Feeling Neglected? 3

It’s a bright new day and a great opportunity to do something for God; so if you are yet to be a blessing today, then make sure that before the day runs out, you do something that will count for God’s Kingdom in the life of someone.

I was hoping that we will be moving on to check out the men aspect of our discussion; how a husband can earn the attention and love of his wife, but I think it’s better I share some of the responses I got from the last post and try to answer some of the questions asked. So below are some of the questions raised and the answers to these questions will follow.

Question

@ Mrs. Derin Obasa, “when you combine your outward beauty with the inner beauty of submission to your husband which shows forth through the purity and reverence of your life and you garnish it with prayers to God, you will not just earn your husband’s love and attention, you will be the queen of his life.”

This quotation is from today’s word. Hmmmmmm, I know of a wife who has done both beauty and service to her husband for almost 5 decades, I have never seen such loyalty, patience and submission and perseverance in my entire life, and her reward is nothing but being taken for granted, neglect, and treated shabbily. Now the lady is soooo bitter that all her years of labor to this man was all in vain. And she can hardly free herself, forgive and live happy for the rest of her life. What is your take on this ma.

Response 

I am so very sorry that this can be happening to a dedicated wife in our own perspective. The word of God does not lie and God would not give an instruction for us to follow and then not give the benefits accrued to those who have followed through with His word diligently. You will note that I mentioned in my last post that a woman can slave for her husband and yet be neglected, this is because God didn’t asked us to slave for our husbands, He said we should submit to the authority of our husbands.

A woman can respect her husband, protect his interest with her blood and yet will be neglected and this is because there is a difference between respect and submission. In fact there are so many prayerful Christian wives in that category of which I was one of them. From the very first day that I got married, I worshiped the ground my husband stepped on. You would hardly find me talking back at my husband and I would do everything to avoid an argument with him but that didn’t make him love me or treat me with the dignity of a wife. In fact I saw myself as a glorified housemaid to him and this went on until I began to grow hatred for him.

When I noticed that I was beginning to hate my husband, I began to pray and ask God to help me. The Lord saw the sincerity of my heart and spoke to my heart that I needed to submit to my husband. Sincerely I was almost angry with God, and I thought what more submission was there to give, as far as I was concerned I had given it all. But I went back to God and prayed that if there is still any submission to give, then He should help me out and give it through me.

It was not until then that I realized that I only respected and honored by husband, but I really didn’t submit to him or obey his instructions. Because I felt more righteous than my husband, I didn’t think it right to follow his instructions because I didn’t just want any man to lead me away from God. But the Lord being faithful helped me to submit to my husband. Anytime my husband gave me an instruction and I was going to do anything to the contrary, that small voice will always put me in check and gradually I started submitting. Overtime I began to see the changes in my husband’s attitude towards me and today, after almost 13 years of marriage, I feel like a new bride again. For over 5 years now my marriage has been a paradise for me. Though we are not rich but we have what money cannot buy in the love, joy and peace we share in our home.

One truth we need to understand is that nothing we do or do not do can change our husbands, only God can. Now if we want God to intervene in our situation and change it positively then we first need to follow God’s instruction. If God says submit to your husband, don’t submit to your husband because you expect any returns from him, but because you expect a reward from God. Your husband didn’t instruct that you submit to him, God did. And so the reward is not earned first from your husband, but from God which is then made manifest through your husband.

You and I might look at this woman who has been loyal, submissive, endured much, is patient and shows forth perseverance in her marriage and give her the credit, but what is God’s assessment of her? Has she convinced God enough with her submission to her husband for Him to do in her marriage what her self-effort cannot do and make her husband love her? Or are there hidden secrets that are known only to God and not you and I?

God not a partial God, for every instruction He gives, there is a blessing attracted to those who obey. If we truly are in submission to our husbands as unto the Lord, then we can be sure that the Lord will come into that marriage and perfect all that concerns it.

Question

Derin, please can you tell us the difference between respect and submission for clarity sake.

Response

The dictionary defines respect as “to hold in esteem or honor; to show regard or consideration for. Another definition says esteem for or a sense of worth or excellence of a person.” So I would say that to respect someone is to hold the person in high esteem or honor or to have high regard for the person. But on the other hand, to submit is to yield oneself to the authority of another; so to say that you are placing yourself under the authority of another person. The synonym word for submission is obedience. So when you submit to someone, you obey the person’s instructions and commands.

Now from these two definitions we can obviously see that we can actually respect our husbands, hold them in high esteem, regard and honor them and still not submit to their authority by obeying their instructions. But when we submit to our husbands, we respect them in doing so. Now if we find it hard to obey our husband's instructions who we can see, how can we then prove to God that we are capable of obeying Him who we cannot see?

What a lot of women have for their husbands is respect which they conveniently translate to mean submission. But respect will not earn you your husband’s love and attention, obedience will. Submission is what God instructs us to give and not just respect. And when you have to submit to your husband please do so prayerfully as one obeying God’s command not expecting a reward from your husband, but from God.

Question 

Derin but there are people who don’t do both (respect or submit to their husbands) and their marriage still works out.

Response

Well one truth is that many people speak down on their spouses in the open but in the privacy of their homes, the reverse is the case. Don’t just believe the gist of a wife who talks down on her husband behind him, when they are both seated and she has the courage to disdain him in public then you can believe her claims.

But one truth is that no man will endure a marriage where his wife has no form of respect for him at all; men are more logical in the actions they take than doing things out of emotions. No man will tie himself to the wimp of any woman if there is nothing he is gaining from her. So my sister, if this wife truly does not respect or submit to her husband and her marriage still works, then she is satisfying him in other ways untold, unless such a man has a similar calling to that of Prophet Hosea in the Bible. If she is not making good her sex activities, then she is his ATM machine. With all due respect to all men, this is just being real.

If we want God’s intervention in our marital situation, then we must follow God’s rules and instructions in our marital lives. As God’s children we operate only by God’s rules. 

Feeling Rejected? 2

Hello people, it’s another blessed day for the people of God to praise Him and live in victory. The greatest secret to divine victory is to praise God even in the face of great challenges. You get your enemies confused when you put up a positive attitude and show a calm spirit even when everything around says otherwise. You move God to handle the impossible desires of your heart when you praise despite your circumstances.

In my last post we began trying to look at the possible ways of gaining our spouse's attention and love in the face of obvious rejection, and the first thing I discussed was the need to please your husband with your outward appearance. But like I mentioned yesterday; of what use is a beautiful face and appearance when the attitude and character is ugly. 1 Peter 3:1-2 reads, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

So in today’s post we will consider how we can draw our husband’s attention and love to ourselves through our inner beauty. According to 1 Peter 3:1-2, this inner beauty consists of our submission to our husbands and the purity and reverence of our lives.

In my walk with the Lord as He began to teach me on steps to take to heal my troubled marriage some years back, I learned that respect for our husbands is quite different from submitting to their authority. Although you cannot submit to your husband without respecting him, but you can respect your husband without submitting to him and this is the mistake we make as wives. Although you don’t argue with your husband, you don’t talk back at him when he shouts insults at you; you can even go as far as doing his personal chores, wash his cloths, cook his meals and take care of all his chores, yet you might not be submissive to him. When you do all these without submission and he does not show you love and reciprocate the attention you have given to him, you get frustrated and begin to whine.

But what will do the miracle of drawing your husband’s attention and love to you is submission. The synonym word for submission that best fits what I am talking about is obedience; that is obeying your husband’s instruction. This is getting to sit when he tells you to sit, and getting to stand when he tells you to stand. When you practice and imbibe the habit of avoiding those things that you know displeases your husband and you replace them with those things that you know will make him happy. In doing this prayerfully, it is only a matter of time before you draw the love and attention that you so desperately long for from your husband.

I just mentioned prayerfully doing this because it is God who redirects your husband’s love to you and cause him to notice and appreciate your submission to him. When you learn and practice submitting to your husband, you are also learning to respect him and respect his authority over your life. Ephesians 5:22 says “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”

Surprisingly, women find it very easy and convenient to obey their bosses at work; they follow their boss’s instruction to the later and this they do for fear of losing their jobs. But yet they find it so convenient to disobey their husbands at home and treat him with disdain and disrespect and yet whine and complain for lack of love and attention. What we have failed to realize is that just as we stand the chance of losing our jobs when we disobey and disrespect our official bosses in the office so also do we stand the chance of losing our marriage, our peace, the love and attention of our husbands if we disobey and disrespect the God ordained head over our lives (our husbands).

When you combine your outward beauty with the inner beauty of submission to your husband which shows forth through the purity and reverence of your life and your garnish it with prayers to God, you will not just earn your husband’s love and attention, you will be the queen of his entire life.   

Feeling Neglected?

Hello wonderful people of God. Yes it’s another beautiful day and another wonderful reason to be thankful to God. I took a brief overview of my life and I can’t just help but thank God for His mercies, grace and goodness. By His grace and mercy alone we’re closing in on the last six weeks of the year and it’s another great and glorious year coming to an end by the goodness and grace of God alone. And it’s another wonderful opportunity to share the truth of God’s words for growth, peace, joy and love to be experienced and enjoyed in our marriages.

Quite a handful of wives either complain of been neglected by their husbands or that they feel neglected by their husbands. One hidden truth that we should realize and understand well is that in order to get the attention you require from your spouse, you need to earn it. You need to work hard to earn your husband’s attention. And that is the simple truth. So in the next couple of post that I will be sharing, we will be looking at the various things we can do to earn the attention of our spouses; and I mean earning this attention in a positive manner that is wrapped up in tender love.

In truth its not only the wives that feel neglected in a marriage, the husbands feel so too. But we will take the matter one at a time starting with the various ways in which a wife can earn and keep her husband’s attention and love. So we will start with the wife’s appearance. How she takes care of her appearance.

In my last post I shared a story of a wife whose husband’s complaint was that her dressing was not impressive and she does not socialize and that he attributed to her addiction to the Bible. In truth, this man is not alone in his views, quite a number of wives have driven their husbands into the waiting arms of strange women owing to their skewed believe that as a Christian moderation in dressing has been termed as never looking good at all. As a matter of fact some women are of the opinion that making effort to beautify yourself is a sin. Some churches have absolutely kicked against the use of jewelry for women of God and facial makeup for women is a taboo.

In as much as I don’t have anything against these doctrines as long as it’s a doctrine held by both the husband and the wife, but how do you explain a wife who has totally downplayed the need to make herself look good for the pleasure of her husband in the name of holiness. If you are married to a man who wants you to dress well and look good, then why deprive him and make your marriage an unnecessary misery? Did God not say that you should submit to your husband as unto the Lord? Where is submission in disobedience? Or is God an author of confusion? You cannot earn the love and attention of your husband when you disobey him or do not submit to his authority. No matter how mean or harsh a husband is, he will soften up and become ever so loving when you treat him to a continuous does of submission and prayers.

Esther 2:12

Before a girl’s turn came to go in to King Xerxes, she had to complete twelve months of beauty treatments prescribed for the women, six months with oil of myrrh and six months with perfumes and cosmetics.

Genesis 12:11-14

As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, “I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, ‘This is his wife.’ Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you.

When Abram came to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that she was a very beautiful woman.

Genesis 24:53

Then the servant brought out gold and silver jewelry and articles of clothing and gave them to Rebekah; he also gave costly gifts to her brother and to her mother.

1 Peter 3:3-4

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and wearing of gold jewelry and fine cloths. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

1 Timothy 2:18

I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.

I have taken time to dig through the Bible in search of what the word of God says concerning the appearance of a woman who profess to worship God as I strongly believe that God is not an author of confusion, all that we need is spiritual revelation of the truth of His word.

In all that I have read and I understand of the word of God; as a child of God, nothing prohibits a woman from wearing gold jewelry, or braiding her hair and making good effort in looking good. What I understand from the word of God is that this should not supersede the inner beauty of a woman of God which consists of good deeds and a gentle and quiet spirit. One does not negate the other, but that there should be an appropriate balance between the two with more effort on the inner beauty far above the effort made on the outer beauty. Of what use is a beautiful woman with an ugly character?

God does not expect a woman to have her hair unkempt in an effort to be holy and also the abstinence of the use of gold and silver jewelry and the wearing of fine cloths does not translate to holiness. So if your husband enjoys seeing you look good and well decently dressed wearing fine decent clothing and gold jewelry and you disobey him or deny him that good pleasure, does that then translate to the fact that you are holy? Between disobeying your husband or to wear good and decent cloths with gold jewelry in obedience and submission to your husband, which one of the two scenarios pleases the Lord?

There are many occasions in which we suffer in ignorance. We erode the peace and joy of our marriage just because we pursue outward holiness at detriment of our obedience to the word of God that instructs the wife to submit to her husband in all things (Ephesians 5:22-24). Do you want to earn the love and attention of your husband? Then do that which pleases him. If your husband loves to see you beautifully dressed, then oblige him that pleasure. God will not send you to hell is doing this. And if your husband forbids that you wear gold jewelry, please run away from them. Disobedience to your husband is disobedience to the word of God. Your dressing and appearance should tally with what pleases your husband.

But please note that this does not translate you to committing obvious sins and wearing indecent clothing in public places and exposing parts of your body. DRESS BEAUTIFULLY, BUT YET DECENTLY.

Looking beautiful is in line with God’s will for us. Sarai was so beautiful that the King of Egypt took her to be his wife; and not just the king of Egypt (Genesis 12:10-20), even the King of Gerar took her as his wife too (Genesis 20). She was beautiful enough that her husband looked at her in the eyes and said to her you “I know what a beautiful woman you are?” Won’t you like it if your husband looks into your eyes and say to you, “you are a beautiful woman, " or would you rather he says that to someone else.

Your husband won’t tell you that if you neglect yourself in the bid to pursue outward holiness. If you don’t want your husband to neglect you, please don’t neglect yourself. But in doing this please balance your effort at beauty. Your inner beauty is of more importance than your outward beauty. May the Lord help us walk in His will and way at all times.  

In my next post we will look at another important way by which we are sure to attract our husbands' attention in a positive way. Please look forward to it. 

Honor Your Spouse

Hello beautiful people of God, it’s a new day and a new week and a very perfect opportunity again to share the truth of the word of God. I thank God that this is a day He alone has made and we shall rejoice and be glad in it. In today’s post I will be sharing another practical issue in marriage and I pray that by the special grace of God we will leave this blog with a better insight than before we visited it.

There is this lady who has a deep love for her Bible but her husband isn’t so much of a committed Christian. The issue between them is that the husband feels his wife is taking this religion thing a little too far as she does not seem to have any free space for fun. His problem with his wife is that she does not socialize and her dressing just does not seem presentable enough as the other women or wives he sees outside. The situation gets so bad that sometimes he will seize her Bible and hide it because of this singular complain.

What can this wife then do? Can she forfeit her love for God for the desire of her husband or how can she blend her husband’s socializing with her pursuit of holiness in Christ without which no man can see God?

This is what I will say by the grace of God and with the inspiration of the Holy Spirit; this is a situation you cannot handle without prayers. The story that comes to mind that appears similar to this is the story of Sarah, Abraham and Abimelech in Genesis 20. In this story Abraham had instructed his wife Sarah to claim to the people of Gerar that she was his sister in order to avoid death; and this eventually led to Abimelech king of Gerar taking Sarah in as his wife. But by divine intervention, Abimelech had not defiled Sarah till the Lord warned him to return Sarah to her husband Abraham or face God's wrath. We read from the Bible that Sarah obeyed.

I thank God that in our story today, the wife said that her husband sometimes seize and hide her Bible, but not that he totally prevents her from reading it. I also thank God that this husband has not forbidden his wife from praying and so there is huge hope.

The first thing that I want you to do is to pray very hard about this situation. Now if you read your Bible as well as I want to believe you do, then one of the things you should have learned from the Bible is to submit to your husband as unto the Lord. As a matter of fact, 1 Peter 3:1-2 says it is through your submission to your husband through the purity and reverence of your life that your unbelieving husband will be won over to the Lord. So rather than disobey your husband hiding under the canopy of loving the Bible, the second thing I want you to do is to submit to him.

Find out what he wants and do it in a manner that will not affect your relationship with God. Find out what interest him and get interested in same in a manner that will not jeopardize your relationship with God and also do it prayerfully. Whatever sport he likes, develop a likeness for that sport too so that you two can watch it together and laugh together. And if your husband likes a particular mode of dressing, please find love for that mode of dressing too; as long as it does not translate to indecent dressing. If he likes for you to make up, please take a make-up class and satisfy him with it.

Remember the story of Queen Vashti in the book of Esther 1. The sin of Queen Vashti was that she refused to oblige her husband the pleasure of showing off her beauty before the princes and nobles of the provinces over where he ruled. That singular act of disobedience to her husband led to her dethronement as queen. 

But who knows if your husband just wishes to show you off as his queen? It will be wrong for you not to oblige him that one longing of his heart in the name of loving the Bible. We see it as loving the Lord and living holy, but God sees it as an act of disobedience to your husband and so an act of disobedience to him. When you submit to your husband and obey him, and you prayerfully do so, you will win him over to God without words but with the purity and reverence of your life.

Some weeks back I did a business transaction that fetched me some money. Not so much, but enough to go by and support with the demands of the home as I don’t earn income. I told my husband about the business transaction and how much I got from it. My husband decided to have a very large chunk of the money and left me a very small amount.

This didn’t bother me because in truth I was willing to give it all to a man who has been taking care of me when I made no dime. But the issue was that I made a pledge to God and if I pay my pledge and tithe from what I had left, I would have nothing left on me. So I told my husband that I had to fulfill a pledge to God and pay my tithe. And he told me that this time around you won’t pay tithe or pledge with this money, just do as I have asked you with it. To this I had to obey. 

  

Number 30:1, 3-8

Moses said to the heads of the tribes of Israel: "This is what the Lord commands:

When a young woman still living in her father’s house makes a vow to the Lord or binds herself by a pledge and her father hears about her vow or pledge but says nothing to her, then all her vows and every pledge by which she bound herself will stand. But if her father forbids her when he hears about it, none of her vows or pledge by which she bound herself will stand; the lord will release her because her father has forbidden her.

If she marries after she makes a vow or after her lips utter a rash promise by which she binds herself and her husband hears about it but says nothing to her, then her vows or pledges by which she bound herself will stand. But if her husband forbids her when he hears about it, he nullifies the vow that binds her or the rash promise by which she binds herself, and the Lord will release her.

It was based on this scripture that I had to obey my husband even when it felt like contravening the law of the Lord. But in truth I am not committing any sin by not paying my pledge; I am in fact just obeying the word of God. But this is not a license to stop paying tithe or pledges, but there are some exceptions that the Lord permits and this is just a case of divine exception.

When you prayerfully submit to your husband in everything, you honor God, and when you honor God, He fights for you and make you enjoy His divine peace. 

Avoiding a Heartbreak

Hello people, it’s another beautiful day that the Lord has made and we will forever rejoice and be glad in it. And it is another wonderful opportunity to speak live into someone's life who needs to hear the word of God today.

Based on what God has in store of us, we don’t have to any business with negativity in our lives. 

Though challenges will come, trials are there to test our faith in God, but in God’s design for our lives we are more than conqueror through Christ Jesus who strengthens us. You can never get it wrong with the word of God operational in your life. So get that word today and run with it.

We have come to the end of the marriage series and I pray and hope that valuable lessons have been learned in the course of the series. If you miss any part you can always search through the archives of the blog they are always there. But today we are looking at something slightly different, we are considering the pre-marriage life.

My 12year old daughter once asked me how I knew that it was her father that I was to marry, and how she would know and identify the man to marry when she is of age. First I answered her that I had prayed very well to God before making the decision about marriage, and secondly I married the man who showed me affection, care and concern for me the most. And on the question of how she would know who to marry when she is of age, I told her that we will pray to God to direct her to the right man and give her a sign by which she would know that indeed that man is God’s choice for her. But in the meantime, she needed to start preparing herself, in moral values, hard work, respect and care for others in anticipation for being a good wife to the God ordained man in future.

A couple of days ago my husband shared a video with me on facebook of a scene where a couple were about to wed and an ex-fiancée to the husband to be stormed the wedding ceremony in the exact wedding gown the bride to be wore. So in the drama that unfolded, there were two brides and one husband in front of the priest. Relatives and friends of the groom were seen trying to whisk the intruder away. It is not that a video clip such as this was posted on facebook that bothered me, but that in reality cases similar to this occur almost all the time with ladies either not forgiving or not wanting to let go of an ex-lover who they claim broke their heart. And this is also the case with some men too. It is said that a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage and now we will look at this issue of broken courtship from the eye of the Bible.

Genesis 2:21

So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

Song of Songs 2:7

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

When God confirmed that it was not good for the man to be alone and thought it necessary for him to have a suitable helper, the Bible tells us that God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep and made a woman from the man and brought her to him. So it was not that the man went help hunting, rather God brought his suitable helper to him at the time when he needed her most. This is the first lesson I would appreciate those who seek a spouse in their lives to take note of.

When you see a woman on the street and you get attracted to her, did you first ask the Lord if she is the woman He created for you as a helper or you just began courtship on the basis of physical chemistry which is a factor of external features that have the capabilities of fading away in no time? If you have begun courting a lady on the basis of physical chemistry, it is obvious that you are bound to dump this lady when you come across another lady with whom you have a stronger physical attraction with. In no time at all you would have had physical attraction with so many ladies than you can possibly remember. There is now the possibilities that one of these ladies that you had physical attraction with and dumped is the lady God created for you as a helper, but because you didn’t pray and you lack sensitivity to the things of God you missed her in the crowd. Chances are then there that you end up with a woman less than good enough for you as a wife and then end up in a miserable marriage on the basis of lustful physical attraction and love that was awakened when it was not so desired.

It’s just so very obvious that a lady who starts to court a man after series of prayers and waiting on God for validation of what she is about to get herself into will not have any regrets on her choice. A good looking man can have the worst of attitude so it’s just so unwise to fall in love with a man just because he looks good. And a caring man can have the worst of secrets stored up in his can of worms that you begin to discover after you must sold your soul and future cheap to him because you just couldn’t see through his deception and lies. But with God you cannot get it wrong. If God led you into it, it because He is by your side leading you through it.

Solomon whom the Bible attests as the world wisest man of his days in his wisdom says, “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Solomon didn’t just say that once, but he repeated it three times (Song of Songs 2:7, 3:5, 8:4) and that tells us how so important it is to take caution in matters of the heart. In my own words I will interpret Solomon’s words to mean “Look before you leap.” You do not just look, but you look well and pray hard before attempting any commitment inclined towards marriage.

As a man or a woman, marriage issue is a matter that you need to properly consult God on. The Bible says the heart of men is desperately wicked and it’s only God that can search out the deep thought of a man. Do not judge a man based on appearance, not even based on a very few set of character that you see him/her display. It’s just a matter of time before the hidden demon in him/her is brought to the surface. But God sees what you cannot see, and He knows what you don’t know. Rest your future in His hands and you are very save.  

The Marriage Series 21

It’s always a beautiful feeling to be in God’s service, serving God’s people with the truth of His word, blessing lives and bringing hope to a lot of marriages. So I am humbly here again to serve you with the word of God in the Marriage Series 21.

I had thought it should be time to end the marriage series and share some other things about the home, but I had promised another story and that’s what it’s going to be on today’s post.

A young Christian lady got married to a young man whom she assumed loved her. She was a born-again Christian and a mentee of a renowned female pastor who is now late. She served the Lord with all her heart and was devoted to her family. She loved her husband even though she didn’t get half as much as she expected from him in terms of love and affection. The relationship had been skewed to one side for the better part of their married life with her giving more into the marriage than her husband.

She got the rude shock of her life after about 10 years of marriage when her husband told her he wanted a divorce as he didn’t love her. He had married her in the first instance to win a bet with his friends who had dared him that he didn’t have the nerve to date her not to talk of marry her owing to her upright reputation as a young lady close to a popular woman of God. Now he wants her to move out of the house so they can have the length of time required by law to be separated before filing for a divorce.  

This wife is not working and she is not ready to beg or fight for her marriage. If the husband wants a divorce, a divorce he will get. All she needs is a little time to get herself together, rent another apartment that can comfortably accommodate her and her children and get a decent means of livelihood.

After hearing this touching story this is what I will say as inspired by the spirit of the living God.

Genesis 2:18-25 tells us about how the marriage institution came into existence, and it is important that as wives we recognize that we were created by God with one objective in His mind; that the wife might be a suitable helper to her husband. This husband need not be upright, righteous, holy, loving, caring and so on. The fact is that you have been created to help the man you married as an assignment by God irrespective of the reaction or response of the husband you are to help. Your marriage is a service to God in itself irrespective of who benefits from the services you are rendering. It is true you love your husband dearly, but still in that marriage you are on assignment for God.

For this young lady, I will tell you that I feel your pain and I understand the emotional trauma that you possibly are going through, but as a child of God, have you sought the face of God on this matter? Is packing your stuff and walking out on your marriage because of what your husband said   the desire of God for you or what God would want you to do in this situation?

Now let me share a bit of my story so you understand better. In those days when my marriage was turbulent and far from sweet and rosy as it should be, I can’t recount how many times my husband had asked me to pack my stuff and leave his house. So many times he had said nasty stuff like the ones your husband is telling you right now. To say I was hurt is to say the least. Just like in your shoes, I also was not working and so was not earning income. But I wouldn’t allow a man trample me under foot. I hardly would talk back at him when he starts his attitude but he did a lot of bartering on my self-worth. I was ready to hold my self-esteem high and I really wanted to leave the marriage then. But because I knew that my life depended on God I kept asking Him what he would have me do. In as much as I was hurting, I understood that allowing my emotions run the show for me might lead to an undesirable end. So I kept praying and asking God for a leading.

Two issues conflicted themselves inside of me, first I knew that God hates divorce and I didn’t want to find myself doing what God hates, then I also knew that God instructed that I submit to my husband in all things. If my husband says he wants a divorce and I should leave his house and God said I should submit to his authority which meant obeying my husband, how can I reconcile that with God saying He hates divorce?  

After praying and hurting for what felt like eternity, I resolved to the fact that if my husband wants me out, then he’ll pack my things out with his own hands and sincerely I will be gone before he knew it. So one of the days he came up with his attitude again, I told him point blank that I am not clinging to him because he is a superman, it’s just for God’s sake and if he really wants me out he knows where the suitcases are stacked and he knows where my clothes are, he should make good his threat by packing my things out by himself and I’ll be gone.

That was when the threat started fading out till I heard no more of such. With prayers, humility and submission, my marriage is a blessed one today. That same man is the loving and caring husband God blessed me with today. To say my husband adores me is an understatement and I have never loved him more than I do today. He tells me over and over again that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, he thanks me for my patience in those times of madness in our marriage. Now I am a queen in the palace of my king and that would never have been if I had allowed my emotions run the show for me.

A lot of people tell me that I am lucky with the man God gave me as husband, if only they know how much I have had to fight, endured, prayed and sacrificed to get to this level of comfort and peace in my marriage and home.

No marriage is without its challenges, but God’s grace is available for us all if only we are willing to tap into it and allow it work for us. If this lady would hear my own story and run to God for grace, I am positive her own testimony will just be as beautiful as mine. And not for just this lady but for as many women who have struggles in their marriages. May God bless our homes in Jesus name. 

The Marriage Series 20

Hello people, how are you doing today? I trust that by the special grace of the living God we are all fine and our homes are flourishing to the glory of the living God.

In my last post I promised to share another story about marriage and trust the Lord that we will learn a thing or two from these stories. So here is promise fulfilled again.

A young hardworking man working with a manufacturing company was given a brand new car in his office. This brand new car didn’t come on a platter of gold as this young man had been long overdue for this benefit which came with a four year repayment plan. It had taken days, weeks and months of prayers and fasting with the support of his loving wife to have this dream come to past.

Finally the car came and as the young man was driving his brand new car home from work at about 4.30pm, he came across a young lady on his way home and gave her a lift. He later arrived home at about 7.30pm and immediately showed his wife the new car, leaving the car keys with her so she can have a good feel of it while he went into the house to take a shower and freshen up from the stress of the day.

He was alerted by the shout of fire alarm raised by the neighbors and rushed to the scene of the fire only to discover that his loving wife had set his brand new car ablaze. Her reason for this bizarre action was that her husband was seen around 4.30pm in a brand new car picking up a beautiful lady on the road. The person who saw him on the road and reported the findings to her had returned to his house more than an hour before despite the usual traffic jam. But her husband returned much later and that translates to the fact that he was beginning to engage in adulterous act and if the brand new car will become a tool of adultery they were better off without it. This wife had gotten a keg of petrol fuel in wait for the husband’s arrival to carry out her act.

The husband kept calm and thanked the neighbors for their intervention but promised to get back to them when the time was ripe to deal with the situation.

Two days later the wife’s sister came visiting with her husband to come congratulate her sister and her husband on the acquisition of their new car and to wish her a happy birthday as that day was her birthday. On getting to the house the wife’s sister and her husband met the remains of the burnt down car and wondered what had happened. The husband pleaded for their patience and invited the neighbors who had witnessed the burning of the car to come hear the conclusion of the matter.

The husband sat his guests and asked his wife to tell her story all over again. After ranting and calling her husband all sorts of indecent names, she repeated her story as she narrated it on the day of the incident and after she was done the husband asked his wife’s sister to comment on all that she heard.

The wife’s sister explained how she was waiting for a means of transportation home on the day the husband was given his new car. At the bus-stop she noticed a brand new car park close to her; as she peeped into the car to see who was in it and why park so close she discover that it was her sister’s husband. He offered to drive her home and when they got her home he waited a while to see if her husband would return early so they could chat. When he had waited a while and the husband did not return he begged to take his leave and she promised that she and her husband will pay them a visit over the weekend and use the opportunity to pray and bless the new car and also wish her sister happy birthday.

It turns out that the assumed girlfriend that the husband was seen picking up on the road was the wife’s sister and no adulterous intent was in the picture of things. How is this man to deal with his wife after this kind of incident?

Before we carry one to call this loving wife many names, I want to point out that many wives do similar stuff in their marriages. I wish to humbly ask that we ask ourselves how many times we have taken very harsh decisions in our marriages without evaluating the matter and weighing it on a scale to balance things out first. How many wives have patiently heard their spouses out first before arriving at a conclusion and taking action? How many have of us have taken actions based on inconclusive investigations? If you have, then you are just as guilty as this loving wife.

In my last post I mentioned that in dealing with marital issues, it is better to deal with the emotion aroused by the situation first before dealing with the situation itself. In the layman’s language it’s called think before you act, some call it look before you leap. But when you think, what you think about is important; the direction of your thought is very important. This wife in question had thought her actions through obviously, but the big problem with her was that her thoughts were full of negativity. She didn’t deal with the emotions she felt, rather she allowed this negative emotion to consume her and dictate her cause of action.

1 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. What this passage tells us is that we have the ability to discipline our emotions; we have the capability to direct our emotions in the path that is right, rather than let it run wild and control our actions. Jesus said in Matthew 19:8 that Moses permitted divorce because the hearts of men where hard. These are men who have not exercise self-discipline on their emotions.

Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” This woman in the story is a godly wife who supported and prayed along with her husband to achieve his dream and then with her own hands tears all that has been achieved down due to her lack of self-discipline on her emotions. Though she is godly yet she is unwise. And so we have a lot of godly unwise women in the world today. They know the word of God, they know how to pray, but still allow their emotions to destroy their sense of reasoning and their ability to take objective decisions.

A very big catalyst to the destruction of many homes is the fanning to flame of negative emotions and allowing it to be the basis of our judgment and decisions in marriage. No beautiful marriage happens by chance, it’s a product of positivity against all odds. You cannot build your home with truckloads of negativity stored up in your heart; you won’t make progress in your marriage when all you perceive of your spouse is negative. Don’t judge your marriage by the outcome of another’s marriage; you don’t know the full story of how they got the negative outcome. No matter what your spouse has done, try to be positive and hear each other out first. May the Lord bless our homes.

In my next episode, I will share another story that I hope and pray we can learn from. Till then please remain blessed.