When Obedience Doesn't Seem Fair

I had wanted to share something different today, but I came across another story on another social media group that I belong to, that is quite interesting and comes across to me as a follow up of my last post. This story is the complete opposite scenario from my last post and I believe there are lessons to learn from this story too. This is another true-life story.

The Story

My husband wants to give me N10,000 ($27) for feeding the family for the month. Our family consists of me, my husband and our unborn baby as I am currently pregnant for my husband. I am also not working because he instructed that I must not work. I am wondering how far this peanut of money can go for a month since I am not working and can’t do anything to support this little money, and understanding fully well the economic situation in the country. Please should I collect this money from him or not. What should I do?

My Response

Reading this story, the first thing that came to my mind is the story of a widow found in 2 Kings 4:1-7 and I will just share that passage here for easy reference.

2 Kings 4:1-7

The wife of a man from the company of the prophets cried out to Elisha, “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that he reverend the Lord. But now his creditor is coming to take my two boys as his slaves.”

Elisha replied to her, “How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?"

“Your servant has nothing there at all,” she said, “except a little oil.”

Elisha said, “Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don’t ask for just a few. Then go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. Pour oil into all the jars, and as each is filled, put it to one side.”

She left him and afterwards shut the door behind her and her sons. They brought the jars to her and she kept pouring. When all the jars were full, she said to her son, “Bring me another one.”

But he replied, “There is not a jar left.” Then oil stopped flowing.

She went and told the man of God, and he said, “Go, sell the oil and pay your debts. You and yours sons can live on what is left.”

If I were this wife in question I bet you, the approach of this widow would be my choice of approach in handling this situation. That token of money that feels so little and inadequate to go by for a week not to talk of for four weeks, bearing in mind that the members of the family would have to eat three times a day and considering the economic situation of the country and the cost of food items, would be committed into the hands of God to bless and multiply being confident that the God who fed five thousand able bodied men outside of women and children and they still collected twelve baskets full of leftovers is still very much on the throne and His power and expertise in handling difficult situations such as this has not diminished. He was God then and He is still God now and He is still in the business of answering prayers.

David said in Psalm 34:10 that “The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing,” and again in Psalm 37:25 he said, “I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.” This widow we read of in 2 Kings 4:1-7 sought the Lord and she was not put to shame. She called on God with her "nothing at all except a little oil" and her problems were immediately taken care of.

Even though I pray the men reading this would not use what I am about to write as an excuse to fail in their responsibilities as husbands and fathers in providing for their families, I would tell this wife to appreciate her husband for the little he has dropped. Some wives are still struggling to have their husbands drop such a little as this. But that said, the wife who is a child of God will call on God to work on that little and multiply it such that it will continue to meet the needs of the home until the husband is able to drop another trench, and hopefully the next time it will be a little more than the previous time.

Philippians 4:19 says, “And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” This Bible passage didn’t say that “and your husband will meet all your needs.” As a matter of fact your husband is just a vessel in the hands of God in meeting your needs, and God can decide to choose another vessel who is not your husband if He so wishes to. The important thing is that God meets all your needs; so whether it's through your husband or otherwise, is not so much of an issue as the fact that your needs are met.

So appreciate your husband for the little he has to drop, accept it with joy and give him room to want to do more. When you show gratitude to your husband for what you think is little, you make him want to do more, and leave him with no excuse not to want to do more next time except he genuinely does not have. How you make that little work to adequately meet the needs of the home is a business that you let God take care of for you; all you need to do is exercise your faith and give God that mustard seed faith that He needs to make the impossible possible in your situation.   

A Very Costly Disobedience

In my post today I will be sharing a true life story that I came across on one of the social media groups that I belong to. It is a very touching story and will most likely bring tears to your eyes. But there is a big lesson from it and I pray that this makes a big impact in the lives of those reading this.

The Story

My marriage is 2years now and it has been so wonderful until something shocking stole my joy away. I am a mother of two, a boy and a girl, and the age difference between them is just a year and two months. When I gave birth to my second child, my husband said I should stop work and take care of the kids but I told him I couldn’t stop work based on other people’s experiences that I had heard. He begged me, but I refused. He told me he had plans for me but I told him to make the plan a reality first before asking me to stop work. So he left me to my stubbornness since I wanted to follow my heart. Unfortunately for me, a couple of months ago (date withheld), I was set for work, I was feeding my boy before taking him to school, he refused eating so I forced him. He vomited the food, then I took him from the bedroom to the sitting room. As I carried him, I discovered he had pooed on his diaper and so I cleaned him up and took a clean diaper from his school bag to wear on him. Once done, I left the sitting room to get a replacement diaper for his school bag not knowing that my son had walked out of the sitting room into the parking lot of the building. It was my son’s cry that alerted me that he was not where I left him. On rushing towards his voice I realized that my neighbor, who was reversing out of the parking lot, not knowing that my son was behind his car, drove over him with his tyre climbing over my son’s head. I ran like a mad woman that morning, but my little prince died before we got to the hospital. I wished death could take me instead. I asked God many questions with no answer. But that was not the end of my misery; my husband who had not been home for two months arrived to meet the lifeless body of his son in the mortuary. Since then the 90% love and attention that I got from my husband decreased to 10%. My husband held me responsible for the death of our son and said he would never forgive me except I bring back his son to life. Since then I have been passing through emotional trauma. He accused me of killing his joy. There is always tension in the house, I am no more the strong woman that I used to be. Even our 6months old baby girl is affected by this incident and development in our home. I can’t even pray. Every day my husband keeps talking about our late son; I am confused, can anyone advise me on what to do please.   

My Response

I had hoped to drop a comment on this post when I read it, but I guess I was a little late as usual as the comment icon had been disabled. But this is also a good medium to lend a voice and I pray that those who read this will keep the loads of lessons from it to heart and act on what they have learned.

First I will say that the only true and guaranteed source of healing is God, so no matter what, you need to pick up the pieces that is left, summon strength and like the prodigal son, find your way back to God in prayer. I need not say that you have had to learn the submission lesson the very hard way. But only God knows what He has to do, to make you do what He wants you to do. Probably if He didn’t hit you so hard, you will not learn. But I believe you have learned; who wouldn’t learn in a situation like this. But this is not a situation to drive you away from God, rather it should drive you closer to Him in total surrender with you telling God that you have dropped your will and you are ready to take up His will and do things the way He wants them done. If God says submit to your husband, then He means business about it.

It’s no surprise that your husband holds you responsible for the death of his son, any normal person would, but that is not the end of the matter. When you surrender to God, He will take up your matter and right all the wrongs on your behalf. He will soften the heart of your husband and renew the love in your marriage.

It’s very painful to lose a child but I bless God that you are not barren, neither is it that you are too old to conceive. So in your case there is a bright hope that God will bless you yet again with another boy child and this time it will not just be a boy child, you will have them come as a double blessings; special sons to a special child of God.

Don’t fight your husband, let him hurt and let him express himself, don’t bother telling him it’s not your fault, just beg him. Apologize to him for disobeying his instructions; tell him you have learned your lessons the hard and bitter way, tell him he is your king and will always remain so. Show him that you are sorry and repentant. Never argue with his instructions again. Obey and let God take care of the rest. See the foolish wisdom in obedience to your husband and pursue it with all your energy and it will be well with you. I am praying for you and I know that your marriage will sail through this trying time in Jesus name. 

Why Didn't You Make it Work

Today I will share a story that has really burdened my heart. It is a story that I happen to know those involved, but I am really pained by what became of their union. These were people I had counseled and the fact that their marriage didn’t last was a big pain to me. In marriage prayer is very important.

The Story

A young man that I happen to know was in love with a young lady who was of another tribe and culture from his own tribe and culture, but they share the same faith. They were both Christians. Because of the difference in tribe the mother of the guy was hell bent on not approving their union because she wanted her son to marry a wife from their own tribe who spoke their language. But the father of the guy didn’t oppose to the union as long as his son was okay with the wife he wanted to marry.

The man did all that he could to prevail on his mother to allow him marry the woman of his heart. It was at this point that I was invited into the situation and I advised both bride and groom to be, to commit the situation into the hands of God. The man appealed to his mother through every possible means he knew. The Reverend Father of their church was invited into the situation and after so much pleading and convincing, the mother allowed the union to sail through. Or so I thought.

The wedding ceremony went smoothly but barely two months after the wedding, these two interesting couples have gone their separate ways and the groom is now married to another woman who now has a son for him barely a year after marrying the first wife. This new wife is from his tribe and culture and speaks the same language as he and his family does to the satisfaction of his mother. Now, my worry is that what happened to the love that held him bound to the first woman he married that they both fought dearly for against all odds to the point that they were able to tie the knot.

I have not had the opportunity to speak to the husband or wife to find out what went wrong and why such didn’t go wrong before they eventually got married even with the strong resistance that was put up by the groom’s mother. But I was able to speak with the groom’s sister and believe me; she was unable to give me any cogent reason for the breakup of that marriage that lasted just for two months safe of minor differences.  The wife complains that the husband is smoking excessively and the husband says the wife nags too much. And believe me I am so pained by this situation that one would be tempted to think it happened to my blood brother.

I am sharing this story so that we might understand that marriage is sacrosanct; it’s a covenant that must be kept and one must abide with for the rest of one's life. And so it is not a union that you can just jump into and jump out of at will. Sometimes it’s just advisable to stay unmarried when you are unsure, than to carelessly heap the wrath of God on your life and destiny.

When you do what God hates, you invite or should I say attract His wrath on your life and destiny. God says He hates DIVORCE. He even warned in Malachi 2:16 that you should guard yourself in your spirit not to break faith with the wife of your youth. There is a huge importance that God attaches to the position of the wife of one’s youth that you also need to attach equal importance to if not more if you would attract the blessings of God rather than His wrath.

Malachi 2:13-16 tells us how much importance God attaches to marriage, yet we His people take it with levity as though it is just one of those things. It is this same nonchalant attitude that the sons of God attached to marriage in Genesis 6:1-5 that made God declare that His Spirit will no longer contend with men any longer and that every thought of their heart is evil all the time.

When in future life begins to look bleak and challenges are coming up from every angle, the man will begin to wonder why is it so, but God will honor His word because that is Who He is. He will stop to pay attention to the offerings of this man and will not accept them with pleasure because he has broken faith with the wife of his youth; the wife of his marriage covenant which God stood to witness. God will act as a judge between this two and will judge each one accordingly. So why invite the wrath of God on your life. Why not consider your future and your walk to God and hold on to God to help you through the challenges of your union?

I will stop here, but I pray that I have reached the core of someone’s heart with this post today to know, understand and appreciate that it’s a lot better to stick it out and work it out and come out better off, than to walk away and stand before God’s judgment to answer why you didn’t make your marriage work. 

When the Sons of God began to Marry the Daughters of Men

As I was beginning to trust God on what I should share in today’s blog post, I came across this scripture and I believe that God would want to speak to our hearts through it today.

Genesis 6:1-3

When men began to increase in number on the earth and daughters were born to them, the sons of God saw that the daughters of men were beautiful, and they married any of them they chose. Then the Lord said, “My Spirit will not contend with man for ever, for he is mortal; his days will be a hundred and twenty years.

This is the Bible scripture the Lord dropped in my spirit for today’s post and the first thing that came to my attention is found in vs.2 of the passage which says “the sons of God saw that the daughters of men were beautiful and they married any of them they chose.” Looking at this passage from face value you would wonder why God would then declare that His Spirit will not contend with man for ever; what could have made God arrive at this conclusion just because the sons of God saw that the daughters of men where beautiful and married any of them they chose. So I decided to read backwards a little and found this in Genesis 4:26b and it says “At that time men began to call on the name of the Lord.” No wonder these men were referred to as sons of God and not sons of men.

So the sons of God who had began to call on the name of the Lord at that time didn’t see the need to call on the name of the Lord before choosing a wife for themselves. Even though they had known to call on the name of the Lord, they didn’t deem it fit to call on the name of the Lord on the most important decision of their lives, rather they allowed the lust of the flesh to rule their senses and mislead them.

Note that when men began to call on the name of the Lord, God blessed them with length of years and they lived to close to a thousand years. We had men who lived more than 900years on the face of the earth because at that time they were calling on the name of the Lord. But when the sons of God who called on the name of the Lord decided that there were some issues they could handle themselves without God, one of which was choosing the daughters of men as wives based on outward beauty, their days ware cut short. They no longer lived 900years or more, they now have a life span of 120years.

When you read further on to Genesis 6:5 which says “The Lord saw how great man’s wickedness on earth had become, and that every inclination of the thought of his heart was only evil all the time,” you will notice that the aftermath of the decision of the sons of God marrying the daughters of men without divine consultation with God is that the hearts of men began to grow wicked and the thought of their hearts was evil all the time.

If we break it down a little, you will note that it is only a marriage without the fear of God in it that will lead to a divorce; it is only a marriage without God in it that will be characterized by violence. Every negative attributes of marriage is evident in a marriage in which those in it have not put God first. When you choose a wife without consulting God, the likelihood of choosing wrong is very high. When you choose wrong, then you have burdened yourself with a wife who will drain value from your life rather than add value to it. Every man has huge responsibilities to fulfill for God and if the wife who is to help is becoming too demanding herself then frustration sets in. With this frustration comes every evil thought that can possibly be conceived. No wonder God says that every inclination of the heart of men was evil all the time after the man has burdened himself with a beautiful liability and a beautiful value drainer.

I am now tempted to say that the negativity that is seen and felt the world over is as a result of the wrong foundation that we have built our marriages on. God has been relegated to the background of our marital lives and experiences. We worship God in our churches but not in our homes and so our orientation is faulty, our values are faulty, our traditions are faulty and these same faulty characteristics we pass unto our children.

If only the men would go back to that time when they began to call on the name of the Lord and they would no longer be referred to as men, but as sons of God.   

The Indispensable Wife

In my last post I wrote about the domesticated wife and in the post before that I wrote about loving love; loving to be loved. Tying the two together I will say that been domesticated is one of the possible means of digging up your husband’s love for you. I tried it out in my marriage and it worked.

But there is another dimension to all these that is worth talking about and that is the angle of the indispensable wife. Other words that can replace the word indispensable are: vital, very important, essential, crucial, requisite, necessary; but I will like to define indispensable with the phrase “can’t do without. So an indispensable wife is a wife who is so very important, crucial, essential, necessary, requisite and a "cannot do without wife" to her husband. An indispensable wife is a part of her husband that he cannot do without.

I am of the opinion that if you are a wife that your husband can do without and when you are not there nothing is missing, then you don’t have any business being a wife. So its either you are an indispensable wife or you are no wife at all. An indispensable wife is a wife who adds value to her husband. She is his rock support from God.    

Being an indispensable wife is not an easy task based on my own personal experience. To my husband I am not just his wife, but I am wife/friend, wife/secretary, wife/personal assistance, wife/confidant, wife/adviser, wife/record keeper, wife/cook all in addition to being a mother of four children and a servant of God. When my husband is looking for anything at all in the house from remote control to socks, I am his first point of call. I keep my husband’s calendar outside of his office calendar. I basically organize my husband’s life and I feel fulfilled doing it.

From his laundry to the grooming of his finger and toe nails, I take care of them all and I have been doing so from the very moment we married. And I enjoy every bit of it. I am not saying that every woman should be in charge of cutting their husband’s nails, but as a wife you should be strategically positioned in the life of your husband such that he is able to say that "I can’t remain sane without my wife." When you know what your husband likes and you keep giving it to him, you gradually move from just any wife to an indispensable wife to your husband.

When you are an indispensable wife to your husband, you cut down on the probability of him having extra-marital affairs. You also increase the bond of unity between the two of you and you should also know that with unity comes success and with unity impossibility is eradicated from your marriage.

You may want to ask why we are not talking about the indispensable husband, well again it’s because it’s the wife that has been assigned by God to build the home; she lays the foundation on which the marriage is built. An indispensable wife is a wife that enjoys the love, care and cooperation of her husband as she builds her marriage.

I must say that marriage is not for lazy hands. Please note that as a wife your first and most important assignment to you from God is to be a wife and suitable helper to the man He assigns you to as head over your life. That should be your most important pursuit in life because you will give account to God based on this pursuit. All other pursuits are secondary and just a means to an end. They don't hold greater priority above the assignment God has given you.
May the Lord bless our homes in Jesus name. 

The Domesticated Wife

Now the holidays are over and we can resume work fully. I have been busy with my new book titled "Marriage Handbook" which is simply a compilation of all the write-ups on marriage shared on this blog till February 2017. And so far I have come up with a book of about 600pages. I am sure you will agree with me that that is huge. But editing it has been a big experience for me in that I am amazed at the loads of lessons and revelations contained in that one piece of material. It's worth having I assure you. It's not out yet; it requires more editing and a little bit of finishing touches. But as soon as the cover art work is out, I will sure share it here. And I need help with marketing my books. I will appreciate any help that I can get as I am struggling with marketing my books.
But that said, it's time to get down to the main business of today's write-up which is talking about the domesticated wife. That kind of wife that is mostly refereed to as the superwoman who seem to have everything under control; always on top of the affairs of her home.  
The most fitting definition for the word domesticate that I can find in the dictionary says “to accustom to household life or affairs.” And one truth that I have discovered is that no matter the level of exposure a wife has, no matter her career achievement, no matter her entrepreneurial expertise, most, if not all men love to be married to wives who are accustomed to household affairs; a wife who can take proper care of the home, cook good food, ensure a neat home that is appealing to all the sense organs in addition to all other roles she still has to play as a wife. Now going by the characteristics of a wife of noble character as found in Proverbs 31:10-31, it looks more like its the expectation of a wife to be accustomed to household life or affairs.  

In truth being a wife can be overwhelming and taking my yesterday for example, where my hired help took two days off work to attend to her personal issues, I can tell you for free that by the time I was out of my kitchen, I could barely stand on my two legs with my knees threatening to give way going by how tired I was from doing house chores.
But when I evaluated all that the woman has to do on the face of the earth, I realized that her husband and children should be on her priority list. All other pursuit of a woman are a means to an end of building a successful and beautiful home and marriage, because God’s judgment of her earthly performance will be based on how well she performed as a wife and mother. God will not ask a wife why she didn’t become a Managing Director of a company before leaving the face of the earth, but God will surely demand an account of how well she performed as a suitable helper in the life of her husband.  

Quite a number of marriages have crash landed owing the inability of the wife to get accustomed to household life and affairs (she is not domesticated). Being able to take care of your home as a wife is one of the important ingredients of a successful marriage and one of your functions as a home builder. The house chores can really be tiring but if you cannot cope alone, get a helping hand but at least ensure that they are done and done properly.

Being domesticated is one of the ways with which I have been able to ignite my husband’s love for me. It can also work for you (although being domesticated is not all you need to dig up your husband’s love, but its part of the whole); it is a value-add to being a superwoman that has grown to be all that her husband needs and wants. It is a value-add that helps you ignite your husband's love and respect for you as his wife.

May the Lord bless our homes. 

I Just Love LOVE

I want to start my gist today by saying that I love LOVE. I wonder who doesn’t anyway. I love to love and be loved. One of my favorite songs is the love song by late Teddy Pendagrass that say “to beloved and love in return in the greatest thing that my heart desires.” I find myself in synced with that love song so very much.

But one truth about love is that it is earned. Some talk about love at first sight, but in truth that’s not love, its infatuation. True love takes time to grow and develop. But for true love to develop, something has to give. Just like everything that grows, love begins with a seed. Sometimes just a smile, a kind word, a helping hand, your appearance, carriage, composure, intellect and so many other things can form a basis for love to grow. These are seeds that germinate into love. So if you love LOVE like I do then you can’t demand it or enforce it, you need to sow a seed for it, nurture the seed that you have sown and then watch it grow.

Love in marriage follows the same pattern; its starts with a seed of love sown and then nurtured to grow. I understand that God instructs the husband to love their wives as themselves and as Christ loves the church, but this love doesn’t just appear. Its easier for the man to love his wife when she is wise enough to sow the seed of love in him and nurture it to grow.

I have heard some men (my husband inclusive) say with pride that their wives taught them to love. They are not ashamed to say it because in truth it is a thing of pride to help your husband love you more. Every man created by God has the capacity to love, but that capacity is put into full use when they have people around them who just make them to want to keep loving. In that case, the capacity to love is fully maximized.

A wise woman who loves Love like I do will make effort at igniting the love in her husband for her. No matter how deeply buried that love is, she needs to learn to dig it up. She needs to keep digging it up with deeds and acts and even words that will do nothing else but make her husband want to love her all the more. Because there is no feeling as good as knowing and being confident that your husband or wife loves you to the moon and back. And when you put up the appropriate acts and words that will enhance the growth of your husband's love for you, then crown all your efforts with prayers. There is no sin in you praying to God daily that your husband loves you more than he did the day before. And you can be sure that when your deeds and actions are right and your words to your husband are right, then God has something to work with in answering your prayers. 

The things you say and do to your husband always, should be words and actions that will light up the fire of love for you in your husband. Even when he is putting up a front, don’t get distracted, don’t get dismayed because you have a goal you are pursuing and that goal is to make sure you bring out the love that God has placed inside of your husband for you and that goal must be achieved.

If you ask me if its possible to fire up the flames of love in your husband, I will say a big YES. And if you ask me how, I will tell you that the answer cannot be generalized, because what appeals to Mr. A might not appeal to Mr. B. But what can be generalized is that a wife prayerfully submits to her husband; the use of words that are sweet as honeycomb and healing to the soul are part of the seeds you need to sow in order to ignite your husband’s love for you. Also I will say that your physical appearance is also a huge factor that attracts your husband to you (Looking good is good business), and then quite a lot men love their wives being domesticated. So these are some of the seeds that you can sow in your marriage that are likely to grow into your husband loving you and expressing his love for you.

Digging up the love of your husband is so very important for the success of your marriage because the pursue your own assignment as a suitable helper to your husband is made a lot easier when you have the love and cooperation of your husband. Its common knowledge that its so easy and convenient to be a suitable helper to a loving husband; as you would have given your life to serving him without even knowing it. But what a huge and tiring task it is to have to be a suitable helper to a husband who does not love you. Its just a matter of time before you give up on God and throwing in the towel on your marriage when your husband isn’t showing you any love or appreciation.

So when you get into marriage, the first pursuit is to gain and retain your husband’s love you. All other home building tasks becomes easy to accomplish with the love of your husband for you secured and guaranteed. 
But I will plead with women not to dig out the love of any man who is not their husbands. This digging out of love should be solely for married couples, and in the same vain, women should not give their love to men who are not their husbands. Love is sweet yet very dangerous when not applied right (Song of songs 8:6-7). Love is too strong to be toyed with, so we use it very carefully and apply it appropriately.
May the Lord bless our homes.