very carefully. It is true that we read in 1 Timothy 5:8 that anyone who does not provide for his own, especially those of his household, he is worse than an unbeliever, but just now I am noticing that what the Bible says is anyone and not man. So, unlike what we are used to referring to as man when we refer to this scripture, it is actually anyone. Now anyone can be a man or a woman.
But where I want to consider this from is the role of a man in the home as the head of the home. If a man truly is the head of the home, then he should be the head in making provisions for the needs of his family. There is no point being a half-baked head of the home or be head of the family just by mouth. But that titles comes with huge responsibilities. And making sure that the family is well taken care of is the big responsibility of the head of the family, the husband.
Then we read in Proverbs 31 of the wife of noble character. A wife who is an entrepreneur, one who is hardworking and earns income and with her income provides for the needs of the family. And so, a wife is designed by God to also be the financial support of her husband. So, if we begin to look at this topic holistically, we will find that even though the husband as the head of the home is the principal provider for his family, the wife who is his suitable helper is also a suitable helper in providing for the financial needs of their family.
Now with this fact established, I want to speak to the wives, and my first point of encouragement is that wives should not live their lives being dependent on their husbands, most especially when it comes to the issue of finances. A woman should not depend on her husband for strength, she should be able to build her strength from God and with that strength, she will be a suitable helper to her husband. If God has made you are helper, then you should understand that you cannot depend on the one you are assigned to help for strength and help. Your strength should be from a bigger and more powerful source which is God and then direct that strength to your home including your husband whom you are assigned to help.  You should not wait for the one whom you are assigned to help to be the one helping you.
Now the next question that arises is: Is Derin now saying the wife should take up the responsibility of financially providing for the home? Now, I need us to understand that the wife is not the principal/primary provider, but she provides for her home in the capacity of a suitable helper to her husband as assigned to her by God. When the husband is fulling his responsibility as the primary provider and the wife is fulfilling her responsibility as a suitable helper even in the issue of financial provisions then the home is secured against financial lack or drought. This is God’s mindset for our homes. This is His plan for our homes.

Thursday, 9 May 2019

Your Reaction Matters


What you say, when you say it, and how you say it, are key elements of communication in marriage. Your communication with your spouse, especially at the point of emotional overload (either anger or joy) needs to be handled with great care. Words have the capacity to build up and at the same time, the capacity destroy. We read in Proverbs 18:21 that “the tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit,” and we also read in Proverbs 16:24 that “pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
When your spouse offends you or hurts your feelings, believe me when I say they are well aware of what they are doing or what they have done (at least in most cases). Now, the big issue isn’t what they have done, but how you react to what they have done. Giving it back to them in the full measure of what they did to you is simply justifying the wrong they have done to you. Your wrong reaction has actually right the wrong they did to you, and then the two of you are even. The sad thing is that they will wrong you again and again and then your marriage begins to break down little by little until the center can no longer hold.
But then there is a measure of pleasant word reaction that gives the conscience the power to cleanse the offender. When you react right, you give God room to deal internally with the one who is wrong and then your right reaction produces right action in your spouse with the dealings of God in him or her thereby enjoying a win-win victory by what seems foolish reaction to the world but the wisdom of God put to display.
There is something that happens in my marriage that is so very interesting. My husband is a person who does not like to say sorry to me his wife and to tell you the truth, I really don’t mind. Because rather than say sorry, he buys me a gift instead, or credits my account. That is his own mode of apology and I am enjoying it all the way. Before now I have learned the secret of pleasant words; my husband can be impatient sometimes and harsh sometimes. But on most occasions, I watch myself not to react in the same manner of his harshness and then when he sees that I am not reacting to him in the measure of his actions to me, his conscience takes over. He becomes sorry and sober and just wouldn’t want to openly admit it. Then he goes to get a gift or credit my account, knowing that I will acknowledge what he has done and there the quarrel ends.
It might not be exactly like this for everyone because we also didn’t start so sweet, but with cultivation and growth, it gets sweeter every day and every time. Your marriage is worth every sacrifice that you can give to it, because, the yield is far more than the sacrifice.

Tuesday, 7 May 2019

Your Marriage Was No Mistake


What is your marriage standing on? What is the bonding glue that is keeping your marriage together in one piece? Is it God, or is it love? It is the common belief that marriage cannot exist without love and to this end, I agree. But what happens when you are married in love and then after some years or many years love fades? Does the marriage fade also?
I have heard so many people say their marriage was a mistake, and they believe and hold on to the fact that nothing else can make that marriage work. Even though I know that people are bound to make mistakes, nobody has journeyed through life more than once and going through a road you’ve never been before you are opened to missing your way and taking a wrong turn or follow a wrong route occasionally. But if that is acceptable in other areas of life, it’s not so with marriage. It's morally unacceptable to change spouse as though you were changing your clothing. Yes, you can change jobs, change career path, change houses, change cars, but you can’t change spouses in like manner.
And so, in making the life partner choice, you need a little more than mere love to hinge your decision on. You need God. Even though you are bound to make mistakes because life is a journey you have never embarked on before now and because everyone’s journey differs and so you can’t rely on another’s life experience, you are prone to mistakes. But God never makes mistakes, in fact, God is a mistake repairer. So, when you give your mistakes to God, He fixes them.
And this is why I am so against divorce (even though I do not judge or condemn those divorced), but when you hand over that mistake marriage of yours to God, He fixes it. He repairs it, and then He brings it back to you. And when He gives it back, it turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to you. We read in Malachi 2:16 and Matthew 19:3-6 about how God feels about divorce. If we then call ourselves children of God and we love God, then isn’t it important to put God’s feeling into consideration as we strive to deal with our mistake marriages?
God is a fixer of mistakes. He alone can fix any mess we make of our journey in life. No matter how messy those mistakes are, God alone can and will fix it if only we let Him. No matter how messy a mistake our marriage is, God alone can fix it and make it beautiful. Even more beautiful than what love alone can do. Are you willing to give your messy marriage to God to fix? Divorce is not the best solution to a messy marriage, God is. I have been there before, so I know.

Monday, 6 May 2019

The Power of Thank You

They say the phrase “thank you” is a magic word. They teach it to our nursery and kindergarten children, but for us adults, the phrase has totally lost its value. And then it has become nonexistent in a handful of marriages (being careful not to generalize). In fact, it's also the same in our relationship with God. When we don’t get what we want how we want it, appreciating what we have becomes a problem.
A man in his sixties walked into my shop to buy a lace fabric for his wife. It was his 60th birthday shortly before then, and he got a handful of cash as gifts from well-wishers and just decided to spoil his wife and appreciate her. And so he wanted to buy her a beautiful piece of clothing. He bought this lovely fabric and took it home. He also bought her a pair of shoes to go with the fabric. He called a day after to say the shoes were not the size of his wife, so he would return the shoe. After two days, he brought the shoe back, and I asked him if his wife liked the fabric he had bought. The expression on his face said it all. He was pained in his spirit over the fact that his wife didn’t appreciate the fabric simply because she wanted him to give her the money and let her buy for herself what she wanted.
Interestingly, he told me that if he had given her money, he wouldn’t have given her as much as he had spent buying the fabric. Her lack of appreciation spoke volumes to the man and his ability to extend such a gesture another time. Even if he had to do it, he wouldn’t. And if he brings himself to do it just as a sense of duty, he wouldn’t do as much, simply because the initial one was not appreciated.
A lot of us wives make this same mistake, and when our husbands shut down on us, we begin to complain. We call them irresponsible and compare them to men who take good care of their wives forgetting that we are the architect of who and what they have become. For the husband doing so much for his wife, have you taken time to study what the wife is doing to make the husband continue to pour out himself for her?
I have learned to appreciate all that my husband does for me and our children, even though it is his responsibility to do these things. When I thank my husband for paying our children’s school fees, he asks why? He then comments that he is just taking care of his responsibility. But I tell him that thousands of husbands are not paying their children’s school fees even though some can afford to, and heaven isn’t falling because of them. So, he should allow me to appreciate him that he knows his responsibility and he is doing the responsibility of his own free will. That alone is a morale booster for a man.
And the same goes for the wife. We, as wives, go beyond the limit to keep the home and family together. I know the feeling I get when my husband and I go out and return home very tired and I still have to go straight to the kitchen to make food while others are stretching out their legs and relaxing, and then my husband enters the kitchen to say well done and apologize for putting me through the stress. That alone drives the tiredness away, and you find a little strength to continue.
These are the little spices that make the marriage beautiful. It’s so wrong and, in fact, dangerous to take your spouse for granted. A little bit of appreciation here and there is just good oil for the shining of your marriage. It's not all the gifts my husband buys for me that I am crazily in love with, but I appreciate them all and wear these gifts as though I have longed for them all my life, and sincerely, what that does is that it gives him reasons to keep giving. He is also learning to know more about what I like and improving on the gifts. That is the power of “thank you.” It makes the giver never stop giving. 

Friday, 3 May 2019

There is Always a Way Out of the Messy Marriage Other Than What You Think

It’s been a long while, and I feel bad that I have abandoned the writing of the marriage blog in pursuit of so many other things. Trying to combine business with blogging has been a big distraction, but today, I pray for the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ not to abandon His assignment on my life, knowing that meeting my needs is His priority. Without so much story again, I want us to dive straight back into the marriage discussion.
When I talk to wives, I tell them the way out of a messy marriage differs greatly from what they think. Most wives who have husbands who are not taking up their husbandly responsibilities have resorted to prayers. When prayers seem not to be working, they resolve to either abandon the marriage and go for a separation or endure the miserable situation as it is. And shocking but true, some die trying to patch a terrible marriage in the best way they know how.
But one thing I love about God is that when we pray, He tells us what to do about what we have prayed about, and when we do it as He has instructed, we see the results that we desire. Based on my relationship with God and how He has helped me out of my messy marriage situation without having to get a divorce or a separation, still married to the same husband, I learned to not just pray but also to listen to God for a sense of direction.
As we should know, prayer is a dialog between the one who is praying and the God to whom he/she is praying. Prayer should not be a monolog whereby you just talk and then stand up and go. When you pray, you should expect a response from the One you have prayed to, and a response is not just in miraculously seeing a transformation of the situation you have prayed about, but a response in knowing what God (whom you have prayed to) would have you do for the situation you have prayed about to change.
The Bible says prayers without deeds are dead. So, with a few wives who have discussed their marriage situations with me, I have asked a handful of them what they have done to help their marriage. Most of them have responded that they have prayed. And then I ask the question, when you prayed, what did God tell you to do? At that point, the response I got was that I didn’t hear God ask me to do anything.
The truth is that it wasn’t God who didn’t speak of a way of escape; it was us who didn’t listen or were unwilling to listen to what God was telling us to do. In most cases, what we hear in our spirit might be far from what we expect or desire as a response, so we tell ourselves we can’t go that route. And then we accuse God of not answering our prayers because all we want is to wake up one morning and see a brand-new person in the spouse we are complaining and praying about without any input from us.
It’s just like praying about your terrible financial situation and expecting to wake up one morning and meet a million dollars in your account without working for it just because you prayed. I am sure you will agree with me that that is an impossibility. When I had my own terrible marriage experience, I must confess it was heart-wrenching, and to say that I prayed is to say the least. I went for all manners of deliverance and counseling, and still, nothing changed. And then, I just resolved to look for the solution to my problems within the pages of the Bible, and from therein, God began to speak to me. I was so desperate for a solution that I was willing to obey anything He told me to do. And He told me to do the oddest thing that I could possibly hear God give as instruction back then. He told me to submit to my husband.
At that time, I had considered my husband the devil while I was the saint. But with strength and grace from God, I obeyed, even though it was challenging and difficult. With time and help from the Spirit of God, obedience became easy, and then God began to use my obedience to bring about a glorious change in the life of my husband. Today, I am enjoying the time of my life with the man of my life and in the marriage of my life. My marriage is just so sweet and glorious.
I have repeatedly mentioned my case in my blog articles, and I can’t say it enough. Now, what are you willing to add to your prayers to make your marriage the beauty you desire? What is that thing that God is telling you to either put in or take away from your life to make your marriage what you desire it to be? In truth, if you want a change from the status quo, the first thing to do is to look into the mirror and begin the change with who you see as the reflection in the mirror. That change that you so long for in your marriage starts with you. 

Tuesday, 19 March 2019

The Joint Account Issue

We had our second marriage workshop tagged “Couple’s Clinic” a few days ago and it was fantastic. One of the issues discussed that raised a lot of questions bothers on finances. We tried to look at the most common issues in marriage that bring about disagreements between couples and I am sure you will be surprised if money didn’t feature on that list. And the issue of couples having a joint account came up. In order to have more people benefit from this discussion, I have decided to write a post on it.
There are no clear instructions on this when we search the Bible, but we can apply godly wisdom in dealing with this kind of issue. The first thing that I will advise couples already married and those intending to marry is that whatever you can’t finish or better still whatever you can’t sustain in your marriage it is better you do not start it. And I say this with money as a focus.
There is absolutely nothing wrong in couples having a joint bank account, but when it gives the devil an avenue to attack your marriage then it’s important that you avoid it. Having a joint account or not does not in any way affect the issue of trust in marriage. If as a wife you don’t trust your husband, sharing a joint bank account with him will still not make you trust him. And likewise, for the husband, having a joint bank account will not in any way result in trust in the marriage.
Quite a lot of couples share the same bank accounts and they are good for it and a handful of couples share the same bank account and they feel choked by it. The truth of the matter is that masculine material priority differs totally from a feminine material priority. A wife may want to buy a skirt or a wig, or a hair extension and as far as the husband is concerned those a trash. And in the same vain a husband might want to buy an expensive wrist band and the wife sees it as absorb and a waste. And there the trouble begins. What men need money for are most of the time totally different from what women need money for. But that is not to say that I condemn having a joint bank account, but if it has to be done, then it should be done with a level of wisdom such that it doesn’t give room for any marital crisis in the future.  
It is a nice thing if both couples have separate means of income. If for any reason there is the desire to save between couples, they can decide to have a joint account whereby they both maintain a certain level of contribution periodically for the family. And if both couples are working and doing this, then it’s very okay.
But in a scenario whereby both the wife and husband are working and earning a salary and have decided that they put all of their salaries in one joint bank account, I fear that might be a time bomb waiting to explode. This has absolutely nothing to do with trust but the fact that the wife who might most likely feel choked from this arrangement after a while, will need to always seek her husband’s approval for every spend in her life even though she is working and earning income. And the same goes for the husband. Invariably, one of the parties will start to hold back some of his/her income to meet personal needs and this will, in turn, break down trust and openness in the marriage. 
A typical example of this was shared at the just concluded marriage gist and what I advised such a wife to do is to begin to look for what she can do that will fetch for her a second source of income whereby she get money to do what she wants to do without having to feel choked seeking husband’s approval to meet her needs.
Another possible way was for her to speak with her husband and gently and lovingly explain to her husband that the arrangement is not working well for her and as such she will need to be allowed to retain a fraction of her income in her personal account to cater for her personal needs.
Not having a joint bank account does not in any way reduce or improve the level of trust and openness in marriage. I don’t share the same bank account with my husband, but if I need to save money such that I won’t have any reason to touch it, I give it to my husband for safe keeping and he returns my money to me when I demand it. But not that I condemn the act of couples having a joint bank account in any way. I will say this to couples, never rush into any decision making out of momentary emotion that you feel, it is important that you consider the long-term effect of your decisions. Any decision or agreement that has the potential of dividing you or causing disaffection between you two in the long-run, then it’s important you don’t enter into such agreement.
Love and trust in marriage are not subject to a joint bank account.   


The Power of a Working Wife

  It is generally believed that a man is supposed to be the breadwinner of his home and the primary and only financial source for the family...