Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: What the Bible Says and Why It Matters

The way we brush away the issue of intimacy in marriage as something not to be spoken about openly is very interesting. It is often assumed that sex is not a thing to be discussed openly by Christians. It is viewed as a dirty topic and can only be addressed privately in the secrecy of the couple's bedroom.

Why Christians Need to Talk About Sexual Intimacy

But while we shy away from this vital aspect of marriage, this issue is breaking some homes. I have heard of a true-life story of a couple who divorced because the wife claimed her husband was not satisfying her intimacy demands.

Now, that is not a case in isolation, as I know another couple who had a very messy breakup, and the underlying problem was the wife not being experienced enough to meet the sexual demands of her husband.

These two were always fighting. The wife was in her mid-thirties when she got married, and she was a virgin. Due to the maturity of her body and her celibacy, her first attempt at sex after getting married was not an interesting one. It was a painful attempt.  A couple more attempts were not any better.

Unfortunately, her husband was not a good communicator, with high hopes and expectations that turned into disappointment, irritation, and aggression. The wife assumed there were demonic attacks on her marriage, as she could not understand what about her was pissing her husband off.

She prayed, and prayed, and eventually sought shelter for safety when irritation and aggression turned into physical abuse. She walked out of her home and back to her parents without truly knowing what was wrong with the man she was married to.

There were several interventions from the wife's and husband's parents, and when all attempts to patch things up between them failed, as the husband insisted he was done, he filed for a divorce, and they went their separate ways.

When the Real Problem Is a Lack of Communication

I met the husband for the first time about 6 years after the divorce, when he reached out to me after reading some of my blog articles. We got talking, and he told me about his divorce. I was curious, as I never wanted to hear of couples divorcing. I asked many questions and even requested to speak to his ex-wife, with the hope of igniting a reconciliation.

In the course of talking to this couple, they told me many things that didn’t add up, but the man kept nagging about the fact that the wife didn’t like sex. The fact that he kept repeating it told me more than he admitted, and I confronted him about it.

It was when I stayed on the issue of his sex life in our discussion that he admitted that it was a big issue for him. But what beat my imagination was that he never complained about it to his wife. When I asked him why he never addressed the issue with his wife, his response was that she was supposed to know.

What killed that marriage was not just the fact that sex was a problem, but communication about sex was the main killer. The only way this Christian husband was able to communicate his demands to his wife when it related to sex was to buy her books about sex and nothing more. In his world, she was supposed to understand what the books were for.

I have just shared two true-life situations where the marriage was broken solely because of a problem with intimacy in those marriages. And these are not cases in isolation. Problems with intimacy in marriage form part of the irreconcilable differences used as reasons for divorce. Calling it irreconcilable differences is just not wanting to say the real issue out loud.

While sexual intimacy should not be the main reason for couples to go into marriage, it is a very important part of a marriage union. Intimacy is one of the physical displays of love that promotes oneness in marriage. It encourages affection and helps the bond of togetherness in marriage stay strong.

What Does the Bible Say About Sexual Intimacy in Marriage?

But it is interesting to note that the issue of intimacy in marriage was not left out of the Bible. 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 says, “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

If this topic of sexual intimacy is discussed in the Bible, then that tells us that it is a matter that should be addressed strongly. When intimacy disappears and is left unaddressed, an important part of the marital bond can begin to suffer. Though intimacy is not the first thing in marriage, it is a strong lifeline of a good marriage.

It is a bonding gift from God to the married couple that should be enjoyed by both partners. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that the husband and wife should not deprive one another of this good gift except for mutual consent and for a short time.

While I cannot explicitly give guidelines about intimacy in marriage, one truth needs to be emphasized. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:4 that the wife does not have authority over her body, but her husband does, and likewise the husband does not have authority over his body, but his wife does.

But this scripture should not be misread. The scripture does not encourage an entitlement mentality or coercion or aggression when it comes to the issue of intimacy in marriage. Intimacy is a display of love that should be earned. Intimacy is not an act that should be forced.

God's Rules of Engagement in Marriage — discover God’s principles for building deeper intimacy, communicating with love, and nurturing the closeness and oneness He designed marriage to enjoy.

When the Real Problem Is a Lack of Communication

Intimacy in marriage, as designed by God, is for the good of the husband and the wife. It should be a thing of pleasure and love. But for some women, the first experience of sexual intimacy can involve discomfort or pain, which makes patience, communication, gentleness, and understanding especially important. And this is the downside of the story I shared earlier.

But that is not meant to be a problem when a married couple learns to communicate openly, with understanding and love as they navigate new terrains of their marriage. There is always a first time for every experience, and this precious issue should be handled with love and care.

Sexual Intimacy Is About More Than Sex

Two things I want to mention just as I close this discussion are that sexual intimacy plays a very significant and beneficial role in marriage, but it can also be abused. In the next few paragraphs, I will explain why I say this.

The dictionary meaning of intimacy is closeness; one of the meanings of closeness, when viewed in the context of a relationship, is affection. And the last thing I found is that closeness is “the quality of being done in an attentive and thorough way”.

So intimacy in marriage means closeness, affection, attention, and thoroughness. I want to believe deep in my heart that all of these beautiful attributes are qualities the Lord had in mind when He added sexual intimacy to marriage.  

This is beyond procreation; it is beyond reproduction; those are just the fruits of the gift of sexual intimacy. But at the core of this act are closeness, affection, attention, and thoroughness. The couple pays attention to the needs of one another in an affectionate and thorough manner.

That is what God wants; that is why He made them bone of bones and flesh of flesh to one another. I have come to realize, maybe with a few exceptions, that couples cannot stay angry with each other after an act of sexual intimacy. If they had issues or disagreements, sexual intimacy tends to dissolve the problem easily.

When Intimacy Becomes a Weapon in Marriage

But there is also the issue of weaponizing sexual intimacy in marriage. We have cases of a husband or wife depriving their spouse simply because there is a disagreement. This is very wrong, and that is why Paul called it out in 1 Corinthians 7:5.

By virtue of the fact that you people are married, based on God’s definition found in Genesis 2:23 and in Matthew 19:6, Jesus says they are no longer two but one. On the basis of these scriptures, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:4 that a woman's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband, and likewise, a man’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

And this is so because the Lord intends that the body be a vessel of sexual intimacy, fostering love, closeness, affection, and attention, and not to be used as a weapon of war in marriage. And this underscores the importance of a man taking care of his wife’s body because that body belongs to him also, and vice versa.

Physically abusing your spouse’s body is physically abusing yourself. You may not feel the physical pain, but the Lord will hold you accountable spiritually. Like the story I shared earlier, you cannot physically abuse your spouse’s body and still expect that same body to serve your sexual needs. What you take care of will serve you well, and what you disdain will repel you.

Building a Marriage of Closeness, Affection and Care

Like every other aspect of marriage, the intimacy part of it is very important and should be taken care of diligently. I agree that stress and fatigue may create bottlenecks in sexual intimacy, but we should not allow them to create a bottleneck in other aspects of intimacy.

Personal hygiene that makes intimacy attractive should also be a daily lifestyle. These are spices that make marriages a beautiful and holistic experience, just like God intended it to be.

Today’s post is the tenth of a three-month series on the big topic of marriage. If this message is speaking to you, then you need more than just a blog post—you need a guide. My book God’s Rules of Engagement in Marriage walks you step-by-step through building a marriage that stands strong, even in difficult seasons.

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